Jessie looked towards the nightstand, the black rose with red velvet ribbon lay silently over the ever ticking, clock; a conundrum of sorts, one was living yet silent, the other inanimate, yet loud.1
"You don't like the black do you?" Jack asked coming from the shower in nothing but a towel.2
"I like it...it's just...well...not my favorite" Jess replied.3
Jack dropped the towel and joined her on the bed, the rose was soon forgotten.
A contest entry
- Follow direction by Reaver.
700 points, ended October 23, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Remove the comma after ticking. It might be grammatically correct there, but when you read it, it just creates an unnecessary pause. You need a comma after Favorite in three.
Really great writing! A charming love scene. Thanks for entering!
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I again disagree with the grammar suggestions in the previous comment. The - is overused these days.
Great job and best of luck to you as my competition!
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I think that the comma before "clock" could be thrown out. The semicolan you used in the first sentence would serve your sentence better if it were a " - ". Consider revising the part after the semicolan.
the rest isnt bad though.
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