I HATE BABIES!1
I hate babies. I hate all of them. They squirm and squeal and scream blue murder. Not to mention they poop ALL the time (believe me, they do) and they smell. A lot. It's disgusting, really. Though none of my parents will admit it.
I expressed this to mum over breakfast. She didn't appear to be listenning. What a surprised. She just carried on feeding my excruciatingly annoying new baby sister Sarah. I'm sure that was a delight, as Sarah was butt-naked and flashing herself all over the place, kicking her bright pink legs about hapharzardly. And she was red in the face from yelling her head off. Nice.
Mum however, acted as if nothing of this sort was going on and that everything was normal.
"You know, she's really not that bad" she said. "All babies are a handful sometimes, Candice, but you'll get used to her in a while. Won't she, my little sunshine?" Mum started cooing at baby from hell, chucking her under her chubby chin. Urgh. I hate it when Mum goes all gooey like that. Get used to her? Me? As if! Fat chance!
You see, Mum doesn't really understand me very well. It's quite saddenning. She adores kids. Simply adores them. I don't like them. She's the type of person who's always smiling, always laughing, going 'ooooh' and 'aaaah' at baby clothes in Mothercare window displays for AGES and etc. etc. Definitely NOT my idea of a good time. I keep things normal around here, i like to think. Before Mum does crazy things. Like have another baby, for instance. Why oh why did she have to go and decide to become a mother again? I should think that me and my older brother ar enough to cope with at the moment. Especially my older brother.
And, it get's worse. Becaus of my mum's obvious fascination with kids, my family is as follows; older brother Mark, 16, Royal Pain in the Bum. Thinks he's a hero, but he really, really isn't. Next, there's my 2 half-sisters, Clara (12) and Claudia (14). Yeah, I know. Awful names, awful personalities, awful looks (though their dad thinks they are heavenly). They are blonde, blue-eyed and busty with a HUGE tendency to show off at every chance they get. Euch.
Then there's me. Candice Lewis. 13 years old, Head of the Year 9 IT group and completely obsessed with elephants. No, I am not joking. They are my favourite animals and my passion. I collect them. I have about 28 now. Maybe more. Maths isn't my strong point so I've never been bothered to count them up. I usually get my best friend, Jean, to do my maths homework for me. She is a whizz at everything. Well, nearly everything. She's a bit on the big side and isn't very good at PE. But my other best friend, Joanne, is a sports legend and Kelly Holmes-style all-winning athlete. The only thing she isn't good at it Science.
So, family is pretty packed, and, if I must say, rather strange (sorry, Mum, Dad) already. But now there's Sarah. She may seem cute, all dark curls and big dark eyes, but is far from it. She has the lungs of a lion and a roar ike one too. 4:30am she started screaming, would you believe it! No wonder I'm flaming tired. And my hair's all sticking up at the back. Thank God it's not a school day, or there would be big trouble.
I reached across the table for some toast that had just come out of the toaster, trying to ignore my mum's obvious disinterest in my points of view, and was about to pick it up when this great big shadow thing came out of nowhere and took it instead. Was it a bat? Or a bird? I knew there was a bird box outside the attic, but...oh no, it's not a bat or a bird. It's my older brother, Mark. The one I told you about. The Pain in the Bum. I was furious. He was always doing stuff like that. Swooping in out of thin air.
"Morning, little sis" he said, grinning wickedly at me from across the table. I knew that look. It meant he had some devious plan in action ready to get me. He began buttering the nicked toast, first a layer of Flora Light Margarine (Mum insists we buy low fat stuff now) followed by a layer of blackcurrant jam - no, sorry, two layers - and then chopped strawberries on top. Ewwwwwwwwwww! How can he eat that? I gave him my best sarcastic I - know - what - you're - up - to smile and reached for a banana from the fruit bowl instead. Remind me to get my revenge later.
Just at that moment, Dad walked in al sleepy in his ridiculous tartan PJ's and a worn-out old navy dressing-gown. He was clutching the Sunday Mirror and shufflinf along in his slippers. He gave Mum a kiss on the cheek. Then he sat down next to me, opposite Mark. Result! That'll show him. Dad is ALWAYS on my side with everything. He thinks Mark is a Royal Pain in the Bum as well. At least we have something in common, apart from looks.
The post flopped on the doormat in the hallway, and, as usual, I shot up like I'd been electrocuted to fetch it. Bills, bills, more bills, a circus advert, more bills, a couple of postcards for Mark...and then I came to a dark blue envelope with my name on it. Yes, there it was:2
Candice Lewis3
My heart thumped. Or rather, is stopped for about three seconds and then started thumping. Could it be...? But no-one ever wrote to me! And after all this time, too! I took the post into the kitchen, chucking the boring stuff onto the table and keeping my own letter safely hidden from view in my hand, which I'd strategically placed behind my back so no-one would see. Hopefully. I waited until everyone was busy with their own things, and then a ripped off the top of the envelope and pulled out the piece of paper inside. YESSSSSSSSSS! Just what I was hoping it would be! A note from my all-time crush and school Mr. Popular Cool Guy at last. And he wanted to take me to the cinema on Friday night! I could barely contain my excitement. I finally had a date! I couldn't wait to tell Jean and Joanne about this. They would be green with envy. Nothing can burst my bubble of happiness. Lalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - !
