An agonizing scream passed through my lips as a sharp metal like object sliced through my skin, muscle and bone right below my left collarbone. I have never felt anything like this or the scene that was happening around me. The car was rolling down the mountainside, my best friend no words or sounds could be heard from him if he was even still in the vehicle with me. A second sharp burning sensation cuts across my chest and right arm, then all is silent and I am sure the car has stopped finally. 1
Seconds before the accident I remember Aj was messing with the radio then all I could see were bright white high beams heading right for us; I slammed on the brakes and skidded sideways, but I wasn’t fast enough. They slammed into us, cracking glass and crunching metal all around then we went over the edge. I heard a siren in the distance than I began to fade in and out. At one point I can hear men all around me shouting, then I hear more metal crunching and I screamed as the object in my collarbone burned like acid. The rest are just dark images surrounding me trying to keep me awake. The darkness was like an abyss calling my name, calling me to join it.2
Upon waking all I can feel at first is a horrible burning sensation through out my body, I tried opening my eyes; but there was only darkness. I moved my right hand, well at least a finger, which rubbed against a warm hand. I tried to speak but nothing came out due to the tube in my throat. I could hear machines beeping and sobbing in the distance, and a deep voice as well.3
“It’s natural for there to be some muscle twitching during his current state,” the voice said as the sobbing got louder and a warm tear dropped on my hand. Who ever this person was I already couldn't stand them, I moved my thumb across the back of the hand that held my tightly.4
“Doctor, you call this twitching? He's rubbing the back of my hand,” the person said, holding my hand. I wasn’t sure who it was since everything sounded so far away at first.5
“Gavril, if you are awake keep rubbing the back of your sister’s hand,” the doctor said. I kept rubbing my sister’s hand, hoping they will realize that I am awake; I felt more tears hit my hand.6
“Very good, now can you to move your toes,” They asked. I tried my hardest, but from the tears of joy that were rolling down her face and then the emotional sob escaped her mouth followed by her head plopping down next to my hand that my hardest try did not work.7
My simple joy just to be alive just turned into a living nightmare. “Gavril, I am going to remove the tube, so on the count of three I want you to cough. One, two…three.” I coughed and felt the tube slide out of my mouth which also caused intense pain throughout. Although I hadn’t seen my sister yet, I smiled at her. She busted into tears, shaking the whole bed.8
I spoke in a soft deep voice, “Shhh, everything will be alright Alex;” this only caused her to cry more. I had no idea if everything was alright; I had no clue why I couldn’t see, why everything burned or why I couldn’t move my toes. The only thing that I knew was that my entire life was just turned upside down within a blink of an eye. “Where is Aj, Alex?” Alex just cried gripping my hand tighter. I knew that was no good; not that anything in my life was good. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to forgive myself if anything happened to him.9
Author notes
Kinda wrote this in the randomly let me know what you think.
"when the going gets tough, eat bagels!"
A contest entry
- Touch Me! (Not a erotic type of contest) lol by Artificial.Smiles..
100 points, ended November 2, 2008, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
875 points, ended July 17, 78 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Ooh, car crashes suck. I've had my experiences with a fair share of them (only one of which I was in, but I still have been affected by others). This is very sad. You did a good job with this, despite the length.
So thanks for entering, and good luck in the contest!
Style: 8/10
Flow: 9/10
Uniqueness: 3/5
Readability: 6/7
Effect: 7/10
Lack of Errors: 2/3
Personal Score: 3/5
Total: 38/50 -
This was a really touching story. The grammar seemed to be a bit off at times but that didn't take too much away from it. I could almost feel the burning and suffering myself. The tears from the sister were so easy to visualize. It must be extremely hard to watch somebody you love more than life itself suffer. I'm curious as to what happened to AJ. I can't get over how truly amazing this was. You have one hell of a talent, I won't even lie. =]
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Umm ouch!
That first paragraph was brutal. The whole past and present tense always confuses me though. Did he die? That's horrible
Really well written; it made me squirm!
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I want to read more of this so you should keep writing it. You sort of mess up with the past tense using present tense. I am guessing that AJ is dead, which is quite sad to know.
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There is a second part to this story i am not saying yet wether or not Aj is dead.
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A sad tale you weaved, Grim. I am wondering if there will be a part two, since you sort of left me hanging. He's dead, isn't he? D***!
This was such a moving, beautiful story that brought tears to my eyes. It's like life, though: one minute, you're changing the station; the next minute, you're a goner. *sighs*
I noticed some things that will help improve the grammar and whatnot of the story, so I'll be IMing you.
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Thanks for the comment; and there is a part two of this story.
