The Wooden Tomb

Missing image

Themba wondered why the other children were so cruel.  Just for a lark, at dusk, Fulathela, Gebhuza, Gazini and Hlengiwe quietly snuck into his family hut and wrestled him to the ground. They covered his mouth and carried him out before the rest of his family could tell that he had been abducted.1

The sun had just disappeared behind the distant hills of the KwaZulu Natal plains and there was still some light left to see where the boys were taking him. Carrying him like a flimsy tree trunk, the sixteen and seventeen year old Zulu youth – all warriors – easily handled the younger Themba. He could smell their dusty sweat and could sense their excitement, all at his expense. What are they planning?2

The boys were running with their captive, and Themba could see that their intent was to take him past the small hill near their village, and out of everyone’s sight. He struggled again for he now feared for his life.3

“Do not squirm so, Themba,” Hlengiwe said, the eldest and leader of the group. “For if you do, you will suffer.” The tall, slim warrior was good at forming a stern face when it suited him, and on this occasion it was fierce, almost demonic.4

The captive had little opportunity to respond, as Gazini kept his hand tightly clamped over Themba’s mouth, not even providing him the opportunity to bite. He did stop struggling, however, as there was a glimmer of hope if Hlengiwe offered the choice between ‘suffering’ versus, presumably, ‘non-suffering’. But he still wondered, what are they planning for me?5

As the last vestiges of sunlight dissipated from the land, Themba saw that the four warriors were taking him to the largest and oldest of the boabab trees in the region. It was called the Wooden Tomb, as it had a hollow going so far back in time it was central in his people's legends; and when a villager died, his or her body was interred inside the tree. A door was fashioned a thousand years before and it was often repaired or replaced. It had fasteners attached to the boabab to ensure that creatures would not come into the tomb and desecrate the corpses, and the women of the village whispered that it also stopped the restless spirits from leaving the tree to try to complete some unfinished business…6

Themba couldn’t believe he was really headed for the Wooden Tomb, and so he hopefully imagined that the boys were headed for some other destination near the ancient tree. As their course continued toward the bulbous giant, he started to experience fear that he never thought was possible. This was not a worry that he was going to be roughed up in some childish prank; it was fear of the place of death; it was horror.7

The boys stopped and dropped their burden before the Wooden Tomb’s door. Themba landed heavily, but found he was now able to speak… or cry out for help.8

“Do not think they can hear you,” Hlengiwe stated, reading the young boy’s mind. “And if you try, you will regret it.” He again had that ferocious look about him.9

“W.. what are you doing?” Themba whimpered. “Have I done something to make you angry?"10

Fulathela, who never spoke much, and had even less brains, laughed. “Look, he is about to cry like a woman! What chance has he to become a warrior?”11

Hlengiwe held his hand up, to silence him. “You may be right, but our test will make sure.” He then turned to Themba, who was still lying in the dirt. “You will spend the night in the Wooden Tomb, and if you walk out in the morning with a brave face, you can join our group. If you emerge as a frightened child, you will become our slave.”12

Themba realised he had no choice but to endure what was in store for him. The warrior spirit was a strong ethic instilled in the boys of the village and he couldn’t face being called a child, when he was so close to his initiation ceremony. He displayed the emotionless face of the Zulu warrior. “I will face the dead with bravery and return with pride.”13

Hlengiwe laughed. “We shall see.” He pointed to Gebhuza and Gazini and they opened the door, allowing Hlengiwe and Fulathela to unceremoniously dump him into the hollow of the boabab.14

The door was shut very quickly and Themba could hear its four straps being wound on their fasteners. It was already dark outside, and he saw nothing but blackness when he was pushed into the massive cavity. He lay on the ground, hearing his breath come out in rapid cycles, the fear of the unknown turning his body ice cold. He was only a few feet away from the door, and he had no idea how far away he was from the remains of hundreds of years of dead villagers, and his own ancestors.15

He did smell them though.16

He lay on the floor, frozen in abject fear. He couldn’t move a muscle and he controlled his breathing so that it slowed to a crawl, in order to reduce his movements further. There was an overpowering musky smell, almost sweet, but it was associated with decay, like the mould on a dead tree. There seemed to be a coolness as well, but it wasn’t comforting like being in shade and a comforting breeze wispily blowing by; it was like Death’s home.17

He waited. He didn’t know for how long, and it seemed agonizingly long, but he did not move an inch. He was starting to shiver.18

A hollow voice came from the darkness ahead of him, sounding as if it originated only a few feet ahead of him. “Who are you, child?”19

