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Cara tried to catch Laura's eye but after Laura got the note she shredded it in tiny little pieces, her hands shaking and her heart breaking into pieces; she stared at the slideshow of French verbs afraid to repeat the rumors she had started, for fear Cara would figure out how Laura's words had incited the whispering girls on her other side to abandon Cara, and sever Laura's last tie to her old friend.2
"I can't stand the silence anymore- just tell me what I did to make them so mad at me," Cara begged , stains of black sorrow spilling down her cheeks.3
"But I don't want to hurt you," Laura said clearly , although she knew in her gut that it was a lame excuse since she already had and that it was she who had done the most damage.4
The bell rang and a group of giggling girls 'accidentally' hit Cara, although at this stage in high school Laura knew all too well that there were no accidents.5
Author notes
I hope this is ok. The last line is two lines but so was your examples so i kinda guessed that thats what you meant. If I need to go back an edit I'd be happy too.
A contest entry
- Follow direction by Stryke.
700 points, ended October 23, 2008, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I thought the first sentence was a bit long winded, though grammatically fine. it just didn't flow very well. And as for your AN, the last sentence was just to be a simple sentence, line count didn't matter so yours was fine.
For the story, it was great for the teen genre
Best of luck to you and thanks for entering.
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The first sentence was way too long. Just try to break it up into shorter ones, either with full stops, commas or semi-colons and if that doesn't work just begin a new sentence.
Besides that, I think this has the makings of really good story about the traumas of high school.
Well done
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I agree and would except the contest rules are the reason that its the way it is. I could add more commas though and probably will.
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Ive got no complaints about this and usually i have a ton. Paints a picture in your head with very little space on the page. Imagine an entire book written with such emotional insight. Good job.
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This story is so different to the last one and I commend everyones take on the prompt...
This is so true of school girls and how nasty they can be..their changing of friendship groups and their backstabbing to each other...you created such strong imagery and bought back memories..a powerful piece that packs a punch..ouch!
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Wow! That first sentence was a mouthful but totally good! Great job!
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