Through the haze of my open mind I looked unblinkingly through the window which was amazingly a view to the sea. In the distance Snow capped mountains covered in soft Grey and white clouds which merely seemed to pass through that beautiful vista. Pulling my gaze closer I could see her. Red haired and wearing a long blue black flowing gown, pleats in the skirt and an open back on it. Slender but not thin, Her hair falling in waves down her back and blowing slightly in what must have been a very chilly breeze. Leafs of parchment clutched in her hand the pieces were falling slowly and drifting along the white colored beach. A small sandbar is where she stood.1
I brushed my own hair out of my face and continued to watch her just to see what she would do. There were small pieces of beach grass under her dress this I knew from having walked the same path she was now treading. The moon hanging low in the sky and the stars seemed pinned on. I zoomed my gaze in for just a brief moment to read the words on the paper she had just dropped. "Am I too lost to be saved?" The parchment read. I ached for her, wondering the same thing often in my own life. I saw her as I would watch anything beautiful and saw the scene play out before my eyes. Her body began to turn into a form of mist, dissipating within moments until nothing was left but the bits of paper all over the beach. Muttering to myself I arose and walked out onto the back porch, bare footed and in nothing but a thin silk robe. As I got close to each piece of paper they dissapeared into thin air. Not a wisp of ink was left. Until I got to the last piece. The piece that had said, "Am I too lost to be saved?" At the bottom scrawled in a blood red color was the most painful thing I've ever read. Nothing but a simple word that read, "yes." I knew then that she had dissapeared into the sea never to be seen again by human eyes.2
The small self reflection that came out of the small trip I took traveling on another plane was more than I could bear. I pulled back into myself and awoke slowly and carefully. I breathed deeply bringing myself completely back and then with a steady hand pulled my arm up to look at myself and the bit of parchment still attached to my hand. It was blood soaked and I noticed the blood was mine.3
Self Reflection is what defines me. I am too lost to be saved. Let it be.4
Am I Too Lost To be Saved?
Comments
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It is not so much that the sentences need simplifying, it's that you on occasion use words which are excessive in their context. For example you talk about the view from the window which 'amazingly lead to a view of the sea', but there is nothing amazing about a view of the sea. There are a few non-sequeters, for example, you talk about 'zooming in' to read the paper. How exactly? It's fine to have fantastical elements, but don't endow your protagonist with super-human strengths, it will be more effective without this.
Also, instead of saying things like "what must have been a chilly wind" which TELLS the reader, why not SHOW the reader by describing her reaction to the temperature.
Have you considered changing the perspective to third person? There isn't particularly much merit for this piece to be in first person and third person would allow you to describe the girls feelings (which you do quite a lot) without having to conive to do so. This would also allow you to describe the piece of paper without having to struggle.
You do have some skill with language, but pay close attention to the technical aspects, way each and every word and discard any that does not specifically aid or change the sentence.
Hope this helps. -
There are some grammatical errors (commas, tenses, etc.) and I think it could flow better. Maybe you could simplify the sentences. It kind of seems like you use too many words to say what needs to be said. You paint the scene well, though. I can see what you're describing very well. There's good emotion in this. With editing this could be really great and could convey the massage you're trying to get across better.
Good job! -
Wow, very vivid descriptions. Written very well.
I don't think anyone is to lost to be saved as long as they are willing to be saved.
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Intresting!!!
i don't know what was in your mnd when you wrote this.real concept is bit confusing
but you hooked me , its an intresting piece and well discriptive too. you have potential
keep writting and smiling too
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The best part about this piece is the continuing theme from beginning to end -- the title, which is repeated more than once in the story. You are very good at description and emotion; the story made me feel a sad beyond sadness, almost a despair. You do need work on grammar, but it would be very annoying of me to go and edit the entire story. Good writing trumps good grammar anyways! Please keep writing!
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