Themba nearly jumped out of his skin. “I, I am Themba.”20

The voice, still faint and airy, as if it was caught on the wind, responded. “A good name. It means ‘trust’. I like it.”21

“Who… who are you?”22

“Never mind; at least for the while,” the disembodied voice replied. “I want you to do something for me.”23

“What…?”24

“I want you to gather the bones and what is left of the bodies here and carry them for me to the far end of this tomb."25

Themba couldn’t imagine anything more repulsive. He shook his head.26

The voice grew in volume and it’s tone was grave. “Listen, Themba. If you stay where you are you will die. Either the cold of the dead will seep into your bones and cause your heart to give way, or you will walk out into the sun tomorrow morning and die of shame. Do what I ask and you will live.”27

Themba heard the truth in those words and got to his feet. He could feel the ache of the clingy cold of the Wooden Tomb.28

The voice continued. “Open your eyes – tune them to this world of the dead.”29

Themba concentrated, and slowly, but surely, he was able to see what it looked like inside the tree. It astounded him and terrified him at the same time. Based on the size of the tree from the outside, he expected enough room inside to be much like a small hut; but it was huge – it had the width of a hut, but it stretched back for hundreds of yards, and he could faintly make out hills, trees and a river beyond. However, just before him was a semi-circle of bones and desiccated corpses, some grinning as if there was some secret joke among them, others looking like they were agonizingly reaching out for some object.30

The voice echoed in his ears again, but Themba could not work out where it came from. “Boy, pick up these bones and take them to the river and lay them on its bank. Every single piece. Do this and you will not die.”31

Themba obeyed, and after a score of journeys, he laid the last set of bones on the river bank.32

“Good work, Themba,” came the voice. Suddenly a group of bones gathered together and transformed into a whole man, of about sixty years. He had the look of the people of his tribe. “I am Qinisela."33

Themba fell before his feet in supplication. “I am honoured. Is there anything else I can do for you?”34

The old man laughed. “You already have. A mortal is needed to move the remains beyond the boabab, to make room for the new dead, and more importantly, to allow us to pass to the land beyond – here. You have enabled me, and my kin to move on…” He swept his hand around him and the bones and corpses were replaced with villagers, many of whom he knew before they had died. “Now go, Themba, for it is morning, and your father will be opening the door to the Wooden Tomb.”35

Themba now started to understand why he was abducted.36

Qinisela raised his hand before the young boy could speak. “Yes, Themba, your father knew that you were taken to the tree. It was planned. For some, the blessed, entering the boabab tree and helping the ancestors to journey to their final resting place, is their rite of passage to become a warrior.”  The old man smiled, and for Themba his face then seemed somehow familiar.  "Yes, grandson, indeed, you have proven yourself; you have done a worthy deed!"37

Author notes

rissoto

why in TB's contest? - why gold? - 'cause this is my latest story and I believe I improve with practice

I consider this story one of my gems because it has the fantasy element, which I love, but I have placed it in an unusual setting, and covered a theme that is also unusual for me - rite of passage.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 39 of 39
  • Yeshua
    December 23, 2008
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    Thank you for entering "The Wooden Tomb" in "My Little Gem" and making it a fun contest for everyone. Due to an inundation of contest entries I will not be able to give an extensive comment on every entry. Good luck in all of your writing endevors.

    God Bless,
    Yeshua

  • comatose princess
    November 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This was very nicely written and it seemed that you really care about the topic. I liked the concept a lot and you drew me in from the first sentence. Your writing is very sophisticated. Well done.


  • Veritaserum
    November 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Nicely Told...

    I don't know much about African rites of passage, but this story seems very believable in how it is presented. I like how you took the time (obviously) to find real tribal names to use, (or at least it seems like you did), along with other descriptions that make this story believable.

    I thought it flowed well, and the pacing was good also. It kept me engaged and reading till the end to find out what happens. (I don't always finish stories, especially if I lose interest, just so you know.)

    I'm just glad I'm not in such a tribe however, for handling corpses and fleshy bones is not something I think I could stand! Heh. (I have no fear of death, however...I get creeped out by the physical remains of the dead.)

    The way you end this ties up the tale very nicely I think.

    Very nice job!

  • WriteGuy
    November 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    GREAT JOB

    descriptive i felt like you kept true to the story all the way through. good writing ill have too read your other stories



    gotta love that emoticon

    . Rewarded 4

  • DarkDayMagic
    November 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This was very good.

    I really like your use of description and the easy way that this story moved along.

    . Rewarded 4

  • tallblondie
    October 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Another fantastic read! I loved how you combined anthropology (the rite of passage) with an engaging tale. The prose in this piece was clear and atmospheric, and the theme well approached and treated with respect.

