The Devil Came East - Prologue

by Geri Fitzsimmons & Andy Stephenson1

It had been a month since his last kill. The urge came creeping into his mind, causing sweat to break out above his upper lip. His tongue snaked forth to capture the moisture. He planned to leave within the week. There was no desire in him to be caught, so it was time to move on to another city—another challenge. 2

Those thoughts were for the future, he decided, today was the here and now. He swallowed the remaining drops left in the takeout cup of coffee. With a napkin, he wiped the interior and exterior of the cup before placing it in a canvas tote. The car’s upholstery still smelled of factory newness. Tapping long and manicured fingers on a leather steering wheel cover, he remembered the salesman’s expression when he paid cash for the car. 'Hey, man, I want a job like yours. What do you do for a living?’

"Hunt."3

He commenced the hunt at about two that afternoon. The predator preferred college age women for prey, so he usually did his hunting near campuses. He grinned now. My vocation.

The windows of the sliver-gray Audi were halfway down. The car was parked in the campus parking lot. A comfortable 73 degrees on a pleasant spring day, a slight breeze coming from the west played in his short spiked artificially colored salt and pepper hair.4

He waited patiently. There was a time, he recalled, when he’d been so nervous and anxious, the palms of his hands sweated as he waited. It was not that way anymore. Oh sure, each hunt was exciting, but nothing like it had been in the beginning. Now it mimicked, 'Just another day at the office.'  He smiled and winked the extra long dark lashes of his right eye. For an instant a sunbeam flashed in the windshield, and reflected itself in the ice blue irises so pale they nearly faded into the whites. ‘Killer eyes’ his mother smiled when she said it to him as a boy, but in later life he began to wonder if she knew. 5

Occasionally a person came to the parking lot, got in their car, and drove away. He saw them, often they were women, but none interested him. He waited patiently for a certain young, attractive woman. He’d known her the moment he saw her, almost two weeks ago. Always they were beautiful and petite, preferably brunette but a blonde would suffice if she were slim and nicely developed. 6

The radio dial was set to a classic rock station. He popped the tab on a Coke, took a deep drink; and then lit a Camel. The Moody Blues were playing 'Night's In White Satin' as he took a drag from his cigarette. It was a pleasant way to spend the time.7

It was near three o’clock, when he saw her. She left building C and her dark-brown hair bobbed as she pranced across the asphalt. “Yes, yes, yes,” he whispered. She was perfection. Tight faded cutoff jeans hugged her slender hips and a snug blue knit shirt emphasized her shapely breasts. As the shirt pulled up and down with her motion, he caught glimpses of lightly tanned flesh.8

She yanked open her car door and parked her delightful bottom on the seat, so he engaged the Audi’s ignition. When she settled behind the steering wheel and closed the door, he slipped the Audi into drive. When her engine coughed a bit and the wheels started to turn, he let up on the brake. She was driving some kind of white Japanese car that looked like the typical box with wheels. Her backup lights came on, and he prepared for the chase. 9

He stayed about 3/4 of a block behind her, trying to keep at least one car between them. It wouldn't do to allow her to spot the tail now. After about a fifteen-minute drive, she pulled into an apartment complex. Luck was with him; there was a parking spot on the street in front. In a few seconds he was out of the Audi and into the lot of the complex in time to see his quarry enter apartment 115 on the ground floor.10

He hurried back to his car, drove around the block and entered the lot on Northside lane. He circled around and parked close to his prey’s entrance. 3:15 pm made it the perfect time of day. The majority of people were still at work while children were prisoners of school buses. His mouth creased in a side grin. It was daylight and evil only lurks in the dark.11

Now it didn’t matter if she saw his car. He left it and walked openly to her door and rapped.12

Without any hesitation, she pulled open the unlatched door. "Yes? What can I do for you?" 13

