Anna finished lighting the candles in the window and looked out at the night moodily. She couldn't feel any connection to this new house and neighbourhood. She had lived at her old house for over a decade and it had hardly been new when they bought it. She'd always felt safe there, surrounded by people and presences. But this new house was so... empty. It really was new, built on land that nothing but squirrels had lived on before and she found herself feeling alone.1
It hardly helped that she knew no one in this neighbourhood. All of her friends were across town and her best friend had moved to a different city entirely. And because the house was so new, barely anyone knew it was even there. She'd waited with a huge bowl of candy but only a few people had come by her door the entire night.2
She turned back to look at her family. Her father was planted on the couch, watching TV and her mother was curled up beside him. Her little brother was still out with his friends.3
Walking to the kitchen island, she dug up a candle to take to her room. Lighting it and placing it on her bedside table, she picked up her book and continued reading where she last left off.4
Later, when the candle had burned down and everyone had headed to sleep, she whispered to herself, "Well, I guess that was it this year. Hopefully next year will be more exciting. Happy Halloween."5
Anna blew out the candle.
Author notes
My first halloween in the new house was actually very like this. I felt so lost, like there wasn't really a point to doing anything.
A contest entry
- Samhain....or Halloween? by MoonRoseWolf.
170 points, ended November 3, 2008, 5 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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You have amazing flow, babe! Bummer bout your halloween though!! But heck, you got a great story out of it!!
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this is true.
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aw...that sucks...halloween is supposed to be special...my fave holiday...hope your future ones are much much better
great writing job, though...like how the background matches the mood of the story! -
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I think it's the cost of growing up really...
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Sad, but enjoyable
Although sad in a way, I still enjoyed this little tale.
The idea of beginning and ending with candles is good. The lighting of the candle at the beginning signifying hope and happiness; the blowing out of the candle at the end signifying sadness.
A few suggestions for your consideration:
p1 - nobody but squirrels - as squirrels are not people may I suggest - nothing but squirrels
p2 - 'town' appears twice in the same sentence which, to me anyway, is too close together. I would suggest something as follows:
All her friends lived across town and her best companion had moved completely away from the area.
p4 - As the rest of the story is delivered in the past tense, I would like to suggest you change this para to conform with the rest of the story. My suggestion is something like this:
She walked to the kitchen island and picked up a candle. She took it to her room, lit it and placed it on her bedside table. She opened a book and began to read.
It may also help if, with a story written like this, you give the main character a name. This gives more scope with word selection; for example, in the re-written para above I have only written three sentences but because the character is nameless, I have had to begin each sentence with 'She'. If a name had been used then 'she' would not be so repetitive.
All in all A good little tale
Lawrie
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Thank you for the review. I'll change some of that stuff.
(although I'd like to point out that paragraph four *is* in past tense and that the caracter *does* have a name. It's the first word in the story.)
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The story was fine, but...
this paragraph really grated. "Walking to the kitchen island, she dug up a candle to take to her room. Lighting it and placing it on her bedside table, she picked up her book and continued reading where she last left off."
Now, I know that ladies are supposed to be wonderful at multi-tasking, but this is ridiculous. I know what you mean, but you've written the rest of the piece in the past tense; this is a mixture of tenses, but the way you structured it, it would appear she did all these things simultaneously. For some reason, this kind of structure seems very popular at the moment, like a fashion craze, and the sooner it goes out of fashion, the better. It's sloppy, careless and extremely bad English. All right, so I live in the UK, and we have a different approach to how the language should be used. And yes, I'm being pedantic. But it's such a shame to ruin an otherwise reasonable piece by inserting this kind of nonsense. If you don't understand my objections, IM me, and I'll be happy to show in detail what I mean, O
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This was good, I have felt this way before, not exactly but quite similar, I love your writing style too... These bits need fixing up though...
1) Anna finished lighting the candles in the window and looked out at the night moodily. (Capitial) >She couldn't feel any connection to this new house and neighbourhood.
2)But this new house was so...empty.< (after..._there is a space like this ... emtpy > not ...empty)
3) She turned back to look at her family. Her father was planted on the couch, watching tv, >tv is usually TV whe writen
But apart from this, it was relly good, and i love the twist at the end!!!
Well Done
~cat
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I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Thank you for the critique, I'll fix those bits.
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I enjoyed this, it was a nice snapshot into an ordinary Halloween, very different from the sort of thing I usually find myself reading, which is nice. (:
I felt that more syntax manipulation would be beneficial to this piece, as the sentences were, mostly, constructed in a similar way it gave a feeling of repetition. I feel that if there was more variety it would increase the interest of the piece and give it a bit more flair, it might be something worth thinking about (:
I thought that you could have focused more on the emotions of the protagonist. It was implied but ,personally, I wasn't sure it went into enough depth. Maybe some more characterisation would add another dimension to the piece?
Overall, I really did enjoy this, it was well-written (:
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*reads*
wow, I didn't even notice it before but you're right. The sentences are all the same length!!!
I shall have to come up with some way to fix that.
I agree with you it needs some depth. I wrote it in a hurry and it's on my list of fics to rewrite because I think it needs to be extended and fleshed out.
Thank you so much for the critique.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
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Overall Good
I admire your writing style. Absent of a few grammar issues, a well written piece. Grammar is like riding a bicycle, once you learn you will never forget, be ENCOURAGED.
Sabbay
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Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
If you get some time, could you maybe point out where you saw the issues? I'm horrible at vetting my own work.
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This is a great stand-alone piece!
Great analogy of using the candle to symbolize the beginning and the end of something, let alone your written piece. It's funny how the candle metaphor can instantly represent the protagonists mood; but it's fantastic how you allow actions to speak louder than words.
Also excellent use of the candy in the bowl almost being untouched and left alone... as it represented the isolation of the character and even her surroundings.
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thanks. I'm glad you like it.
Personally I feel it's a bit too hurried...I may extend the end a bit.
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This was a really lovely little short story, as you had a lot of emotion packed into a few words, which conveyed the feeling really well.
There were a few spelling errors, but nothing I'm going to shoot you over
There is one tiny thing....I'm going to leave your entry in as I don't seem to have many takers on this one, but it wasn't really what I was looking for-'So, for this contest I would like your opinion of Wicca-sort of halloweeny, witches and the like.
I am going to be very loose on how this will be written. You DON'T have to be Wiccan! I want everyone's thoughts on it, as a re-rising pagan religion in today's modern culture.'
Overall though, it was a great little piece, and I also know what you feel like, I've had quite a few halloweens like that as well Well done!
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yeah, I'm sorry..I meant this story to go in a completely different direction than it did. If you want, I'll take it out.
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No,no, it's fine, I can see where you were going with this, trust me, I've had some much more ambiguous ones in the contest
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Very Sad:
Frack will this damn thing stop with the suggestions! "Point out your favorite and least favorite parts".. "Try ... [][]" GAH!
sorry. I'll reread this and email you instead. -
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why does your comment not show up on storywrite?
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Glitch perhaps?
I made the comment while on AllPoetry. Regardless. Your actual comment is in your email inbox.
I need a non-flashy interface when musing over things I care about. It's why I often prefer regular paper and pencil than the computer... It's something that works, doesn't take any thought by inundating my with a complex interface and nothing pops up on me like allpoetry's/Storywrites version of clippy suggesting I write a suicide note instead.
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