    Thank you for your entry in Share the Spoils.

  • Anaya Roma
    October 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    TAKE A WELL DESERVED BOW!

    This was quite wonderful! Gary Alexander was absolutely right in recommending it! Thank you for an interesting read. I am glad the story had a happy ending and I am glad Themba was able to overcome his fears.
    Thank you again,
    Anaya Roma

    . Rewarded 4


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    October 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm....I'm uhhh


    WOW

  • Zapuruxo
    October 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I am very impressed

    with your writing style. Your language choice was wonderful and flowed smoothly.

    I was strongly reminded near the end of an old children's story I once read, called Moonstones. In the beginning of the book, a boy becomes trapped in a ravine filled with sparkling stones. A silver fox appears to the boy, and in exchange for some food, tells him that he must get out before sunrise, or the glare from the rocks will blind him. The fox then shows the boy how to get out of the ravine.

    The ending surprised me, and althogether I very much enjoyed the story. Keep up the good work!

    . Rewarded 8

    • gezza
      October 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for your kind words. That children's story sounds wonderful... I will have to chase it up some time.

      thanks again

      Gezza

  • Valkyrie
    October 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my goodness! This was a terrific story! Somehow I assumed from the beginning that the kidnapping was in fact his rite of passage.
    I loved how there was an entire world inside the tree. Very animistic.
    And the name, Themba, awesome. I could tell you chose authentic names for this story and I appreciated the research you did to make the world more alive and realistic.
    "Bulbous giant" was particularly creative in its imagery.
    On more of a line by line:
    p4 tall and slim - I'm not sure that "and" helps there; a comma would seem to suit better
    P7 "he started to experience fear that he never thought was possible. This was not a worry that he was going to be roughed up in some childish prank, nor that he was going to be tortured for some unknown transgression; it was fear of the place of death; it was horror." I really have to say this feels a bit heavy on the explanation; it sounds just a bit repetitive.
    P17 you've got two consecutive sentences starting with "There was"
    P26 "to do" isn't actually necessary, and seems to detract from the power of your sentence
    P29 it = singular while eyes = plural
    also "and I mean" seems unnecessary
    P30 what it looked like in the tree - maybe, "what the tree looked like inside"?
    P30 for some object - all the reaching ones are reaching for the same object? or just...reaching out with an arm? It seems like you're going for that "Nooooo!" reach, a fear of death type thing...maybe if you replaced "for some object" with "out"?
    p31 lie them = lay them
    p37 I'd suggest moving the "then" in the sentence beginning "the old man" from its current location to right between "face" and "seemed"
    Really, really an awesome tale. You truly evoked Africa for me, in both myth and reality, with this piece, and I'm so pleased to have gotten to read it. I've not read anything like it here on SW.

    • gezza
      October 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Val

      As usual, you squeeze the best out of us. I will look at your edit-comments soon.

      cheers

      G

      • Valkyrie
        October 25, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Naturally, gezza, I prefer to squeeze out the best...and drink it in the shade with a long curly straw and some clinky ice cubes!

  • robh20854
    October 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    loved it

    Held together very well. Well visualized

  • robh20854
    October 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Held together very well. Well visualized.

  • happywanderer2
    October 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi:
    I really liked this story. It had an authentic feel and I like the rhythmn of the language.

    Really consider the comments by others about altering the dialect.

    paragraph #6, 1st sentenct- '...the last vestiges of sunlight permeated the land...' I had a hard time imagining fading sunlight permeating anything.

    paragraph #15 1st sentence- its not it's

    HW2

    . Rewarded 6

    • gezza
      October 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for your comments. No matter what I do, I will always have a typo or the like stuck in there (it's) - this is coming from someone who used to be a professional editor!

      Thanks for pointing out the "vestiges" phrase - I was always uncomfortable about it but probably got lazy about it.

      dialect - I will look at it. This is a little subjective, because I challenge who actually knows what dialect should "simulate" an English translation of a Zulu speaking. Nevertheless, appreciate the comments because it allows me to look at it with more discipline.

      cheers

      G

      • happywanderer2
        October 25, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        I know how you feel about the typo. I think it is a common problem; it happens to me all the time with reports and papers. It never fails, no matter how hard you proof read and how often, something always slips through.

        I look forward to your next story!

