Love Story

The following is an outline of a love story I am going to write...so what do you all think? Does it have potential to be a novel?1

I am going to tell the story in the novel from a backwards perspective- you know, they say...once long a go....this is what happened...2

and the story is only from the women's perspective- because it is a story of Unrequited(even unknown) love...which makes for interesting motives etc. 3

The plot evolved over the past few years with casual encounters with this guy(amazing how inspiration hits), and luckily I have a great imagination, and wrote this all over the past three years. 4

You aren't going to find this finished language...just bare points, and very personalized language, that will evolve over time into more substance. I am going to work on this over the next year. It's going to be my major project..so look for it. I will probably publish it as chapters on here, before I send it out. 5

Advice to all you: You never know what brings out your muse, so never reject your feelings, even if other people say that they are wrong(how can any feelings be wrong in a writer?)6

and now for the...7

NOVEL8


Introduction:9

Now that I am over him(the guy spoken about in the letter to my professor friend), and did it proudly in private without ever having rocked anyone's boat, I can now tell you guys the whole stupid ridiculous story, that I am so embarrassed about now. Of course, I still love him, but alas what can be done...it is only a fantasy, and always will be. So here's the whole empty one-sided story. If there is another side to the story(which I HIGHLY doubt, only he knows it, and will ever know it). Geeze I feel silly now. But anyway, yeah, here it is:10

Lets start off with a fitting quote: "Is it love? Please don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."11

And the context: Me- a person who has never flipped out over anyone in her whole life(unless out of ignorance or coercion(gullibility) ), not even over 'stars', never had obsessive traits in her whole life, doesn't drool over men's' naked bodies...and never has love hit them(except once- present husband when he was 18)...12

So now, preliminaries are out of the way, here's the god-dang freak story...have to be honest with someone, wish it could be him(if I could I would be this very second)....but I can't, so I defer to this lousy journal, and no one in 'real' life will ever know. (Don't worry I'm used to living my life with secret feelings that are not allowed to be expressed...feelings in my family are considered the same as 'sin').13

Point form plot14

-He is spoken about to me(30 seconds), and I realize this person is talking about the man I already love. (Don't ask me...I don't get it). (and I didn't admit it to myself til forever later)15

-I see his short, sincere email to my family
-I see his picture 16

-I see more pictures 17

-What am I supposed to do? I didn't ask my heart to feel the way. His picture triggered all these feelings in me18

-I meet him once, my eyes get all sparkly, 19

-I can't stopthinking about him20

-shyness for the first time in my entire existence on earth overwhelms me.21

-months elapse. Hubby and I go shopping. I pick up the card I want to send this guy and his wife(I realize he is married now), and get too shy. I put it down. It's the perfect card, and the only one I picked up. I tell my husband who it was for, but that I decided against it. We leave the store. My husband says he forgot something and goes back in. When he comes out, he begs me not to look in the bag. I have gut feelings that tell me to, but decide not to, and don't. 22

-He(the guy) sends my family a Christmas card that reinforces my perception of him, and unbeknowst to him, my feelings for him. I feel like I am holding something holy. I am also very shocked because it is the very card I intended to send him, but got too shy to. This freaks me out, and I begin to think he and my husband are playing a stupid trick on me- thus making the whole feeling toward the card now ambiguous. 23

-I see him again. he has a teasing playful manner, and it kills me to think he might be making fun of me.24

-I go home and literally weep over him I love him so much. Never really a 'meaningful' word between us(just exchanged glances and teasing), and never any indication that he feels the same way).25

-it hurts26

-and continues to hurt.27

-I tell everyone on earth what has happened.(The whole story beginning to end)28

-I cry everyday in my room.29

-I realize it is all fantasy, but not something I chose, and don't understand why this all happened to me.30

--During this whole time I have no outlet for expressing my feelings, so I start writing poetry,weeping the whole time.31


