Taking What I Want Chapter XI - Final

Ramona smiles back at me...reaches over to push back on errant strand of my hair. Our eyes are melting into each other and I feel goosebumps cover my body. She squeezes me tight and the incredible wave of feeling washes over me and I find myself crying in her arms. Although tis rather foolish I cannot seem to stop myself...in fact the more she soothes and comforts me the harder I cry. 1

Tis as if years and years of holding back any sort of tenderness within myself tis rushing out of me like a flood. Things that did not affect me except to make me mad and hateful come rushing back. I remember the pain of knowing my parents did not want me. The fear of discovering they were gone forever. The sadness of my sister having to prostitute herself just to feed the two of us. I had turned it all into a sick and twisted desire for revenge. I had taken my emotions out on the innocent victims that I targeted and then...when they fell for me with love...I scorned and abused them in other ways. I did not cry...I had turned off that function in myself fairly successfully. In fact the last time I had cried...twas sitting outside her apartment after I raped her. And then I remember...2

“Ramona...how do you feel about having a baby?” I sniffle and snort as I regain control of myself enough to speak. 3

She tis clearly taken aback by this question. “I-I never thought about it Jeremy. I mean after all...” she lets off without finishing the sentence and her unspoken words hang between us. “Why do you ask?” 4

“Because I have gotten you...pregnant.” 5

“How in the world would you know that? I mean...we have only had sex three times.”6

“It happened the first time. I just...felt it.” Even though I feel stupid saying this I still say it. She continues to stare at me but a different look comes over her face slowly. She takes my hand and places it on her belly. She holds it there so that we are both cradling the unborn life within her. Our baby...once again tears fill my eyes...and hers as well. 7

I see our future life unfolding before me...a wedding. A new home and a new start...perhaps in another city...another county. Our baby being born and both of us caring for that child...and perhaps even more children to come after that. I see myself going off to work in the morning and coming home to a loving family in the evening. I see myself having a normal and sane life...without depravity and obsession. Being happy. Making Ramona happy. 8

“Jeremy...I love you.” she smiles at me and this time I do not stop myself. 9

“I love you too Ramona.” 10

As we lay there smiling and holding one another I feel something else besides the love I have allowed myself to finally open up to. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and coldness begins to seep through my belly and into my bloodstream. A moment later I understand why I had this feeling. 11

The door bursts open and suddenly the room tis full of uniformed garda with guns at the ready...Ramona screams and I try to cover her...to protect her.12

“DO NOT MOVE!” shouts one of the police officers. 13

“Please...” I beg as Ramona sobs beside me. “Let her go. I am sure whatever tis about...”14

“SHUT UP!” I am told as I get hit upside with a pistol...which discharges. One last scream from Ramona...and she tis silenced. Forever. 15

So...here I sit. On death row. I did not mean to kill Angela. Twas only supposed to be a test of her love for me. Instead...it turned into a fucking nightmare. One woman who loved me tis dead. The woman that I loved tis dead. The child that we created together tis dead. And come tomorrow at 4:00 PM...I shall be dead as well. 16

Twas it worth it? All of the pain and suffering that I caused with my behaviour...my selfishness...my infernal desire to take what I wanted despite the costs? I think of Angela...I think of Ramona. I think of all those that I damaged... most likely for good. And I think...the price of my life for theirs tis a small one indeed. If I could give more than just that...I would. 17

I found redemption...but twas too late. I learned my lesson...but twas too late. I learned how to love and decided that I wanted a normal life. But...twas too late. For all of us. I just hope tis not to late for someone else to change their ways and realize...tis nothing better in this world than love. Nothing.