Life and love

I looked around as my friends went on and on about what they thought about the movie. I didn’t understand what there was to discuss much about the movie, after all it’s just a movie. 1

Nyla was saying beside me “That stupid girl broke the both of them apart. She shouldn’t have said she’d seen Robbie with that Lola girl. Even I could say it was that new business guy. Argh, I just wanted Cecelia and Robbie to end up together.”2

I heard Mia say something but was not bothering to listen much. I was a little disturbed by the movie. “Atonement” had ended quite unexpectedly. But it wasn’t the sad ending that disturbed me. Just then one of the girls popped me a very unexpected question “Hey Ash, what sort of guy do you like?”3

My first thought was how did it go from discussing the movie to discussing guys? But, my mind was still wondering what I found disturbing about the movie that I didn’t check my answer before I said “I dunno. Someone of my size with small hands.”4

The moment I said that I came back to reality. I was appalled I actually said that. I wondered if I should take it back as the girls looked at me in stunned silence. Some started giggling and the rest burst out in spontaneous laughter. I rolled my eyes at them.5

“You were kidding, right Ash?” Nyla asked me when she stopped laughing.6

I considered it for a while and shrugged as I didn’t know if it was the truth in the first place. It would have been best to laugh it off and make a joke of it but for some ridiculous reason I didn’t do that. 7

“No way. Come on Ash, your size with small hands? We are talking guys right?” Sara sneered.8

“Didn’t you ask me what sort of guy I liked?” I asked with barely concealed annoyance. I knew Sara was implying I was talking about a girl. I looked around and was irritated to see some girls looking at me warily while others chuckled. I was having a hard time as it was, trying to evade rumors that I was a lesbian. Some girls who I hadn’t even dreamed were lesbian had tried their moves on me. 9

I wasn’t against lesbians or gays, indeed I am quite supportive of them. But the girls moving on me had been quite unexpected and appalling. I never told my best friend Nyla or anyone for that matter, that a girl had actually dared to kiss me and grope me in the girl’s toilet. I guess I was too ashamed and angry. I remembered being on the verge of tears as I ran out of the toilet. Even now thinking about that scene made my stomach queasy. Now I was wary of even going inside the toilet. Thanks to whoever spread the rumor. 10

My self confidence was crumbling as I realized how people really treated lesbians. Hostile stares, whispers behind the back, I was so fed up of it. If I even was a lesbian maybe I could stand up against it. Truth was, I was straight and whether I wanted to admit it or not, it hurt when guys treated you like you were dirt. 11

“I have to go home. It’s late.” I announced.12

Nyla looked at me and nodded as we parted ways with the other girls, saying our good byes. 13

“Seriously Ash, saying that while Sara was there was really stupid. That would be hot news tomorrow at school.” Nyla started.14

“I don’t care Nyl. I am so fed up and sick of this whole mess. I don’t think I even care anymore if I am called a lesbian. I’ve just had enough of it. I need to focus on my exams and studies instead thinking myself to tears over how others are thinking about me. I am tired of telling them I am not a lesbian, Nyl.” I sighed and something about my dejected sigh prompted her to put her arms around me. 15

“You know, all this would have ended if you had just got enough guts to go and ask a guy out.” She said after a while.16

“So it’s me who’s supposed to go and ask a guy out? Isn’t that supposed to be other way round?” I asked her, pulling away from her.17

Nyla glared at me “You know very well that you blew all your chances. Now you have to ask them out if you want to survive this mess. You screwed up the only date you accepted and that also the fret president. You knew so many eyes were on you when he asked you out. Dylan told me that the fret boys had named you “ice” because you kept refusing all guys even before all this mess started. And then suddenly you accepted Kevin’s date and blew it. I don’t understand why. Kevin is gorgeous, smart, rich and yet you screwed it phenomenally on the first date with him.”18

I was starting to have a headache. I snapped at her angrily “Why don’t you be the perfect date with him then?”19

“Well, I wish it was me. At least I won’t explain circle theorems with trigonometry to him when he tries to kiss me.” She snapped back.20

I opened my mouth to say a rejoinder but snapped it shut. Swapping insults was just not my thing. Instead I started walking away from my only real friend at school. I didn’t even know where I was walking until my feet started aching. I wanted to stop and think but I pushed myself to walk forward until I thought I couldn’t walk one more step without taking a break. I stopped beside a bus stop and as soon as I stopped memories swamped me. 21

I remembered why I had accepted Kevin’s date. He was the only one bold enough to ask me in front of all my friends with all his frat friends watching him. I didn’t want to accept it but it just didn’t feel right to let him down when he asked so confidently in front of everyone. 22

I hadn’t been particularly excited about the date but as the time came closer I had actually started looking forward to it. Maybe it was just the excitement of my friends rubbing on me. The date had even started well. But somewhere when things were supposed to start getting all romantic I lost the mood for it. We were in a secluded part of a moonlit beach. What more could be a mood setter for something romantic? I guess I was very nervous. 23

