Francesca Leonardi2
2. Where and when were you born? 3
NEW YORK CITY, Italian quarter4
3. Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.) 5
My father is Matthew Alex Leonardi. He is a doctor with the aid organizations ‘doctors without borders. He travels to different countries that need medical services and spends a couple months there building up a foundation for a medical s system. He is 5’8 with curly brown hair and green eyes. He is really loud and loves telling corny jokes and then laughing at them. He is dedicated to his work and puts all his time and energy into it. He likes traveling and doing everything he can to help people. My parents work together most of the time. I last heard from them when I was eleven and I haven’t seen them since I was nine. 6
Bianca Elaina Leonardi (Da Siena, is her maiden name) is my strong willed mother. My mother is a journalist who loves going to different countries in turmoil to help give the other side of the story a voice. She believes in speaking up for the communities who have been silenced. She is quiet most of the time, observing and understanding people and what their story is. She is loud when she has to be to speak up for the causes she is fighting for. She loves learning about new cultures and traveling to different places though most of the places she travels to have a lot of turmoil or war like situation. She speaks Italian, English, Arabic, Spanish and two African languages fluently. Last saw my mother when I was 8- last heard from her when I was 11. 7
4. Do you have any siblings? 8
I am an only child but I grew up with all my cousins so family surrounded me all the time. 9
What are/were they like? 10
5. Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. 11
I live in Silverton, Colorado. It’s near the Animas River; it’s in the hills near the mountains. Its really high up and part of it is touristy because it is a historic landmark but the rest of it is beautiful - Once you go toward the river and the hills, there aren’t people and its just wild beauty. The people mostly have been here for generations- the families have old claims though my family doesn’t. My aunt came here 8 years ago and my grandfather five years ago though I have been here 5 weeks. My aunt has established how lucky I am to have a second chance and that if I keep up good grades and don’t run that I will do ok with her. I don’t have curfew since school hasn’t started yet and as long as I check back in with her or call her I can explore the hills by myself and walk around as long as I don’t go far away from where there might be any people. My grandfather sits on the porch and stares out as if watching old memories. I try to talk to him but he is always distant. The town is closing up within itself because tourist season is ending but I like the way summer is fading on the leaves and in the air. There are 500 people total maybe. My aunt can stop nagging though I’m not gonna run- at least not yet. The high school is apparently in one of the towns down the hill- Silverton is way to small to have its own. All the local kids go to school in a town down the mountain. 12
6. What is your occupation?13
I sit through 8 hours of the eleventh grade each day so the teachers who drone on and on can feel as if their words have substance and as if any of us are listening. I play the petty games of who can get power every day. I tolerate the fake niceness of the shallow girls whose lives are centered on the power of gossip and rumors. 14
7. Write a full physical description of yourself. 15
You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.16
I am a 5’5, dark haired, green eyed, left-handed Italian. I’m skinny about 133 pounds which some say is to skinny but others then stare at me when I eat but whatever. I am not going to change myself for them- why would I live without good food? I wear skinny jeans to show off my long legs- I am a 42 in Zara’s and other Italian fashions. I am skinny and curvy- I have hips, boobs and a butt –I’m Italian. I have a scar from my knee to my thigh from falling on wires and glass. I wear tight clothes, hip hugger jeans or skinny jeans and tight shirts that show skin. 17
8. To which social class do you belong?18
My aunt isn’t poor or super wealthy. Her house is practical- there is always enough to eat and she got me school clothes without a problem. There are watercolor paintings done by her around the house but everything is simple. 19
9. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?20
I am not allergic to anything as far as I know of- except maybe really obnoxious people. 21
10. Are you right- or left-handed?22
I am left-handed. 23
11. What does your voice sound like? 24
My voice gets higher when I am excited or hyper. Generally my voice is pretty high pitched though- and loud. I am always talking or doing something. 25
12. What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? 26
Boh! (I don't know), Dai (you give me or Come on!), Basta! (Stop!), che tate (shut up, Florentine dialect), chiuda la boca (close your mouth) bischero (Jerk, florentine dialect), donialo (player, or womanizer), Madonna (Darn), Merda (shit) umm. you’re stupid, Omg!(in really obnoxious ditzy voice) Shut up!, Fa fancullo (F you in Italian), really?, I’m searching for freedom, Free. Maybe. Why? Marema Miale (damn, florentine dialect)27
13. What do you have in your pockets? 28
My phone, lip-gloss, a euro.29
14. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?30
I can’t stand being vulnerable or crying around other people- because I always get hurt. I won’t let anyone see my cry or not strong. I hate being touched and having it mean something- at dances everyone messes around and grinds or jokes but then it doesn’t mean anything to anyone its for fun. Baci Baci (kiss kiss, right cheek then left, common greeting)- everyone does it and it is just common and a way of greeting. Other than that I hate to be touched lovingly or when it means something significant- I will flinch when people do.31
Part 2: Growing Up32
15. How would you describe your childhood in general? 33
It was full of good food and running around in the Tuscan hills. When there was the harvest my cousins and I raced each other to see who get pick the most wine grapes and fill the most baskets- we climbed up the olive trees and tossed them down to each other. It was full of family and plenty of cousins all around me- it was full of summers of lying out under the stars just lying in the grass. It was full of family members and being raised by Nona and Nono and all my aunts and uncles. It was full of going to Siena every day for school and running around on the cobble stone steps playing tag. It was darting out to the front yard to see how close the gunshots hunting cinghiale were. 34
16. What is your earliest memory?35
