Eroding Away into Insanity

Some people wish to die invisible. They think that maybe if they are not known, no one can miss them, no one can be caused pain by their death. And maybe that is so. Maybe if I were invisible, the shy quiet girl who never utterred a word, who was deaf to the screams eminating from the world's vile mouth.1

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even human. Sometimes I forget to breathe and I know that I'm not breathing, but still I don't inhale. Sometimes I feel like life is more enjoyable if I don't breathe, or I think that I can breathe better underwater. Sometimes I answer questions before I'm even asked; it's like I can read people's thoughts. Sometimes I close my eyes and I see things, visions or scenarios, images, ideas.2

3

Sometimes I think I'm just like them. But That's when I feel the most alone. I don't want to be different. But I don't want to be the same. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. I'm a masochist, but I don't like pain. I'm somewhere in the middle. And it seems I always will be. This life may never change.4

Lately I often find myself locked in my subconscious, my own sort of jail cell that I can't get out of. But part of me doesn't wish to break free. The misery and the anguish feels good. Yet it's soffocating. And as my breathing is constricted, I yearn for the taste of air. I want to escape, but I don't.5

6

I'm stuck.7

8

In a loop.9

Is it logical to go insane? To you it might not seem so, but to me somehow it does. It's like a gradual progression where you find yourself eroding away and the person you thought you knew, the person you were, fades away into the background until all that is left is someone you don't recognize and will never truely recognize. All that is left is a monster you unknowingly, unwillingly created and unleashed. And you are forced to face the consequences. You are forced to spend the rest of your life trapped within the monster, never to be set free. And maybe that is where I am right now. Maybe I am simply doomed to die. Maybe I suffer from insanity. I think I've lost my mind.10