The Thing About Love - Pt. 5

It's been a while since I last wrote in this sort of blog novel story. And a lot has happened. To shorten things in a nutshell, Genevieve and Leigh broke up; Leigh and I are friends again; Genevieve is now with this girl named Lauri. (I guess she has a thing for dating girls with L names.)1

However, I am both happy and sad to report that Genevieve is out of my life forever. I'd like to have say it was because she died, and not because I'm mean, but because it'd just be so much simpler. Of course, in a way, she did. She died at my hands, of my own fault. Friday afternoon, I finally came to the conclusion that it had been me who had turned around and bound her down in chains. It was me who had caused her to treat me so. I had pushed her over the edge, taught her to hate me, made her become so sick of me that she was ready to kill me just to push me away. And why? Because I was trying to be too close. I was cutting in on her personal space. In the end, it was truly all because of me. I once told Genevieve I would only pull her down with me -she should have listened.2

It's funny the way life turns out sometimes, how behind a reason for doing something that appears so fucking selfish is really a reason that actually appears more...philanthropic. A person looks as if to be doing something for themselves, trying so hard to care about their own feelings, and yet...behind it all? The concerns of another. While no one is ever truly selfless, I don't believe everyone is ever as selfish as we think.3

High school is sometimes the worst years for people. It's the years in which all they are is an emotion train wreck. It's the years in which they just can't seem to keep their friends. It's the years in which they realize life in itself is where you make your heaven and your hell. Well, those are my years. And so far, I'm only making it hell.4

I'm still making mistakes, I'm still doing stupid shit, and I'm still just a great big mess-up. I'm holding on too tight to things I should have just let go, and I'm letting go things I should have held on tight to. In a way, it's best Genevieve and I aren't friends anymore; it's best our lives have separated from here on out for the rest of our days. Truth be told, should we ever get the chance to make things right again? I doubt it could ever be done in my high school years. I refuse to keep throwing away chances to the wind. Genevieve and I...we were never a good couple, and we were never a good set of friends. So the way things are now? Though they might have ended badly, it's best. Like Leigh once said, things always stay over if they end in anger, hate, and spite. And she's completely and totally right.5

Of course, I don't wish Genevieve misfortune. She deserves better than me as a friend, and she deserves better than most things she accepts, she really does. I feel great pity on her sometimes; for anyone really who doesn't see the great things they were meant for, that just take the bottom of the ladder things. But as long as she's happy...there's really not much a person can do, can they? And as for me? Well, I'm just trying to change and be better again. Until that happens, I deserve nothing.6

I don't care about the future, because what good is it if I can hardly focus on today? Life is the way it is, and things just happen. We can't change it, and we sure as hell can't make things the way we want them. Sometimes, we just have to follow along and accept things as they come. That's really all there is to it. As a famous person once said, "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but rather by the number of moments that take our breath away."