I Promise

I clutched my stomach as I shoved my index finger down my throat. Soon, all of tonight's dinner was in my toilet bowl. I repeated the cycle until I was dry- heaving and I couln't puke any longer. I grabbed some paper towels and dabbed my eyes and mouth. I felt gross, still.1

This happend almost every night. My mother would force me to eat, so I have no choice but to make myself puke. I'm duisgusting. People tell me I'm as thin as a rail, but something inside of me won't let myself believe that. To me, I'm a 6,000 pound elephant that would fit in at a zoo. I can't stand it.2

I'm a prisoner inside of my own body.3

I don't like being "anorexic". I feel like I'm so different and so far away. Food looks repulsive to me. The last time I actually ate a normal meal was days ago.4

But I cant tell anyone about this problem. I'm afraid they'll put me in a clinic, or take me away somewhere. I'm also worried I'll get fat.5

I went into my bed room and laid down. I was so lightheaded I felt like I couldn't breathe. I pulled the blankets over my head and tried to push the sound of my grumbling stomach out of my head. I have this feeling constantly. I gave up to my stomach and took the mini protein bar with 5 calories and 0% fat out of my drawer. I made myself take a bite or two, and then I felt sick. I threw the rest back into my drawer and clutched my head. It was throbbing. I finally fell asleep to this feeling, another day miserable.6

When I got to school the next morning, the smell of freshley baked muffins wafted through the air from the cafeteria. My mouth was practically watering, but when I walked inside and saw the millions of chocolate chips embedding into the pastries, I felt my stomach get queezy. Also, I saw an image of my self as an actual elephant. I ran out of the cafeteria to get to my locker.7

I was running down the hall, when I started to feel dizzy. My knees started to buckle, and my vision was blurry. I tried to stabilize myself, but I was too weak. I slowed down, and dropped my books. Then, I felt my body grow limp, and my legs became un- supportive. I felt myself thud against the ground. It was like I was a robot. My vision glitched a few times, and then I felt myself shut down. I was un-conscious.8

When my eyes fluttered open, my vision was still blurry. I heard something beeping, and I heard people talking from a distance. I squinted, trying to get a better look around.9

I was in the hospital. 10

I called for someone to come. I called to my mom and to anyone who could hear. I needed to be saved from what I was becoming. I had gone frome 130 pounds to 85. I felt like bits and pieces of me were being taken away each day. I felt myself try to gather up the energy to yell again. It came out sort of like a mumble. Suddenly, I heard a door open and close.11

"Ms. Elizabeth Ferraro?" A yound woman's voice said.12

"Yes, that's me, but I can't really see anything my vision is blurry."13

"Well we dialated your pupils, and you had a very mild concussion from falling, but you'll be fine. You've been asleep for about 13 hours."14

"13 hours?!"15

"Yes, and you must be careful, all of this was brought on by starvation."16

"St-st-sta-starvation?"17

"Yes, it seems like you haven't eaten in ages, and you look sickly dear. We're going to help you. And don't worry, your dinner will be here shortly."18

"I'm not hungry." I lied quickly trying to sit up. I moved to fast, and I felt a strain in my neck.19

"Oww!" I yelled and slammed myself back onto the white itchy sheets.20

She ran over to me and checked my neck. "Be careful! Your body is so brittle from not getting any calcium that sudden movement wills hurt, and lay down you need the rest. Also, you have to eat, otherwise you'll die."21

I felt the color rush out of my face. Die? I can't die! I was so scared I was ready to eat a whole Thanksgiving feast. "Well, maybe a little..."22

She wrote something down on a yellow notepad then heard a knock at my door. "Your mother is coming in dear." She said and held the door open while my mom came in, bawling. She embraced me until I felt like I was going to break.23

"Oh my goodness! My baby in the hospital! Why God, WHY?" She writhed, shaking her hands wildly. "Honey, why didn't you tell me!?" She fell into the chair next to my bed a hid her face in her hands.24

"M-mo-mom, I'm well, sorry. I was scared."25

My mom looked pale. I was pale. We were both scared about what was going to happen next. She reached for my hand and took it. Hers was shaking vigorously. "You can tell me anything." She cried looking at me. 26

I felt so stupid. Lying here in the hospital, my mom watching me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my own bed on my non- itchy sheets watching my own t.v and doing what I usually do. I was scared.27

"Mom?"28

"Yes sweetie?"29

"I wanna go home."30

"Baby, you can't. Even when you are ready to get out of bed, you need to stay to learn to eat again. You're not healthy enough to go home."31

I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. I should have never starved myself. My seceret was revealed and now I was going to pay for it. 32

My mom must've seen me start to cry because she was hugging me again.33

"Halley don't cry, please. We'll get through this, I promise. She rubbed my cheek and kissed my forehead.34

"I promise." 35