Life in Aquarius can be summed up simply for me: busy, fast-paced, and hazy. Since I could remember, my adult life in the beautiful city was filled with little than constant missions for the queen. Every once in awhile, my life came to a halt during the occasional balls, for which I was an overseer and organizer. For a noble lord, this was a strange task: this was usually left to the ladies of the court to arrange, but the Queen, oddly enough, liked having me around to guard her guests - from no apparent danger. 1
I never could understand why, because even though I was regarded as one of the greater knights in arms, the Queen never seemed to be fond of me outwardly. But the balls are tedious and dull for a man of my tastes, so I end up enjoying being thrust into combat while on a mission of the Queen. People have dubbed me an apathetic, stoic-ish and emotionally-closed knight. For the most part, they were right, but there was a part they had yet to see - a part I had even yet to see.2
The city of Aquarius could be described as a beautiful and sparkling city, with the element of water practically adorning every corner, hence its name. Fountains and rails with embedded water streams were intermittiently placed throughout the city. Light blue tints were found on mostly every building and house. There was even a waterfall that flowed from beneath the castle grounds. 3
As one might find apparent from its appearance, it was a city that did not have any kind of water shortage, and thus was able to use the water as a power source for many appliances. If a drought came about, the city would undoubtedly be thrust into choas. 4
With hair dark brown and eyes a sapphire blue, I was dressed in black, lightweight noble's pants and tunic, which for their quality were quite plain, and carrying my family sword; it was silver-bladed, with a red handguard and handle, with a ruby embedded in the pommel and middle handguard. Dragons were embedded in the edges of the handguard, and a phoenix was embedded above the center. The blade had similar decorations, but with no coloring or jewels.5
I walked through the tranquil streets, observing the townspeople. I had awoke early that morning to scout out a nearby town, where Aquarian agents had detected spies of a neighboring kingdom, known as Olamia. Over the years, this kingdom had pushed ours to the brink of war by its constant raids on our countrymen.6
I was on my way to inform Queen Dalana of what I had discovered, and likely to be given another assignment as well. 7
I took a turn down a backstreet, which usually had few people to traverse its path during these early hours. I made frequent rounds in secluded areas - you could never know who is lurking there. 8
It turned out, going through the backstreet was a good idea. As I strode silently through the paved road, a heard a quiet squeal. I took a peek around the corner and saw a hooded man in black clothes mugging a woman, cupping her mouth with his hand. The woman was putting up a good fight, but the man overpowered her with his superior strength. 9
I drew my sword and nimbly slid around the corner, coming up behind the thief and taking hold of his shirt and pulling him back. The man stubbled back and tripped, cursing to himself. 10
"Call the guards, miss," I said to the woman, who was still frozen in fear. "Go!" 11
As I approached the fallen thief, the young woman regained her composure and ran. The thwarted bandit rose to his feet, drawing his own sword and rushing toward me. As his blade came for my face, I parried it back and downwards, turning swiftly and feinting for his neck. As the bandit raised his weapon, I slashed downwards for his right leg. The bandit was too slow to react to realize my fake attack and groaned in pain as my blade grazed the edge of his knee. I twisted my blade and cut as his sword-holding wrist, disarming him. As he fall backwards once more, the guards coming running from behind. I sheathed my sword and gestured towards the thief.12
"Another of the Baret Clan. Take him into custody." 13
I walked through the guard troops' presence as they went to take the bandit to the dungeon. Already feeling late to the throne room, I rushed through the backstreet, hoping no more people were being mugged. Luckily, no more bandits were to be found on my way to the castle. Within a few minutes, I had made it to the throne room. 14
I strode quickly but formally across the red carpet, kneeling at the bottom step to the throne before the Queen. The aging woman was heavily graying and wrinkling, but she was elegantly dressed and had a stout, regal presence. Queen Dalana was seated on her aesthetic throne, decorated with gold edging and red velvet cushions.H aving had problems with conceiving children, the Queen had only brought forth an only son. The King's throne beside hers was empty - the king had died five years before, and the crown prince had not the experience to take the throne just yet. 15
