I have to explain myself for anyone who reads this, and also for my own self-benefit. The whole concept of self-injury is pretty fucked up in itself. The whole idea of intentionally harming yourself, and to some extent enjoying it is a hard thing to swallow and comprehend. I've struggled with this "disease" for years... longer than I had realized. There are just those times when I want to drag a blade across my skin and watch the blood drip and clot. I crave it, I yearn for it. Somedays, I wake up thinking about it, and the whole day, I'll be making plans to escape civilizatoin and destroy myself. I try to vent my emotions through words, paints, and songs... I smoke to delay the inevitable. I guess a lot of times, I would roll my sleeves up to see what people would say, or who would care. I knew people cared, and I know that now. Maybe I was just a little bit selfish. Maybe I just wanted attention. I ask so many people for advice and everytime they tell me "I don't know what to say" a little piece of me dies. I guess I always know when it's coming, but I put myself in that position, and I end up in sharp fragments of what I used to be. I've always been the same person... I just hate myself at times.1
Sometimes I feel bad for the people around me. I ask so much of them. I'm sure I exhaust them. They believe in me so much more than I have ever believed in myself, and I pretty much slap them in the face after they help me... by putting that same old knife to my scarred wrist. But... a few words echo in my head... A few words that struck some nerve in me, and caused me to break down.2
A reoccuring dream of me bleeding to death in the arms of my best friend plays over and over... and I'm determined not to let that dream come true. I have not failed myself... I'm starting over... stronger than before.3
Author notes
When I read this to Steve on the phone, I started crying... its a really emotional peice for me...
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I understand more than you might know, bad relationships, feeling like I was just whining all the time (nothing actually happened to me it just seemed to happen around me for the most part), So I started writing blues (You have never seen anything till' you've seen a big old gay guy sing the blues) it was repetitive, It occupied my time, and it told my story, told of lost lives lost loves and things of that sort and I could end in a bit of a joke, maybe I'll put some of my "blues work" up on this site. Well I'd like to keep in touch with you seems as though we both have stories to tell IM me sometimes, anytime you need an ear just remember, I've got two.
-
ok... where to start... I've always felt a little selfish... because I haven't really had a hard life... I went to two hospitals, and when i went to the one in Illinois... i found myself thinking... whats wrong with me? I was just an overweight jewish girl from Redneckville, South Carolina who had been verbally abused, and used, and just plain hated herself... all the other girls and two guys there had been raped, or abandoned, or lost a parent, or some such horrible thing... i felt horrible everytime i talked in group therapy because i felt like i was just a whiner. I had a half-hearted suicide attempt last year, and i... well I think the main reasons i was so fucked up were a guy who hurt me, my weight, my parents, and my brother leaving for college and returning every once in a while... but only half-alive. I had a friend die this year and i'm convinced I could have saved him... Bill (is that your real name?) I know that sometimes people/teens don't seem to have great reasons for being in the positions they are... but it doesn't change the fact that they're hurting... or they hate themselves, or they just don't know how to enjoy life anymore... they need help, so they either search for the answers through others who don't know what to say, or they crawl inside themselves and self-destruct. I know you must be pissed off at a lot of things for the shit you've been through and you're entitled to it... i just... well i was really hurt by your first comment... it was just so condescending... Bill, i try so hard to absorb the anxiety and such... but when you have that uncontrollable urge to hurt yourself... you just can't get rid of it until you do... it builds and builds... there's no gum or patch for that... and "rehab" doesn't do shit... even if you want to get better... it doesn't last. so i'm sorry... i really am... it's just frustrating that i can't put that feeling into words.