I was four and even though it wasn’t that cold in central park but I was bundled up in jackets and sweaters. There were men with black jackets and yellow letters who were like the men who rode horses in central park except these men didn’t wave to me or let me see their badge. Walking over to the great window where I could see giant metal things- I began to cry. One of the silver giants had leapt in to the sky and started moving away. When my cousin threw a stick in the air, it always came down and when I tossed the dogs toys in the air they never stayed up. It was going to fall down on us the giant metal things. Mamma held me as we walked onto the plane and I don’t remember the trip because I fell asleep. I remember stepping off the metal thing onto carpet and hearing the language mamma sang my lullabies in- there was something fairytale like about it- I was mesmerized. Someone said Italy or Italia- I connected that with fairytales and being beautiful. 36
17. How much schooling have you had? 37
I went to an Italian school from when I was five to when I was thirteen and then I came back to America and went to a private school and then public schools- I’m in the 11th grade at Silverton high right now. 38
18. 39
Did you enjoy school? 40
I like learning history and understanding why things happen and whom they happened to. It’s actually interesting to me though I don’t mind Literatura or English either. I can write creatively in Italian and English because Mamma decided I had to learn that. I like reading and writing is ok but when is there ever time. There is always something more entertaining to – explore something or run around- or look at the stars. I like languages and understanding how the words I speak all fit together and why they do the way the do- I speak Italian fluently and I speak English too because whenever Mamma and papa took me for trips during the summer that is what they spoke to me and so they made sure I knew how to speak it. I can sit through science and math though it’s not really interesting. It’s all really easy and I don’t really bother trying. 41
19. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? 42
I learned English from speaking with parents because spoke it a lot to me and made sure I learned it. Each summer they took me traveling to the places they thought I should see and then they brought me back for school each fall. One of them would take me to the first day for school at first but then they stopped being there. Both of them started going on trips together instead of one of them staying to be around for me. They took me traveling every summer and brought me back for school- at first one of them would take me top school or only one of them would be gone on trips. Then they started leaving together and I wouldn’t see them for months at a time or when I would it was for a day or so or a couple hours. 43
No matter what you do or how hard you try, you can never be good enough. I learned that from my parents that even if you think you did nothing wrong you still could have and probably did. The people you can depend on and who you want to trust- who say they will be there for you never will- they give you away because like everyone else they don’t want you- I’m here in America aren’t I? Proof of that!44
20. While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them.45
My Nona raised me and made sure everyone treated me fairly even though my parents didn’t want me. She was always a fair and settled dispute while looked at both sides. She was always willing to listen to t he bad jokes my little cousins wanted to tell her even though they weren’t funny and she would hear them 300 times. She would scorn the older kids for telling dirty jokes and they would hush just by one of her looks. She made sure all of us went to church every Sunday and said our prayers each night. She taught anyone who wanted to learn to cook- anyone was welcome in her kitchen. She taught the guys as well as girls to cook- I sometimes went and hung around because whomever I was following at the time was there. She gave me a place in the family. She taught us to always respect our elders. She lived through years of war and occupation and held on to the farm through out all of it because she knew it would be important someday. 46
Nona47
21. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? 48
I never argued with Nona- we just didn’t do that. My aunts and Uncles knew I was there because of Nona and didn’t ask me to do anything they weren’t asking their own children. My cousins and I laughed, smiled, giggled, cried, and fought together. We argued over silly things and I was always the first to return someone’s hit- they boys hit me, I’d hit them back- I slapped and pinched anyone who tried to fight me. My cousins and I would tackle each other to the dirt and wrestle and hit and punch as much as we could without seriously hurting each other until some adult came and broke us up. We fought less frequently as we got older but the fights had more meaning, as we got older. Nona would scold and be furious whenever she saw us fighting and she would shake her head and sigh’ Ay Mio dio’. She always cleaned cuts though and kissed bruises and tears away as much as she hated our fights. My cousins and I were family and best friends but we also feuded and bickered constantly. When my cousins my own age got mad at me I would go and follow around the older kids. 49
My parents weren’t really there for me to fight with them or to not get a long with them. When they were there they were a brief presence in my life- I never disagreed with them when we spent the summers together because I was afraid that they would go away and not come back if I did that. 50
22. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?51
When I was little I wanted to be a singer, I was in choir for Mass but I wanted to sing onstage the way Laura Pausini does. I wanted to be up on stage and look down and see my parents there- cheering just for me. I wanted to open my mouth and sing my heart and soul out and then come off the stage to hugs from my parents and them wanting to go to dinner with me- spend all their time with me and not want to share me with anyone else. 52
23. As a child, what were your favorite activities?53
I loved to sing- I sang in the shower; I hummed little tunes I picked up. I sang to my cousins all the time- I sang the lullaby my mother sang when I was very little to myself before I went to sleep every night. My cousins would throw pillows at me because I would sing instead of paying attention to whatever they were saying. 54
