Praying

Not sure if I should post this...it took me a long time to type it up so...seems a shame to not put it up. Sorry if it offends anyone.1

Do you really want me to talk about me? I think not...I think that you say you do because tis the right thing to be saying. But no you do not. As what are going to be hearing will not be something that tis easy to digest or handle with an easy feeling in your spirit. I cannot even believe I am saying that word. “Spirit.” 2

I know many of the contests in this website list as one of the rules “no God bashing.” I understand that many folks are religious and take their spirituality quite seriously. I understand that as I have certain beliefs and so forth that I take quite seriously as well. I almost left this site because something I wrote twas severely bashed...to the point that I as a person twas judged and deemed “disgusting and vile.” Luckily a sweet and loving person...the same one who directed me to this site in the first place...did not let me leave here that easily. Tis glad I am because I have met many people on here who do enjoy my writing and my point of view. They may not always agree with all of it but they at least respect me as a writer. And tis all that I could ask for. 3

At any rate...I am not going to bash God but instead shall be bashing my Da. I have never seen a rule that states “no father bashing” so I am assuming that tis alright. My father basically considered himself a very religious man. He believed himself to be a holy warrior both in his commitments and associations outside the family and within the family. Twas sort of funny though as I seemed to be the object of his god's fury and wrath. I had older siblings and younger ones as well...and while they did of course get up to some trouble at times...for some reason twas I who found myself singled out as being the bad seed. 4

His punishments in the name of his god where not anything I shall ever forget and at the same time...are very hard for me to relive. His form of punishment twas the reason I later became a Dom, a Master, a slave-owner...many of his tricks such as tying down, blindfolding, spanking, deprivation and commandments to say “yes sir” no matter what... were ones I have used with My partners. The difference tis that My partners have always been consensual and enjoyed having the things done to them...whereas with my Da and I...there twas no pleasure. At least not on my part...5

I suppose tis why I rejected Christianity and later embraced Satanism with a fierce devotion. I know that many will be afraid to learn that of me...but perhaps when looking at how I came to view the Christian god they can understand. To me...thanks to my father...that god twas an angry and viscous being who hated me and never thought that anything I did twas right. He told my da to torture me...hurt me...deny me basic human right and needs. I often wondered why God even “created” me because clearly...twas a mistake I was. 6

So that when I twas introduced to Satan I gained a feeling of acceptance and approval that I had never felt. Satanic beliefs such as we are all equal and nobody tis better than anyone else...that sin tis a natural occurrence and not something to be ashamed of...that our reward tis now, right now, not somewhere off in the distance after much suffering and hardship...these were all like a welcoming embrace to one such as I. So that BDSM and Satanism were very much My way of life. I rejected my family much as they rejected me so many times. 7

For a long time twas all well and good...I had My ways and they served Me well. I made sure that I twas always in control in any situation that I found Myself in. I lost a lot because of My lifestyle but I felt as if what I gained in self-respect and personal safety twas worth it. If someone could not handle Me and the way I twas...then literally “the Hell with them.” 8

So many things I could say about My life and somehow I wound up on this track. I have many sides to myself and this tis where I have gone with this particular writing. All to come to a certain point in time...a few days ago. I have mentioned my sweet and loving friend...well my feelings for her are more than as a friend but because I am in prison right now I cannot go any further than friends. At any rate she often has spoken of praying for me and hoping that God helps me through my trying times. She knows what I have gone though as far as being pushed away from Christian beliefs because of my da. I have respected her beliefs just as she has not pushed them on me. I am sure that inside she despairs at my Satanic beliefs but has never turned me away because of them...9

Twas having a very rough night. Because of my childhood and teen years I am plagued with nightmares that I have not yet gotten a handle on. When I twas out in the world I often used drugs and sex to keep these nightmares at bay...in here I have neither of those at my disposal. I had not been able to get online for a couple of days except for briefly...and in here, the internet tis a lifeline to the outside world that in many ways is a salvation to me. So twas the midst of a very rough night. The lights are turned out and there are no windows in my cell to allow for moonlight to come inside. The one window tis in the door, very high up, no light comes through at night. Anyone who has had nightmares knows that the darkness tis something to be afraid of. Imagine a strong and willful man...who has been Master to many and even now has His “pets” that he writes to...admitting that he tis afraid of anything. But there you have it. 10

In the midst of this rough night...I knew that Satan would not comfort me. Would not be there to save me from myself and the horrors that I hold inside of me. I found myself on my knees...just as I twas forced to kneel (often on glass, gravel, or other substances) for hours on end as a child... and reciting a childhood prayer that I thought twas long forgotten.11

“The lord tis my shepard12

I shall not want...13

He. maketh me...maketh me...” I faltered. I could not remember the rest. Tears streaming down my cheeks I whispered “I suppose I am not good enough still then?” Cursing my father...my life...myself...I lay back down and tried to relax. If not sleep...at least I could try to get some rest.

