One Dark Night ...

Ryan Parker cursed. And sneezed. And cursed again.1

“Fucking shit ...” he muttered under his breath – wiping his nose. “Stupid – stupid – stupid ...”2

It wasn't just the nose that was bothering him. It was more like a combination of his nose, the dark night around him that insisted on spooking him mildly, the fact that it was a freaking -4 degrees ... all in all, Parker was not in the best of moods.
3

In fact, he was in such a tiff that if you were to tap him on the shoulder and cry “Boo!” into his ear, he would turn around and most likely beat you to death. It was extremely lucky, therefore, that no young enterprising Halloween trick-and-treaters had attempted to trick-or-treat him.
4

A can clanked along an alleyway adjacent to the path he was walking on, blown along by the gust of wind.
5

Parker tightened up his windbreaker and muttered mutinously to himself. He was late. That stupid ass of a bus driver had forgotten to stop at his halt, and had driven on for quite the mile before realizing his mistake. Now he was late for his own Halloween party. He shook his head.
6

A draught of wind whispered past – caressing his cheek with cold fingers, reaching down into the gap between windbreaker and neck, chilling him. Flipping up his collar, he cast a glance around, and checked his watch.
7

1130PM
8

Shit. He was already half an hour late.
9

Walking on, head down, musing on the injustices of this crazy world, he didn't notice the woman until he'd passed her.
10

Breaking stride for an instant, he whipped his head around, looking back the way he'd come. The path was bare, save for some leaves strewn around. But ... he had been sure he'd ...
11

Screw it, he thought. The night's playing cheap tricks on me. It must have been a figment of his imagin -
12

Wait – what?
13

There she was. He wasn't dreaming it this time ... she stood a little further down the footpath, a silent presence, face shadowed by the trees lining the road, clad in what looked like a dark coat.
14

Parker halted for a while, uncertainty clouding his mind. What was she doing there? Just standing like that ... almost ... almost as if she was waiting for him. Waiting for him ...
15

He hastened his pace – walking swiftly to the waiting figure.
16

Suddenly, a branch snapped just above his head – he jumped, startled and looked up into the dark boughs of the tree, and he heard something flapping away. Darned owls ...
17

But as he began to walk forward again, the woman was gone. Disappeared. Vanished.
18

Puzzled, he looked around the deserted road, and behind him. Nothing. It was as if she had never been there – but damnit, that was preposterous, he knew full well she had been right there, standing, waiting for him.
19

“... Ryan ...” The whisper touched his ear, rooting him to the spot. “... Come to me ...”
20

She was standing right next to him.
21

His first thought was not 'How in the hell did she get over here?” but that she was ... in a word ... beautiful.
22

A heart shaped face, aquiline nose, and tapered brows over a pair of scintillating gray-green eyes. Her hazel brown hair fell about her shoulders in luxurious curls. The leather outfit she was wearing accentuated her sizable assests, and as Parker inhaled, he could smell a fragrance ... earthy – smoky.
23

“Sit down, won't you, darling ...” She steered him, as if in a dream, to a parkbench that he hadn't noticed was there. “I've been waiting for one such as you ...”
24

He laughed – a weak laugh. “Here I am, then -”
25

“Indeed,” she said, a smile curling her sensual lips. She stroked the side of his face gently. And then, in one fluid motion, she leaned in and kissed him.26

Parker felt as if he'd just attained nirvana. Her lips and tongue probed his, her scent filled his nostrils, and he kissed her back, lost in the pleasures of her saffron taste. He felt as if he was on fire – his neck flushed, his senses heightened, as the woman kissed him.
27

Drawing back, she smiled once more at him, licking her lips provocatively.
She drew closer. Nibbled at his ear ... and a sleek hand reached down to his trousers, unbuttoned him, and held him in her hand.
28

He gasped – Holy mother of -
29

She stroked him, and leant in closer, jacket halfway undone, her velvet flesh caressing his ...
30