I loved harvest time, and the excitement of picking all the grapes and olives. There was always a big dinner after and all the kids could try a sip of the sweet wines. Everyone was always together and while the adults got drunk and told bad jokes we would run outside in the fields and throw anything that was left at each other- fallen grapes or olives went flying. If the grass had been cut sometimes we threw flying grass. 55
24. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?56
I was loud and mischievous always interested in causing trouble. I talked all the time constantly about everything. I was always out going and not really afraid of anything. I loved being in or around nature- just lying in the grass staring at the stars as they made their way out of the clouds was good enough for me. 57
25. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?58
I always had someone to play with whether it was one of my cousins or whether it was one of the kids from town. I had a lot of friends from school who I spent time running around Siena with. 59
26. When and with whom was your first kiss?60
My first kiss was with Luke when I was in seventh grade. We had gone on a field trip to Firenze and he sat next to me on the bus. We were talking- arguing over which team was the best Fiorentina or Siena (he was from Florence) and whose players were the strongest when there was a pause and he blurted ‘Francesca Leonardi, I like you!’ I was a dummy; I just sat there and said ‘Why?’ I didn’t get it. I had never thought of him in that way or myself in a way that someone would like me. His family was friends with my Nona and everyone and they often came over and sat down and talked while he ran around with us. They came over for dinner later that night- and we were sitting in the grass that night farther up the hill then everyone else was running around. The adults lit a bonfire and the kids were jumping around it and catching fireflies in the dark. He held my hand and we were watching the bonfire light up the sky. I was kind of just going along with the ‘girlfriend thing’ because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I was looking at the shapes in the dark trying to see if it was my cousins coming near us. I noticed he was just staring at me- it was weird, I wasn’t sure if I had grass on my face or something. I asked him what he was staring at and he asked if he could kiss me. I didn’t exactly like him- I mean we were friends and I thought he was cute and didn’t mind if he wanted to kiss me. I shrugged- we missed, and bumped heads the first time because we both closed our eyes, the second time his mouth touched it and mine was just strange. His lips were warm and it felt weird to have them touching mine. We only kissed for a couple seconds and then we just sat there in the dark. I thought I had a sign on my face saying’ just been kissed’ because I was certainly blushing. I liked it more as I thought about it in terms of being my first kiss. 61
27. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?62
I’ve never chosen to lose my virginity to anyone- Antonio stole that choice from me. 63
28. If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.64
Everything I’ve done- everyone who has been in my life whether kindly or badly has taught me something about myself or given me reason to hurt, which has affected my choices. The connections frustrate me- I wish I could just be- free without having to think or calculate how it would affect. Nothing happens that’s isolated and I almost wish that weren’t true. 65
Part 3: Past Influences66
29. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?67
They sent me away back the United States. . It was months after what Antonio had done and I thought they had figured out my secret so they were sending me away because it was my fault but the truth was Nona was sick and the farm wasn’t doing very well. They thought it would be a good idea for me to go back to my ‘American roots’ because they didn’t know where my parents were and there was no money for me from them to take care me. Cara’s wedding had cost a lot even though the adults only spoke of it in hushed voices and her family was moving to Padova where she and her husband would be. Many of the older kids were already in high school and were by then going to school in Firenze and their families had moved there. 68
Cara was so happy, and I didn’t want to ruin her happiness- she was so beautiful as a bride and I knew she deserved to have her night where the attention was on her so I didn’t tell anyone about what Antonio had done- or how I hadn’t frozen in fear till after I could hear the footsteps of one of the wedding guests walking away. I could have broke down and told them that ‘no I wasn’t ok, that I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was here, that being loved sounded so good’ but I didn’t. I had control of the situation and bad things happened. I was ashamed of what Antonio did- I felt robbed. I felt like I had gotten into trouble but this time trouble I couldn’t get out of. I felt caged by my secret- it was too late to tell anyone after the wedding.69
30. Who has had the most influence on you? 70
My Nona because all I love about Italia was from her or what she taught me. I speak it fluently because of her- I learned to sing old songs from her. My identity culturally is because of all she taught my cousins and me.71
31. What do you consider your greatest achievement?72
That I got out of Florida as fast as I did and that I got out of Miami without getting caught. Two buses and the train and I was across the border. Italian girls never travel alone and I was most definitely alone. I expected it to take longer to get from south Florida to somewhere closer to the state border but no one stopped me- maybe I was invisible or everyone had their own problems, a runaway girl wasn’t their problem. I was a little unsure of what I would do in Miami- I was 15 and I didn’t have anywhere to go. It was rainy but warm so I was lucky. I slept on the beach taking my chances with the tides rather than people on the street. No one was out as I picked my away down street after street to somewhere I could be safe. 73
74
32. 75
What is your greatest regret? 76
I don’t have any regrets- I can’t explain any of what happens and I don’t want to. I will always be able to do better, to be better but I am not going to trap myself in a past full of molding myself into the image everyone else wants to see but that I can’t stand in the mirror. I can’t go back and change the way I have acted or what I’ve said- as much as I might wish I could, so no regrets because everything is connected and regretting the bad means I regret the good too.77
33. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?78
I don’t think I’ve ever done anything evil- sinful maybe but not evil- not as if I wanted to really hurt someone. I didn’t stop Antonio but I don’t think that was my evil doing anymore. 79
34. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?80
I don’t steal- that’s wrong- I don’t take what doesn’t belong to me not only because Nona taught me it was wrong and because you never know if what you are taking means a lot to whoever it belongs to. They caught me in Chicago one of the first times I ran- the police got me because I left a note and my ride never showed up. I don’t have a criminal record though- running away isn’t a crime- though I’ve been caught every time so far by someone, even if they have had to chase me across state and county borders. 81
35. When was the time you were the most frightened?82
After one of the wedding guests walked away and I didn’t think to tell them I wasn’t ok- I had the automatic reply even though this time I was in trouble. When I turned around and saw Antonio still there- seconds from his arms around me- kissing me, trying to get me closer to him. I was scared- fear was weird for me- even in Firenze I was always with a cousin or a friend or not far from somewhere I knew. In Siena I was raised there so someone coming in had more to fear from me, who belonged to the city, then I had from them. No one ever really wanted to hurt me or ever tried- except Antonio. At first he was sweet, I believed he liked me for a second, I wanted him to- someone who would hold me and who loved me. I thought I could handle it – that I could stop him if he wanted to push me too far- I didn’t think he wanted more than to be near me. 83
He held my arms above my head when I started fighting and when I realized I couldn’t fight him- it hurt so bad, I felt caged and trapped, set up for this. Tears wanted to fall, but I wouldn’t let them- he wouldn’t see me cry or see me vulnerable even though he was taking a part of me away from me.84
36. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?85
I was embarrassed and guilty after Antonio because I felt like I had been so stupid. I was naïve and a silly young girl who believed in love. For once I thought something I wanted was that close in reach that I just had to stretch a little further. I let scum like him touch me- I didn’t suspect anything weird about it- that he would tell me during the party of a wedding while everyone was to busy to notice my absence or come help me. That he was covering up his feelings for me by flirting with the girls I saw him with- that he actually thought I was mature. My stupidity embarrassed me and that I didn’t stop him. 86
37. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?87
I would have helped my older cousin take her baby home to her house so I wouldn’t have been in that garden at that time. I would have danced with my little cousin on the dance floor for five hundred more times- so I would have been somewhere different. I would have seen that coming and not let Antonio get me alone- or listened to anything he had said- I wouldn’t have let him touch me and I would have run soon as he tried. If I could change one thing from my past- I would change the events leading up to Cara’s wedding so that maybe those would affect the ones after in a way so I would have been somewhere else that night. That would be one experience I could live without- one set of doubts and pain that I don’t need in my heart. 88
38. What is your best memory? 89
My best memory was when I wrote a speech in class for a contest and it won. I was falling asleep in all my other classes the next day but it was worth it. I poured everything I had into that speech- it was about being bilingual, speaking English and Italian. It was more of a paragraph- a painstakingly written paragraph that I wrote in fourth grade I think. It wasn’t that great but I won the contest- a kinder bar, and a certificate to a gelateria and my parents called me from wherever they were. They stopped what they were doing to call me and tell me congratulations. They wanted to see the paragraph and were happy for me. They were glad their speaking to me in English had helped me- they didn’t say they were proud of me though- just happy.90
39. 91
What is your worst memory?92
When they told me I was going back to the United States- I had just woken up and come downstairs. I was grabbing some ciabatta to munch on and keep me awake when my aunt told me to sit down so she could talk to me. She said she needed to tell me something that was very serious and speak to me as if I was older about a serious issue regarding me. My heart pounded and without thinking I crossed my legs and sat on my hands afraid they had figured out my secret. I hadn’t told anyone- at first not wanting to ruin Cara’s happiness and after I kept thinking that maybe they would figure it out or ask where I was during all the dancing and then Nona got sick when I figured out I should tell them. I was afraid to worry them further. I had been religious about keeping it- I kept my mouth closed and smiled the way I always had and no one saw the silence or hurt in my eyes. I was supposed to be safe, protected but I wasn’t, something was taken from me and I didn’t even really understand what it was I had lost. I thought if I told them I lost it ‘virgincita’ a word I applied vague definitions to but only knew it was important, they would ask me where I had last seen it. I thought they would think I was careless, because although I knew he had taken it from me – I was young and didn’t understand that it wasn’t something I could misplace. My aunt told me that I was going to go back and stay with some other family members for a while in the United States. It was a good experience for me to learn about my American cultural roots was the way she put it. I was in shock.93
Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions 40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?94
I’m neither- I don’t think about the future just the present. I’m too sick of being disappointed so I don’t really think of the future in terms of other people. I take care of myself- and take my life into my own hands. I don’t rely on other people- I have faith in myself. 95
41. What is your greatest fear?96
I’m not afraid of anything- I’ve been afraid before. I don’t let myself get into situations where I am afraid. I’m scared to that if I trust again that I will get hurt. I don’t want anymore pain- I just want to numb what I have. 97
42. What are your religious views?98
I’m Catholic- I believe in Mary the mother of 99
Christ, Christ, and God. I believe in Heaven and Hell- I’m probably going to Hell. 100
43. What are your political views?101
I’m a socialist- I believe in freedom. I think the drinking laws in 102
