The children giggled and laughed as they chased each other in the woods, the autumn fog creating an unnoticed creepy atmosphere.1
"Catch me if you can, Lizzie!" 2
"Oooh, get back here you little monster!" The oldest girl laughed, diving to catch her little brother.3
"Not a monster til tonight!" He replied, darting away. 4
"Lizzie! Can we play hide and seek?" the youngest girl asked. 5
"Alright, the loser has to walk through the graveyard tonight!"6
"But it's halloween!" 7
"Exactly!" Lizzie giggled. The two younger siblings stood smirking, looking in the opposite direction to their sister, as their brother crept up behind Lizzie.8
"BOO!" He shouted, pouncing on her. She shrieked, then turned and hit her brother.9
"Lloyd! You're it! Count to twenty!" She ran off into the trees, leaves rustling as she went and the two youngsters split up to hide. 10
Lloyd shouted, counting to twenty. 11
"Ready or not, here I come!" 12
He found his youngest sister Lily first, tickling her from behind. 13
She jumped up and down until he gave her a piggy-back. He was crunching his way through the trees, shouting, "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" when he heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream. 14
"LLOYD!" 15
"Lizzie?!" He yelled back, running towards where the scream had come from. He gripped on to his little sister, making sure she didn't fall off.16
"Ohmygod! Lloyd!" He heard Lizzie cry, from only a few metres away. He veered his course and skidded to a halt in shock. Lizzie was sprawled in a ditch, twigs in her hair and dirt all over her, staring in shock at the human corpse lying on the ground only a few feet away. Lily slid down off his back.17
"I fell down the ditch," was all Lizzie could say. 18
"Are you hurt?" 19
"My ankle- I think I sprained it." 20
Lloyd couldn't help but stare at the black-clothed figure lying face-down. He walked slowly over to it, turning over the body. She didn't look much older than him. Lizzie whimpered a little behind him.
He felt for a pulse, not expecting to find one.
"She's still warm. But there's no pulse." He realised that the woman was bleeding from a stab wound in her chest. She hadn't been dead long. Lloyd froze, standing upright as this realisation lead to another. The killer must not be far away.
"ROB!" Lloyd shouted for his little brother, pulling the phone out of his pocket and dialling 911. "ROB! WHERE ARE YOU?" 21
Author notes
was thinking about putting this as an excerpt for another story I'm working on- but I like it of it's own merit so, For halloween contest!
A contest entry
- Pre-written: 2008 by B Chandler.
200 points, ended November 9, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My Second SW Contest (I think.....) by crosscountry07.
450 points, ended October 26, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - All Hallows eve - scare me. (or not.) by Melli.
100 points, ended November 2, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Good story
This story built well and had atmosphere. Leaving it dangling at the end was very good, I want to know the outcome but at the same time I don't in case things go from bad to worse. Nicely done.
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errrr.
errr, a little creepy. It could have been written a lot better though. Good try
KEEP WRITING!
-Melli<33 -
I really loved the fun-ness of this (if that makes any sense). One minor booboo though: Omit the second 'L' in dialing [p21]
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Commentary
I really loved the fun-ness of this (if that makes any sense). One minor booboo though: Omit the second 'L' in dialing [p21] -
oooo this is really good! will you write more??
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AAAhhh!! CREEPY! But good!
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OOOH nice, Can't wait to read the rest when you post it.
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I'd kind of like to know what happened to Rob. But other than that, good story! Good luck in all the contests! -Liz
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cliffhanger XP make the link that rob is missing and there's a killer on the loose lol, we'll see if i get around to adding to this. it's quite possible
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Wow! I wanted to know what happens next! lols Keep working on this story, I think it will turn out nicely indeed! It has a rather interesting beginning as well.
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hey! thanks for the comment i've just changed a bit and added some bits if you wanted a lil bit more detail lol- it's about to get a whole lot scarier and i'm not so sure it'll be an excerpt anymore
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