Dandelion

What is a world of perfection? Would there be no wars, no poverty, and no protests? Would it have beautiful scenes everywhere you look, a smile on every face you see, a rule that is never broken? Rhonum, in a world of crisis, searched and found their perfect world. They avoided war by blocking out any country that would disagree with what they said. They avoided poverty by distributing food among their people; no income no expense, no surplus, no shortage. The perfect amount. They eliminated protest by dominating the will of the people. Anyone who argued was immediately put to shame. The world is warm and beautiful, perfectly arranged; perfectly organized. Every flower bed has marigolds, every fountain holds an angel. Nothings different, everything is clean and like a portrait.1

Yet, what do you paint if you are in a painting? What is a smile if you can’t give it to others? Through Rhonum’s gates, past the perfection is emptiness. Orders are given to imply joy. No one knows sadness, therefore no one is happy. This is what perfection becomes; misery. After years of sameness, there has been no bright eye. Until one night, when the sky was speckled with stars; a baby girl was brought into the world.2

It was exactly midnight when Sarah Reed was brought to life three months early. As soon as her birthmother went into labor, no one believed she would survive. Yet, she showed them how wrong they were, coming out crying like any baby would, black mess of hair on her blotchy head. After a week in the hospital, the baffled doctors sent her to the man and women to which she was assigned. They accepted her willingly. Yet, they didn’t know that Sarah’s incredible birth was the mere start of the puzzling prospects that were yet to come.3

Sarah learned to talk when she was one and, as many of her instructors later commented; she continued to excessively practice it for her entire life. She didn’t walk until she was three, perfectly content with sitting and starring dreamily at the sky. When she entered her first year of lessons, at five years old, she refused to have her hair braided, as Rhonum etiquette required. Instead, she would have it fall down to her back, black locks shining in the sun. She wore pants instead of skirts and orange instead of white. Sarah was the star that shone brightest in the sky of millions, yet she was in a galaxy all of her own.4

She was looked down upon by every teacher, parent and official that she ever crossed paths with. Those younger than her avoided her out of caution and those in her class thought she was weird. The phrase was constantly repeated to her; the code that was followed in Rhonum more than any other, “Sarah, you are no more special than anyone else.” And that was the end of that.5

It was when she was in her fifth year of lessons that Sarah discovered her own code; one she would follow for the rest of her days. 6

Sarah walked into her classroom, a full ten minutes late. Her hair was short-barely coming down to her chin. This was one of the creative ways Sarah’s mom had come up with, trying to embarrass her child enough to make her sink into the norm. Her attempt, however, backfired when Sarah came to school with her short hair up in two pig-tails jotting out either side of her head. An orange baseball cap was placed firmly between them and she wore a pink jumper with a green undershirt. Upon entering, she looked at the neat, uniformed group of children sitting in their desks, all with white shirts and either khaki skirts or pants. She giggled at the sight that seemed ridiculous to her colorful mind skipped further into the classroom.7

The instructor came up to her, dark eyes shining with disparagement under her small spectacles. “You are late, Mrs. Reed.” she told the Sarah in a stiff voice. 8

But, the little girl just smiled. “Sorry, teacher.” She laughed and skipped to her seat next to Jason, her assigned playmate for the year.9

Jason was a child like any other. Like all Rhonimain boys, he parted his dark hair down the middle in a perfect, neat style. His outfit was spotless and he shuddered at the idea of breaking a rule. His skin was fair and his eyes, once light blue, were now gray. Little life glowed in the eyes of the children of Rhonum.10

As the teacher began to lecture, Sarah hummed a soft tune beneath her breath, staring into space rather than pay attention to the lesson. Jason looked her over, quizzically, normally emotionless eyes having a confused look to them. Sarah noticed this after a moment and grinned at him. “What’re you thinking, Jason?”11

He shook his head and looked back at the teacher.12

“Don’t worry about her.” Sarah hissed. “Just whisper and she’ll never hear you.”13

Jason seemed to of ignored her, but his interest defeated his caution and he turned to his playmate. “Why are you late, Sarah?” He whispered in a barely audible voice.14

“I was looking at a dandelion.” She told him. “It was so pretty, with the white fluff all over it. People think they’re bad, but I think they’re beautiful.” 15

“You’re late because of a weed?” He said in a shaming voice.16

She nodded.17

He sighed, a second question remaining in his eye, but he ignored it and turned around.18

Sarah found this disheartening and tapped his shoulder. “What’re you thinking, now, Jason?” she asked.19