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I loved the details and beautifully word choice! I wish you'd won the contest. I don't have any proofreading or grammical errors for you! I really liked it. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you for the comment. Glad you liked it. There is a part 2 now
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Hmmm... I would like to read more =]
I do belive that you switched tense somewhere, so watch out for that
Good job, it wasa good readbeginning: 5, language: 2, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Very emotional
Great starting idea you have here! It definitely drew me in and kept me reading. I really like your descriptions, and you have a strong idea. However, the little mistakes kept distracting me, and so now I'm going to help you with them.
Be careful that you stick to the past tense. You switch tenses a lot in this piece. For example, in paragraph one, you put, "I have (had) never felt anything like this or the scene that was happening around me."
"...my best friend no words or sounds could be heard from him if he was even still in the vehicle with me.1" (You might want to take a look at the first half of the sentence.)
"...then all is silent and (I) am sure the car has stopped finally.1"
"...but I wasn’t fast enough(. T)hey slammed into us.2"
"Cracking glass and crunching metal all around then we went over the edge.2"
"I move(d) my right hand, well at least a finger, which rub(bed) againsted (against) a warm hand. I (tried) to speak (but) nothing came out due to the tube in my throat.3"
"Who ever this person was I already (couldn't) stand them4"
“Doctor, you call this twitching(?) He(')s rubbing the back of my hand,” the person said(,) holding my hand.
"I kept rubbing my sister’s hand(,) hoping they will realize that I (was) awake; I felt more tears hit my hand.6"
“Gavril(, I) am going to remove the tube(,) so on the count of three I want you to cough. One, two…three(.)” I coughed8"
"Although( )I (hadn't) seen my sister yet(,) I smiled at her.8"
"I (had) no clue why I couldn’t see9"
"Aj my best friend am not sure if I could ever forgive myself if something horrible happened to him.9" (Definitely need to change this sentence. Maybe change it to something like: "I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to forgive myself if anything happened to him."
Overall great job, and I'm looking forward to more!
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thank you so much, that helps alot.
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No problem
. Glad I could help!
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Great Job, the description and emotion in this story worked well together. The reader could feel the horror your Gavirl felt. everthing that needed fixed has already been mentioned.. Except, maybe paragraph (2) could read a little more smoothly.??????
It is a wonerful piece of work, keep writing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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thank you! I think I really need some one to edit my stuff because no matter how much I read it I have a hard time finding the things wrong with it.
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I'm the same way.I think it's because after reading our own work for the hundreth time, the words seem to blend. And you can't see the mistakes.
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good work. it sounds horrific and you did a good job portraying that in your descriptions.
I saw a few punctuation errors but really not a big deal.
enjoyed the read
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Nice!
This was really great. I like how it was short and sweet, and you managed to savor the little details. I liked it a lot!
Good Luck in my Contest!
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You caught my intrest now what?
You changed tense in para 2 make it a little hard understand. Have you ever been in this type of sitting on one side or the other?
Anther point is smell plays a big part. The spining in your head after a wreak continues for a long time after you wake up.
Koraganbeginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thank you, sorry for changing tense I try not to do it, but happens a lot. I never been in an accident this bad before but I can just imagine. I am working on a second part, but am a little busy to finish it just yet.
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i like the emotion in it, as well as the suspense. it caught my eye and kept me reading throughout the wole thing. good job
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Thanks am glad you liked it.
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I loved the descriptions throughout the entire story. The part where the main character are in the car crash was so realistic and vivid that I could hear the sound of the crunching metal, and the glass! I was like..
wow!
Throughout the middle however, I did get a little confused in one or two places where the point of view switched between first person and third. I think to fix that, you just need to change a few tenses in those areas. paragraph 6 is where that correction needs to take place. I did not see any spelling errors which I was GREATLY PLEASE at! hahas!
I did enjoy your story, and wanted to see if she would come out of the ...I'm assuming shes in acoma, or something like that. This was filled with emotion, and I'm sure many can relate to a story like this, which makes it all the more powerful. Keep up the good work!
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Sounds very appealing! I enjoyed the descriptions and felt placed in the driver seat… outstanding notion. This is the beginning of something larger, true? If so, I look forward to more!
Gavril was a great name selection!
You do very well with descriptions…I thought I would mention that twice cause I love it when a clear picture is painted. You did this skillfully.
Grammar stuff…
collar bone/ collarbone P1
mountain side/ mountainside P1
Paragraph one is too long. Needs broken up in a few places. Change with each shift in idea. Five was long as well.
slam/slammed in P1
Some tense confusion here and there that can be fixed by proofing. Some missing words too…such as ‘and’. Filler words.
Again, great story! I truly enjoyed it and wish you luck with its future! Great writing!
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