Ugly

The tension was too tight. I snapped, folding in on myself, curling up at the edges, and becoming quite indifferent to the moments that were thick and soiled.1

I snapped because of pills and the desperate need for sleep and love and attention; all of which I was sorely lacking.2

I wandered out on the beach, waded into the sharp, choppy water and waited to feel the danger of night pull at my eyelashes and weigh me down. I was brazen, all dressed in red. My useless spiky heels dug into the sand under the water. I could almost feel my overall value decrease.3

I always thought it would be better if I fell in love and if someone loved me. I’d felt that way since I was five years old. Alas, I had found that to be a lie. Those whom you love can break you faster than anyone else on earth. They should be the bane of existence. The only reason it’s so widely accepted and tolerated was because first they made you feel so wonderful and pretty and new and shiny. But they’d always rip you to shreds. It was just a matter of time.4

I only found love in bottles of pills and in liquid that beat my ever-crazed mind into submission. Love was a fucking sham for little girls to believe in to make it seem like their lives will be better. The Cinderella Syndrome that consumed us all had the brilliant guise of making one feel that they would never be hurt. Prince Charming would never cheat on you; you are his TRUE LOVE.5

Bah, true love. The biggest lie of all.6

Rain began pounding into my eyes, smearing the ridiculous make-up I had put on earlier to pretty myself up. Not that it really helped, I guess I just bought into all of those dumb ads with pretty people. As cynical as I may be one must remember that I am only human. 7

This wasn’t a suicide attempt. I wasn’t quite sure what it was or what it meant but I never intended to die. I think I wanted a wake-up call; something to make me realize that happiness is something only I can give myself. But whatever, I already knew that. I still wanted someone to save me; to dive into the water and push me into the sand and kiss me as the sun went down. I wanted someone to wake up next to in the morning, to share decadent coffee and luxurious kisses with. 8

Obviously, that didn’t happen. I ended up walking back onto the beach, my still-wet feet collecting sand that made them look like they were coated in sugar. There was no one within eyesight. Prince Charming hadn’t come to save me.9

Like I really expected him to anyway….10

I had once reconstructed myself from the embers of my old heart. I pinned things into place, glued the fractured pieces and even stuck in a diamond or two. I was still an ugly, awkward girl who had nothing to lose. The plastic surgery hadn’t done any good. My God I was awful, the most hideous thing inside and out to ever breathe. 11

I never believed anyone who called me beautiful. They don’t know what beauty is. They take it for granted. They are all prettier than me. 12

I am nothing. Less than nothing. Can’t you see that plastered across my face? 13

If you tell me I’m wrong you’re a liar. You don’t want to be a liar do you?14