America should be lowered because it just incites their teens to want to drink more. People don’t drink and respect it- they could care less what they drink just that they get drunk. In Italy it’s a part of the culture and not that big of a deal at all. Drinking isn’t a big thing for me- I grew up drinking wine at the table and proseco (juice mixed with a light wine) and champagne. I don’t really like beer that much or any of the hard liquors because they taste disgusting but my peers somehow like it. People should be given more freedom. 103
44. What are your views on sex?104
It should be an act of love- people should love each other and both should respect each other. My church says its immoral and that sex before marriage is so bad but I think it if it isn’t misused and people are careful and think about the consequences than it isn’t sinful. Love isn’t sinful- that’s what it should represent. It’s a gift of yourself to someone else- on both sides- its something that you should choose to give away and not have it stolen. All the girls who run around and give themselves away without caring whom the person is are stupid. They are giving up something that isn’t just a foolish random experience. It means something to some people and it they should treasure the choice to give it away. I don’t because I can’t stand to be that close to anyone. 105
45. Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?106
I wouldn’t kill someone- killing silences a voice forever and steals choices away. Killing is wrong and not acceptable. I’m not going to steal someone’s future away from them- or steal life from them. If someone is in absolute pain though and wants to just be set free then they should be allowed that choice. If they hurt to live they should be allowed to go into death. I’ve been taught that suicide is wrong but I don’t know. I wouldn’t kill myself- too much thinking and I wouldn’t want that choice or control in my hands. If something happens though I wouldn’t fight dying- I think it would be ultimate freedom to not have to hurt all the time and free of everything. 107
46. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?108
Abandon someone who depends on them- force them to grow up without them in their life. It’s stealing in a way because it’s stealing that comfort and that love from that person. Stealing from someone something that is irreplaceable is evil- taking something from them that is on the edge of no return- life, virginity, future, voice, freedom. A human being can scar by this things- they traumatize and hurt people beyond recognizing. 109
47. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? 110
Not for me. I don’t want anyone that close to me. It hurts too much. Some people have soul mates- people who they just click with- emotionally they fit together the way puzzle pieces are- made together. 111
48. What do you believe makes a successful life?112
I don’t know because I certainly don’t have it. Love, a future, a voice, a way to numb the pain maybe. 113
49. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)?114
I say what I have to say- people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I don’t trust other people with my secrets and I don’t tell others things about me if I don’t have to. I say what I think and are flat out blunt about other people. I have no need to soften my words because I don’t depend on anyone. 115
50. Do you have any biases or prejudices?116
The Italians play soccer better than anyone else- granted the Brazilians and Latinas are good but we are still better as the world cup proved two years ago and we have always known. The French are nothing to us though- Zidane is nothing compared to Matarazzi and the Italian players. 117
51. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? 118
I won’t depend on anyone else or let myself be vulnerable in front of anyone. I won’t take a life or steal from anyone. If I let myself be vulnerable then I am just going to get hurt again and lose even more of myself. Stealing is the worst thing you can do- it’s taking something that doesn’t belong to you and it preys on anyone- anyone can be a victim of it. I won’t love anyone else- my heart can only hold so many burdens and numb so much pain. The few I love are numbered and even they dwindle as my memories begin to fade. 119
52. Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? I'd do anything to numb the pain and find freedom.120
Part 5: Relationships With Others121
53. In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? 122
I don’t let anyone get close to me- its too dangerous to let anyone in. I am not flat out rude to anyone- I’m blunt but not mean or cruel on purpose to hurt someone if I can help it though when I start hurting I seek any relief and I just explode unable to contain all my pain and emotions. I keep people at a distance. It gets easier and more comfortable to be around people as I get to know them better. I don’t mind my aunt or grandfather and I am getting to know them better. It’s not comfortable but it’s getting more so- there are still far too many questions and unsaid words skulking in the silences but they aren’t suffocating me. 123
54. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?124
My Nona is all I have left of the old memories- even now my vision is fading of her. I know she loved me even if she was the only one to stand by me and love me. She was the person that taught me everything I know- she gave me a home and somewhere to belong. She will always be in my heart for that and her beliefs will live on through me and anyone ‘pazzi’ enough to listen to what I think and follow it in any way. However, true friends are the ones who say ‘I’ll be there’ and prove it. A hell of a lot of people has said they will be there, so far none have proved it.125
55. Who is the person you respect the most, and why?126
I respect Nona because she went through a war, occupation, grief, sadness, and pain and survived it all to raise my cousins and I to the best of her ability and take care of the farm for so many years. It wasn’t her decision to send me away and I do wish she had fought for me harder but she was sick, really sick. She stood tall through every obstacle holding her down- she beat everything that tried to hold her down. Every voice that told her ‘no’ she defied and silenced- I believe in that and I believe in fighting for that type of strength and freedom. 127
56. Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.128
