All Becasue of Faith (Ch. 5)

CHAPTER FIVE1

I don’t think I realized Matthew was dead until about two weeks later, I had went to the funeral, I had cried, I had attended the wake and seen to his parents needs. I had done everything one would do once losing their ex-fiancé, but I just kept grasping at straws when I really tried to see that he wouldn’t come back.2

The day it hit me, I had left the office and had a horrible day. I decided to go talk to Matthew because under any circumstances, he could always cheer me up. I pulled up at the cemetery and walked along the row of headstone until I got to his marker. There were tons of flowers around and the dirt covering him was still new. I sat down beside his grave and looked up towards God. I looked back at My Matt, the Matt that I would never know again. That’s when I realized it. Oh my God, I thought, Matthew is dead, My Matt is dead!! I don’t remember exactly how long I was there, I don’t remember crying, but when John found me after dark, I felt my eyes swelling and my cheeks burning. 3

“I thought I ‘d find you here,” John said plopping beside me on the ground. “How you doin’ beautiful?”4

“Honestly, B? I don’t know. I loved Matt, he was one of my best friends and now...” I paused, I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, it would be too real. 5

Jonathan wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I fell against his chest. Even though it didn’t bring Matt back, it did ease the pain a little. I thought very seriously about telling him what had happened the night Matt died, then I decided better of it. Erin was already horribly worried about me, I didn’t want to give John the idea I might be crazy, too.6

We sat there about, oh thirty, maybe forty-five minutes, before John insisted that I needed nourishment. Normally I would have argued this point, but tonight, I was too tired. Tonight, I was just too ready to lay down beside Matthew and never get up. I didn’t though. What I did do, is let Jonathan follow me to the nearby Pizza place for dinner. I didn’t say anything while he ordered for us. I wouldn’t have said anything at all, had he not started to strike up conversation as soon as the waiter left. Damn him.7

“Talk to me,” He said taking my hand across the table.8

“About?”9

“Jenna, Come on, I know you’re in pain, but bottling it up isn’t going to help you any.” Talk about pissing a person off.10

“Look, I’m the psych major, I know what is and is not good for my mental and emotional health. I’m fine Jonathan. Now can we please quit talking about this.”11

“No, we can not quit talking about this. You haven’t been yourself since the accident. I know you cared about him but this cannot take over your life.” I knew he was concerned, but I just didn’t care.12

“Matt has only been dead a couple of weeks, Jonathan.” I snapped not willing to look at the man I was treating so hatefully.13

“But everyone else is getting on with Life, Jen. So why are you different? Why can’t you move on?”14

“Because! I am tired of losing the people I love. I should not have had to lose him, too.”15

“No one likes it when a loved one dies, Jen. It’s just part of life.”16

He really did not understand this. I was hurt, scared, and damn right pissed off. I knew it was normal for people to die. I had experienced death my whole life, but Matt’s death was simply not fair. Especially when I brushed him off that night when he appeared to me.17

“You don’t get it, you just don’t get it.” I got up from the table and left the restaurant, thankful we had taken our own cars. 18

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I was too stressed to sleep and to angry to try. About two a.m. I got up walked into the kitchen for a late night snack, I had just opened the refrigerator and stuck my head in when a not-so-subtle grunt took me three feet off the ground. The fridge slammed shut as I turned and looked into the breakfast nook. Straddling the chair nearest the kitchen sat none other than Matthew Hart. My first instinct was to scream, was to alert Erin, but in the blink of an eye Matthew was at my side with his icy palm over my mouth.19

“Teddy, now I have come for a reason, so shush!” Matt cautioned before taking a seat on the counter top.20

“Matty! Wh- What are..what are you doing here?” I asked as my heart began to seize to a thump- thump instead of the momentary bam-bam of before.21

“You have to move on Teddy, That Jonathan guy knows what he’s talking about. I’m gone–” 22

“What are you talking about? You’re right in front of me.”23

“Jenna, be serious. I’m a ghost! I only came here because I’ve been worried about you. Now, Teddy Angel,  This grieving is rather unhealthy. And since you’re to stubborn to listen to your mortal lover, listen to your dead one.” I stared at Matt not taking in a word of what he was saying. He was here right in front of me and he did not look like any ghost I had ever seen.24

“What experience do you have to compare me with?” I can not believe it! The nerve of him, to read my thoughts! How rude could one get? 25

“I can’t help reading them, You’re practically screaming them at me.” Matthew said cooly, lighting a cigar with a match that I couldn’t see. 26

“Oh, Matthew!” I grumbled, “Why did you have to leave?” I was trying hard not to cry but finding it difficult. I loved My Matty so much and I needed him there to call on. 27

“I can’t stay long, Teddy, but I need to know you understand a few things.” 28

“First answer me this, why me?”29

“What do you mean?”30

“Why are you coming to me? Why aren’t you with your mom or Catherine, your fiancé.” I asked sitting down beside him on the counter. I got back down after only a brief second because he was as cold as ice and the chill was radiating around his corpse.31

