Think thin

"Here try this one on, it's a pretty blue color. It'll look great on you."1

I took the dress from my friend Katie's hand and went into a stall. We were trying on dresses for our schools semi-formal in one month. Everyone else already knew exactly what their dress sizes were, but for a tom-boy like me, that was the last thing on my mind. 2

In the dressing room, I hung up the silky, ice blue dress next to the mirror and started unbuttoning my Rider jeans. The dress I was trying on was a medium. I knew I probably was better off with a large, but didn't want my friends to make fun of me for being so huge. As I zipped up the back, I stopped halfway. The dress was way too tight and if I forced my self into it, my C cup boobs would surely burst. 3

"Becky, how does it look?"4

"Yeah, come on out. Let's see it."5

I stood directly in front of the mirror, inspecting my body fat. My stomache bulged out in a big bubble and stopped where my hips jutted out in a strong, curvy line. My arms were thick and flabby until they reached my wrists; the only narrow part of me. I felt like a whale. There was no way I was going to open the door for them to laugh at me. 6

The dress was barely zipped, so that I had enough room to breathe. Looking at my reflection in the mirror made me feel ugly and useless. I'm such a fat @ss, I'm a total fat @ss, I thought to myself. I began to lift my arms out of the dress, but somehow managed to tear the seam a tiny bit. Realizing my mistake, I gasped. 7

"Becky what's wrong? Are you okay in there?"8

I couldn't speak. It wasn't fair. Everyone else could get in and out of dresses so easily. No one else had to worry, but me. If I tried putting on a dress, I got stuck and ruined it. For a moment I wished I could've been any where else. There was a reason I dressed like a boy most of the time. 9

Luckily, I got the dress off and escaped from the prison-like stall. My biggest nightmare was just beginning though.10

"I don't like this dress very much. Oh well, I guess I'll just wear a shirt instead or something..." My explanation was nothing but a bunch of nonsense. Fortunately my friends got the hint that I didn't wanna talk about it. Whenever I said something about my weight before they were always there to comfort me. Now, they knew how I felt and they didn't know what to say. Their usually talkative mouths, now frozen speechless. After my friends paid for their dresses, we left the mall and went home. 11

That night at supper I could feel myself edging closer to rock bottom. Nothing could cheer me up from my mood in the dressing room and to make matters worse, my mom wouldn't let it go. 12

"I had boys all over me when I was your age. The only thing I had to worry about was which one to take to Prom, not if the dress would fit me."13

My eyes stung with the tears that began to form under the surface. Nothing about me was every perfect enough for my mom. She was a cheerleader who got everything she wanted. Now just because I wasn't exactly that, she was punishing me for being fat. Every Friday my friends and I would hang out and have our weekly sleep over, but this Friday I wouldn't be there. My parents were grounding me until I lost weight. To me none of that made sense. Weight wasn't like getting good grades or helping around the house. Weight was personal, weight could change or not change. You had to have a certain will power to make that change. With me, I didn't share that will power with my parents. They always told me I could do it if I really wanted to, but I never believed them. 14

"Mom I'm sorry. I promise I'll lose at least 5 pounds by Christmas. Maybe I'll even apply for a gym membership, is that okay with you?"15

"Yeah I guess so. But 5 pounds isn't enough Becca."16

Her words flew into my ears and slapped me hard on the head. Depression slowly leaking through out my brain and into my nerves. I had been there before, and I didn't want to see it again. The dark disorder of my past where I never felt good enough. The story of my life, it seems. 17

I pushed the food around my plate, letting my eyes stare into space. Mixing the potatoes into their neighbor, the peas, I pretended that my plate was already empty. My stomache felt full and I didn't feel hungry anymore.18

"Can I be excused, I don't feel that hungry anymore."19

20

Locking my bedroom door, I sat on my bed and tried to stop the screaming in my head. I want to show my mom that I could be the daughter she always wanted, but I need to lose a lot of weight really fast. I'm so sick of being the fat girl that sits on the side while her friends get dates. It wasn't just because of my parents that I had to lose weight though. A month ago, I applied to a school for modeling. It's something I've always wanted to do but couldn't because of my weight. Everything comes down to weight. 21

Standing in front of the full bodied mirror on my door, I wanted to chisel away my hips, thighs and everything else. Maybe if I only eat at the three times I'm supposed to, I'll shrink away my bulging body. 22


The next day at school, I had lunch with my friend Casey. We'd been best friends since 4th grade when we met over a game of twister. 23

"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Casey looked at me with prodding eyes, her roast beef sandwhich sitting patiently in her hand. In my own hands there was nothing. Today marked the first dieting day. It was for my own good. 24

"No I ate a really big breakfast," I told her in my defense. 25

"Okay, if you say so." The conversation was over for now. Leaving me free of any more questioning.26