I don’t exactly call up a friend from a pay phone in a city 1000 miles away and start chatting about the latest ‘gossip.’ That tends to make it easier for the police or any authority figures to catch you. Any friends that stand by me even knowing I ran and not knowing why don’t stay friends for very long because I am always gone soon from any city I run from because I get caught and moved. Most like dissociating themselves with me- ‘ oh she’s the cool Italian girl with great style, she’s chill to hang out with’ (first week or so of school). ‘What a freak, she actually ran away. She probably has mental issues or something ‘ or ‘ Damn she ran, that girl probably did it for attention not like she had any real problems and we thought she was cool’ (After I ran and around the time I come back caught) tends to be the general thoughts surrounding me. The people I hang out with at school are replaceable- they use me (the new exotic girl) to gain popularity, attention, interest, style, and I use them as a distraction from hurting, as people to hang out with and buy me time before I run- beneficial to both of us but not exactly friends. They are almost always the same- exclusive manipulative group who somehow stands to gain by using me to their advantage. I’ll go with No; I don’t have a best friend hence the no friends. 129
57. Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person130
In most countries that I know they have this tricky thing called laws. In Italia it’s more of a suggestion or guideline then actually enforced and society governs itself by norms decided as a whole. America is a little stricter about their laws- they tend to take them serious and there is this minor one about having to be a consenting adult i.e. I’m not cause I’m 17, and you have to have someone you agree to marry i.e. I don’t since I don’t plan on getting myself stuck loving anyone. So in translation, I’m not married nor do I have a significant other or someone else to tell me who I can or can’t be since A) one is frowned on because of my age and illegal, and
I just don’t want to. 13158. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened132
Yea, I was in love with a country and a language but that was stolen from me. My innocence was stolen and with that in quick succession my happiness. I’ve thought I was in love and been dangerously wrong- I got taken advantage of and betrayed beyond anything I thought possible. 133
I almost slipped once with this guy Louis- we hung out and killed time together. He used to be a runaway, he came home eventually but out of the hundreds of people at our school in the community- he got it. He got how I could run, maybe not why but how. He understood the feeling of being trapped and scared and strong and about to explode all at once. He didn’t ask me questions just accepted the girl I’d become. I started to like him- I didn’t like myself for it- I wanted to not lean on anyone or love anyone. I started falling for him though- hard and fast into a pit of unknown depths of which I was going to suffocate and drown in alive. He kissed me once- I almost told him- almost told him everything. We had been hanging out a alot-that time it felt right, he didn't push me or try to force me into anything- it was just a kiss but as much as I fought it, it meant a lot to me at the time. 134
Then he got a girl pregnant, he was stupid. He got drunk and found out a couple days after we kissed. I heard rumors and the gossip mill so I didn’t need him to tell me or confirm it. I waited though- I cracked that much, I let myself be taken in that I waited for him oblivious and despite his wisdom and understanding to figure out why she wasn’t school that there were rumors going around and then tell me with the reluctant leash of responsibility at his heels. I ran after that- her promised to do one last thing for me- help me get out of county. I ran but I ran alone, by myself the entire way. 135
59. What do you look for in a potential lover? 136
I don’t look. I mess around at dances but by the next day or so it’s forgotten. Everyone turns a blind eye to the chaos and adrenaline driven hook ups at dances and parties because they are too afraid to draw the spotlight on their own actions because they know and we know they aren’t sinless or innocent. 137
60. How close are you to your family?138
I’m miles away from them but missing the old times- the memories of before Cara’s wedding. I’d be closer to them if I was actually there but no the geniuses who temporarily had influence while Nona was sick thought it would smart to send me away- not that they would know what smart if it hit them in the head. I’m ‘closer’ to my aunt and grandfather than I am to most of the other relatives I’ve lived with or stayed with if you can call what I have in Silverton close. 139
61. Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?140
I feel like it wouldn’t be incredibly hard to decipher this answer from the previous question and others but whatever so no I have not started my own family. I don’t really plan for the future so it’s not exactly on my mind. I don’t really want to though because that would hold me down and with me as a mother that would steal any chance of them having innocence because I can’t control how bad or when my heart starts hurting. If I get a chance to reach for freedom I’m going to stand up tall and take it- I’m not going to hold on to anything in this world to take with me and I don’t have anything or anyone really to leave behind. 141
62. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?142
Myself and my aunt I guess if it wouldn’t mean some cliché corny heart to heart talk in order to get her help. I’m starting to have respect for her- not much but some- she could have bound me to the house, not like I’d listen but she could have tried to and not let me go anywhere since this is ‘a chance I can’t afford to mess up’. She didn’t- I have as much freedom as she has in her power to give her. 143
63. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?144
Myself and barely even that. I’ve failed myself plenty of times- I can’t protect myself from everything. Half the time I have to accept that I am going to get hurt and suck it up and not fall. I’m all I have to count on- who got me out of Miami? Me. Who watched out for me and kept me from sinking beyond a level I could return from? Me. Who has kept me alive and driven me to follow instinct and get out? Me again, what a surprise. Hmm.. So I think the votes are in and yes I trust someone to protect myself- I trust me, simply because I can’t afford to wait for a fairy godmother to come and save me or for god to have the time to save me because the track record is that they don’t save me and no one really wants to. 145
64. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?146
Well, I have gone missing- multiple times and I don’t know how many missed me so much as having class be a little less boring or just thought I was weird. 147