--he keeps showing up in my dreams in various forms- hiking trip, friends home, a few mystical dreams: flying through Russia, being in Russia as paupers and lovers(me and him),I have this vision of being united with him in an exchange of energy in the 7th heaven32

-The universe playing the joker again with me....loves to mock 33

I think I can put my feelings aside and be nice to him.34

-I do everything I can think of nice for him35

-He is indifferent towards everything I do, with a fake politeness36

-EXCEPT when I'm around- he is his teasing self. I see him, and he greets me by leaning is head against his arms, and giving me this intense goofy humorous stare of 'I love you...not'. 37

- every time I see him, he is teasing(just cause that is his nature, not personal to me, though to me of course)38

-he wouldn't remember any of this...39

-I stay bold. Nothing can change my feelings of caring for him, and I send him my first ever email.40

-he answers41

-I read his femaleness as rejection, and give him a cold response42

-I follow it up with the dumbest email ever- me trying to be funny.43

-surprise a month later Christmas rolls around, and he sends me a gift- a romance CD of all things(!!). And surprise!!! The card is again the same one for the second year in a row that I thought about sending him, but didn't.44

-he fills the card with his beautiful handwriting and sweet sentiments, that make me yearn for this kind of love all the time.45

-I let the romance in the CD confuse me, and I fantasize that maybe possibly he could feel the same way.46

-I begin to notice really weird things. 47

-I by chance look down at the dollar I am holding in my hand, and notice the number is his birth-date and mine! 48

-I realize my social security number is his birth-date and numerological number.49

-we get sick at exactly the same time unbeknownst to the other, and I feel like I am on my deathbed ready to die. I had never been sick like that in my entire existence, but as a child. I feel his presence over me comforting me.50

-one time I am crying in my bed, thinking nothing is going to change. I can't stop the way my husband treats me. I feel this guys presence and he tells me all is going to be okay.51

-of course none of that is true- just fantasy. 52

-I realize it's all fantasy. I realize the CD was nothing. My husband's brother sent him a t-shirt saying 'pig' on it- he doesn't see his brother as a pig(!). I realize again it's all fantasy after discussing it with close friends(one from ). I realize the truth- him sending me a romance CD just shows how clueless he was that I had any of those sort of feelings for him!!! Thank God!!! whew!53

-but what hurts, is not that he doesn't return romantic feelings, but that he doesn't return ANY feelings: 54

-I send him the dumbest, fakest, politest emails for 4 months(just a few- once a month maybe), just as an excuse to write him and he doesn't return any of them! I send him a birthday card with my deepest feeling of all: a wish for his happiness- no word. I send him a get well card when he's sick. 55

-and even his teasing has always been indifference towards me-I realize that perfectly.56

-Now I hate him. He hurt me.57

and I trusted him not to.58

-I fall back into the same place I was before I met him59

-and he moves on with his life...60

-And I cry61

-he's not a jerk. This is just the way he is.62

-Remember, it's all one sided- in my head the way I am interpreting my contact with him63

-I cry.64

-I move forward crippled, but no more-so than before I met him. BUT also realizing it was stupid. A crush like any other. I was never good enough for him! I'm too ugly. I am embarrassed over everything. 65

-stupid me. I didn't even do anything- except let myself feel feelings which my husband warned me not: 'always live in your head, dear'.66

-I'm already ugly and gullible. And now I feel like a dirty, disgusted sinner 67

too.68

-I feel bad that I went down another dead road...being silly enough to let my feelings take over like that.69

-I call it the karma dynamic- because it felt like I was being carried along...70

-Can you believe I went through all this in secret, alone....just me and my fantasy world. Ha, it made me a poet, lol.71

-And I end with I will always love you(him), and my deepest feeling for you even deeper than any romantic feelings was a wish for your happiness, and I wish that for you and your wife, forever- happiness,prosperity, peace, and everything good that life has to offer. Just to know you are happy means everything to me, and knowing that, I have a sense I can now get on with my life, and handle whatever life throws at me. 72

-The End