I was jittery by the way he kept nibbling on my neck. I remembered backing away till we both fell. When he tried kissing my mouth I just suddenly had to explain to him the cosine rule for angles and finding length, in circle theorem. When he looked at me blankly and asked what? I just couldn’t look at him. For some reason even the stars looked like triangles, quadrilaterals, hexagons and curves to me then. 24

I didn’t even realize I had pushed away from him until I saw I was standing and trying to brush the sand off my clothes as if nothing happened. I dared a look at him. He looked astonished as he sat on the sand. I didn’t know what to say as I waited for him to say something. Even laugh would be better than just staring at me as if I had suddenly dropped from the sky. Finally after staring at the water for a long time he said “Let’s get you home.”25

I remember how devastated I was with that statement. I didn’t understand how I could feel sad when all I did was avoid his kisses. The short drive home I didn’t say a thing but kept glancing at him wondering what I could tell him. I bet I had been a big disappointment and that made me sad. I realized I actually liked his kisses but why had I behaved the way I did? I didn’t understand it myself. 26

I knew that under pressure in exams my mind was very sharp and for a moment there my mind had been just like that. But it was for the wrong thing. Perhaps it’s because we were doing circle theorems in class that week. I didn’t want to think about what I did any more because I feared the answer. I wish he forgot that but most probably he was puzzling over that very thing. 27

The car came to a stop and I knew I had to get out. For a while I just wanted to run to my room without looking back. I said “good night” to him and started doing just that until at the last moment I turned around and touched his hand and said “Thanks for tonight.” And hastily before I could second guess myself I kissed his cheek and gave him a smile before I started towards my house. I didn’t look back but as soon as I was in the house I looked through the window. He had looked baffled when I kissed him. He waited there for a while before he started the car and left. I realized I hadn’t even given him time to say “good night” to me. 28

Just like any girl after a date I smiled to myself. I liked how his skin felt against my mouth when I kissed him and I liked his smell. Hugo Boss smelled good on him but I liked his own scent more. I know it might sound weird but everyone has a unique smell. I’d know my family by their smell even if I was blind. I did have a strong sense of smell. 29

Then I scowled again as I tried recalling his kiss. I hadn’t even opened my mouth to let him kiss me. Worse, I wasn’t sure I remembered much about that kiss when I remembered in full detail everything about him from the quick kiss I gave him. I remembered the feel of his unshaved cheek against my lips and the strong jaws. What was wrong with me? I didn’t want to think much about that or the blunder I made that night. As enthusiastic as I was about circle theorems with him, I had no interest doing the Advanced Maths homework that night and I couldn’t believe I actually thought of a guy before going to sleep.30

My happiness was short lived though. The next day when I went to school everyone was whispering behind me. Everyone knew of my date and two days later people started speculating I was a lesbian. I came out of the memories when the bus pulled up beside me. 31

As soon as I got home I turned off my mobile phone and got into the bed without changing my clothes. Somehow I ended up in a restless sleep. The dream this time was different. This time I was the little girl Briony in the movie “Atonement” and I was seeing the scene where Robbie made love to Cecelia in the study. Just like in the movie Briony got scared witnessing that, I was scared too. I could feel I was trembling and crying. But unlike the movie I was sitting under a table and covering my eyes and unlike the movie Robbie turned around, looked at me and tried to grab me from under the table. Also Robbie was wearing a full combat military uniform suddenly. 32

I woke up gasping and shivering. I had to go to my dad, I thought as I ran out of my room and tried getting inside the master bedroom. As soon as I opened the door I closed it and berated myself. I was a seventeen years old. And my parents were sleeping now. Why did I have to run to dad when I see that nightmare? Get a grip on yourself, I kept telling myself but my brain was merciless as it started recalling everything in clear detail. 33

I remember I was in kindergarten then but I don’t remember my exact age. I was a skinny brat who was always creating mischief and getting into places where I wasn’t supposed to be. I remember my neighbor had a huge TV and she was always watching action movies with a big gang. I loved those movies but for some reason my parents only showed me cartoons. So every night when my mom and dad went out after making sure I was sleeping, I sneaked out and went to the neighbour’s house and hid under the table to watch the movie. I knew my parents never came in time a movie finishes, so I knew I was safe.34

That night though things didn’t go as safely as I thought. I was so entranced watching Arnold kill the villains when suddenly someone bellowed and the TV was quickly switched off. Everyone started filing out of the room and I looked panic stricken as I realized I couldn’t get out without them seeing me. Except for the woman who was ironing clothes everyone left and someone closed the door and latched the bolt. I looked around for the window which was my next exit route and was thinking of making a hasty exit when I heard something loud fall on the floor and then a hissing sound and a sickening sound that I still don’t know. 35