“Southern Energy,” he said and handed her a card.14

Up close she smelled of mint and lingering lemon, perhaps from an earlier shower. There was a small brown and white terrier leaping at her side. A bigger more unruly dog would have made the man change plans. But fortunately for him this was not the barking kind of mutt; instead the little fellow licked the man’s shoe.15

With his left hand he grabbed the small dog’s collar and lifted him in the air; while the fingers of his right hand grabbed the front of the girl’s shirt, his bent knee came up into her belly shoving her back into the apartment. Stepping in quickly, he kicked the door shut behind him.16

Panic raced across the brown eyes as she squealed, “Why? What?” like it was one word.17

“Shut the fuck up!” He held the struggling mutt in the air, fighting to breathe while he shook it. “You scream and I’ll break the dog’s neck.”18

“No, please, don’t hurt him.”19

“That depends on you—little girl—depends on you.” He slurred the words suggestively. “Just how bad do you want tah live?” He let loose of the dog’s collar and the terrier fell injury-hard against the floor, yipped, and scurried under a couch. He still held the girl’s shirt. An easy hundred pounds heavier, he twisted the shirt and pulled her closer. His free hand grabbed the back of her head twisting his fingers in her hair. “You and me gonna party, babe. You play real sweet and we’ll all walk away in one piece.”20

He yanked her around to face the front door. “Lock it!”21

As trembling fingers tried to turn the lock, the golden brown eyes flooded with tears and she choked on the sobs in her throat.22

“Lock it, bitch!” He yanked so hard on her hair that her scalp split in places so blood tinted her hair green. His other hand pulled her shirt up to cover her mouth and muffle her scream of pain. “Shut up and lock it!”23

Her tone dropped into a pitiful wail, “I’m trying.” and she succeeded.24

He glanced around the apartment, breathed in the feminine scent of her as he held her tight in one arm while he sucked at her neck. “Gonna play real nice.” He spotted the door on the left. Ajar, he could see the pattern of rose and gold that winked at him from the bedspread. “Nothing like an afternoon rump in the sack.” A deep snicker followed a coarse laugh.25

The injured pup moaned under the couch as the man dragged its owner, her feet barely touching the ground, to the bedroom. Tossing her on the bed face up, he yanked off her shoes and socks. Then pulled the stretchy top over her head. “Nice.” He paused to squeeze her breasts through the pink lacy bra.26

“Please don’t hurt me,” she begged.27

“Little girl, I’m gonna give you the screwing of your life.” He laughed and slapped her face so hard her head whipped back and forth twice, and she nearly passed out. Next he pulled off her jeans and ran his palms up the smooth silky flesh of her legs. He pinched her inner thighs to force her legs apart. Grabbing the crotch of the pink panties, he tore them off. 28

Then he undressed while he kept telling her the things he was going to do to her, as if he expected her to be grateful.29

For less than half an hour, his hands and mouth abused her. He forced her to kiss him back, to respond and then he violated her. 30

Swinging off the bed, his hand swept the nightstand and scattered her silly knickknacks to the floor. She lay silently huddled in a fetal curve on the bed as he dressed. Taking her wallet from the dresser, he relieved it of the credit cards and fifty-three dollars in cash. Pulling the cord from the lamp he stepped back to hover over her again. She whimpered—it was all she could do. Her throat had closed up and her tears were spent.31

“Tell yah what. You been a good girl—so I’m not gonna hurt yah. I’m gonna tie you up and put you and your little doggie in the closet. I won’t tie you tight. You can get loose in an hour or so. First, off, you give me the pin numbers for these.” He waved the credit cards in front of her eyes. “Don’t lie—cause I’m giving myself an hour. One don’t work, I’ll be back and you are gonna be one sorry bitch!”32

“123me works for them all,” she forced out the information.33

“Okay, roll over.” 34

She never saw the switchblade. He held her face in a pillow, her arms flailed helplessly until there was no strength left and the blood still flowed from a dozen wounds.35