  • Bernice DeLucchi
    October 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Being from South Africa, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It was interesting and well written. However, I do have a teeny-weeny problem - that being, to the best of my knowledge there are no Zulus living in Zimbabwe; in fact they reside in KwaZulu Natal in South Africa. The tribes in Zim are the Shona and the Matabele. But nonetheless, a good story.
    Regards
    Bernice

    • gezza
      October 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Bernice

      I was going to set this fantasy piece in South Africa, but when I looked up Zulu in a few sources on the Internet (which I admit, isn't necessarily super-authoritative), they did state there was a small Zulu presence in Zimbabwe. But don't get me wrong - I am hardly in a good position to be sure, or to be in your advantageous situation.

      cheers

      G

  • WritersEffigy Greeters member
    October 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It reads like a quest in some video game. Which is nice!

  • ParamoreRose
    October 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I loved it. It is such a good story. The part about her being forced to be buried in a tomb is awesome. I can see how she would react about the part of her coming out and being a slave. Bravo! Fanito!

    . Rewarded 4

  • coy1117
    October 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    BRAVO

    i like you. you should join my club. i cant tell you what it is. you have to find it!

  • Shikasgirl
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very good starting sentence. It has me hooked.

    “For if you do, you will suffer.” I can see the dialect you're doing here. I think it would sound just a bit better if you said, "If you do, you shall suffer." Just a thought, though. If you feel it's more your style to keep it how it is, keep it how it is. It's good your way too.

    p17: mould = mold

    I liked this story. The end was happy. The motive for Themba's abduuction wa explained, and it was very sweet. I liked how you made the dialect suit the story, I don't see a huge variaty of dialect on this site. That was an awesome story, well done.

    • gezza
      October 22, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your kind words - i can see where you are coming from with your suggestion, i suppose I was trying to add a dialectic difference to give it an african feel. Will think about that one.

      Regarding "mould" - that's just me being Australian - that is how we spell it down-under, as well as in Britain I believe.

      cheers and thanks again

      • Shikasgirl
        October 22, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Oh, well that's interesting. mould is a cool way of spelling mold. lol.


  • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hmm.

    p13 what was in (store) for him.

    p37 (rite) of passage

    This is an interesting story. The way it begins it seems like some sort of a teenage prank. It ends being the ceremorial rite of becoming a warrior and the passage of the dead to the next life. It is something that I'd not like to go through.

    Andy

    • gezza
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      appreciate your comments and editing. cheers

  • Gary Alexander
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    IT CAME TO ME...IT'S A QUESTION OF INVERSION!

    The story is written so well...the plot and voice is perfect...and when the spirit addresses "grandson," commending him for his good work I felt the thrill of the curtain falling. But you continued...and explained. Something, I thought was wrong here. But, I reasoned, one HAD to be informed of what the rationale behind all of this was. So?
    Then it came to me. YOU HAVE INVERTED the last few paragraphs! The explanation SHOULD come, yes...but THEN...AS all becomes clear, THEN...the voice says: "Yes, Grandson, indeed, you have proven yourself; you have done a worthy job!" The end!
    The other way, I felt was (characteristically...(you seem to like to do this)anticlimactic!
    Really, Gerry.
    Otherwise.................I loved it! All of it! (It's just in the wrong order at the end! Ask someone you love and trust!
    GA

    • gezza
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Gary, you are a good friend indeed. Your realisation didn't even occur to me. I do this sometimes, in the heat of getting the proverbial pen on paper (sounds better than fingers on keyboard). So it is excellent indeed to get your message. I will work on it almost immediately.

      cheers and thanks

      Gezza

  • ainshbu
    October 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is really cool. i love the heritage behind the plot. the older boys were mean but it was probably something they had to go through too. it was a very interesting rights of passage.

    . Rewarded 4

  • TwilightTimelord
    October 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    that was amazing! How did you think up those names? they were awesome. Yeah...loved it!!

    • gezza
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I didn't invent the names - I looked up Zulu names on the Net and chose the ones I liked best! Basically, a bit of research. Thanks for reading it!

  • Shimmerfairy
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Amazingly well wrote

    I love how descriptive your work is and you obviously have researched a little in african traditions and beliefs.

    You certainly give a sense of the reader already knowing the characters as well thoroughout the story, even though not much is mentioned about their backgrounds.

    Great imagery and a great read!

    . Rewarded 6

    • gezza
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your nice response

  • WillowHart
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very well written!

    This story is very touching and well written - I enjoyed it immensely. I particularly enjoyed reading your dsescription of the Wooden Tomb - like Death's home. Very imaginative ideas, well played out, very intriguing piece indeed! And in such a remote setting, too. Well done!

    Your characters were very believable, I must add. You obviously have a strong sense of feeling and appropriateness to the setting of the story.

    • gezza
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your kind words. If interested, my recent story Mariposa, is also in a remote setting!

1 - 39 of 39