All Because of Faith (Ch. 6)

CHAPTER SIX1

I did not sleep that night, and the next day I refused to go into work. I needed to battle my demons without the Office Nuts on my back. I knew that first I needed to see Jonathan. He was working on site that day so at 11:30 I drove down to Fredonia to invite him to lunch. I found him in the contract trailer on the phone with his construction manager, he looked mad.2

When I walked through the door he hurried the call and hung up with a scowl I had never seen before. Something told me the phone call wasn’t the reason.3

“What do you want Jenna?” Ouch! 4

“I guess I deserve that.” I said, “Look, B, I’m sorry.”5

“For what? Possibly because you bit my head off for trying to help you, or for storming out on me in the middle of dinner? Or could it possibly be because you have forgotten that I have feelings and concentrated on being pitiful and sending everyone on a guilt trip for the last two weeks?”6

“Everything?” This wasn’t how I had expected our meeting to go. “Can we go out to lunch and discuss this?”7

“I’ve already ordered lunch,” Damn! “But you’re welcome to stay and join me.” 8

“I would prefer not to have other people around for this.”9

“There won’t be, I ordered in because I needed to think.” Jonathan turned and sat down at his desk. He motioned for me to take a seat as he unwrapped a small fast food feast. We ate in silence for a few minutes before he spoke up.10

“Did you have a particular reason for coming here?” 11

I put down the fry in my hand. I had suddenly lost my appetite, “Yes.”12

“Well, are you going to tell me? Or do I have to guess at a game of charades?”13

“I might want to tell you if you quite treating me like one of your employees. Look, John, yeh, I made a mistake, a big one. But, damn it, I am trying to fix it!”14

“How do you expect me to act, Jen?” John replied, “How do I compete with a dead man?”15

“Compete?”16

“You are acting like Matthew was the living end and making me look like a heel while you’re at it. I cannot be in competition with a memory!”17

“Since when am I a competition?”18

“I don’t mean that the way it sounds–”19

“I know how it was meant.” I put my hands in Jonathan’s open ones and kissed his knuckle. “John-John, You don’t have to compete with anybody!”20

“The hell I don’t! Jenna, Guys are always after you! They always have been–”21

“But, have I ever let these guys get to me? I don’t want anyone else. I don’t think I ever did”22

“You sure as hell wanted Matthew Hart” He mumbled letting go of my hands and walking to the other side of the room.23

“No, not the same way I want you.”24

“What’s the difference?”25

“Are you serious? B, Matt was very special to me, I can not deny that. He was a wonderful , gentle, loving man that would have given me the world on a silver platter, had that been what I wanted,” I got up and walked to his side. “I didn’t want the world, though. I didn’t want the country club wedding and the ten bridesmaids. I didn’t want an article in the paper about my engagement.”26

“What do you want then?”27

“I want picnics at a secret cove and flowers for no reason. I want a quiet country life with a good husband. I want you!”28

“Why do you want me? Because your first choice is dead?”29

“I am going to ignore that and how much it pissed me off. You know me. You know that I had a horrible childhood and that I am horrible at H-O-R-S-E. You know that for my twelfth birthday my friends made me a Jerry Springer tape in our garage and that I used to fall asleep in the bath tub every morning.” He turned and looked down at me.30

“Jen, do you love me?”31

“What?”32

“Do you...love me?”33

I was speechless. How do you answer a question like that? I mean Matt is still fresh on my mind and he’s asking me the one question that I am scared to answer.34

“Jonathan–”35

“It’s a simple enough question,” He snapped. If he only knew...36

“Look, Matthew is still warm in his coffin, I can’t answer a question like that right now!”37

“Why not? Because you always wanted Matthew and I was just the rebound guy?”38

“Now you know that’s not true!”39

“No I don’t, I think it is true,” Jonathan said.40

“How can you stand there and tell me how I’m feeling? You don’t know me at all–”41

“Now you’re contradicting yourself.”42

“How?”43

“No more than ten minutes ago you stood there and said I knew you better than Matthew.”44

“Ye-, I jus-...I didn’t mean you knew how I was feeling! You can’t have any idea what’s going through my mind right now.”45