"Where have you been? I ordered you to scout that town only three hours ago, you should have been back at least an hour ago," snuffed Her Imperial Impatience. 16
"I am sorry Your Majesty," I said while bowing my head in attempt to hide my annoyance. Despite how often I had succeeded in my my missions for the Queen, she never found any accomplishment of mine to be any more than the bare minimum of a satisfactory result. "Confirming the presence of the spies was more time consuming than I had expected. But I discovered their location and informed our intelligence agents of their whereabouts."17
"Hm, well at least you were able to do as I commanded," stated Her Royal Gratitude. "I heard there was a bandit, presumably of the Baret Clan, mugging people in the city. I want you to find this thief and bring it to justice."18
I raised my head up slightly, having a little small glimmer of satisfaction of the fact that I had already accomplished this task. "On the way to Your Majesty's presence, I had the good fortune to catch this bandit in the act and turn him over to Your Majesty's guards."19
"Hmph. Good fortune, indeed." Her Imperial Arrogance sighed, seemingly almost in disappointment of my deed. Ignoring her obvious pontificating glare, I made sure to keep my head down to avoid crossing her looming eyes with my own. I had been rebuked by the Queen several times for daring to lock my eyes with her own. After a time of glaring me down, and thinking of something else for me to do, she cleared her throat. "Well... in that case, you are excused for the day." 20
I was surprised by this generous dismissal, and bowed my head to her in gratitude for the first time ever. "Thank you, Your Majesty." Despite the fact was I was now free for the day, I had nothing better to do than follow Her Royal Generosity's missions. I was almost disappointed.21
"If, however..." she said, then paused for a moment. I raised my head slightly, beginning to wonder if her generous offer was only a dangling carrot for bait. I pretended to have slight concern, though I was actually hoping she would give me something to do. "As I was saying, if you feel inclined to be further prove your fidelty by performing tasks for me, I am sure I could come up with something for you to do."22
My head still down, I raised my eyebrow at the words "prove your fidelty." For the past three years, I had faithfully performed the Queen's tasks without question and never once had I heard the words "thank you." And I had yet to prove my faithfulness to the Aquarian Throne?23
"If you so see fit, Your Majesty," I said, trying to sound disappointed.24
"Very well, Sir Martin Gilles. Since you seem to be so fond of preparing my monthly balls, I shall have you send out the invitations. Personally." 25
My head shot up in surprise, my eyes involuntarily meeting hers for a split second. I quickly darted them away. "Your Majesty?"26
"You know what I mean. Tell all the lords and ladies of my realm to attend audience for my Royal Ball this weekend. And for once... try to enjoy yourself at the ball. Being a noble, you should at least ask a single lady for a dance this time."27
I suddenly found myself wishing I had kept my mouth shut. Surprised as I was at the Queen's wish to enjoy myself, I had been too busy at any of the balls to find time to dance with any young lady, yet alone even notice them. I always had to check the guard, the kitchen, the audience chamber... everything. Even though I had no desire to lead the preparations, I was thrust into the situation nontheless.28
Instead of trying to protest, I bowed my head respectfully. I had learned to simply accept situations as they came rather than uselessly complain about things I could not change. "As you wish, Your Majesty."29
"Now, be on your way, Lord Martin." 30
With a final bow of my head, I arose from the bottom step and turned, immediately leaving the Queen's throneroom. Quickly gaiting through the palace halls, I lost no time exiting the castle walls. 31
Upon leaving the castle, however, I found myself unable to immediately obey the Queen's command. The eight guards posted at the gate were all on the ground, presumably unconcious or dead. I looked around, trying to see if they had been attacked by any apparent force or group. No one was around. The nearest house from the castle gates was about 100 yards. Both paved road and green-grassed ground in that distance were completely void of any presence. Were the intruders already in the castle? I had deemed it possible, but I sensed no disturbance within the castles walls. 32