When I looked I saw the woman had fallen on the floor and the hot iron had fallen on her hand. She had cried out “mama” for some reason. I was very scared and she was crying in gulps and gasps, sobbing loudly as she removed the iron from her hand. I didn’t hear any sound but I could never forget how it looked when she removed the iron. It was like removing chewing gum stuck on a wall. I covered my eyes then and whimpered. 36

As soon as she removed it, black combat boots came into view and kicked her in the stomach. It was a rough male voice calling all sorts of names at her. He pulled her up by the hair and slapped her face so many times I lost count. She was begging him for mercy and crying in an unnatural animalistic voice “Please, oh god, don’t do this to me.”37

“Shut up whore.” The man was roaring and suddenly he let her go and removed the heavy buckled belt. 38

“Come here. On your knees.” He demanded hitting her with the buckle of the belt on her back. He grabbed her by the throat and then pulled her against his groin. As a kid I thought he was suffocating her because she kept gagging and he kept pumping against her mouth. Only later would I know that he had forced her to suck him. I thought she was drooling when she fell back against the floor. 39

It wasn’t enough for the man. He pulled the belt around her neck like a dog collar and started making her walk on her knees, like a dog. I was too shocked by it all. Then suddenly he was ripping her clothes. I remember being shocked by seeing her breasts as I’ve never seen my mom without clothes. I remember thinking she looks very fat when normally she looked thin. 40

I remember him hitting her back and she was screaming all the time when he grabbed her so harshly by the hair and pulled her up against the wall the same way Robbie pulled up Cecelia against the book case in “Atonement”. She was screaming from whatever he was doing to her. I thought he was trying to break her arms by holding her up with her arms. I wasn’t looking anymore. I was just peering through my fingers. He was still insulting her. The woman stopped screaming and I was sure she was dead. 41

Then I got scared that he would come looking for me. I remember my heart feeling like it was coming out of my ribs with every beat and I was so terrified it took me a while to realize the man had left the room. I don’t know how long I just sat there but somehow I had got myself out of that house into my own bed. 42

I was crying when my parents found me. I remember my dad pulling me into his arms and kissing my hair and saying things softly. He thought I had a nightmare. I had a death grip on him as he took me to the bathroom and bathed me. I just didn’t want to let him go for even a second. For some reason I believed if I let him go the other man would come and take me away.43

I had apparently peed when I saw what happened in my neighbour’s house. I kept crying and telling my dad I’d never do anything without his permission even though he had no idea what I was talking about. I was sure I saw that because I was a bad girl. My dad kept calling me endearments and telling me I was the best girl in the world. I remember him rocking me to sleep against his shoulder. I would forever remember him as my hero from that night. 44

Whether he knew it or not whenever he got angry at me and started shouting at me, that night stilled my tongue from saying anything against him. It made me angry at myself that I even made him angry in the first place. No matter what he does to me, I would forever be grateful for him for caring for me that night.45

I realized I had gone back to bed instead of disturbing my parents like I used to as a kid when I had that nightmare. I had developed wetting my bed then with that dream but thankfully I stopped it when I was seven. I hoped I could completely get that out of my mind but truly I just couldn’t. I couldn’t trust a man bigger than me not to hurt me and then there was that deep anger. 46

The fear in later years had turned to anger but I am not sure who I am angry at. The only man I trusted was my father but I realized I didn’t feel threatened by smaller men of my size either. With bigger men the problem was at first I feel threatened but it easily turns to fury that I throw out hostile vibes the moment a male bigger than me steps into my personal space. 47

I know I go berserk at seeing any police officer in combat uniform. I have to grit my teeth and refrain from growling but thankfully I try to imagine they don’t exist as soon as I spot one of them and they never approach me either. But I’ve seen surprise in some of their eyes when I completely ignore them because they are not used to being ignored. I hope I never get stopped by them. 48

I know I just can’t stop them from seeing the venom inside because honestly there are times when I wanted to see one of them treated the same way as that woman was treated that night. Maybe if I acted it out the hatred and anger would go out. But honestly I could never do that because I hate the very thought of even hurting an insect. 49

Anyway, the next day I faced everyone at school. I know some people must have thought me a drama queen but I challenged anyone to dare come forward and say what they wanted to my face instead of whispering behind my back. I was afraid inside that someone would indeed make a big joke of my bravery and bring me to tears. But nothing happened. There was only silence as everyone watched me in stunned silence. From then on till I finished school people got silent the moment I entered the class. I hated it but it was better than the constant whispering. 50

I just wish I can stop the whispers in my head just enough to find someone to love on my own. I’ve seen a counselor unofficially but no matter how many times anyone says big men are harmless I just don’t believe it in my heart though I knew in my head that it must be true. 51

Nowadays if I see a bigger man who happens to be actually nice, I end up matching him up with one of my friends. I wish I could feel something in me enough to hold someone as my own. Maybe I would be destined to spend my life doing academic research. I loved it but at times, when I get lonely I wished I had someone to love me too, someone to see behind my flaws and try to pull me out of the shell I couldn’t get out by myself, but really such a thing exists only in stories, not in reality.52