And then, as his breathing heightened, as his body suffused with heat, she leaned over to his ear, licked it and whispered, “Goodbye, Ryan Parker ...”
31

And she was gone.
32

He jerked out of his pre-orgasmic bliss abruptly, and looked around stupidly, his manhood exposed, trouser around his knees.
33

Where had she gone? Parker stood, hitching up his trousers, and then, in the same moment as he turned around, a heavy weight slammed into him.34

He was bowled right over,  hitting the concrete footpath with a thud that knocked all his breath out of him.
35

A large shape loomed over him, and he heard a low growl – an animal growl – tinged with rage and hate – and filled with bloodlust.
36

“Oh Jesus -”
37

He barely had time to invoke the name of the God he occasionally believed in, before the monster chomped down on his leg. Parker screamed, screamed so loud that he thought all of the Eastern seaboard could have heard it – but no one came.
38

The animal swung its head, leg still grasped firmly between its jaws, and Parker flew, hitting the brick wall on the opposite side of the road – and his head cracked itself on the brick. Pain thudded through him as he slumped – and then he realized what he was missing.
39

His entire left leg was still in the creature's mouth.
40

He screamed then, but it was no use – his throat was raw and parched, and he could do nothing but stare helplessly at his hip, as dark red blood gushed out in torrents.
41

And, most horrifying of all, he couldn't feel any pain.
42

Oh god, let me die now – Please, let me DIE!!!
43

The monstrosity advanced, emerging into the light, and Parker saw it – but had no time to yell again before it took his other leg. Crying now, tears falling rapidly, he screamed and yelled and beat his hands against his head, willing himself to die, to feel but there was nothing. Nothing – he only knew his legs were missing because he was staring at the monster gorging itself on them.
44

Help me!! Help me!! Let me DIE!!! Oh god --
45

Immense, but not bulky – with a lean tough rawhide look about it, the creature advanced, evil red-yellow eyes gleaming in its narrow head. Its powerful front legs tore into Parker's torso, claws ripping through flesh, guts and bone, tearing out a goodly part of his stomach and liver.
46

Tossing it almost nonchalantly into its mouth, the creature chewed, an insolent look in its eyes as blood dripped from between its lips – His Blood!!!
The worst part was he wasn't fucking dying!! He couldn't get this over with - He screamed, he swung his head against the wall in helpless fury, trying to crack his skull open, trying to end it – to kill himself so he wouldn't have to watch his own body being taken apart, piece by piece, and not feeling it -
47

Why? What had he done? Why him?
48

Ryan Parker gasped, as the creature tore into him again, and he stayed alive just in time to see the creature extricate his beating heart, red and pulsing and covered in a thin film of rich dark blood, out of his chest, and chew it slowly, as a gourmet would savour a fine meal -
49

And then, finally ... blissful darkness.50

*51

The woman appeared from behind the shadows of the trees, and the animal bounded to her side.
52

Licking her fingers, the animal made a low growling sound in the back of its throat – purring in pleasure.
53

She knelt and ruffled its ear.
54

“Well, Baro? You've had your fun ... now – to work.”55

*56

They disappeared from the light, leaving the remains of the late and as yet unlamented Ryan Parker - one, single, shiny, shin bone.
57

A contest entry

Well? Do I suck at my first attempt at spooky stuff?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Friesian
    December 22, 2008

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    OMG!!

    Amazing~!!! There are things I never would've expected!!! Really deep, descriptive, humorous, beautiful, hot writing! Excellent job! I found it rather funny! XD

  • Hatshepsut
    December 14, 2008

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    Uhmm....no way!

    This in no way 'sucked'! This is a great story! Your writing is very descriptive and you managed to create a very spooky atmosphere. You really do have a wonderful knack for descripion! I could see everything as it happened. And I love that you really left me wanting to know more! Who was this mysterious woman, and why had she been waiting for one such as he? What was it about him? And why didn't he feel anything? Was it just shock, or is there something more....?

