Sometimes I just want to burst out in tears, but they never seem to flow. I sit on the edge of my bed, sometimes for hours on end, but it just won't happen. I must've accidentally insulted the Sandman, as he hasn't been visiting me very often, lately. The nights are long without him. Lonely too, despite the company of my tearless cheeks. 1
I bought a gun a few weeks ago. For protection. The clerk at the gun shop told me to clean it often and check all the parts, to make sure it'll work when I need it to. He gave me a little guide along with it, with all the details on the cleaning and assembly.2
The worst part of the night is when the same old memories pay me a visit, arriving in my head on a train of thought that I can't trace to its point of departure. They won't let me go, and really, I don't want them to. They're the only thing that links me to my past, proof that I existed. Even if my existence wasn't one of many virtues.3
I'm in some cheap motel room, the name of the motel already forgotten. It's nighttime, loneliness kicks in yet again. Every night the same battle against it; it's become routine. But tonight I'm not entirely alone: a moth circles the broken lamp, fighting its own battle to catch the flickering light. Its shadow dances around on the faded green wall. I chuckle when I realize our battles have an ironic resemblance. They're both futile.4
On the rare occasion that I actually do fall asleep, I see the old acquaintances in my dreams; my very vivid dreams. The pleading screams are clear as day, until they're muffled by reality flowing back into my head. And in that split second, that fraction of time between sleep and wake, I'm free. Free from the haunting nightmares and having to deal with painful reality. It's the freedom of that mindless twilight zone I long for so badly.5
The gun is in my hand, I want to clean it. The cleaning-guide is laying next to me on the bed. Closed. I guess I don't want to clean it.
As I gaze at the fine texture of the metal, I suddenly wonder how it would taste. Though I've never handled one before, the gun actually feels as if it was created for the sole purpose of being held by my fingers. It feels oddly natural.6
I remember when I first signed up. I was young, fresh out of college with a promising degree and I was looking for a job that paid well.
“Don't worry, they're all volunteers!” they'd say. And I believed them. Silly me. I'm not trying to justify it, but I really did believe that they volunteered and I was doing the right thing. 7
The manual to my right fades away from my interest. On my other side rests the clip I put there earlier. I pick it up and inspect it; it's beautiful. For the first time in my life, I load a gun. As I expected, it's not that hard... I've seen it on TV plenty of times. 8
Oh, who am I kidding? I didn't think that. I couldn't have, not the way I was raised. I was too down-to-earth for that. I knew the truth, I knew how cold and cruel this world could be. I wasn't naive... I guess I just didn't care back then.
If only I knew then what I know now, if only I knew how those poor souls would haunt me for the rest of my pitiful excuse for a life.9
I cock the gun. The sound exhilarates me, gives me goosebumps.10
The subjects-... No, not the subjects! The people, the humans, the persons! They were all people with families, with loved ones, with a history and a future; a future I robbed from them. The lives I've destroyed will never release me of their grip, I'm pretty sure of that. But to be honest, I don't feel I deserve anything else. Hell, the fact that even now I still refer to them as “subjects” should say enough about me.
Damn... I've turned cold. So cold even my tears seem to have frozen solid. 11
I pray. I don't believe in God, but I figure fuck it, why not. Who knows, right?12
When I close my eyes, I hear the screams of the dying men and women. Screams from the bottom of their souls, screams filled with agony, just begging for relief.
The honesty in their pain is unparalleled. True, honest-to-God fear. It's beautiful in a sick and twisted way. No charade, no acting, just honest and real fear. So deep and real it leaves a mark on whoever they shared it with, as if to say they will never leave you. Never forgive you for causing it.13
Cold sweat runs down my back as my lips kiss the barrel. I open my mouth and taste the metal. I shiver.14
I've begged them to stop screaming but they just won't, they simply can't. Except for in that brief and rare moment between sleep and wake, that enchanting moment of tranquility. That moment where they won't haunt me, where it will be quiet. 15
The trigger tickles my finger.16
No more screaming... I just can't take it anymore.17
Bang.18
Silence.
Author notes
This is *not* autobiographic!
I just did a second version of this story. A few subtle changes and two extra paragraphs. Hope it's improved... if you remember the old version, please tell me if it's better!