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I forgot, something can burst my bubble of happiness. And it's just started screaming it's head off for no apparent reason. Why does she have to be so loud and noisy? She must have been a dragon or something in the past life. My baby sister Sarah, supposedly the Angel of Perfection from the Skies of Heaven. She has no concern for my feelings. Poooooooh! Why does she have to spoil everything? In my moment of uncontrollable anger, I inwardly screamed, SHUT UP, SARAH, CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS ON MY MIND! I didn't say this out loud of course, as a) Mum would get cross with me for yelling at the breakfast table, and
Mark would make some sarcastic remark and make me even more angry. So, i contented myself to stomping my right foot on the kitchen tiles and then stomping off upstairs. I threw myself on my bed when I got to my room, and shoved the note under my pillow. No-one (Mum and Dad) would find it there. Unless they came snooping, which they won't because I have a password-operated alarm system on my door now. I bought it from the Science fair in school this Summer, after Mark had broken into my room and read my diary. Only I know the password, and it will stay that way until I decide otherwise. Burrying my head firmly in my elephant-embroidered pillow, I shouted into the baby blue cloth,4
"I HATE BABIES!"5
Still Sunday, October 15th
WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?6
Ok, it's official. I have a MAJOR dilemma on my hands. I mean, seriously major dilemma. What am I going to do? I can't be in two places at once. Can I? No, I can't. But obviously, my parents think I can.
Yeah, you're probably a little bit confused by all this stuff. I haven't told you the seriously major problem yet. So I will. You see, I have fancied Sean Carter for like, ages and ages. He is my One and Only, my shining star, my One True Love, etc. Anyone who's anyone (plus Jean and Joanne) look at Sean Carter and immediately have a IJFIL attack. For the people who don't know this stuff, an IJFIL attack is an I've Just Fallen In Love attack. You know, when you just look at someone and you get this swirly feeling in your head and your legs go like jelly and start shaking. You know what I mean. Anyway, as I was saying, I have had a huge crush on Sean since forever and he has finally asked me on a date. I got a note from him this morning. Well, of course, you know that. And I was over the moon. Full of excitement. Positively ecstatic that the world's most Gorgeous Guy had wanted to go out with me and not anyone else.
But, things aren't what they seem. I have hit a glitch in my plans. A very big glitch. Just when I thought my life was finally going right for once, and I had almost very nearly forgotten about Sarah Baby Brat and everything, my Mum and Dad made an announcement.
"We have a surprise for you two" Dad had said, his smile splitting his face in half. Oh God, I thought immediately, it's going to be something extremely embarassing or humiliating. Mum saw my face.
"No, I really think you'll love it" she'd said. I knew that look in her eyes. They were all happy and sparkly. Oh God. Then Dad started talking again.
"We know you must be really bored having to stay in the house all holidays" he said. "So, on Friday morning, we're taking a drive up to Porthmadoc in Wales to stay in a caravan for a few days!" Dad announced it as if it were the best thing in the world. I just sat there in complete disbelief.
"Fr-riday?" I spluttered. "Why Friday?" I couldn't believe it. Noooo! I couldn't go on my date with Sean! It was all a waste of paper and ink!
"We thought you would be glad, especially you, Candice" he said. I just stared at him.
"Glad? You just ruined what was going to be the only brilliant day of this year! Do you realise how long I've been waiting to go on a date with Sean Carter?" I said, using my hands for emphasis. Dad looked startled. Mark sniggered from across the table. I glared at him.
"Can't you schedule this, erm, date for another night?" he asked me, sounding reluctant. I knew he was embarassed talking about this stuff with me.
"No" I said firmly. "I haven't got his number. I've got to go or he'll think I stood him up" I added on, trying to make my voice sound straight to the point and obvious.
"But we've booked it all" Mum chipped in. "We can't cancel the reservation now. It's all paid for". Damn. I hate it when she does that. Why are my parents so against me? I thought they'd be glad I had a chance to go out and be social with other people. It's soooo not fair. They just won't listen to reaosn, will they? Fine. If they won't listen to reason, I will show them reason. I jumped up from the table.
"I'm not going. I can't do two things at once, and I choose going to the cinema with Sean" I announced, before pushing my chair away and flouncing off into the living room, switching the TV on and playing MTV full blast. I racked my brains for a decent plan of action. How can I convince them that I am damn sure not going on this caravan trip to Porthmadoc. Wherever that is. I know it's somewhere in Wales but I'm not very good at Geography either so I never look at maps and stuff. God, life is so frustrating. Arrggghhhh! What am I going to do? Why, at the last minute, why did my parents have to choose Friday for this caravan trip? Why? Why not tomorrow? Or Tuesday? I just have one more question; WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?7
Still Sunday, October 15th
MY BRAIN IS USELESS8
I have tried all night to come up with a plan to stop myself from going in a caravan on Friday. And guess what? No such luck. Nada. Nothing at all whatsoever. I rang Jean after dinner. She didn't have a clue either. I've forced my brain into override with thinking. I haven't got a rat's chance in a rattrap of getting anywhere with my Cinema/Caravan problem. Hmmmm. I think I will have some chocolate to try and get my brain working properly again.
Five minutes later and I've eaten the chocolate, but no ideas have come to me. I thought chocolate was supposed to help your concentration. Ha! I've just proved that theory wrong. Oh Blimey O'Reilly, I'm soooo thirsty. I can't be bothered to go down into the kitchen for a drink. I don't want to, anyway. I sighed. Is life always this difficult? Is that what my parents are trying to tell me? Well, I'm receiving you loud and clear, Mum and Dad. I get the message. First you bomb me with a baby sister who is always in a bad mood, and then you carefully and wickedly plan a flaming caravan trip to Wales on exactly the same day that I just happen to be going on a date. Fantastic. Thakns, folks. Whas it really worht it to go that far because I hate babies? I think not.
I do know one thing, though, and that is, MY BRAIN IS USELESS. 9
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