Not Anymore.

The situation was always too difficult for her to deal with, I knew that from the beginning and if I was any kind of smart I would have backed off right away. At first the playful banter was cute and fun but then it became serious, the two of us started spending more time together and more began to happen. In other words, our delicate flower began to bloom and being as selfish as she was she continued to pull me along by that wonderful string of hope, despite the fact it was too much for her.1

“So, you’re seeing someone now?” I asked casually one day though I already knew the answer.2

“Yeah, I am.”3

A look of discouragement crossed me face and silently I cursed myself for allowing her to see that her reply broke me. 4

“I meant to tell you sooner but things with us have been so great lately I didn’t want to ruin them.” 5

Selfish bitch, I thought bitterly. Despite how obvious discontent I replied clearly and almost happily, “Oh wow, really? That’s great. I’m so happy you’ve found someone.” I can still feel my heart splintering, jagged pieces of it poked through my chest, staining my blouse with my crimson feeling.6

She hugged me, “Oh thank heavens! I was so worried you’d react badly. I miss you, Britt. I want my best friend back.” 7

“Yeah,” I answered as I blinked back my tears, “me too.”8

A few days passed and things began to change, just as I knew they would. My heart secretly ached for her and whenever I saw the two of them together I nearly broke down. ‘I’m stronger then this,’ I told myself constantly. As if I could fool my heart? 9

Funny thing was though, that it wasn’t just things with us that had changed. As time went on I noticed more and more about her dream guy who seemed to constantly be dreaming of other women.10

It started to show, people began to notice and I couldn’t let them. I lied, made up excuses as to why my eyes were always so glossy, why I couldn’t focus in school and why just the mention of her name drove me close to insanity.11

Insanity. Sweet and comforting insanity. I entertained the thought of what it would be like to be insane a few times and I usually ended up laughing at myself. It would have been nice to take that path, at least that way she’d be with me in my mind instead of not at all.12

We began to fight more, a lot more. Everything that happened was her fault and she became so blind by this moron she was so happy with. He borrowed money that was never returned, he chased the skirt of any woman who walked by. She wanted my friendship, or at least that was what she said. I’ve tried being her friend. I warned her that he was no good, told her over and over that he’s been at other girls, his eyes are not just on her. The difference between the skirts he chases and the one that he’s got at is side is that she is stupid enough to be there. She wasn’t happy with me.13

I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to rip my heart from my chest and cease the beating that kept me going. The heavy feeling that settled over my chest made me feel like I was being sat on, perhaps by Cupid and his big diapered rear. 14

“What the hell is the matter with you?!” The eruption echoed throughout the tiny condominium like hearing thunder in a cave.15

“What do you mean?” Just the innocence of the question was begging me to reach out to her, hit her hard with my cold hand so that maybe she might suffer just the slightest.16

“You’re with this guy who is using you! He takes your money, he sleeps with you then you don’t hear from him for days, he drinks uncontrollably and he isn’t even close to this bloody Saint you’ve been searching for!”17

I caught just the slightest sting of my words before she wiped her face clear,18

“You’re wrong.” She sounded almost ashamed when she spoke,19

“Oh, am I?”20

Silence.21

“Face it; you’re only with this creeper to hide how you really feel!”22

“How I really feel about what?”23

“Me!” I paused for only a moment to gather my emotions, everything that has settled in my chest and head over the past few weeks so I can make everything as clear as possible, “You’re only dating David because you don’t want to deal with the very real situation we’re in.”24

She began to shake her head and quickly I grabbed her shoulders, giving her a quick hard shake.25

“Yes, you are. Can’t you see it? Rebecca, everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other. At first you always seemed so willing but now you’re hesitant. So what? Was everything we’ve done together a waste? Was every word you’ve ever said to me a lie? Because so help me, if you used to me try and figure things out I will walk away from you right now and NEVER look back.”26

Tears streamed down her cheeks but I refused to go soft on her because I knew that was what she wanted. I knew her. After months of fruitless teasing, love making and talking I knew every trick in her dark black book and this time, I wasn’t falling for anything.27

“Say something!” 28

“I didn’t use you,” she began quietly. “I didn’t ever plan for things to happen like this, they just did.”29

“Then what the hell is going on? I don’t understand your logic on any of this.” I had let go of her shoulders now and taken a step or two back. I couldn’t dare be that near to her because I shook with anger.30

“I don’t know…”31

“Rebecca, I love you.”32

She shook her head and angrily I turned away from her, unable to bare the feeling of betrayal again. 33

“See? Every time I say that now you pretend you don’t hear, or you shake your head! Face the facts, you are who you are, whether that means you’re bisexual or not. “34

“I’m not bisexual,” she protested, “and I’m not a lesbian either.”35

“So you’re straight?” I asked, turning around now.36

“Yes-“37

“Then why have you fucked with me head? Did you get that much pleasure out of using me as your door mat?” 38

“I didn’t!”39

“Then tell me what you’ve done!”40

At this she turned and began to walk away. She left her bedroom where the argument had taken place and headed toward the door, not bothering with her shoes because even they wouldn’t keep her feet warm. 41

“Rebecca, I love you.” I repeated this as I followed her but I went no further then the door as if some invisible barrier was keeping me there, rooted to the spot.42

“I can’t hear you!” She hollered before disappearing down the stairwell.43

I stood there for the longest time, in that doorway as I watched the love of my life walk out of my sight. Tears burned my eyes like acid, searing my flesh as they trickled down my cheeks yet despite it all I felt calm. My heart ached for her yet now when I see her it freezes over and I look away, uncaring of her pleading face. I will not bring her back into my life for I cannot deal with anymore of her drama. 44

I don’t say ‘I love you’ anymore; I hate not being heard.45