Another Day On the Farm

It had been a busy day on the farm; there were sheep that had to be fed, horses to be hoofed and eggs to be collected. Jenny wiped hair from her face and took a breath..she was absolutely buggered. School holidays were meant to be fun, a time to relax and hang out with your friends, but for Jenny, it was always work, work, work. Sometimes she really hated living on a farm and wished that should could be like the city kids, be able to walk to school, go to the shops after class and catch up with friends in the holidays. For Jenny, life was pretty isolated. As the youngest of 3 older brothers she never really had anyone to keep her company. Now that she was older, her dad had put her to good use on the farm and it felt like she never got a moment to herself.1

Jenny loved to walk far out into the paddocks and find her favourite tree, that she’d affectionately named Elmo; climb high into his branches and read a book. It didn’t really matter what book she read, Jenny just loved to read. It was her escape from a very lonely world.2

“Jenny, your dinners ready” Her mother called. 3

“Alright mum, I’ll be in a minute” Jenny said, wishing her mum away so she could just stand and watch the sunset and have one moment of peace and quiet for herself.4

“C’mon Jenny, inside now, you’re dinners going to get cold” She said impatiently. 5

Jenny sighed and trudged inside. As she opened the heavy wooden door, a burst of noise rushed at her. The usual scramble to the table and her three brothers slapping everything onto their plates as they talked loudly, cursing and laughing at each others jokes.6

Head down, face somber Jenny took her place at the table and slowly picked at her meal. Boiled chicken, with mashed potato and fresh veg. She hated the taste of boiled chicken, how it tasted like there was blood and the thought of the poor chicken that’d lost its life to feed her. 7

She knew that she should be tougher and her family just laughed at her when she talked about not wanting to eat meat, but she couldn’t help but feel sad for the animals. It wasn’t like they were abused or mistreated and they were fed really good food, but she thought they deserved a life too. 8

More times than she’d care to count, she’d had this intensely strong feeling that she just didn’t belong to this family. Her brothers were such meat heads; they lived and breathed farm life. On the weekends when all the work was done, they’d go pig hunting and drinking beer, coming back with some poor pig hung from the back of the Ute, drunk and laughing. She hated it when they went pig hunting and would cut out it’s innards and chase her around with them, eventually catching her and smooshing them all over her face. 9

She was quite a fast runner, but with 3 of them, she stood no chance. She’d feel so disgraced and indignant, her face would flush deep red, her ears would fill with a rushing hot air and she’d almost loose her control. She’d shove them off her and run to the bathroom, locking herself in and turning the shower on full blast and so hot that it burned. The burning felt good and seemed to burn away some of the anger she held within. 10

The farm they lived on was massive and there were many different work sheds scattered across it. Often Jenny would run to one or the other to hide away and explore the various tools and boxes stored in there. There was so much memorabilia and things from their childhood, boxed away into suitcases and sealed boxes that she’d slice open with a knife and than reseal once she’d gone through the contents. She’d found love letters from her parents once and as she’d read through them she’d felt more connected to them than ever. They were so young and hopeful in these letters, dreaming of the future and talking of their love for each other. Her father was off at a Business School and her mother had moved in with his parents, while she waited from him to finish and come home to start their own family and farm. Where had their youthful exuberance and adventure gone? They seemed so old to Jenny now, after a days work on the farm, they’d eat a quickly prepared dinner and than sit in front of the television, drinking wine and barely speaking a word. Jenny never dared try and interrupt them, for fear of reprimand. 11

There was always one work shed that Jenny had never ventured to, she’d always been warned away from it. 12

“Jenny” Her dad had said firmly. “You’re not to go into that workshed..Its very dangerous and you could get seriously hurt”13

The work shed had an ominous presence to Jenny and she felt it wherever she was on the farm. Sometimes she swore it was leering at her, as though hiding some dark and dirty secret. Though true to her father’s word, she had never entered the workshop.14

One Sunday afternoon, Jenny had just had enough. The boys had gone out pig hunting and she could hear the roar of the Ute getting closer to the farm. She just couldn’t handle their brutality today; she quickly gathered up her book and a glass of water and dashed from the farm house. She saw their Ute in the distance, coming down the main road, realizing she wouldn’t make it over the main road and toward a further, more sheltered work shed; she took a deep breath and ran towards the forbidden one. She knew the boys would never come looking for her there because she’d been so scared off going there.15

Her lungs filled with cold, harsh air as her legs pushed her forward towards the ‘safety’ of the work shed. Cautiously she pushed open the rusty door and was amazed at how clean everything was inside. There was an old, wooden desk in there, with a lamp and pencils. She walked over and picked up one of the pieces of paper and saw it was an invoice for a sheep sale.16

Jenny was confused, what exactly was so scary or dangerous about this work shed. There was nothing but old suitcases and boxes, more than likely filled with childhood junk and her parent’s belongings. She started sifting through the boxes, slicing them with a letter opener. 17

Just as she thought, the usual farm documentation, mementos from holidays and school stuff. Than she stumbled across a folder she’d never seen before. It was a plain manila folder with the name Jenny Andrews, written in thick black texter. That’s weird, Jenny thought, whose Jenny Andrews, I’m Jenny Blake.18

Without hesitation, yet with a little, she slammed the folder down onto the table. Opening the manila folder, she saw a letter with the letter head19