When he was certain she was dead, he took her engagement ring from her finger. From the living room he confiscated the 28-inch flat screen TV and deposited it in the Audi’s trunk. He came back for the stereo and laptop. “So long pup,” he called to the mutt still hidden somewhere.36

Out of the glove compartment, he got dark glasses and a baseball cap for his sojourns through the ATM machines. The women never lied to him. Her bank debit, MC, Amex, and Visa cards should net him around a couple thousand or more.37

Author notes

Photo from Met-art.com

"Magical flying Pigs"

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 42 of 42

  • Tawnis gold member
    November 16
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Kari kept going on about how good this novel is, so I figured I'd come and chack it out for myself. Usually I don't really get into the darker kind of stories, but I really liked this one. A+ all the way, I'll definatly read more when I find the time.
    I always try to say something constructive and since I didn't find any errors, I'll talk about this. Paragrah 23: "He yanked so hard on her hair that her scalp split in places so blood tinted her hair turned green." I don't know if it's just me or not but it took me a few times of reading over this line to get what you mean. It's gramatically correct and everything, but the wording is a little confusing.


    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 16
      ?
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Tawnis!

      Thanks for checking out this story and for commenting and all the applause. Geri and I appreciate it. We hope you do enjoy it. It takes a dramatic shift in Chapter One. I think it will surprise you.

      I agree, I believe that sentence is grammatically correct, but that it could be improved. I'll probably try to change it up some when we're polishing it for the second draft or sooner. I'm a little fuzzy at the moment.

      Andy

  • O.O

    I don;t usly like crime books...but your little blurb caught my attention...I LOVED IT...vry good, not to graphic with the rape yet satisfying...very well writtin and thought out. Can't WAIT to read more lol.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      August 18
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Karissa!

      Thanks for trying out this story. You'll find a significant change in pace and mood in chapter one. I think you'll like our novel.

      We're very happy that you like this. Geri does wonders with this novel.

      Andy

  • Ooooh.
    And I mean that like "Wow."
    That was SCARY. And I don't say that too often. Gave me chills. Creeped me out. That's like, everyone's worst nightmare, because it's realistic. It could happen.
    Excellent.

    • Hi Coquette!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      I've got a habit of writing killers and this one is one of my favorites. You'll find the next chapters, if you choose to continue the story, are an interesting contrast to the prologue. We're very glad you like this.

      Andy

      • Thanks for thanking me. :] That's very thoughtful of you. And I am giving credit where credit is due: you're both amazing writers!

        I will definitely continue reading!

  • by Geri Fitzsimmons & Anonymized. Cute. The story, however, is far from it.

    I'm not going chapter by chapter on this one, it's solid start to finish. The mind of a psychopath, without cold, without apathy, is nicely portrayed. I even felt for the girl. My only trip up were Chapters 29 and 30: the total gloss-over, in tune with the American media: blood and gore is fine, but sex a no-no. The flow suffers for it. Also, some minor cliche passages, but that's about it. The rest is all kudos.

    Dw

    • Hi DW!

      The system has been modified to anonymize the entrant's name any place it may appear. That's the reason it's Gerifitzsimmons & Anonymized.

      I'm glad you like this story. Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause.

      Andy

  • Wow

    That was thrilling and yet creepy at the same time. I felt a little scared and that's what a story should do. Awesome!

    • Hi!

    • Hi!

      We're very glad that you've started our story. We're happy you've found it thrilling and hope you'll continue to the end.

      Thanks for reading us. Let us know if you have suggestions or find a mistake.

      Andy


  • tonialoise
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    I've already read an earlier copy of this, but still I felt bad about not leaving a comment.

    “Lock it bitch!” there should be a comma before "bitch." Though there's no pause one is customary before directly addressing a person, even if it's an insult to that person.

    Other than that it looks very clean. Nice job.

    Unfortunately from the contest point of view, there were only a couple mentions of scents, nothing that effected the plot much.