The ‘friends’ I’ve had at other schools would shed a tear at the funeral maybe and cry crocodile tears of pity and gratefulness that it isn’t them but a week or so the show would be over, the curtains would close and they would move on. If someone thought to tell her, Nona would miss me, and my aunt might miss my presence and beautifully crafted sarcastic retorts of my arguments. The police might feel sad but they would feel a little less bone weary at having to come after me all the time and the school system would throw up their hands and say ‘Oops, well we tried. What a sweet kid (lying through teeth) who we valued so much (I’d cut class and teachers would complain about the noise I made leaving class- not the cutting class). 148
65. Who is the person you despise the most, and why?149
Despise is an interesting word- I’d describe my hot flashes of uncontrolled fear waking up from nightmares and the pain that shadows my heart threatening to swallow my soul as having matured to full hatred. Antonio- that scum. Lowly piece of Cazzo. Because of him goose bumps slither across my skin when whispers break me out of my reverie as I zone out in class. Because of him every flaw I have is a million times magnified and more searing and painful to think of. He didn’t just take my virginity with him that night- he stole my future, my innocence, my happiness, anything I might have had- my strength and my purity that night. 150
66. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?151
If someone has a problem with me they are more than welcome to tell about it. If they don’t confront me then I’m not going to acknowledge their pissyness. When people confront me though I’m all fire and fight. I argue a lot- I don’t really pick fights with people so much, I call it intellectually provocative. I do not avoid conflict though when it finds me. I fight hard for what I believe and what I care about. I’m a fighter and I’m not afraid of conflict though I dislike the stupid petty ones. 152
67. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?153
No! Sometimes I have good ideas but people respect the good ideas just because I thought of it first. People don’t follow me though and I wouldn’t want them too. I’m unpredictable and strong willed and stubborn. I follow my own beat and dance to my own rhythm- no one else’s. 154
68. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? 155
Some of the time. I like the thrill of being around a lot of people and just being crazy. I like attention I guess but I don’t do things deliberately for it. I do things for the natural highs- the adrenaline rush and the entertainment factor. If I’m bored I entertain myself. There are times I like being by myself though and not surrounded by people. I need to be alone so I can think and breathe and cry and focus and keeping moving forward156
69. Do you care what others think of you?157
No. I am who I am- so far nobody has been able to change that or break me. Soon as I start caring I let other people control that I am or how I am. I am going to be the way I am and the people who are able to live with that, then great but those that can’t need to get over it and they just won’t be in my life very long. 158
Part 6: Likes And Dislikes 70. What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?159
I love singing- pouring emotion and power into notes that crescendo. I love the feeling as the music ripples through my body and sends chills down my back. I love being outdoors- staring at the sky or hiking and exploring. I love water – anything water- I can stare endlessly at waterfalls, rapids, rivers, and the ocean waves breaking. I will run to it and try to get into the water- I don’t even feel the cold. I can dance in the rain for hours as lightening paints the sky- loving every minute of it. I like reading and writing but when I write too many feelings or thoughts I don’t want to think about come out. I like doing things with colors- I can’t draw for my life but I like mixing colors or comparing. I used to love comparing different colors of beads together. I love eating. 160
71. What is your most treasured possession?161
I have a rosary made of Murano glass from my seventh birthday that my Nona gave a rainbow picture holder and me with me and all my cousins in it from the only time I ever went to Venice. 162
72. What is your favorite color?163
I love all colors- the way they mix and bleed together. I love rainbows and anything colorful. I love glittery things. I love the way it shines in the light.164
73. What is your favorite food?165
I absolutely love Bruchetta, toasted bread with olive oil and garlic salt with tomatoes on top. I could eat it all day. I love pasta with fresh tomatoes and patate IL forno (roasted potatoes)166
74. What, if anything, do you like to read?167
I don’t really read. I don’t have time. There are better things to do. Like being moving and singing and laughing and feeling the sun shine on my face or the drops stain my face with wild beauty or lightening strike above me sounding of danger and power and freedom and instant changing. 168
75. What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? Listening to my music to calm me down- or listening to the music of the storm as lightening and thunder and rain sound . Just being calm and lying outside.169
76. Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit?170
I don’t smoke, though it is really popular in Italy. I think it smells gross though and makes you cough. I’ve tried it but don’t like it. I don’t’ use drugs- they mess with your mind and I don’t like how my body feels. I don’t want to be even more screwed up than I already am. I don’t need that. I drink not beer or vodka, but I drink sweet wines or some wine. 171
77. How do you spend a typical Saturday night? 172
It depends where I am- here I will probably walk to the river or sit and watch the stars if my aunt will let me. Other places I go out to parties and hang out. I’ve gone to the beach at night before- it was insanely pretty. I spend it hanging out with the people who consider me their friends and whom I can tolerate. 173
78. What makes you laugh?174
The stupid really ditzy girls who think everyone is in love with them- I have a hard time keeping a straight face when they say ‘O-M-G~ and other really obnoxious acronyms. I guess they don’t realize how stupid they sound. Really random jokes or the things that people say and don’t mean to be funny- the comments that turn into the greatest inside jokes ever because they were just endlessly random. 175
79. What, if anything, shocks or offends you? 176
Not lot-sad things really don’t shock me. I’m rarely shocked- I don’t have expectations, ever. I just live as full as I can and what happens happens. Racial slurs piss me off though- people use them and I will get really worked up. There just isn’t a need for it and its ridiculous that people use them considering all the racial slurs really hurt people and are all BS. Stereotyping is offensive to me. I absolutely hate the word ‘slut’ because it completely degrades girls who got into a bad decision and a lot of times didn’t get a choice about it or they didn’t know- they shouldn’t be punished for it. I hate ‘That’s so gay’ because is beyond offensive and not only is there nothing wrong with being gay, implying that its stupid by substituting gay for stupid is not only bad grammar but incredibly awful and hurtful.177