I stooped down to one of the knight's fallen body and checked his pulse. He was certainly alive, and neither him nor the others seemed to have be wounded. I heard a sound behind me. Quickly rising and turning, I found myself surrounded by ten black-colored beings. 33
I looked at them, and each one appeared identicle to the other nine. Although they had human-like stances, they seemed to have animal-like builds, as though they were beasts who had learned to stand erect. But the more I looked at them, the more I realized they were neither man nor beast. 34
They had neither clothing nor skin. They had facial features of an abstractly like a man's, and they although they were apparent beings of a dark purpose, they looked like more of an absence than a presence. As they stood before me, their bodies swayed back and force, yet their feet did not move. These discarnate creatures seemed entirely otherworldly and appeared to have no true likeness among the many creatures of the world. 35
"We have come for you, my liege." I heard.36
The words seemed like a hiss-moan, but it seemed to come from everywhere all at once, as though it was a thought in my head but also spoken and heard with my ears. None of the creatures had moved what was presumably their mouths or had changed their stance, so it was though all of them spoke and yet none of them spoke-it just something that cannot be described in words.37
"What the hell are these things?" I shouted, drawing my sword.38
"Crissaegram, Ethereal Sword of the Ethereal Prince." I heard another voice say, but it seemed clear and human-like - certainly not the voice from only seconds before.39
I looked at my sword and looked at it for the first time as something other than an ordinary tool. Was it more than just an elegantly designed sword? 40
Whatever these eeiry beings were, I doubted I wanted to go anywhere they could take me. I decided to fight these creatures. I could only hope I would able to take them all by myself. Sword pointed outward, I charged them, with only these thoughts on my mind:41
"God help me."42
Author notes
What are these otherworldly creatures? They are the Disincarnate. Why? Because they do not exist.
These strange creatures get some of their features from of the Nobodies and Heartless from the Kingdom Hearts series. However, they have a greater likeliness to the Exterminators from Star Ocean: Till the End of Time.
Other than Kingdom Hearts and Star Ocean, this series already has numerous elements of other stories, with some other ideas coming from the Adventures of Robin Hood (the 1955-60 version, believe it or not), Final Fantasy VIII, the Jeanne D'Arc game for the PSP, Alice in Wonderland (notice the Queen's attitude?), some real life events, and, believe it or not... even some lyrics from Coldplay's "Viva la Vida." Go figure.
Crissaegram is a legendary sword from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. The design is that of Excalibur from another one of my stories, but Excalibur is becoming a cliche name, so I used Crissaegram instead.In a list
Were Martin's thoughts displayed well? Could you clearly see the Kingdom of Aquarius?
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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This was wonderful! I love fantasy (reading and writing) But sometimes it hard to find an origional story out there, though on SW I have found much originality. It takes alot of creativity and talent to create a world of your own. Having to plan out every detait. You captured this kingdom perfectly and made it real.
Martins though were dysplayed very well, I happen to like him alot, he is an amusing character.
I hope to read more soon, when I find the time, Wonderful job!
Dewbeginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Well Written
Kudos, nice job. You sure have a lot of applause. I am happy to say you deserve it. *Applauds enthusiastically* No wimpy golf claps for that good story!
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Dude, from the first few lines you can tell its Final fantasy. Great job dude!
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All done. Don't be frightened by the writhing mass of quick comments I wrote. I took the time to put those up there because I care, not because I didn't enjoy it.
g1: is there a reason you're using present tense here and past tense everywhere else?
In first person, I (this is just a personal opinion) think it's best for the speaker to act as though they are speaking. For example, would someone really just throw "beautiful" into the second sentence? My home city is beautiful, but I'd never say that unless I was specifically describing it to someone else.
I'd changed "...strange task: this was..." to "...strange task, one usually..."