Love,
Hill -
You only hurt the ones you love, and perhaps you misunderstood me, I was saying that perhaps Jake could find something to occupy his time and energy to the extent that it would bring his mind away from it something that would pull his mind away from cutting something that he could be so passionate about that it would become like another addiction but a more positive one, I feel as though I can talk about this because I’ve dealt with depression, but for real reasons I saw my father killed right in front of my eyes, numerous family members lynched church burnings and the like I wanted to die I didn’t feel like I deserved to live when I did little or nothing in comparison to the things that the older members of my family went through, I was simply a witness. Before I came out to myself, I battled that as well when you live in a rural southern town being one of the only blacks around and you’ve been through the same things I've been through and seen the last thing I needed was to isolate myself in another way I dated numerous women but it ended up in pain on both accounts because I knew it wasn't right. Yeah when I was a teenager I went through the normal teenage stuff as well as the things that came along with being black in a small southern town, but I was also gay and in denial about it and I didn't think I was fit to live, so I tried to kill myself, and after that I came to terms with it all after a long struggle, I got a fucking hobby, I started to paint, I started to act, write, sketch I did anything I could to absorb all the time I could to keep my mind off of the shamble that was my life and here I sit seeing little white kids with barely any life experience going through hell and to be honest it scares me, and it pisses me off a little bit. Well that’s my story what’s yours?
-
Licia...
where to start... I'm doing fine... growing stronger, laughing longer, smiling often... and its genuine. So don't even worry about it. Honestly... I'm pissed at a few people... or rather... disappointed. I have had 3 friends batter me this year. Caitlin, Benji, and you... sex is not something that should end a friendship... and if it starts that much shit, then I don't think the friendship is worth fighting over. It's exhausting to try to mend friendships that keep getting ripped open. the "i know I'm not the best friend sometimes" is not an apology.... i'm just stating it... in fact... I didn't tell you I was having problems because of all the stuff that has happened lately... I kind of decided to gracefully back away from this stuff... It's hard to explain myself. I tried to get advice about the whole Benji, Caitlin, and you thing from numerous people (Lindsay, Devin, Lauren, Ryan, Steve, Cassidy)... no I didn't want pity... why would I need pity for something like that? I just didn't know how to deal with it... I would fill my sister in about the things that happened... those two days in drama mainly... and she said that it wasn't healthy for me to stick around that. I love you, Licia... but sometimes you hurt me... and I hurt you back because you don't understand that I can't keep doing this crap. I never wanted attention from this stuff... I never liked crying in front of people... and I never liked having people mad at me... Licia... I really don't know... shit happens... c'est la vie.
Love,
Hill -
Hill...I keep trying. I do. But everytime I try to talk to you and help you you seem to tell me you don't need it, whether you realize you're doing it or not. Everytime I reach out to you, you turn away and it hurts. It hurts so bad. I would never just say to you "I don't know what to say" but you still never liked what I told you. I would care so much about your feelings that I'd started disregarding mine. So then I tried to be honest, just honest, and then I made you cry and made everyone around me think I was a terrible friend and a mean awful person. So now I don't know what to do. I still care about you as much as I ever did because there's a bond there that, though I've tried, I just can't break. I've just learned to stop telling you what I think and just listening to whatever you decide to tell me. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you...I really am. But before I stop this whole "telling the truth" thing. You DO have a lot of people who love you and want to help you. You have a LOT of people who believe in you. And you can turn to any one of them, or any CROWD of them, including me, at any time, and we'll help you. But you can't just ignore them and turn them away until you need them, then suddenly write a poem like this saying "I know I'm not the best friend sometimes" etc. and expect that to make up for it. ...That's all. Don't hate me too much please. And not too long either.
Alicia -
Hooray, I loved it. This was a great vent to you, I bet. I'm glad you were able to put it to words and express yourself. >)
-
Good luck, and i hope everything turns out good for you.
-
yea fight the occupation, I believe in you lots and hope you keep writing songs because that would be awesome. just use music as a medication because I think you're good and the ep is proof.
-
yay...I love you Hilly.I don't think you're selfish...you just completely showed compassion for everyone else,and honestly...I think that's so cool.Chin up...I love you.
-
wow... i can imagine it was emotional... that was really REALLY good... so powerful...
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
