the center of the world

This probably won't make much sense to those of you who haven't read this book, but I'll try my best. Just bear with me...1

***2

I can't quite recall what first drew me to this particular book, nor what lead me to actually sit down and read it. Whether it was the fact that my friend MK was demanding I get one with her so she wouldn't feel alone in getting it, or the fact that my friend Logan was urging me to read it as he'd heard it was a good book, though he had never read it himself, I picked it up. And then I sat down, and began to read it.3

Upon first opening the book, I never quite expected much from it. It was from first person POV right off the bat, so in the beginning I expected it to be just okay at the most. (First person POV stories have never been that appealing to me.) I never expected it would keep me on my toes the whole way through, nor did I expect it to be absolutely addicting enough to read it whenever possible, even ignoring teachers in class if only to open it back up and begin where I last left off. But most of all? Never did I ever expect this book would be absolutely and completely relatable.4

I'm not sure when I first started doing it, but I did it. I found myself comparing myself to Phil, found myself comparing my life to his, and the people in his life to the people in mine. Slowly, but surely, I became Phil. I noticed the patterns of his rises and falls matched mine, and strangely enough? I found great hope in this book. I felt excited every time something happy went on, every time something good happened to Phil...it was almost like the one thought that ran through my head was, 'He can have the happy ending I won't ever have a chance at. But if he's just like me, and his story ends happily...then maybe mine has a chance after all.'5

I'm not sure when the mood of the book went downhill. I can't exactly recall the time that things for Phil ended up falling apart. There had been so many hints throughout the rest of the book that I had simply disregarded, simply ignored. It was because of this that I found myself on the bus ride home today in tears as I read onwards. Turning into a little corner to hide myself as everything Phil had worked so hard to gain...had been taken away from me.6

I wasn't crying for Phil. I wasn't crying for his dear Nicholas. I wasn't crying for Glass or Dianne or anyone else in that novel for that matter. Alas, I was crying for myself.7

I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, if not insane, but that's just the way my mind works. And as if that wasn't bad enough, there happens to be just one line towards the ending that absolutely gets me. It's what Nicholas says to Phil, when Phil asks Nicholas if he loves him. "I need you, but I don't love you." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase, even from my own Nicholas. It sounds crazy, doesn't it?8

Well, all this time, I have spent so much time comparing my life to Phil's, turning my life into Phil's, following along with him...So if story ends badly, then what chance do I have? I refuse to read the end. I already know what lies ahead, and I won't let myself kill every last inch of hope just yet. As long as I can pretend Phil may have a happy ending yet, then maybe I can pretend my own life can have a happy ending still.9

But in the end, as I look at this novel now, I know that I must finish it. And I will. Because it's not me who's become the story, but rather the story that has become me. And I feel as if if I don't finish this story, then I won't be able to finish me. I will be forever incomplete, and I will never know what life has in store for me. When it comes down to it, my life and this book are complete and total different entities. What happens to Phil might not happen to me. It's just a story that I'm reading, and I'm taking it far to seriously.10

But if there's one thing I've learned from all of this? Don't let stupid things kill your hope. No matter how important.11

-Mackenzie Furash, October 28, 200812

MY REVIEW AND REFLECTION ON ANDREAS STEINHOFEL'S NOVEL, the center of the world