Author notes

I chose...Option Four: Make Me Cry.

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Hellcat Metal
    January 3

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    I knew that I had read this before when I started reading the first paragraph. I think all I had to say before is already written below so I don't have much more to say on it, other than to be yourself and love. Thanks so much for entering.


    • TNTrouble
      January 3
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      Ha...you are right. Did not realize that before.
      I shall try to come up with something new for you in any case before the end of the contest.


  • tonialoise
    November 21, 2008

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    Gosh this is sad. Not anything that you wrote (though some things were), but more in how you said it. It sounds like you still haven't forgiven yourself, though you've done nothing wrong. That should come before anyone else can forgive you dear.

    For some reason you being a Santanist doesn't scare me (it used to). I can understand how you would identify more with Satan than God, for as God caste Satan out so did your father you. So there is no judment here.

    It is because of people like your father that I've never liked organized religions. I have my own views. I've never said a prayer per se, but I pray. It was really powerful to me how you prayed at the end of this. Never mind that you can't remember the words. I think He would still hear your prayers no matter what words you use as I believe he's inside us, so He knows that you meant it. I don't believe He's an all loving God, but He does have love in him as it's in all of us. Let that part shine through. Open your own heart to your friends and loved ones and eventually you'll be forgiven by more than just God, by yourself.

    Ok, sorry if I sounded a little preachy there. I'm actually not that way normally. I just want to see you happy and those nightmares disappear. Have faith in yourself if nothing else.


    Thank you for sharing this part of you with us.

  • Hellcat Metal
    November 13, 2008
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    I really like this, because it's a different perspective, because it's something that many people turn a blind eye to. And because people aren't used to it, they become afraid or ignore it. Either way, this piece has explained how everyone is different and that our beliefs also differ from one another.

    About your dad and Christianity growing up..It's really hard to find words to say for that. I know a mere paragraph trying to explain God in the loving sense would be hard since your dad seemed to protrude the opposite. I do not believe that that was from God. I believe that God is a God of love and that he never makes one do the things that your dad did to you. Your dad chose to do them. Look at history and it will tell you. So many men, claiming to be followers of God, yet they spread hate and violence into the world (like Hitler, the Crusades). I do not believe that they were encouraged by God to do that. There is no need for us to force religion. A prayer is like a poem. You let the words flow without thinking. Prayers that are memorized I feel do nothing. No, you are not alone and God doesn't hate you, nor does he want you to feel this way. He is always there, welcoming with open arms..

    Of course I have my doubts. I believe that God exists and that he is a God of love. But I have yet to read the rest of the Bible and find out many of its meaning. I don't reject people different from me. Everyone is human. This was good read. Thanks for entering.


  • MsAlee gold member
    October 31, 2008

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    *wiping the tears from my face* T, the words do not matter, I as well do not have The Lord's Prayer memorized. Just talk to Him, talk to Him as you talk to me. He will understand.

    Just remember you are good enough.
    I love you. *hugs*


  • Sgs
    October 31, 2008

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    Awww sweetie, this is really good. I mean that both from a "how it was written" and from a "healing yourself" standpoint. I went Pagan long ago because I decided that one single religion did not ring completely true for me, so I "pick and choose" when it comes to my spirituality. ~~~hugs you tight~~~~


  • enchantress
    October 31, 2008

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    wow T. I know this is of your life and I just want to give you a big . I know that this may or may not help.

    The 23rd Psalm

    The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
    He leadeth me beside the still waters.
    He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
    Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever

    I can also understand your thoughts on God because my own faith has waivered and I have so many questions that I am afraid to even ask my parents because I am scared that they will not understand my feelings.

    Please know that I will pray for you (even though you may not want me to) and I believe no matter what that you are being watched over by God and me.


  • Riftkin
    October 31, 2008
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    Brother... You.. i know not what to say here...

    please forgive Your lil sis

    me

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