I'd change "...from no apparent danger." to "...despite a lack of any apparent danger."
g2: the transition of ideas from sentence one to sentence two here needs smoothing
The penultimate sentence and the final sentence have a tense disagreement. Pen sentence is present, fin is past.
g2/3: consider adding a paragraph in between here to smooth the transition from "let's talk about me" to "let's talk about the city".
g3: going back to what I said before, would anyone actually say, "the element of water"? I guess he could be artsy, but then why is an emotionally-closed, excitement-seeker is speaking like a poet?
g4: If we find it apparent, why mention it? And I would advise against telling us about the drought thing so directly. Maybe weave it in to a convo somewhere down the line.
g4/5: this time, I would consider adding a paragraph to transition from "let's talk about the city" back to "let's talk about me"
g5: He's talking like a poet again...also, I'm wondering why him having hair dark brown and eyes a sapphire blue plays any part in his choice of dress, which is implied by the structure of that sentence.
g8: saying people don't know what happens in secluded areas is a bit redundant
g9: mentioning that the man overpowered her with superior strength is also a bit redundant
g12: based on the events in g10, if the thief fell he would have fallen on Speaker. This would make approaching somewhat unnecessary.
g15: I'm not sure "heavily graying" is legitimate. She could be "heavily gray" but since heavily doesn't have much of an adverb application (except in the case of the verb 'breathing')...
g16: it's a bit jolting that you would add humor into Speaker's character since, up until now, he's been so mechanical
g28: that doesn't necessarily mean he has to do it vigilantly. It might be better to bring up the fact he obviously completes his assignments to their fullest no matter how unpleasant with the final sentence, as opposed to reiterating a point that's already been reiterated a few time before.
g32: this paragraph is far too mechanical considering the content. I feel like Martin came out of the castle, noticed eight trained allies had been nullified, and responded with all the fear of a rock.
g34: do they seem to have animal-like builds or do they have animal-like builds? It's virtually impossible for someone to doubt what they are seeing.
g35: it's rude to say people are up to no good based on the fact they look different than you. The beings could just be there to, like, help the guards or something. Martin isn't racist, is he?
g37: the conjunction 'but' doesn't make sense in the first paragraph, since the fact that the words seem like a hiss-moan and the fact they came from everywhere all at once are not contradictory.
Spoken with my ears?
Is it possible to hear with anything but one's ears?
Except for the fact you just described it in words...
g41: g42 is technically just one thought, so it should just be "only this thought on my mind".
Now, for the wider stuff. You had a good way of keeping the plot forward, but I'm afraid you went slightly overboard. Everything was happening so fast you forgot to add much description. If you blew the first several paragraphs to smithereens and described everything as you were advancing the plot, I think the writing would be booned (not a word) greatly. This is particularly important in relation to Martin's emotions. Yes, he's emotionally-withdrawn, but we're inside his head, so that doesn't excuse the lack of response. Other than the few instances of humor, and the very last line, I felt as though Martin were completely disconnected from events. Now characters can be like that, but then you have to be sure to go into their sloth or fear or whatever it is that drives them to avoid fully interacting with life so that we understand they have a realistic psychology.
Hopefully you find some of this useful, and good job,
-Mirror
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Martin's thoughts were displayed well, he is a likeble and amusing character. The description of the Kingdom of Aquarious was good giving amzing imagery. This story has a good beginning. I really liked the line 'For the most part, they were right, but there was a part they had yet to see - a part I had even yet to see.' It got me intrigued and I wanted to learn more about Martin. However, there were a few things I noticed that could be improved;
#4 'choas' should be 'chaos'
#5 'With hair dark brown and eyes a sapphire blue, I was dressed in black, lightweight noble's pants and tunic, which for their quality were quite plain, and carrying my family sword; it was silver-bladed, with a red handguard and handle, with a ruby embedded in the pommel and middle handguard.' This sentence is far too long making it uncomfortable to read. Perhaps it could be something like 'With hair dark brown and eyes a sapphire blue, I was dressed in black, lightweight noble's pants and tunic, which for their quality were quite plain. I carried my family sword; it was silver-bladed, with a red handguard and handle, with a ruby embedded in the pommel and middle handguard.' This would perhaps help to make it flow better. Also, in this paragraph, there is repetition of the word 'embedded'. This can make the description quite irritating to read.
#10 'stubbled' should be 'stumbled'
#32 'unconcious' should be'unconscious'
#41 'eeiry' should be eerie'
But otherwise well done, it was an interesting story and I'm keen to learn where it will go.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I'm glad I got this at the first chapter
I like how it started, all the questions in the reader's head go pop pop pop pop, so I am just wanting to delve deeper into tis story! Great setting, the city sounds incredible.
