I painted a picture for you on the path. It started with a tree, the tree that we used to sit under together. You carved my name in there and encircled it with a heart. I got cranky at you and you laughed. It’s only a tree you said. Yeah, but it has feelings too ya know. I tried to be tough, but crumbled. You could always make me crumble under your warm smile and cheeky eyes. 1
Next I added some birds, the kind that kids draw, a slightly curved v in a group of v’s. We used to laugh that we were like birds sitting up in that tree, watching the world below, privileged with our own little view. We were our own little flock.2
Finally I drew us. You, tall and handsome in pants and a top that clashed horribly, but somehow made you look cuter. And than me. Snuggled into your strong chest, looking up at you with the biggest smile on my face, looking happier than I’d ever been. 3
When I’d finished the picture, I turned around for just one moment, one small moment and rain started to fall. Before I even had a chance to turn around and look for one last time, the painting had been washed away. Streaks of colour washed down the path and the last thing I saw was the rain washing you away.4
A contest entry
- When It Rains by Orimis.
100 points, ended November 5, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i'm in love with prose (:
this is good. you should write more. -
Sad.
...But emotion is emotion, and I love it regardless. I can't quite decide what it is about your style that I find so appealing, but, well, it is.
Your closing line brought everything home.
Thanks for entering! -
This is so beautiful!
I could feel how you really wanted to live forever with this guy.
Although the ending made me think that no everything is happily-ever-after.
Good luck in the contest!
~LoneWriter
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Wow, this is beautiful! So beautiful and yet so sad. Kinda makes me wonder what the backstory is to this? Is the couple broken up? Did he die and the rain washing his picture away is a metaphor for that? Great job! Good luck in the contest! : )
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Great
I think your story is very well-written. It seems happy at first, but that last line, "Streaks of color washed down the path and the last thing I saw was the rain washing you away.", gave it a sense of sadness and made me even MORE interested.=)
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