80. What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?178
Here, I’d go outside and walk around or I’d lie in the gravel or dirt and watch the stars- I’d etch their picture into my memory.179
180
81. How do you deal with stress? 181
I get out of the house. I throw myself into being a part of nature or listening to music or singing. I sing and make up songs or at night I sit by the window and look out- I’ve always done that. I just watch whatever there are out my window- whether it’s people or a street or its dirt and trees or a lawn and backyard. 182
82. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?183
I never have a plan. What’s the point in having a plan when you could just be completely free, and just act? Act on instincts and follow your heart. It takes away the beauty of what ever you are doing if you plan it. I don’t think I just do.184
83. What are your pet peeves?185
When people say ‘No offense’ and then they insult someone it drives me insane. I want to smack them. The people that talk about each other behind backs and then pretend to be fakey nice in front of everyone else the next day. It’s so stupid and the petty fights never seem to end. It’s a world of drama that is built on lies and hearsay. They are such hypocrites- they are such little nuisances.186
Part 7: Self Images And Etc.187
84. Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted? 188
I wake up at seven thirty- or rather my alarm goes off. I get out of bed at six-20 and turn the alarm off and then lie in bed till my aunt stands outside my room and turns the light on or pours cold water on me to get me up. I take a cold shower than I get dressed and go outside. I walk around the town finding information about hiking trails and learning about the history of the land around here. I do some hiking and walking around and then I go back to the house for lunch. I help my Aunt in the Kitchen if she has lunch break and then I take a notebook out to somewhere different each day and write songs or just fall asleep in the sun. 189
I will catch the buss at 7.10 to go down the mountain to school. I will be spending the school day suffering through boring lectures and holding my head up high and trying to shake things up and make class as interesting as possible for everyone else. Hard questions are fun to ask because I stump the teacher half the time and another point against the whole misconception that all teens are evil, sinful, wrong, immoral, dumb, naïve, irresponsible, uncaring and silly. 190
I don't hold on tight to a routine so if its disrupted it doesn't matter- i just deal with it.191
85. What is your greatest strength as a person?192
I don’t need other people- I stand out (though not enough that my parents remembered me) and I stand strong by myself. To paraphrase a bumper sticker or cliché – I’m sure there are people that would kill to see me fall, so I hold my head up high. I’m not ashamed of who I am. 193
86. What is your greatest weakness?194
I’m not weak- I’m not vulnerable. 195
87. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 196
I wish I could change whatever made my parents decide to abandon me- or make me stand out more so they could have see me. I’d change what made them send me away from Italy so they wouldn’t have done that.197
88. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?198
I’m both- I can be extroverted and out there and crazy, but I can also be introverted and not wanting to be around anyone.199
200
89. Are you generally organized or messy? 201
I’m very messy- I can’t find things if they are organized it seems wrong to me. I’ll organize something but then I’m too lazy to keep it organized, it’s too much work and there are more important things to do like singing or looking outside or lying in the grasses.202
90. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.203
1.Taking care of myself- holding my head up high 204
2. Singing205
3. Languages206
Bad at 207
1. Not hurting 208
2. Being what everyone expects me to be so I just gave up.209
3. Having respect for authority figures- they think they are so high and mighty but they are just as human as the rest of us. 210
91. Do you like yourself? 211
That answer changes constantly.212
92. What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons...) 213
I love to be- I get high off the natural highs- the way the leaves smell as the sun hits them in Autumn the way the sky feels and the way the air smells right before and right after a rain. The feel of raindrops on my skin. If anyone wants to know why I do the things I do- I say because I want to be free- I want to live life to the fullest because life as you know it can be over in a breath, in a second, an in an instant.214
93. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? I want to find freedom- I want to be utterly and completely free- I want to fly or transcend my broken soul. 215
216
94. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?217
I don’t. I don’t think about the future. 218
95. If you could choose, how would you want to die?219
Free, unique, not too messy, tragically beautiful, in nature, with the pain numbed and finally able to stop fighting. 220
96. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. 221
1. Find a lightening storm and dance in the rain. 222
2. Jump into the river and let the current take me where it will223
3. Write a song for the people I am leaving behind224
97. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?225
I want to be remembered for staying true to myself and holding my head up high even as I fall. 226
227
98. What three words best describe your personality?228
Fierce. Impulsive. Creative. 229
99. What three words would others probably use to describe you? 230
Unexplainable, crazy, dangerous231
100. If you could, what advice would you, the protagonist give to your antagonist? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice...)232
(She hasn’t met the antagonist yet, so she still needs to do that but when she meets them then this would be her advice- towards the end of the story.233
“ Be exactly who you want to be with no apologies. Live every second of every minute of every hour as full and to the brim as you can- dance in the rain, smile through your tears, hold your head up high. You don’t need me- you never did. Once you get a hold of your freedom- don’t ever let anyone take it from you- hold on as tight as you can because in the end that’s all you are going to want and all you truly got.”234
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