Le sigh, you just intensify the beauty of the city, with an edge. It's like a beautiful jewel with a strange reflection.
You know, I don't read much fantasy, so this was quite strange for me, but I'd have to say I enjoyed the world you created. I loved the description of the queen
The italics for what he over-hears is a very clever idea, I've never seen that done before.
You portrayed the world well, and all the fantastic characters. Well done.
Oh, one more thing that it possibly the stupidest comment EVER, but I don't think the red and the blue match, for the font and background. I know that sounds silly, but I am easily put off as my vision with colour is not very good, I prefer plain backgrounds. But I like the blue, maybe just a different font colour.
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I think Martin's thoughts were displayed well and I could easily visualize the Kingdom of Aquarius.
You may have something here as far as a decent Epic Fantasy goes. I'm normally not one into this genre- because I get easily confused by things at times
However, the piece itself here held my attention well, and I found myself wanting to learn more about Martin as a character. You've done a good job at introducing him, I believe. And to write it in first person as well is good work!
I did catch a few small errors that may have not been pointed out yet.
P10:
The man stubbled back and tripped, cursing to himself.
I think it would read better if it said stumbled instead of 'stubbled'
P15:
The King's throne beside hers was empty - the king had died five years before, and the crown prince had not the experience to take the throne just yet.
crowned, not crown.
Also, I feel the wording on this sentence could be re-worked for a smoother flow, perhaps?
Maybe try this:
The King's throne beside hers was empty; he had died five years before, and the crowned prince did not have the experience to take the throne just yet.
Only a suggestion, though
Overall, I did enjoy reading this and I look forward to possibly continuing with the story
It was a nicely done introductory chapter. Good work.
~ Lady Pixie
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Many thanks for reading! I will be sure to check out these errors and edit them ASAP.
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As I am sure that most people have pointed out the grammar and punction problems (or not).
I thought to point out instead the words/phrases that make reading this chapter awkward.
Sometimes, it's hard to see where the writing needs work and it can be tiresome to have to continue to fix the chapter so, I am going to be specific.
P1:line1: ...Busy, fast paced and hazy. (the word hazy seems not to fit. I would say chaotic but you have the word coming up in the next few paragraphs; but, I would choose another word here.)
P15: Stout. makes me think of the obese king Henry the eight.
stout and regal presence. (fine and regal presence)
P16: I would changed snuffed to sniffed (sounds more ladylike).
P31: quickly gaiting: quickly walking (reads smoother)
P32: Castle's walls (castle walls) You had castles walls, it's obvious that the walls would be that of the castle. (I would either add the ' or drop the s) I would leave it as: castle walls.
P35: Abstractly to resembling (they had features resembling a man's) (that whole first sentence read awkward)
P40: I looked at my sword realizing for the first time that it was something more than an ordinary tool.
Of course, these are just suggestions that I think would make the reading smoother. If you don't agree, then by all means leave it the way it reads.
The chapter is a good beginning and reads well because, it is well written and it just needs a bit of tweaking.
The descriptions of the city were on spot. Martin's thought were displayed well, and I like the Queen's humor.
Well done. P.s: feel free to delete this comment.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I would very much say that your observations on the parts that need changes are accurate. Your time taken to review and note these is much appreciated! Thanks!
Hope you enjoy the story.
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I simply love Sir Martin's sense of humor! The way he refers to the queen regally, while at the same time being a smart alec reminds me of Martin Feeney in Bill Biersach's books. I find that sort of behavior very entertaining. But, I want to find out what these strange creatures are that are attacking sir knight. So, I will go read the next chapter!
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Interesting.
I've sort of grown cold to fantasy of late, as I've found that most of it is tripe, and even what isn't tripe is unoriginal.
I guess that's what you get for living after Tolkien, eh?
Anyhow, I thought this was well written, and intriguing enough to pull the reader in, making them question what would come next.