He sighed. “Sarah, I don’t understand you. You get in trouble on purpose and dress weird and talk all the time. Why do you do that?”20

“Why shouldn’t I?” She asked shrugging.21

“Because, Sarah, you are no more special than anyone else. There isn’t a reason to stick out.”22

Sarah paused. Slowly, she looked over the boy whose eyes were dark and serious. “I may not be specialler than anyone else, but that doesn’t mean I’m not special. Why shouldn’t I stick out? I wouldn’t if other people would look different too.”23

“But, Sarah, you make everyone hate you.”24

“I do?” Sarah asked. “Do you hate me, Jason?”25

He was silent for a moment, and then whispered quietly, “No-“26

A ruler was slammed on the desk making Jason jump and snap into immediate attention. “Jason,” The teacher said sharply, “you know better than to talk on class.”27

He nodded and looked down, thoughtfully.28

The following day, as Sarah walked to school, she was delighted to see a dark blue tee-shirt on Jason’s person. The enriching color was refreshing to Sarah’s eyes and she laughed. “Jason!” She exclaimed, “What are you wearing?”29

He was a deep shade of red, trying to ignore the confused glares of the passing adults. “Sarah.” He muttered and smiled, “I like the color blue.”30

Sarah grinned as the bell rang signaling the four minute period they had to get to school and he began to run off. But Sarah didn’t immediately follow him. She looked after him, smiling and when she looked down she was surprised to see a dandelion poking its fluffy white head above the grass. She grinned and picked it. 31

“Two of you into two days, huh, Mr. Dandelion.” she whispered to it. “I guess your multiplying.” Giggling, she clutched the flower in both hands, drew a deep breath and blew. Seeds propelled into the air, getting carried off by the wind. She watched them, white contrasting nicely with the blue sky. Silently, she thought, ‘Let’s see how many seeds I can spread.’ 32

Author notes

This is my first short story that isn't just goofy and weird! woo hoo!

Sarah is actually a character in my novel, Sheaagos. It took me forever to like her at all, but lately I've warmed up to her. She does come from Rhonum and such and blah blah blah. I hand wrote this stroy trying to overcome writers block and liked it enpough that I polished it up and posted it.

Agian, this is my first. Be merciful and merciless at the same time. Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it.

The theme, as you can probably tell, is that individuality is not something to be looked down at for, and you should always be yourself.

A contest entry

This is my first short story. :D

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 42 of 42
  • I Write naked gold member
    November 9
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    I thought this story was pretty good. I may suggest not so much exposition, summary or whatever at the beginning. I normally don't like that in short stories. I like your theme. I do think for the purpose of thematic writing only maybe doing this through Jason's eyes would have been better, so he could have learned a the lesson of the theme. Sarah would have made a good "mentor". A nice job still though


  • chiapet
    October 29
    Edit | Reply
    i loved it


  • gocubsgo25 silver member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    This is one of the better stories I've read in a while. The description was nice and you really captured what it would be like to live in a state like Rhonum. I enjoyed this story, not because of the language and characters--although they were good--but because of the theme and message for society and politics.

    Good job. Thanks for entering.

    Best of luck,

    gocubsgo25 a.k.a. Cubby

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      October 29

      Edit | Reply
      Huh, it didn't tell me I got this comment. Sorry for the late reply.

      Anyway, thank you for reading, I'm really happy you liked it. Yeah, Sarah is a big character in my novel, and her world of Rhonum is never able to be put out there, even though it was developed and had a huge meaning that I felt strongly about. So, I made this story, mostly for the theme.

      Thank you again for the comment, and the honderable mention.

      -Savannah


  • CinnaAgent11
    October 11
    Edit | Reply
    That's magical in a way. I would hate a world where it was like that. Great story!

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      October 29
      Edit | Reply
      It didn't tell me this comment was made, so sorry for the late reply.

      I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you very much for the comment

      -Savannah


  • seasonsoflove
    October 7

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome! Great work here!

    Plot: 4
    Language: 4
    Theme: 5

    Total: 13

    Great idea here. Love your dandelion metaphor. Keep it up, and thanks so much for entering!!


  • Kagamine Rin
    September 23

    Edit | Reply
    Weird, yet descriptive and enjoyable to read. A good read, at that. This is really good; I love the story so much.

    Thank you for entering.


    • Surreal Rhapsody
      September 23
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, I am really happy that you enjoyed it. I appriciate your reading it.