    • Hi Toni!

      I really shouldn't have entered my stories. I knew they were pretty weak. I wish I'd had time to write a fresh story for you. I could have done much better.

      Thanks for putting up with me anyway.

      Andy


  • tsh369 gold member
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this guy is...scary just doesn't cut it. I didn't lift my eyes off the page until the end. For some reason I thought he was going to let her live, stupid huh? I knew what he was, I knew what he was going to do, but I couldn't keep from hoping. He has absolutly no fear of capture, even sticks around to lift some items, big items. Damn that gave me the chills. (goes and locks the door)
    The only part that tripped me up was the 'bank debit MC card' at the end, just a thought, 'bank debit card' or even 'debit card' (that's what I call mine) different parts of the country, world = different names.

    I'm headed to chapter one. Great Job!!!

    Th.

    • Hi Tammy!

      I like killers, at least in my writing I do. Quite a few killers have slipped out in the pages of my stories. I've killed a few men and a whole lot of young women in epidemic proportions. The nice thing is that it hasn't actually affected the world's population.

      As a daylight crime, he went unnoticed. People pay little attention to what seems like ordinary activity. The young woman was more likely to accept the killer and let him inside, and people less likely to be disturb by an odd noise. It was a perfect time for the crime.

      I went to the bottom of the story to see what the problem with her credit cards might be, nasty things those. I couldn't determine if she was current in her accounts, but I believe I fixed the other problem.

      Thanks a bunch for reading us.

      Andy

  • Beautifully written! Your dark descriptions sent chills up my spine.
    Thanks for entering in my contest.

    • Hi!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      'Just another day's work' for our killer. A rather uncommon vocation, it's probably a good thing that there aren't more people specializing in it.

      Andy


  • Wickedruby1 gold member
    April 6

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    This is one bad boy,he makes me have cold chills and want to look under the bed before I go to sleep, I understand there will be more, I sure will look for it.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Hi Ms. Ruby!

      Did you get your order worked out?

      We're actually nearing the end of the first draft of this novel. Under the title, 'The Devil Came East', is the second draft. The first draft is under the titles, Secret Radio Murders, Silent Radio Murders, and SR Murders.

      If you look beneath this story, you'll find the links to the list with all the chapters of the second draft and a link to the list of the first draft, and you'll also find the link to the 'next in list'.

      The 'next in list' will take you to the next chapter of the second draft, but it's not functioning at the end of the list to take you to the link of the list to the first draft for some reason. You have to open the link on the left, The Devil Came East, to get to that link, Secret Radio Murders.

      Thanks very much for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it.

      Andy


  • bowmore bill
    March 31

    Edit | Reply

    attention holding.

    You cold very well be right about the devil came east Andy, i really enjoyed the prolouge. Have to say though, i already hate the character, just let me get at him.
    Will be starting ch1 shortly.

    • Hi!

      We're very pleased that you've started our novel. I hope that it keeps you involved to the end. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it.

      Andy


  • sberendt gold member
    March 25

    Edit | Reply
    VERY disturbing, , but an interesting read. Like several others who have already commented, I'm hooked! I'll try to make a point to read any other installments for this novel. Great Job you two!

    • Hi Sberendt!

      We're very pleased to have you aboard. Hope that you enjoy the ride.

      Underneath the each part of the novel you'll find a link to the list of all the segments we've completed and a link to the next segment. You can use these to navigate to the different parts of the novel. Here is the link to the main list:

      http://storywrite.com/list/36716-The-Devil-Came-East

      Thank so much for reading us, for commenting, and for all the applause. We greatly appreciate it.

      Andy


  • ElfSong
    March 25

    Edit | Reply
    Very, very creepy. You guys took on the tone of the serial killer/rapist with ease, made it sound realistic, and ended up with this great prologue

    What Audi model is it? =D

    para 5:

    "short spiked artificially colored salt and pepper hair." this is a bit wordy =) Either way, you need commas

    para 6:

    "extra long dark lashes " this description is totally unnecessary, but it too, would love some commas

    para 7:

    "He saw them[;] often they were women"

    "...preferably brunette[,] but a..."