“Department of Families, Children and Community Services”20

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Blake,21

We’d like to congratulate you on your successful adoption of Jenny Andrews….22

That was all she read..she threw the folder to the floor and ran from the work shed. Her head was in a whirl and she could barely notice the blur of the trees as she ran or the eager shouts from her brothers as they noticed her.23

Jenny ran and ran until she could no longer run. She stopped behind an old gum tree and leant down, gulping in air, until finally she had caught her breath. She flopped onto the roots of the tree and absent mindedly picked drew circles in the dirt with a small stick. 24

Adopted25

Adopted26

The words running through her head like an endless train. In one way she felt immense relief, this was confirmation of why she didn’t fit in. In another way she felt completely abandoned and lost, if these weren’t her parents who were and why had they left her.27

Jenny sat for ages under the tree, not really moving or saying a thing. Her head was a constant whir of questions and why why why. As dusk turned to dark, she easer herself off the ground, using the tree for support. Slowly she trudged back to the farm house and by the time she pushed that heavy wooden door, darkness surrounded her. 28

“Jenny, where have you been all day?” Her father asked, with a hint of annoyance. “We could have used your help collecting the chicken eggs. Am I to assume that you don’t want any eggs with your dinner tonight?” He demanded arrogantly.29

“Assume what you want” Jenny responded belligerently. “I don’t care what you think. I’m not like you and never will be” Jenny yelled and ran through the kitchen, lounge room and upstairs to the bathroom, firmly locking the door behind her. 30

Her father thudded up the stairs after her. Anger permeating out of his skin.31

“Jenny Blake you open that door right now. How dare you speak to me? I don’t want to have to use my belt” He threatened menacingly. 32

“I’m 16 now, you can’t touch me with your fucken belt and besides I’m not Jenny Blake, I’m Jenny Andrews. You’re not my dad” Jenny screamed at him as she slid down the bathroom door, tears falling in buckets down her cheeks.33

Jenny’s dad walked down the stairs, slowly and completely thrown by Jenny’s outburst. How did she know this? What did he do now? 34

He walked back into the kitchen with a stunned look on his face, the 3 boys and Jenny’s mum stopped eating as he entered. They had heard everything that had been said.35

“The boys saw Jenny coming from the work shed today” Jenny’s mum told him.36

“Which one?” He asked, still dazed.37

“The work shed” Jenny’s mum replied, raising her eyebrows and giving him an, I have no idea what to do look.38

He sat at the table in deep thought and than rose from his chair, walking slowly through the kitchen, lounge room and finally up the stairs to where Jenny lay sobbing in the bathroom.39

“Jenny darling, open the door. You’re not in trouble”40

“Go away” Jenny sobbed. 41

“C’mon darling, open the door. We need to talk about this”42

“What is there to talk about? No one even wants me. You don’t want me and they didn’t want me. What parent in their right mind gives up their child?”43

“Jenny” He soothed. “Open the door. We love you very much and we definitely want you. Please open the door”44

Reluctantly Jenny opened the door. She fell into her fathers arms and sobbed and sobbed. He sat with her for an hour in front of the bathroom door as she cried and cried. He rubbed her forehead as though she was a child and wiped away her tears as they fell rapidly down her face.45

“Dad, why did they give me up?” Jenny asked meekly, her voice barely above a whisper.46

“They had problems; you’re birth parents, Jack and Simone. They, were, well how to say it. People who liked to use drugs a lot, well all the time.”47

“My birth parents were junkies?” Jenny asked incredulously. “Well where are they now?” 48

“Well…that’s also a tricky one Jen. You see we wrote to your parents for years, they moved away and tried to get clean and for a few years they were. They even had another little girl, Saskia’s her name. Than, all of a sudden for no apparent reason Jack started using again. He had kept it hidden for a few months and than when Simone found out, the urges were too strong. Saskia was five at this stage and in Kindergarten. Her teachers noticed a big change in her appearance and manner and clicked on that something was wrong. Jack and Simone had kept Saskia in clean clothes, she was well fed and well looked after. Than, when they got back onto the junk, Saskia became emaciated, would always show up to school dirty, hungry and tired. The school called the authorities…”49

“But…dad..How do you know all of that?” Jenny interrupted..a look of confusion on her face.50

“Well Jen, we’ve remained friends with the guy who organized the adoption…he kind of kept us updated on all of this, even though legally he wasn’t meant to”51

“Wow dad, that’s insane…I don’t know what to make of all of this”52

“There’s actually a bit more to it Jen” he said gently, looking down at her and taking her small, feminine hand in his large, calloused claw. “You’re parents usage spun out of control, worse than ever before. They became so desperate that Simone started to sell herself to make money for their drugs. One night she was working in a park and some guy refused to pay her, they got into a fight and he stabbed her. Jack was there, he was her watcher, but he was too doped out to do anything and by the time he got to her body, she was gone and all traces of the guy who’d killed her were gone as well. Jack was so overcome by grief and shame he sat back in the car and shot up a double load. They found his dead body on hers”53

Tears were again flowing down Jenny’s cheeks. She was crying with loss and sadness at the death of parents she’d never known and parents that she’d never get to know. She lay into her dead and cried and cried, until eventually he lifted her up, like he used to when she was a child and carried her to bed. An exhausted and overwhelmed Jenny fell into her bed. Her father covered her with the doona and tucked her in tightly. He placed a kiss on her forehead whispering good night.54

As Jenny drifted into a deep and troubled sleep she thought dreamily of the parents she never knew she had and would never get to know. Her last thought as she drifted to sleep was of her sister, somewhere in the world and her very last thought, was the she would find her at all costs.55