As the week moved on, I felt myself wasting away happily. I hadn't eaten breakfast in almost a week and I only ate a few bites at lunch on Tuesday and Wednesday. Supper was a must for me because after not eating all day, I saved myself from collapsing. Even at supper though, I only pushed the food around my plate and took a few bites here and there. My mom loved my progress, she was so proud of me. She told everyone at work that her daughter was losing a lot of weight and I even heard her whisper to my dad that I looked sort of pretty now. Hearing her say that made me feel a lot better about myself and I knew that this diet thing was a good idea. But my friend's didn't agree, and it made me angry. 27

"Becky you look like shit! When was the last time you ate something?"28

"Oh my god, are you anorexic now?"29

"NO! I'm just on a little diet that's all. Chill." They were really starting to tick me off and I couldn't take it. Everyone else was proud of me, and they had to ruin my mood. 30

"But Becky, I haven't seen you eat lunch in a few weeks, and you didn't even have pizza with us on Saturday at Chunkies. Something's really wrong with you."31

That was it I'd had enough of listening to them criticize me about my weight problem. They didn't know how it felt to be fat. I was sick of them. 32

"You know what? If you wanna criticize me for doing something I'm actually proud of, then I don't need to stay here." I gathered my stuff and walked out of the Cafe and to the bathroom. I didn't deserve hearing that. 33

I locked myself into a stall and stood on the back of the toliet so no one could see my feet. It looked like I was gonna be in there for a while and I didn't want my history teacher to send someone after me. I was starting to get really really hungry from not eating for the past 3 or 4 days and my lunch bag looked extra tempting. Stepping off the toliet and opening my bag, I took out my mom's home made sandwich. I usually throw it away at school so that she doesn't notice I don't eat, but I had forgotten to today. Scared that if it stayed in there that she would see it, I stuffed the whole thing into my mouth and began to chew furiously. 34


When I got home from school finally, my stomache felt like it was ready to explode. I had eaten the whole sandwich, an apple and a big Hershey's bar I had gotten at the gas station on my walk home. The energy drink I had bought was gone within minutes and all my dieting work was down the tubes. I had to find a way to start over, I had probably already gained back the 5 or 6 pounds I had lost. It worried me that my mom would come home and notice I was getting fatter again. My stomache bulged out from beneath my tight baby-tee and I didn't like it. So I decided the only was was if I made myself throw it all up. Most of the food isn't digested yet so it can't be that hard. 35

Making my way towards the bathroom, the phone started to ring. It was my mom.36

"I'm gonna be a little late tonight okay? There's some extra traffic up ahead. You make yourself some Mac and Cheese in the microwave if you get hungry."37


"Okay mom, see you then." 38

I knew I wouldn't eat the Mac and Cheese. My mom was an idiot for thinking I would too, she knew I was on a strict diet now. That diet couldn't include extra soduim and cholestrol mixed with Kraft cheese flavoring. 39

Finally in the bathroom, I lifted the toliet seat and hesitated for a second. I wasn't an expert purger so I wasn't sure how to make myself throw up. Deciding on using one of my fingers, I placed my index finger in my mouth. Letting it go as far back as it could, while still giving myself time to breathe inbetween. I took one last deep breath and shoved my finger further back. My stomache churned with nausea and I gagged, as I watched all the contents of my lunch fall into the white bowl. I couldn't wait until I felt light again. 40

41


The next day at school, my friends were standing in a group near the main doors. When they saw me, they followed me to my locker. The whole time, trying to get me to take about what was going on. 42

"I had cereal for BREAKFAST, what did you have Becca? My favorite cereal to EAT is Cap'n Crunch."43

"Yeah, I have a bagel sometimes. As long as I EAT SOMETHING."44

"I know, it's always good to EAT something. My mom said it speeds up your metabolism. Especially if you also EAT LUNCH."45

I slammed my locker door and turned to face them. They stood there with wide, guilty eyes. 46

"Leave me alone. I'm FINE and I don't have an eating disorder. If you payed a spec of attention, you'd know I'm just on a little diet."47

48

That night, my mom started getting worried too. She reminded me that it's been a while since I've eaten in front of her and my weight was dropping rapidly. 49

"Becky you're wasting away now. I think it's safe to stop the diet."50

"Mom, I'm fine. God why is everyone watching me like a hawk?! I have been eating." 51

The last person I could trust, was suddenly on my friend's side. They're all idiots. No one can tell me what I can and can't do with my own body. It's my weight, I can do what I want with it. I was finally proud of myself. My reflection in the mirror appeared slender and tall for the first time in my life. Now it was just my tummy. It was still very flabby and round. 52

The grilled cheese I had at suppertime felt like lead in my stomache. The bread was so fattening, mixed with the thick cheese and melted butter, but it was all too far gone to throw it up. My eyes rested their gaze on the box of laxatives on the counter. The label clearly written: Do not take unless used for constipation. A small smile stretched out across my face. Here was my solution. It wouldn't hurt because it was supposed to make you go. That's all I would need it for, to get rid of the greasy meal inside of me. There wouldn't be any regrets if I only used them once. 53

My hands closed around the square box. This would be so much easier than purging, I thought to myself as I inserted one pill then another. Somehow, happiness didn't see so far away. 54

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