For the experts: I've been told that "clip" is not the correct word, but "magazine" is. I purposely did not use that word, because it is too easily confusable with a reading-magazine for the people that don't know anything about weapons, especially in this context. (Thanks to CK for this info!)
In a list
A contest entry
- Glory Hogs Anonymous by Valkyrie.
600 points, ended July 13, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - So Long, and Goodnight. by Living.Disaster.
245 points, ended November 5, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - anything to keep my attention.... by ExpectingMommy18.
550 points, ended November 1, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - My Muse Has Abandoned Me by Atticus Unanimous.
300 points, ends November 29, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Anything! by Lost Soul 12.
350 points, ends December 6, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please comment honestly! :D
Comments
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Superb!!!
It is just simply a great suiside story. It is well-written and I love it very much...
All I can say that is "Bravo,bravo..."
And thanks for sharing this story^^
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5.
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I've begged them to stop screaming but they just won't, they simply can't. Except for in that brief and rare moment between sleep and wake, that enchanting moment of tranquility. That moment where they won't haunt me, where it will be quiet. [[the tesion built in me]]
The trigger tickles my finger.[[I knew what would happen]]
No more screaming... I just can't take it anymore.[[I kept rading waiting for that moment]]
Bang.[[I was speechless]]
Silence.[[Yes there was]]
This is a very amazing story and I thank you grealy for bringing it to my attention.
Thanks for entering and again this was a stunning piece. -
Good read
I really liked this one. Short, but captivating, very dark, but at the same time, very interesting. It grabs the reader. I saw a very few commas missing, and puntuation, but besides some minor things, this was really good. Good luck in my contest. -
Very good suicide story!!! Very dark!!! Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!!
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Congrats on being a finalist.
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This was done very well and very discriptive and I really did enjoy reading this and it shows you have a lot of talent and you can write a lot of different ways ,
I think this had me going from the beginning to end, by the way it was presented. Thanks for this was a very well put together piece and , my pleasure for clicking and reading it .
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Great suicide story!
but you might wanna be more clear on what he had done to be haunted by voices (I'm guessing he was a murderer or something)
Thank you for putting clip instead of magazone, cause I know NOTHING about weapons. lolz
I like how you seperated memory/thought and action. (italics vs. the normal writting) ya know what I mean? I really love stories that o that. It puts more intrest and emotion ontp the story.
Thank you for entering my contest! good luck! keep writting!
-Musical
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That was amazingly good. For the first half, I had no idea what was going on, but then I realized what he had done, and I felt so sad for him. The end made my heart sink with sorrow, and that's why I liked it. I liked it because it triggers emotions in the reader. KUDOS to you!
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Wow it was haunting, disturbing and awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it
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I was going to say magazine too. I think people would know what you're talking about given the context. Horribly good though. Dr. mengele. Don't eat the nuclear oatmeal!
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ooooh. Very well done, i liked it
It was a very well written story, as well. Great work, and good luck.
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Line 1: 'very often lately' You know, I think people use the word 'very' too much in writing, it's really not needed. I do it too but it'd be better to simply say 'visitng me more often lately' :] Sounds better to me,, at least.
Line 9: 'Oh who am I kidding' Yes, I am very picky but I seem to believe there is a little comma and question mark missing here. 'Oh, who am I kidding?' And cut the '...' It makes the writing less appealing in this case. Could work in others, of course, but for this? Nah.
"The worst part of the night is when the same old memories pay me a visit, arriving in my head on a train of thought that I can't trace to its point of departure." Love it! Love it!!!
Para 13? Fucking win!
Indeed, very well done.
Simply writen at parts, but oddly complex when it comes to certain points.
I always did like a good little sad story.
Although this was sadness mixed with angst.
You should certainly think about adding more to this.
It would make it...more complete.
Not saying you should say more about the past or future. Just write a bit more about the now. Explain and go into detail.
Depressed people? They have oddly complex and interesting thoughts...but well, some...hmm, I guess it really depends, then.
Anyways!
Great write!
Keep writing.
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This was extremely written
Depression, suicide, such drama!
So sad and relatable.
To tell the truth I started to cry reading this!
It's so emotional and....brilliant.
Thanks for entering.
