My mind run rampant on the past

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This isn’t correct in grammar or punctuation or anything worth caring about because to be honest this is a mere stream of emotions thoughts and whatever just flying through my head. Actually to be frank since this is basically taking a microscope to my brain…if this was to be turned in to an English teacher it would more than fail. But that is the story of my life isn’t it? Well maybe it isn’t I mean I get decent grades but it isn’t what my mind is centered around…but really is my mind centered on anything? 2

Maybe pain or depression…that is what I am most accustomed to at least have been…I try not to I really do. I would like more than anything just to be happy…truly happy. To be able to think back and remember a time in which I was truly happy. I mean it isn’t like I have a horrible life. Maybe I will explain a little and you can be a judge of that. 3

My home life is typical in the way that it isn’t. Happily married parents. What is normal about that these days…I mean what is the divorce rate I mean seriously? But anyways moving on my parents are together and have been for their 17 years of marriage. My father is a quiet man occasionally described by me when referring to my family as the quiet guy in the corner having a heart attack. But either way I love him. Then there is my mother I could go on with her for days but lets just state my nickname for mommy dearest ah well what was it oh yes Satan… suits her well. A hard working “loving” mother with OCD and a tendency to loose her temper when she goes in to fits. Might add she is beyond ignorant with her lack of education being a red neck she had to help her family and get a job in the eighth grade. Lets just say my grandfather is pretty much a millionaire but he was never taught to share so after divorcing his wife he didn’t see that she might need money to raise his well what was it hmmm there is Otis, Faye, Joyce, Kathy, and my mother…yes 5 children. He was busy with his 3 other marriages he was screwing up. But either way if you cannot handle my jumping subjects I suggest you stop now because I am going to continue this way. Yes next moving along with my ‘happy’ family there is my brother Jason… yes well not much to say about him he is the child my mother adores even though he is a drug addicted drunk. Pathetically not even taken seriously to society probably why he can’t even keep a job. At 27 not many people hire a high school drop out. The only thing he has to offer is the fact that he is bilingual and has a way to talk to people…manipulative really he can get almost anything he was probably why he is still living under this roof…Most of this he got from his father which might I mention is not my father. Maybe I should have been a little bit more clear My brother and I have different fathers we are half siblings…Ah yes that is another one of my mothers mistakes her first husband who beat the shit out of her but she always fought back usually a hot iron in her hand. But either way that is where Jason gets most of his problems or tries to blame them hereditary my ass. 4

Another thing which comes next on this List are my friends the people which mean more to me than my family. The people I love most in my Life. I Believe For this one I won’t go in list from importance but in list from the beginning…From first meetings to last… 5

First I think it was Adi…Adrienne. I really loved her. We live right next door to each other. Along with her came Hannah but me and Adi were closer. Were the three. Hannah was very young like 5 I believe…I said this was the beginning… Adi was a year older than me so when I was in 4^th grade she was in 5^th…the only thing I believe is sad about this is they were my first real friends. That is why I believe people think I am so odd. I never was comfortable around people. Mainly because I spend most of my time in my mind away. In my own little place. Moving about 12 times before you turn 6 does not allow for many friendships to be made and kept. I spend most my time with my father in the little run down shit hole we called home that month. Oh look at me I am running off subject again. But moving on Adi was a little off herself so maybe that is why we got along so well. She was a little bit of schizophrenia in herself. She occasionally went in to fits that she was the devil or a witch or something. And this was not normal to children’s playing this was Adi and she was my best friend my first one so I assumed it was normal…even when she went in to choices about Death and things of that matter. This was from the age of 7 and up. We will just say I didn’t have much of a normal childhood. She was my first friend that really mattered. But I have no clue where she is now. I tried to call her a few years back she blew me off. I guess she changed…or maybe we grew apart. Moving does that to people. Next there is my all time friend I might has well have put her as my only family. Because she basically is. Brittany, Salemhale, Nikki, whatever she is to be called at that time. She has always been there for me Even moving in 6^th grade didn’t stop her. Our friendship from 2^nd grade never faltered. Not even once. And I love her for that. We have gone through every face of depression together. With cutting and everything. Her life has been far much worse than mine but I guess I just can’t handle my life and I am just a whiner. But either way there may be miles and miles between us but I don’t think we could ever be any closer. Moving on her comes 7^th grade year. Along with that cam a group of people I will never forget. The main group in my mind. Stephen, Derek, and Me. I really don’t think I could ever let them go they hold such a special place in my heart right next to Brittany. With the both I have had a romantic and platonic relationship. Stephen a little more than Derek. Stephen and I had a relationship I shall never forget no matter how much I would like to. We were engaged and did plan to marry each other but plans never work out…currently it is just an up in the air thing friends one day arguing the next then the next oh yea hi or w/e…I guess that is how things end up. Derek and I went out twice but things also didn’t work out there he cheated on me and we were just better as friends. Which we have been since then. He is more like a brother to me. Either way I must move on from that before I begin to cry. Yes I am terribly sensitive I cry at the drop of a hat. Ah who is next we are reaching the close end of friends I thing Well Next there Is my friend Matt. He is a trip. We don’t have much of a serious friendship we are more fair-weather friends. It isn’t that we can’t handle when things get a little rainy because that has happened before. It is just we try at best to avoid that. It is mostly just fun and stuff. Thinking back now I realize what a waste it is to start writing this because it can go on forever and I can speak of everyone I have cared about and everyone that has been there for me but why stop now….WHY? Okay next on my list is Jonathan someone I kind of wish I never fell for but I did and now I don’t regret. There is noting I can do to change that so I will just try my hardest to forget it. Then there is Shawn. He is such a sweet guy and should have never stepped anywhere near me. But either way it isn’t like it matters now it is just too late… 6

Another thing in my life which hurt is the about of people which I have cared about which in some way small or large scale have ended up hurting me. The number one person is Stephen I really did give him everything and yes I have given up on forgetting him I have just tried to live with the fact that I love him the most…Then there is Kyle his hurt was not because I cared it was because of the betrayal. First off many but it hurt the most. I know I never spoke of him before and that is because he did the worst not only in smashing my heart but the in sharing about my habit my cutting and not only that taking joy in making fun poking fun with a person who hated me …Alex. Next on my list is my mother which that I have become accustomed to. She does it everyday so what does it matter. Everyone else has hurt me also in some way or another I am hurt way too easily. Maybe I am just too fragile. 7

I think one thing I have learned which hurts the most is sex…not physically as most people think but mentally. Emotionally. That shit hurts a lot. Though I have only been with two people in my life I love them dearly. That may scare them but I am true to myself and what I feel. If I love you you will know it the reason why is because if I know you and speak to you I do love you/ I love everyone all I ask is for that love to be returned…8