I ran up the stairs of the apartment building. Tenesha followed me and I was greatful. We walked up and up the stairs until we reached the top. I pushed open the heavy, metal door and we ran, hand-in-hand, into the night air. We stood there, looking at the city we were in.1
"It's beautiful." I breathed.2
"So are you." Tenesha said softly as she turned to face me. We looked at eachother as she caressed my cheek. We got closer and closer until our faces barely touched. 3
"I love you, Tenesha." I sighed.4
"I love you too, Holly." She replied. And just like that, we kissed.5
A Few Weeks Earlier**6
"Holly, don't!" Tenesha screamed as she fell to her knees and tears bursted out of her eyes.7
"Why not?!?" I yelled at her as my tears doubled.8
"Because! Holly, don't you see? People love you. Jacob loves you," It's true....Jacob would die without me."Your sister loves you...and.....I love you." My eyes went wide at that one.9
"Y-you love me?" My hand lowered a bit.10
"Yes! And not like a sister either. I was scared that you would shun me and leave me; hate me forever...Just come to me? Please, Holly, please."11
My mind raced through all of my thoughts and I got light headed. I put my hand on my head, closed my eyes, and stumbled, the gun now layed on the floor. 12
"T-ten-" My words were slurred and Tenesha instantly ran to me and catched me when I fell. I heard her scream my name and a tear of hers dropped on my cheek and crushed together with my tears as they rolled down my cheeks. And with that, I passed out.
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"Hunny?" A familiar voice said. My eyes fluttered open and I looked around. Mom?14
"M-mom?" I asked, reaching for her hand. 15
"Oh, Holly! You're awake, you're awake." She said, tears bursting out of her eyes. She kissed my forhead.16
"W-where's Te-tenesha?" I asked. My mom nodded her head the opposite way of me and I looked over. Tenesha was sitting in a recliner sleeping with a blue blanket. I smiled a sad smile.17
"You...are okay, right, hunny?" Mom asked. "Why would you do that? Was it because of me?"18
"Mom, it's not because of you, don't talk like that. I love you.
" I replied.19
"Then why'd you do it? Why'd you do it, Holly?" 20
"....Dad...." Her eyes widen.21
"W-why?"22
"Mom...h-he...raped me...." Everything was silent and her eyes widened even more. I started to cry.23
"Oh, hunny!!! I'm so sorry I didn't pay attention! I'm sorry." She said kissing me on the cheek.24
"It's not your fault, Mom." I smiled a sad smile.
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Now**25
We stopped kissing. We both smiled like a bee when it sees flowers. I hugged her and she hugged back.26
"Tenesha? Don't ever leave me...."I whispered softly in her ear.27
"I won't ever...I promise." She whispered back.
Author notes
ScenexXxLove I'll just make it a prolouge. Is that okay?
I want Brutal critique with this one.
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I couldn't help but notice that you're 11 years old and with that in mind, you seem to have a natural talent for writing. I encourage you to keep it up! I hope that I can be of some help to you with this critique.
Okay, let's get down to business.
A flashback in the middle of a short prologue is probably not a good idea. It feels like two completely different stories chopped together and there isn't really much of a connection made between them to make it work. I recommend choosing one direction or the other for a prologue.
The story is very confusing at first. I didn't understand that it was a suicide attempt until the conversation with Mom. You might want to elaborate more on the suicide scene to make the context more clear to the reader.
Speaking of the conversation with Mom, the announcement of paternal rape is too straight-forward and sudden. It comes out of nowhere and doesn't sound right. Mom's reaction to it is just too subdued. Hearing that your husband raped your daughter should be like getting stabbed with an emotional screwdriver in the guts. And you gotta make it hurt the reader as much as it hurts mom.
I vote that you keep this story going, but be sure to pick the right place to start it; kissing or suicide? Start with one and bring in the other later.
Good job! -
A good start, and the flash back is a nice touch. If you ever do more you should tell a little more about the main speaker, I'd like to know a little more about her. But, a great idea, and well done. Good job
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Thank you. ^.^
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awwwww!!!!
I Loves it So wonderful..
Good Luck!!
I ♥'s You! -
I love it so far!
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I ♥s You!
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Ah... Gods, the romantic beginnings just fill you with butterflies... ^_^
Will look forward to this. Best of luck! -
Awesome Start I love It!!!!
Good job Friend!!
~:}
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