      -Savannah


  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    September 22
    Edit | Reply
    This was good and enjoyable too read. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest!


  • BlackTide
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    pretty good... one of the better ones... intriguing hook, it caught my eye

    beginning: 4.


    • Surreal Rhapsody
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, I'm glad you liked it and finished it. I appriciate the comment.

      -Savannah


  • Loopy Lou 1998
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    A very touching story. I like it the way that it talks about how perfect things that are always the same, are actualy very boring.
    louisethebeaver.

  • lalala69
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    This was a good story. It reminds me of Stargirl, by Jerry Spineli in a way. You have good use of dialog and a very catchy title. My favorite part was the beginning, you presented it very strongly. I was just wondering why, in Line 27, Jason got in trouble for talking and not Sarah. It seems like the teacher would have been more likely to yell at her because the teacher already has something against her. Good work though, and thank you for entering.

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      July 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, I am glad you liked it. in p27 the reason Jason got in trouble and not Sarah is, for the most part, teachers have given up on her. However, when I rewrite it, i will be sure to hgave the teacher say something to Sarah. Thank you very much, good luck on your contest. ^_^

      -Savannah


  • toolenduso
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    Hey, I remember your synopsis in my last contest! I'm glad to know you're pursuing this, and this piece certainly points towards a success of a story--I really liked this one.

    It reminds me of Anthem by Ayn Rand, but unique in your own way. And even though this is part of a bigger universe, if not part of a bigger story, you did a great job of making it conclude as if that's all there was.

    My favorite part about this story is the way in which you presented your theme: not too blatant, fairly subtle, open to interpretation.

    So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!

    Style: 10/10
    Flow: 10/10
    Uniqueness: 4/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 9/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 5/5
    Total: 48/50


  • Marisalyn13
    July 1

    Edit | Reply

    What IS a world of perfection???

    Bring Me To Life's World Of Perfection:
    Everyone has lots of money
    No world hunger
    Enough houses for everyone
    A lot of private islands
    No wars
    Perfect everything

    But then again whats thefun if the world was already perfect? think of the world right now as a challenge, and to beat the challenge, we need to start recycling and stop global warming, help the hungry, stop wars. Think of it as our little project!!!

    This was a very good story!

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      July 1
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the comment, I am glad you liked it. I'm am happy that you could ralate to it. A world of perfection depends on how you look at it. To me, perfection is a silgular aidea, therefore, if everyone were perfect, everyone would be the same because they would fit the same image. So, everyone would be the same, and individuality is demolished. I also don't think anyone can be happy unless they expirence something to comapre the happiness to, so if the world were perfect, no matter what defnition, no would would have expirenced a bad time. There is no such thing as a perfect life in the world we live in.

      I agree with you to, that the imprefections in this world gves us humans a goal to shoot for. THat's a good addition that I hadn't thought of. Thank you for your thougts!

      I'm glad you enjoyed yoursleces, have a good night and good luck on that contest, it's going to be massive!


  • Jennywinnie
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    As I've been reading I think the story certainly gets stronger later on. You might consider cut down the beginning. If it would be I would just jump straight to paragraph 3 but that's because I love action. I know that you are trying to get some main ideas across, so you could consider plugging them into the story instead of having the be smack in the beginning...but it's up to you.

    LOL "Your late because of a weed?"

    I loved the ending line,...let's se how many seed I can spread.

    Awesome


  • iDifferent-
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    This is a beautiful story. I love how one person can make such a difference in the world. Being special is something that everybody should be able to do. I love your character named Sarah. I'm glad that she didn't want to be just like all of the other people. Imperfection is power, I must say.

    Good luck in my contest, you've hit high with me.
    ♥RayneFall♥


  • SCREAMxTOxxBExHEARD
    June 10
    Edit | Reply
    I liked this. I loved your style of writing as well.

    Good luck in my contest ^^


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    May 13

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    As I said yesterday, I don't usually like this kind of story, but your style of writing 'hooked' me from the first sentence. And to my surprise I thoroughly enjoyed this story! I think you have a real talent for writing. I find your style of writing quite powerful.

    Your first two paragraphs are beautifully written.

    A few suggestions, nothing major:

    4th paragraph - I'd say; Instead, she would have it fall down her back, ...

    5th paragraph - I'd leave out the last sentence.

    7th paragraph - 2nd sentence - Her hair was short, barely reaching her chin.

    I love the description of Sarah in the 7th paragraph - so vivid, I could actually 'see' her.