“I do adore Cat, and I miss my mom a lot, too, but they are both dealing with their grief really well. You, on the other hand, are not.” He must of been reading my mind again, because he added, “I know you think you know best because this is your field of expertise, but I think after being dead and all, I do know a little about mourning ones death.”32

“Cocky,” I mumbled.33

“No, just right.”34

“Well, Matthew, oh great and mighty one, let’s say I died, would you just pick up your life and move on like my existence meant nothing to you? I mean, since this is so unhealthy, what do you recommend?” I shifted all my weight to my left foot and crossed my arms over my chest. I hoped this look would hide the pain I was actually feeling.  It didn’t work, tears brimmed over my eyes and I began to shake with sobs.35

Matthew was immediately at my side, though this did no good since he wasn’t a solid mass. After a couple of minutes I collected myself and sat down at the kitchen table. 36

I knew I needed to get my act together and I knew that I wasn’t being fair, after all I wasn’t the only one that had lost Matthew, yet I was the only one who couldn’t put her life back together. 37

“How Matty? Just tell me how.”38

“I can’t tell you how, Teddy. We all deal with death in separate ways. My parents moved out of state and Cat has buried herself in her schoolwork. Then there’s you, you aren’t facing it. I’ve come here to tell you something Teddy-Angel.”39

“What is it, Matty?”40

“Don’t let him go, Jenna. Jonathan loves you in a way that I couldn’t  imagine and you are taking full advantage of him. I know that you aren’t meaning to, but if you don’t come to terms and leave me in the past, then he won’t be in your future. I don’t want you to wake up one morning and realize all you have is a career or a convenience marriage because you let Jonathan get away. I don’t want to be the reason for that.”41

“Oh, I mean, Matty-”42

“Jen? Who are you talking to?” Erin asked as she walked through the kitchen doorway.43

“No–”44

“ARGH!!!” Erin screamed as Matthew walked out of the shadows.45

“Rin, Rin calm down... It’s just Matthew.”46

This was no use on my part, she couldn’t breath. She sat there choking and gasping and next thing I knew Matthew was giving her some sort of crazy breathing treatment when he couldn’t even give me a hug. Was I really jealous of a dead man? 47

“Jen...get her some water,” Matthew said sitting her down at the table. I did what I was told and sat down opposite him and helped her get the water down. After a couple of minutes she began to breath at a pace somewhat like normal and downed the last of the water. 48

“Ma..Matthew...you-you’re supposed to be...dead” Erin said between ragged breaths.49

“Oh, I am, honey. I just needed to talk to Jen so, ya know.”50

“No, I’m afraid I don’t.  Jen, is there really a dead man standing in our kitchen?”51

“Yeh, babes. There is.” I smiled at her and squeezed her knuckle, “I’m sorry to give you such a scare, but I told you I had seen him.”52

“Well, ladies, I gotta be leaving, I only had a set amount of time to be here.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug. “I love you, Teddy Angel” He whispered and then...Matthew was gone. I would never see him again.53

“Oh Jenna.” Erin wrapped her arms around me and we let go of all the pain Matthew’s death had brought on us. I sat up after about an hour and wiped away the last of the tears. Erin just sat there for a few minutes and stared at me, after I started to feel morbid of this, she spoke. 54

“How can you do it?”55

“Do what?”56

“How can you just pick up and move on this way? Like Matthew was never here.” 57

“Are you blind? He was here because I wasn’t moving on. I don’t have a choice in this, Rin. Like Matt said, If I don’t get over him, I could ruin my life. Jonathan is there, now. I’m not being fair to him.”58

“Yeh, has Jonathan given you any rings, yet?”59

“FYI, Rin, John and I have only been seeing each other about two months, now. I wouldn’t except any rings he were to give me right now.”60

“Because you know that Matthew wouldn’t want you to.”61

“Are you completely out of it? Matt just stood here and said I needed to let myself  love John. He flat said that John and I had something special and I would be an idiot to let him go.”62

“He did not!”63

“Oh, and you were in the hallway listening to our conversation?”64

“No, but–”65

“Then how in the hell would you know? Erin, just go to bed!” I turned around and walked into my bedroom. 66

I lay in bed for about five minutes when I heard a rap on the door and saw Erin’s head peek around the corner, “Can I come in?”67

“Sure” 68

She sat down beside me and took one of my hands in both of hers. “I had no right to tell you what to do. You’re right, Mtthew is gone, I think. And Jonathan is a great guy who deserves a chance.” 69

“I know! Erin, I will always care about Matthew and I am not trying to disrespect his memory, but I can’t live with death for the rest of my life. There are people here on the living plain that want to know that I’m okay. I haven’t been okay, and it’s time I realize that he is dead.”70

“Do we have to?”71

“I think so, people are getting angry.”72

“What people”73

“Well, there was the dead man in our kitchen earlier.”74

“He was mad?”75

“Just a little,” I said holding up my thumb and fore finger. Erin tried not to smile, but after a second we were both lying on our sides shrieking with laughter. It felt good to laugh.76