In the background low conversations buzzed about the Call Center. I was standing by a young recruit with pale blond hair, my hands resting lightly on her bony shoulders. "Alright Madara, what procedure would you follow now?"1
Madara hesitated slightly, biting her bottom lip between very straight teeth. "While getting a call for a Closer I would input the location and time, cross reference that to the Closers on duty that night. Then call the closest Closer."2
"Very good, but next time do not hesitate. Your job is very crucial. You are the one that makes or breaks the job."3
"Yes, ma'am." Madara replied.4
A hush descended over the room and I turned to see why. Kale was walking through the randomly scattered call desks. The men and women working the center watch as he stopped in front of me. 5
His face held a three day stubble and his eyes were sunk in his head. I knew that he hadn't been sleeping well. After what had happened, he was taking the blame onto himself. I tried time and again to get him to come to terms with it, but I had failed repeatedly.6
"Kale," I breathed softly.7
He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. "Raisa, I needed to see you, to feel you."8
"Kale, what is going on?" I asked, still keeping my voice quiet. Those around us were still watching intently. "Back to work, please."9
He pulled back to look into my eyes. "I am tired of feeling like a failure. I just want to look at you and not feel like I've let you down."10
"But Kale," I interrupted.11
"No, please let me finish." He held up his calloused hand. "In order for me to do that, I must leave. I can't be here right now. I need to get my head together."12
"You're leaving?" I felt my stomach fall to my knees and my breath caught in my throat.13
"I'm sorry." He turned and left. And my whole world dropped away from me. 14
Author notes
Just a rought draft. Will go through and do more describing later.
In a list
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Damn! After their feelings for each other being rekindled in the last couple of chapters your gonna end it with Kale walking away? That's almost as tragic as one of them being killed.
Nope no fairy tale ending here.
"I can't be here right now. I need to get my head together."
Those lines actually give it an open ended feel, like a lead-in to a second part of the book. *hint, hint* Or maybe a second novella in a series. Just a thought. *scratches head*
Good description and detail as always to bring the reader into the story. That and the dialogue make it feel real.
This is a great story Brooke! I still hope you decide to expand on it in one way or another but I've really enjoyed reading it and can't wait to read it through when you've done the final edit.
Nicely done all through!
Greg
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Greg, you and Phil are my biggest fans on this story. Just wish he was here to finish reading it.
But thank you for the praise and I'm still thinking about what to do for the next one...if there will be a next one.
Up to chapter 3 part 2 on the edits *wipes brow* Gonna be a long one
Again thanks
Brooke
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What the?! He left? Grrr! I'd yell at him and demand he come back!
*calms down*
I really like the way you describe people. It's subtle, and it's enough so that the reader can get a clear picture without feeling overwhelmed by detail. I tend to overwhelm with detail, so trust me.
The dialogue is also believable, so great job on that as well. I wonder what is going to happen next. Do tell me when you plan to post more.
Minor crit:
I was standing by a young recruit with pale blond hair, my hands rested (would use "resting" instead) lightly on her boney shoulders.
Kale was walking through the randomly scattered call desk (just one desk?). The men and woman working the center watch (correct verb tense?) as he stopped in front of me.
on her boney shoulders - bony
Madara hestitated slightly - hesitated
next time do not hestitate - hesitate
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*wonders why spell check didn't catch the hesitate blunder*
There is talk that one or two ppl would like me to continue the Raisa - Kale story. I don't know if I will. I just didn't want the predictable 'they lived happily ever after' ending.
This is the end of this story, but will be putting all the chapters and part together in one looooonnnnnnggggg novelette as soon as the edits are done. I haven't been keeping up. So I'm thinking late next week, if I'm focused.
Thanks for getting angry with this. I am glad that I could get the kind of emotion I wanted out of the reader.
Thanks for picking up those errors. I have fixed them
Thanks for reading also.
Brooke
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In my long and interesting writing career (I just lied a bit there, did you catch it?) I have VERY often confused Epilogue and Prologue, such as when I read this title, thinking this was a very interesting opening to a tale told backwards.
Than I realized, just because I confuse the two, does not mean other people do, and that I just read the end of a story. So I'll have to go and read the rest of these.
But very well written! -
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I don't usually do prologues or epilogues, but this one needed it
Hope I don't confuse you later
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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