    "Tight[,] faded[,] cutoff jeans "


    10:

    "...parked her delightful bottom on the seat[.] [He] engaged the Audi’s ignition. " It's a somewhat unclear how the two relate to each other, although a second reading did this justice.

    para something:

    "...head[,] twisting his fingers... "

    "Her tone dropped into a pitiful wail[.] “I’m trying.” [And] she succeeded""

    "feminine scent of her[,] as he held her tight in one arm[,] while he sucked at her neck"

    Great job with this. It's not an original idea, but you gave it your own special touch. It's very engaging, keeping me on the edge of my seat the whole time.

    Nice job! =)

    • Hi!

      As you saw in chapter one, the story takes quite a different turn beginning there. The prologue was mainly an attention getter. The killer in this story is a very slippery fellow.

      Thanks for reading us, for pointing out our mistakes, and for applauding. We appreciate it.

      Andy


  • Horanzu
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    Ooooo...slightly disturbing but very good. You have me completely hooked. Very good. I've already read the next bit, and I thought that was amazing. Amazingness seems to come naturally for you two.

    Hope this gets published - I will buy it!

    xxx

    • Hi Horanzu!

      I'm glad we've got you hooked. I think you'll be entertained throughout.

      That list I sent will take you to all the chapters we have of the second draft. Should you come to the end of those, I'll give you the link to the first draft and you can continue from there. Most of the novel is completed.

      Andy


  • Tricia3 gold member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    I know I read this and thought I commented. It disappeared. Anyway, you have me hooked. I am just so far behind in reading, When I get a little caught up, I will sit and read the entire novel in one night. That's the only way I can truly enjoy a good book.
    Trish

    • Hi Trish, fooled you did we

      I think you read my copy of the prologue under a different name . Sometimes that happens when two writers are 'conspirering'

      Andy is posting the second draft so you won't find too many goofs, and it should be easier to read.

      Geri

    • Hi Trish!

      I'm going to be posting this a chapter at a time in 'Novels Only Please'. It will be around for quite a while.

      I used to read novels in one shot, but that was years ago. I do a lot of reading, now, but it's mostly short stories.

      I'm glad that you like what you read of our novel.

      Andy


  • Cajun.Lullaby
    February 13

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm. This is interesting, truly. In fact, it reminded me of the works of Jeffery Deaver, particularly his antagonist in The Bone Collector, the sexual interests of your antagonist notwithstanding.

    I'm assuming this man to be a serial rapist. You have all the right ideas; a particular type of girl, certain age, certain hair color, certain build. This is something that the authorities look for so that they can establish a pattern and be one step ahead of the suspect.

    Parts that I found a little unrealisitic you can take with a grain of salt. I study criminal justice so I analyze these things more severely than a normal reader.

    First of all, your antagonist's appearance. I would notice someone like that very quickly. The expensive car, the hair, the manicured hands, the blue eyes and long lashes. He would stand out. He doesn't meet the traditional M.O. for a serial killer - if you're curious, the M.O. to a serial killer is as follows: white male, age 25-35, dark hair, works a job that requires minimal social interaction but high attention to detail, typically looks like your "Average Joe", probably has a hard time making/keeping friends, etc. In short - nothing hugely special, nothing to make them stand out.

    As for his mentallity, you hit it right on the money. Rapists truly believe that their victims WANT their "affections."

    Second was the girl's reaction. I agree that with someone like this, his cocky confidence can be intimidating, but as a woman, if I was going to die anyway, I'd be beating the living hell out of my attacker in an attempt to get away, Heaven forbid you touch my dog (not that my K9-trained Rottweiler would have let him touch me anyway) I think the girl could put up a better fight.