As far as content goes, it was, already, a little reminscent of pretty much all fantasy, but, as I stated, that really can't be helped. :]
But you pulled it off, anyhow.
The only thing I would suggest is to do some careful editing, or find someone to edit for you.
I noticed numerous mistakes in here, and, though nothing major, they were definitely enough for even I (who never edits nor really picks stuff apart) to notice.
One more thing.
You just group your dialogue together in your paragraphs, when you should be startign a new line/ paragraph each time you start a line od dialogue.
Or that's what I've been told, anyhow.
Overall, I thought you did a good job and I'll have to read the rest, eventually.
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I get what you mean. You can only make a story on a certain kind of genre so many times before it begins to bore people. I am hoping I can change that with some unexpected twists.
I was actually hoping I could Sarah to do the editing and detail, being a grammar Nazi and all. :0
Alright, I will look out for that. That is probably how it goes.
Thanks for reading.
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Ill have to read Chapter two
Well, I like there wording and the descriptions worked well, but in the beginning you jumped between describing the city, and the main character, so I would definitely try to fix that. The idea of a city the way you described it was intriguing. There were a few spelling errors, but nothing that detracted from the story. over all I found it enjoyable and will definitely read chapter two. I hope my comments were useful, and I would appreciate you reading the first chapter of my story.
beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Thank you very much for reading! Glad you enjoyed it. I plan on making this a continuing series, so if you're interested, keep checking in!
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I could see the kingdom, however
The names that Sir Martin called the Queen in his head were not needed. His feelings could have been clearly stated in the beginning. His feelings do seem to be gracious for going on the mission and yet distasteful when she seems to not acknowledge his deeds.
His thinking/feelings make it seem that he's younger than he looks in terms of mental and emotional growth. Other than that, you've created a fine world.
DarkOneShadow
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The names he calls the Queen in his head is supposed to add a humor to it. That's the beauty of first person writing. In fact, this story was made to be first person just for this particular reason!
He really is supposed to a mature-minded, but his hidden dry humor is supposed to shine through with his mental reservations. I tried to portray he is mature and strong, but also that like any human, he is annoyed by a pontificating superior. I hope you can see that was my intent, really.
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I think you have a very natural ability. You write well and the story moves along quite nicely.
That being said, there are a few places where it stumbles.
This line for instance -
"Call the guards, miss," I said to the woman, still frozen in fear. "Go!"
Is it the woman frozen in fear or the narrator?
- I find it a little confusing.
There are a few other instances as well. I'm not going to point out precisely where but I think that if you read through this you'll see what I mean.
Sorry if I seem picky. That's not really my intent. It's just that for writing as good as yours, and your wring is VERY GOOD, I'd like to see the rough patches smoothed out.
You have what it takes, don't let up.
--DDM
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Thanks for reading and commenting.
I would go and read through to find the mistakes, but for some reason, as the actual author I have trouble finding mistakes because I don't feel like running through it again.
You are right about that one line, though - it was the woman that was scared, but the way I put it was confusing.
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I really liked this story, I love stories in first person. It had great description and I am look forward to reading more!
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I am working on the next chapter already.
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Good job I like the story, reminds of Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time Series. I look forward to readin other chapters.
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Hahaha. Oddly enough, I never read the Wheel of Time series. Thanks for reading.
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oooOOOoo...it's purty, the sword. And now I can see Martin and his blade much better as the Disincarnate surround him. G
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Hahaha. Glad that's fixed, and that you liked it. I will try to write more by the end of the week.
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I loved it! Write more please! The queen cracked me up, as did her directive to make Martin hand out invites himself. I thought you did a marvelous job on the Disincarnate. Did you make that name up? It rocks. "absence rather than presence", love it. I think they stood out more than Martin did; he didn't get quite the description they did. Also, the sword, it's his family sword, but what does it look like? I did enjoy Aquarius; the all-encompassing water theme is cool.
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I did coin the name "Disincarnate", sort of. It is a word meaning "unembodied, unphysical" which fills said purpose of "absence", which I liked the meaning of and used the idea.
I agree, I was too thin in detailing Martin and his sword, so I added to that to give him a little more depth.
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