Good luck
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I’ve sat here for several minutes, trying to think of what to say about your story and I have come up with nothing. Saying it was good seems over done, as others have clearly stated that little fact. Telling you that it was the best suicide story doesn’t seem right either. I am insanely curious as to what the guy was doing, that led him to this point in his life. So I will say….
Thank you for entering my contest, I enjoyed reading your work. Good Luck!!!
Th.
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Well written and I like the pacing and descriptions and the author's note (although I do know a bit about guns). An excelent title.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Ohh very nice. I liked how you included just the right amount of info so that the reader has to guess what's going on. Good luck!
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Ah, the lack of explanation leaves me curious. World War Two Nazi experiments? The syphilis experiements on African Americans? Manchurian Candidate? Gah, I really don't want to look too hard.
Though your story is short, it packs a thorough emotional punch. The flashbacks mixed with the slow, yet inevitable interaction with the weapon, are like dark molasses reaching the lip of a tipped jar and dripping out. It's an nescapable natural reaction, it seems to say.
Really powerful stuff. Thanks for sharing in my contest. This is a new read for me, and I liked your style.
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Clever Style
I truly liked the style of this short story. The alternation between her thoughts and what was happening kept me interested, giving me enough information and insight to her world and her thoughts, which made me closer to the character.
There was suspense, although I knew from the beginning that suicide will be committed from the beginning, as it was fairly clear from all the thoughts and emotions of the main character. Moreover, the suspense was also built from giving the reader bit and pieces of information, not all of it. The main character felt remorse and regretted taking the job... volunteering... what is this job? Killing people? And this made me read on in order to know the nature of that job.
Also, I still do not know if the main character is a man or a woman. As it is narrated from the first-person point of view, I am still not sure as to the sex of the main character. That is clever, thought... I mean, this given situation can apply to many people, and this makes it more general. Nevertheless, I thought it was a woman. Please correct me if I am wrong.
Good job. I really liked it and enjoyed reading it. The detail was beautiful (I hate stories that lack enough detail).
Thumbs up for you!!!
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..good
but it just didn't flow well with me.. good non-the-less :] -
Short Story. Short amazing story. Awesome story. Very awesome job. Good job, good luck, and thanks for entering!
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this was brilliant.
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It was written very well, I loved the opening and the way you went in like two story's at once.
And I am NOT easily imressed
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Intersting?
I dont realy know what to say... speachless?
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Great
Ilove this work. Your a very good writer. Good luck with your other projects.
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wow! that was very well written. xx
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This was very strong and I enjoyed reading it alot, but somehow I just couldn't feel the emotion in this like I have with other entries. Other than that it is both detailed and full of life. I am guessing the emotion you used was guilt. Thanks for entering!
--Rosalie--
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
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I like the train comparison you used about your memories.
I like how you have like two stories in one. how your talking about what hes thinking and then what hes doing.
"No more screaming . . . i just cant take it anymore" Was one of the most powerful lines in the story for me
Congrates on the great write and thanks for entering. -
You know, before I clicked on this I looked at the categories you had placed it under. Depression and suicide really stuck out. I thought to myself 'oh god, an emo has entered my contest.' But, I had a certain duty as a contest holder to at least pretend to read the story, even if it was emo.
Fuck me in the eye...I was way off.
This was unbelievably awesome. It was so real. Everything about this was real. I was thinking, a little past halfway through, you were missing only one thing...Then I read this:
"I pray. I don't believe in God, but I figure fuck it, why not. Who knows, right?"
That sealed the deal.
I reason, though, toward the end, you could have elaborated a little more on the screams and such that were haunting him. The lack of any genuine details regarding his reasons make your character seem a little hollow.
Other than that, this was fanfuckingtastic. -
This was pretty intense and I was deeply drawn into it. I could sense the character struggling inside with his demons. It seems like he signed up for the war but never expected things to be the way they turned out to be. And in the end, I guess he couldn't have a guilty conscience anaymore, and decided to end it all. This was a very good write.
Well done. (:
Good luck in my contest. (:
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I really liked the way this progressed- details little at a time to get a broader view. The switch back and forth between the thoughts- an internal dialog that, perhaps, has been turned over in his mind a thousand times and the immediated concrete experiences of holding the gun, tasting it, feeling the exhilaration of cocking it, really works well. A chilling piece, bravo.
KW~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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