    I hope you expand on this, obviously not with Parker--since he died--but maybe with another potential victim as the main character. Then perhaps we can find out some answers to these questions.

    The only 'error'that I found was in P 30: She stroked him, and leant in closer, jacket halfway undone, her velvet flesh caressing his ...

    --I think that should read leaned.

    Anyhow...this was really well done!


    • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ Moderators member
      December 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I see you kept your word Thanks for the comment and applause!
      I dunno, this wasn't really meant to be expanded on, just wanted to write something macabre in nature ...

      Thanks again.

      RJ

  • Gary Alexander
    December 14, 2008

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    No...Doesn't "Suck"...

    I found the story pretty nicely done...but there were a few inconsistent points I'd like to note. Now this MAY be SOMEWHAT subjective...but I don't think so. My ear, my inner ear, is pretty good...even if I cannot substantiate all of this with "rules" from writer's handbook!: I was, in the end, disturbed by an inconsistency and a switch in POV (Point of View). It would be difficult, although I'm sure I could take the time to go through this again and find the exact places...(but it's better that YOU do it) to point out just WHERE your character's voice is unmistakably third person...and not narrator. Take, for example, P9. This is coming from Parker's head! He is THE MAJOR CHARACTER! (P12..."playing tricks on ME!") Difficult to explain...but this is PARKER'S story! It is therefore difficult to accept the ending as not being somewhat misleading. Listen...I'm not doing a great job at conveying this...but just be aware and see if you can fix it. It isn't cricket to off your major character while he is ensconced in HIS POV! lol!
    SOME of this IS narrator POV...but some of it takes on a DIFFERENT POV...a DIFFERENT Voice! Not being "picky" here...I just think the story is worth fixing this up. The voice and POV MUST be CONSISTENT.
    Also fix: P14...further = farther (farther for physical distance)
    P15 and P27...use "were" instead of "was" when in this "as if" conditional mode.
    P23...typo...ASSETS (you have something else!)
    But interesting job...I'd also try to ascribe a little more thematic import and significance to this tale.... It seems to be begging that!
    GA

  • Oblivion Kitty God
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting. It's... unusual for you, of course. But, I think I like that. You did pretty good with it all. Great work, RJ. Sorry about not being able to give you a fancy trophy, but there weren't enough entries. Anyway, good work and keep on truckin'!

  • Dreama
    November 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh well done! by far the best i have read so far in my contest and this was really well written!
    thanks for entering!

  • Dun
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hey Randy,

    I thought it was good. I liked the detail setting the stage and how you ease into the happenings while building a sense of mystery. Mood of the reader is the best thing to manipulate and you do it well with mystery, then relaxation and pleasure, then "BAM" there's nothing left but a shin bone. Writing is about manipulating the reader's emotions to the end you desire and you do that here well. I wanted more of the why, but this is a good intro that piques curiosity and runs the reader through a gamut of emotion. Mr. Halloween Party hoster got his climax, only not the one he expected. I hear death is a high, but Mr. Shinbone might beg to differ, eh? This was a good story, Randy. Short and right to the action with no more than necessary to achieve it's purpose. It was fun to read.

    al


  • GrimDeath
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, amazing detail and plot. You defintly don't suck at your first attempt.

  • Bernice DeLucchi
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Shew, what an imagination you have!
    I enjoyed your story. Well written, a little heavy-handed with the adverbs and adjectives (especially describing the womean - but that's only my opinion); sometimes this can spoil a story.
    A few suggestion:
    7th paragraph - I think should read; ..... windbreaker and his neck chilled him. As it is, the sentence reads a little clumsy.
    31st lije - Instead of writing And all of a sudden she was gone. I'd rather say .. She was gone.
    I would incorporate the last sentence into the previous one so that it reads thus = They disappeared for the light, leaving the remains of the late and as yet unlamented Ryan Parker - a single, shiny shin-bone. As one and single mean the same, thus making the sentence redundant.
    Regards
    Bernice

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