    Further along; Jason seemed to ignore her.

    Further down; Sarah paused. Slowly, she looked over at the boy ... etc.

    3rd last paragraph - He turned a deep shade of red.

    last paragraph - "TWo of you in two days, huh, Mr Dandelion," she whispered. then, "I guess you're multiplying.


    • Surreal Rhapsody
      May 13
      Edit | Reply
      oops, soory for hitting 0 at first.

      Thank you. I'm happy you liked it so much! It really makes me happy.


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    May 12
    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed reading this well-written story. Not the type that I usually like, but you write really well!

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      May 12
      Edit | Reply
      I'm happy you liked it. I'm not THAT great of a writer, but thank you for telling me that I am. If you have any sort of tip telling me how I can improve, I would very much apprieicaite it.

      -Savannah


  • comicgirl93
    March 20

    Edit | Reply

    luv it :)

    i luvd it. reminds me of aeon flux. i luv futuristic stuff where the perfect society doesn't seem so perfect after all. another wonderful lesson as 2 every1 & thing has its flaws but tht doesn't mean it shud b frowned upon. good story can't wait 2 read more.


  • Holey Pastry
    March 8

    Edit | Reply
    First off, i want to say sorry for taking so long to get to your story. The contest filled up faster than I thought it would.

    Second, I really liked this. The idea of a utopian society that none are really happy in is awesome. I hope the dandelions keep spreading!

    Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • beezy92
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    I like the meaning in the beginning. It's pretty insightful. Perfection is misery, those who don't know sadness can't be happy. I like it. There are some tense change issues though. And the sentence "Rhonum, in a world of crisis, searched and found their perfect world." is pretty awkward. I would rephrase that.

    In line 4, you mispell "staring" and spell it as "starring."

    Also in line 4, you write, "Instead, she would have it fall down to her back" I think it would read less awkwardly, "Instead, she would let it fall down her back."

    I know that Rhonum is your made up country, and as such, you can spell it however you want, but it would make more sense if the inhabitants were Rhonumians instead of Rhonimains. It's not consistent otherwise.

    In line 14 you write, "Jason seemed to of ignored her." It should be, "Jason seemed to have ignored her" or more concisely, "Jason ignored her at first."

    Also in 14, "Why are you late, Sarah?" He whispered...the "He" should not be all lower case.

    In 15, "'I was looking at a dandelion.' She told him." should be "'I was looking at a dandelion,' she told him."

    It's a mistake repeated throughout the story and I won't list every instance, but it would be great if you went back and corrected all the sentences with the same mistake.

    I like the meaning in the story though. And I loved the ending. You're a great writer, there's just a few grammatical errors. (: Finalist list.


  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    it was pretty good after all but it isn't famous material. always when your a writer strive for a best seller


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    February 12
    Edit | Reply

    hm...

    thank-you for your entry, i will be reviewing the finalists momentarily!


  • Celestial Rose
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm...interesting. Quite the story, really...Though I was kinda confused, but thats cause I skipped a line....never mind . I liked it a lot, and thought the ending was well done. Great job!

  • Pooky.bear
    November 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Sharh shoud be more hipper


  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    October 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This changes my perspective on Sarah. I love this little story, her past. Great job. I really enjoyed reading this


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    FLOWERING!

    So...you took my advice and tried a short story! Well, all in all, I'd say you did a pretty good job of it. Excellent characters, dialogue and over all structure. Because of time constraints I did not read this as slowly and carefully as I might have (but that's probably a good thing. Lol!) Still, I don't think I missed to much. I just didn't get too picky! Be careful about things like "specialler" (even though it was coming from Sarah...it should be the more correct "more special." And, of course "your" in P33 = you're!
    Good job!

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      October 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yay! You liked it! I am happy.

      I intentionally put specialler, because Sarah doesn't care about grammer enough to pay attentionto that, hmmmm... there sin't a p33... do you ,eam 3? Thanks for the comment!


  • EphemeralStyle
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lol!!!! I LOVED the ending line!

    This really showed development in her character. I understand her a little more now. Really well written; awesome work!

    Eph


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    October 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sarah is warming on me as well. This is deffently something she would do if she was forced to conform and it explains somewhat of why she ranaway looking for something different. Its a great short story, great opening, great ending, and great plot. See, you can write short stories too, now try and write one that itsn't connected to your novel.

    • Surreal Rhapsody
      October 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I will do my very best, eventually. But, next thing I will do is, agian, try and type my chapter either tonight or frieday night.

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