“Oh yeh? Why not?”46

“Because I don’t even know! Don’t you think that this is difficult for me! I just lost Matthew and here you are taking all this crap from me and all you want in return is my love.” I stopped and wiped away the tears that had begun to fall. “The truth is, B, I don’t know if I can love you, that hurts so much because I want to be able to.”47

“Then why can’t you?”48

“Because I don’t want to lose you, too! I feel more when I’m with you than I felt at all in the three years I spent with Matty. That scares me so much and if this is the kind of pain I would have to go through after losing you, I don’t want to risk it.”49

“Are you serious?”50

“What do you mean ‘am I serious’ I wouldn’t be here otherwise”51

“Jenna! You cannot control who lives and dies! None of us can, that doesn’t mean you lock yourself away and miss out on the good things.” H e closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. I felt safer than I had in weeks in that moment that he held me so close.52

“I don’t want to hurt anymore, B, please don’t hurt me.”53

He cupped my face in his hands and stared down at me. “I never ever want to bring you anything but love and happiness, just like you’ve brought to me.”54

“How can you say–”55

“Just stop. Stop thinking everything so wrong when it’s never been so right. Stop hating yourself for things you have no control over...Just let yourself be happy for once. Will that kill you? Now answer my question, Jenna.”56

“Which one?”57

“Tell me, do you love me?” 58

“Yes...I do.” I didn’t mind this time that I couldn’t hold back the tears, I had bottled up so many feelings for so long that I think I deserved a few good cries.59

“That’s good to hear, because I love you, too” John leaned down and kissed me. I had never felt better than this.60

“So Jen, what now?” I was sitting in front Oo-La-La having an espresso with a girl friend from high school who shared my coffee addiction, Scarlett Horne.61

“Huh?” I said turning to look at her, “Sorry, I was thinking about Jonathan.”62

“I thought so, that’s why I asked.”63

“Asked what?”64

Scarlett just rolled her eyes and for a minute I didn’t think she would answer me. “What are you doing about John? I mean, are you going to ride this out or leave him?”65

“I’m going to ride it out, I guess. I don’t feel like I have much choice anyway.”66

“You have a choice.”67

“Yeh, be with him and make him miserable, or leave him and be miserable.”68

“You won’t make him miserable, shut up!”69

“Uh-huh, says the one who couldn’t stand my existence for two years.”70

“Oh my God! Can we move past seventh grade for just five minutes and work on you and Jonathan.”71

“Sorry, I’m just in one of those moods,” I said sipping my luke-warm espresso.72

“Well, get out of it! I am not in the mood for a guilt trip from you, I’m not wearing the right shoes.”73

“Sorry, I love Jonathan. It’s as plain and simple as that, I just don’t want to hurt him.”74

Scarlett reached across the table and squeezed my wrist, “Who says you could ever hurt him more than you are right now?”75

“I don’t want to do that anymore–”76

“Then don’t! Stop agonizing over something this simple and move on with your life. You are about to graduate from college and your last year is bound to be just as hellish as the last five. If you go back to school worrying like this it will only make you do poorly.”77

“Talk about sugar coating Scarlett, don’t hold anything back.”78

“I never have. Your problem is you worry about nothing! You love Jonathan, we all see it, so be happy and don’t be scared over nothing. This is actually getting kind of old.”79

“I know, and I know y’all are all getting aggravated with me. I just have to get out of this frump and everything will be fine, Scar, just give me a couple of days to chew on it and everything will be back to normal.”80

“I’ll give you a couple of minutes and then I’m gonna throw this Espresso on your brand new stilettoes.”81

“Okay, okay...I’m through feeling sorry for myself. Just pity my shoes! I have to have these for dinner with John tomorrow night. He’s making me dinner.”82

“See, why can’t all guys be as sweet as him?” Scarlett reached over and popped the side of my head.83

“Ouch! What was that for?”84

“For finding an incredible man and then putting him through T-Total hell! Only you would be so inconsiderate.”85

“Gee, thanks, I feel so much better knowing I’m self-centered.”86

“Those are your words, not mine.”87

“Is that what you think, though?” Scarlett never answered my question, I was a big enough person to know that I did have a selfish spot, as much as I hated to admit it.88