by Geri Fitzsimmons & Andy Stephenson1
“Last call for the ‘Dunkin’ run. Put your order in and your cash up, unless you want to make it till dawn on that dish water in the lounge.”2
Neil Harris, the star of the talk show, heard Josh’s call and anted up a ten. 3
There was the nightly last minute shuffle, as everyone talked at once and stuffed money into Josh’s hand. Too tall, too lean, and twenty-two, ginger-haired Josh Hammond was the least important member of the radio production crew. Freckles sprayed randomly over his cheeks, and a deep dimple in the left side of his jaw, kept him looking like ‘The Kid’ who the older members had turned into a ‘Go for’.4
Mark Gheil, their producer, gave a soft groan as he eyed the huge clock on the wall. The clock was always set at the correct time—never off by a second. He tossed a fiver on the desk. “Bring a half dozen Danishes.” Everyone knew six Danish were five ninety-nine plus tax and Mark was notoriously cheap.5
Mark held his hand up palm forward as his stare settled on Doctor Neil Harris. 6
Neil Harris waited for the signal. Too narrow in the chest and round in the butt to entice a TV camera, still, he was blessed with a voice to die for. As Mark’s hand came down, Neil cleared his throat.7
"This is KJAB, talk radio, 102.1 on your radio dial. I'm Doctor Neil Harris and I'm here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our first caller?"8
A slight whimper could be heard in the immediate stillness that followed the announcement. "Ah, um, I'm Michelle." The voice was thin and forced. 9
“Michelle, a lovely name,” Neil answered. “And Michelle…what seems to be your problem? How can I help you?” Was followed by the expected pause.10
They always had second thoughts. Always needed the pause before they could say the words that disclosed the reason for the late night call. Once decided, the tone became rushed and the words spilled out. "I just can't do it anymore.”11
"Can't do what Michelle?" 12
“I can't go on."13
Neil’s eyebrows shot up and he slowly nodded his head to Mark. ‘Bad one’ he indicted. "What do you mean?" he asked.14
"I think I'm going to have to kill myself." 15
Experience gave Neil the ability to hear implications in a voice that others would miss. This lady’s calm assurance rang a bell in his brain. "Surely the situation can't be that bad Michelle?” he said as he gestured that Mark should react. “I need you to listen carefully. I'm going to switch you over to Mark, my producer, and he is going to connect you with someone who can help you."16
He could see Mark was already punching the keys that would connect the caller to the 24-hour Crisis Line. At the Crisis Line they had caller ID and would send the authorities if they determined that suicide was an immediate possibility. Through his headphones he heard the male voice cut in, “Hi Michelle, I’m Dale, I’ve been where you are…” He felt a sense of relief as he closed his end and opened another line.17
“Doctor Neil Harris here to discuss your problems in the wee hours of this morning. Who do we have as our next caller?"18
"I'm Sarah,” was followed by the anticipated pause before an angry whine to her words announced that Sarah saw herself as a self-sacrificing mother. “My teenage son has been cutting class behind my back. You see, I'm a single parent and I have to work and I can't be at home to see that he gets off to school. What am I to do?"19
“Sarah, an interesting biblical name—that’s survived unblemished down through the ages. And your problem is just about as old.” Neil laughed softly to lighten the mood. A belligerent teenager feeling the pangs of independence. This was something Dr. Harris was allowed to deal with. Already Michelle and her death wish were fading into his memory.20
The large clock on the wall continued to tick away the seconds, the minutes and the hours before dawn.21
When the early summer’s sun came quickly over the Eastern seaboard it spilled out a natural blaze to mix with artificial lights; and the mammoth city of New York coughed out a fresh crop of citizens from their beds, while others like Neil Harris and his coworkers sought a few hours sleep.22
In a lonely Manhattan apartment a lady named Michelle waited, for what—she didn’t know. She expected no one to care…no one to come.
In a list
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Interesting....
Every time I read the main charecters name I kept thinking of Neil Patrick Harris
Nothing to do your writing just figured I'd mention it since I couldn't think of anythign elce critical to say.
you two are too good I can't edit
One of the things I noticed, and liked was that although the charecters aren't really described in detial you paint a very vivid picture.
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Hi Tawnis!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
It seems that I missed this comment
.
Thanks for reading us. I'm glad you like our story. I hope you'll want to continue it.
Thanks also for all the applause.
Andy
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wow
as usual this was very well written. I found only one thing in this whole thing that may need fixing.
In a lonely Manhattan apartment a lady named Michelle waited for what—she didn’t know. She expected no one to care…no one to come.: named Michelle waited, for what—she didn’t know.
That is all. I can not wait to read the next chapter, that i will do tomorrow, maybe ealier if i get bored lol. keep up the good work.
Karissa
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Hi Karissa!
It's very nice to have you back for more. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it.
Thanks also for pointing out our missing comma, I'll fix it shortly.
Andy
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Lively
I love the fact that there is dialogue via radio station, makes it more interesting.
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Howdy EE!
We tried to make this scene as realistic as we could. It's quite a contrast to our opening prologue and we intended such. We're very pleased that you like the dialogue; Geri's a pro at it
.