    One question I had: when he pulled on her hair and tugged so hard it tore at her scalp in places, wouldn't it have turned her hair red - not green? Just a thought.

    Other than that this is an AWESOME prologue. It draws the reader in and leaves them begging for more. Keep up the great work. I look forward to the next chapter.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      February 13
      Edit | Reply

      Hi!

      Thanks so very much for your comments. I'm rather busy now, so I'll respond to your other comments later.

      You'll find later that our killer changes his appearance, his M. O., and locations to avoid capture.

      I agree, the hair color with blood on it would probably not be green, and I'll likely change that. It would probably appear only a little darker, especially with dark hair.

      Thanks again. I'm very pleased to have your imput in our story. It's very helpful.

      Andy

      • Cajun.Lullaby
        February 13
        Edit | Reply
        You're welcome. I'm being a little brief in my comments now as I go through the chapters. I will leave a comment for each one with the thoughts that first come to mind, but I will message you with one critique for the whole story with any scientific or legal thoughts that occur to me.


  • iliad
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    Cool. The pacing for this piece was really excellent; certainly something that reminded me of a Jeffrey Deaver. Your use of dialogue was very realistic, and in my head I could actually, quite easily see this playing out. You never stayed in any one place too long, which gave the story a very easy going flow. All the mechanics for this story are really, really good.

    My problem is that I don't think this idea is very original. There are any number of murder mysteries I could pick up that would begin in exactly the same way. I would like to see something that I have never seen before, and so for this contest, even though outside of the contest I really like this piece, this is not what I was looking for. I am sorry to say that. If you could, please put your inspiration for this idea in your author's notes. Nice work.

    Thank you for entering my contest.

    -iliad-

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      January 22
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Iliad!

      Sorry that this doesn't really fit your contest. I should have probably entered something different.

      I've written a lot of stories that begin like this one, I don't really know where they come from beyond my own dark fantasies. Should you read on in this collaborative novel, I think you'll find it quite different in some ways as the killer mutates when he moves to New York City. Even so, it is a basic cop and criminal story.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. We're glad you like this prologue.

      Andy


  • Fiddlewilly
    January 19
    Edit | Reply

    This is great!

    I hope they're not all this good. It will be impossible to judge.

    beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      January 19
      Edit | Reply

      Hi there!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I do, of course, hope that this one is the best.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Andy, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It's practically faultless. You gripped my attention from the opening line (which doesn't usually happen as my mind tends to wander). The tension and suspense throughout was terrific. I'm a very cynical reader, but not this time. Your descriptions of the poor young girl were really, really good. Now, this is what I like to read!! Below are a few suggestions.

    2nd paragraph - Shouldn't it be - Tapping long, manicured fingers = and later in same sentence - shouldn't it be - he remembered the salesman's expression when he paid for the car in cash. (Maybe it's just the 'difference' in dialogue from country-to-country).

    I just love paragraph 6! I think you should write this sentence like this - 'Killer eyes.' His mother smiled whenever she said those words to him as a boy and in later life he began to wonder if she knew. (Just a suggestion). I just loved that sentence!

    Oddly enough, I have written a story a long time ago based on NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN which is also a thriller-murder type, but that's besides the point. Once again, well done to both of you! I'm sure this is going to be a brilliant book!

    Regards
    Bernice

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Bernice

      I like your suggestions and may incorporate them. Thanks very much for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it. If you want to follow this story, there are links directly underneath the chapters, 'The Devil Came East' and 'Next in list'. The first link will take you to the list page showing all the chapters. The second link takes you to the next chapter in the list, or if it's a different sort of list, it will take you to the next piece.

      Andy


  • Fizbop
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i really like this not sure what your intending on doig it but ya'lls collaboration always seems to work out very well

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      October 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Neal

      This is the second draft of Secret Radio Murders. We've changed the title. We're try to get it ready to publish. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.

      How are you today?

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