Dead Inside

11:00 AM, September 24, 20031

The sound of silence threatened to shatter me like dry ice. A tear slipped down my cheek, followed by another, and another, soaking my pillow. Cradling myself like some hospitalized mental patient, I told myself fiercely that Jack Daniels - my best friend - was okay. His mother had just called me an hour ago, sobbing into the phone that Jack had tried to hang himself downstairs in the basement while she was watching TV with her husband. The rope had snapped, causing Jack to crash onto the floor. All of a sudden I could picture Jack; handsome, blonde, sweet-as-a-teddy-bear Jack alone in the cold dark basement, his head in his hands, not thinking clearly about what he was doing or the people he would hurt when he died. All too vividly I remembered Jack lying beside me in the backyard last summer, wearing a sky-blue T-shirt the same color of his eyes, smiling as my arms wrapped around his broad shoulders and told him how much I loved him. Was it possible that he had been keeping secrets from me? Underneath that bubbly, clownish grin was a young man beaten down and lonely. Why would someone as well-liked as Jack take his life? It just didn't make any sense...2

"You know Jack has been taking pills." Mom was standing in the doorway, still in her apron with the hot chili peppers on it and ladybug oven mitts. "He wasn't sleeping much, honey. Alice said the doctor recommended Prozac for the clinical depression...he has become dangerously addicted to them."3

"Is he going to be okay?" I wiped tears from my eyes, refusing to use the word SUICIDE that crawled into my brain like an insect. No, he hadn't meant to try to kill himself; he just wasn't thinking clearly. That can happen to a person who suffers with depression as much as Jack.4

"Alice is taking care of him now", mom said quietly. "I know this is a difficult thing to talk about, Tara."5

"He's going to be okay. That's all that matters, isn't it?"6

"Yes, Jack is a strong boy, always was. Want to come downstairs and have some green tea with me?"7

"Sorry, mom." I picked up the large bright pink elephant Jack had won for me at a county fair. "I need to be alone now."8

"Ok."9

She shut the door, leaving me alone with the soft pink elephant that stilled smelled of cotton candy and Jack's cologne. 10

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{Three Days Later...}12


SUICIDE DEATH RAGE SADNESS HOPELESS MEANINGLESS POINTLESS FEAR LONELINESS HATE HURT PAIN BOTTLED UP INSIDE HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME CONFUSION COLD HIDING CRYING WISHING EVERYTHING WAS JUST A DREAM.13

These were all the words that had been in my brain since the day Jack killed himself. The only suicide in our school had been a fifteen-year old girl named Clarissa Tompkins, who had hung herself with a dog leash because a boy she liked spread all these nasty rumours about her being a fat slut on myspace. I still remembered the day: kids whispering, the principal with his sickly white face, teachers clustered together with their heads bowed, mumbling amongst themselves. Today was just like that only worse. The announcement in the gymnasium continued to haunt me throughout the rest of the day:14

"On Sunday afternoon we lost one of our finest, most popular, friendliest students here at Raven Creek High School. Jack Daniels took his life on Sunday, and to many whose lives this has affected I urge you all to be strong. We will forever remember Jack as a fine, handsome boy whom Tara Cassidy described as 'an angel from heaven'..."15


"Oh, Tara, I'm so sorry for what happened." 16

"He was a beautiful person, both inside and out."17

"The world fell in love with Jack Daniels. He will be greatly missed, I assure you. God is watching him now."18

Every comforting word only constricted my heart more tightly, threatening to destroy me. The school day just stretched on without end, people giving me heartfelt apologizes and sniffling nods, their hands patting my shoulder, pulling me into weeping embraces. I guess everything just seemed so SURREAL - like how could I accept the fact that Jack, my best friend, chemistry partner, and all over sweetheart - was never going to hang out with me again? He was just GONE. Poof. Turned into fairy dust and disappeared in the soft summer breeze, his soul gone somewhere far away where I couldn't follow. It just wasn't fair. At first I was just so angry that he had left me here to rot, selfishly killing himself to get away from me and the burden of life that had become too heavy to carry. All that was left of my best friend was a glossy scrapbook we had made together, full of photos of him and I clowning around, his thick, gold blonde hair paired with mirrored sunglasses making him the coolest, cutest guy a girl could ask for. 19


"Are you going to be alright, Tara?" Back at home, mom was mixing up cookie dough, her eyes fixated on the way I dragged my feet up the staircase. "Can I get you anything?"20

"I'm dead inside", I told her in a whisper, the scrapbook tucked under my arm. 21

"Try to remember the good times, darling...Jack wouldn't want you to feel like this."22

"You don't know what Jack wanted me to feel", I told her angrily, and carried on upstairs. 23

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