We're glad to have you reading us.
Andy
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Can't stop. Must read chapter 2!
Okay. Okay. Fork over more dough Mark. I get all settled in to listen to a night of people voicing their problems, Poor Michelle glad she's getting help, yep Sarah's not the first to have problems with her child... not sure what might happen, chapter is ending, huh I'm a bit confused, Oh crap! Don't answer the door!
Nice work, you lulled me into a false sense of relaxation only to hit me over the head with a brick. See if I let my guard down with you two again!
Only saw one thing and it may be my strange sense of warped comma usage but #3 I think there should be a comma after show.
Th.
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Hi Tammy!
Back to replying, I couldn't keep my eyes open and my brain focused, yesterday.
I went to the 'show' and sure enough, found a missing comma
. Put one right there where it belonged. Thanks for pointing out it's absence.
Poor Michelle, a lonely young New Yorker, whatever might happen if she answered the door?
Andy
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I like the normalcy of it, it gives a kind of (good) shock to the reader after reading the prologue. It kind of makes me feel like something pretty big will happen soon...just my thoughts.
Anyway, you guys have done a great job so far, i will be reading the rest of this novel.
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Hi sberendt!
Thanks so very much for starting our story and for commenting and all the applause. We appreciate it.
We're glad that you've decided to read our novel. This is the second draft and we've already started trying to find an agent.
I hope you enjoy our story.
Andy
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after the prolouge it was pretty normal, a good sign
I'm now on my way to chapter 2 .
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Howdy!
I'm glad that you're getting into our story. I feel that this is the best write I've been involved with. Geri is an amazing writer and I contribute as much as I can.
Andy
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It all seems so peaceful and normal in this chapter unlike the prologue! I am, in a silly and sick way, hoping the serial killer unleashes his wrath to those silly humans and kicks some ass! LOL, you see, when I read books of a similar genre, I always tend to cheer on the 'bad guy'. People have that tendancy I think, just like with everyone cheering on the Joker in TDK in my local cinema. Really interesting, I can imagine what you're describing and I've been pulled in.
Mike
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Hello Mike--nice to meet you
.
Sorry, I'm a bit behind in saying thanks
. I just found my messages and realized how much reading of *The Devil* you have done 
.
We appricate your choosing our novel to comment on and hope you will continue to read and enjoy it.
I see you have started on your own novel. I read through the first chapter. Once the glitches on the site get cleared-up I'll do a critique if you like.
Geri
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Hi Mike!
Thanks so much for starting our story. I hope it continues to draw you. The killer changed his M. O. when he moved to NYC.
Thanks again for reading us and also for commenting and applauding. We appreciate it.
Andy
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It's really getting interesting
Now I have to read the whole book. I'm so glad to have the opportunity to read the book in the correct order.
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Hi Trish!
Soon we'll probably be posting the second draft more quickly. We've been working on this novel, now, more than a year. We hope, of course, to find a publisher for it and get rich
. I hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as we've enjoyed writing it.
Andy
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This is very well written. Having read the Prologue, it makes it all the more intriguing. I don't think I've got any constructive advice for this one. Well done!!!
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Sorry, I'm a bit behind in saying thanks.
We appricate your choosing our novel to comment on and hope you will continue to read and enjoy it.
When you don't find any goofs--that's great cause this is the second draft. But if you do feel free to point them out, I like to
Andy.
'course he hits back
.
Geri
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OMG! This is really good! Keep it up (of course, you have!) lol! But seriously, this was really good! Two thumbs up!
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Hi!
I just noticed that I missed your comment. Sorry. I'm very pleased that you like this story. We're editing it in order to send it to an agent.
Thanks for reading, applauding, and all the applause. We appreciate it.
Andy
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Excellent
Very good, Andy and Geri. You have a very nice first chapter. But I can shake the feeling that I read this before from you.
Nice nice work,
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Gotcha!!
Hi Lynn. We both post and sometimes get *Critters* commenting on the same chapter from different angles
Which is great!
Geri
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. We appreciate it. You may have read Geri's copy of this. She and I both have it posted on our pages. Hopefully you'll find your place and follow along with the story.
I'm very pleased that you like it.
Andy
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ooooh
This was good, No add ons from me this time. I liked it like this. Well done guys. Creepy having read the prologue, I think I know where this is going.
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'morning Thayla, just popped in here to say hello and thank you for the great comments.
Hope you like what you read and will continue with our story.
Geri
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Thanks Thayla
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. Well, there's a lot to this story. This is the second draft of it. Where do you think it's going. I may not let on, on the grounds it could ruin the story for you.
Andy
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Hmmm, very intresting. I really like how this is going. I'm very intrested to see what's going to happen next. Poor Michelle no one to talk to her. A very well done read.
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Hi Neal, sorry but somethimes I get forgetful
Thanks so much for reading, enjoying and commenting.
Geri
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Hi Neal!
I just noticed I hadn't replied to your comment here. Sorry.
I'm very glad that you found this interesting. This is the second draft of the story. We're trying to get rid of all the little problems.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it.
Andy
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