An agonizing scream passed through my lips as a sharp metal like object sliced through my skin, muscle and bone right below my left collarbone. I have never felt anything like this or the scene that was happening around me. The car was rolling down the mountainside, my best friend no words or sounds could be heard from him if he was even still in the vehicle with me. A second sharp burning sensation cuts across my chest and right arm, then all is silent and am sure the car has stopped finally. 1
Seconds before the accident I remember Aj was messing with the radio then all I could see were bright white high beams heading right for us; I slammed on the brakes and skidded sideways, but I wasn’t fast enough they slammed into us. Cracking glass and crunching metal all around then we went over the edge. I heard a siren in the distance than I began to fade in and out. At one point I can hear men all around me shouting, then I hear more metal crunching and I screamed as the object in my collarbone burned like acid. The rest are just dark images surrounding me trying to keep me awake. The darkness was like an abyss calling my name, calling me to join it.2
Upon waking all I can feel at first is a horrible burning sensation through out my body, I tried opening my eyes; but there was only darkness. I move my right hand, well at least a finger, which rubs againsted a warm hand. I try to speak although nothing came out due to the tube in my throat. I could hear machines beeping and sobbing in the distance, and a deep voice as well.3
“It’s natural for there to be some muscle twitching during his current state,” the voice said as the sobbing got louder and a warm tear dropped on my hand. Who ever this person was I already can’t stand them, I moved my thumb across the back of the hand that held my tightly.4
“Doctor, you call this twitching. He is rubbing the back of my hand,” the person said holding my hand. I wasn’t sure who it was since everything sounded so far away at first.5
“Gavril, if you are awake keep rubbing the back of your sister’s hand,” the doctor said. I kept rubbing my sister’s hand hoping they will realize that I am awake; I felt more tears hit my hand.6
“Very good, now can you to move your toes,” They asked. I tried my hardest, but from the tears of joy that were rolling down her face and then the emotional sob escaped her mouth followed by her head plopping down next to my hand that my hardest try did not work.7
My simple joy just to be alive just turned into a living nightmare. “Gavril am going to remove the tube so on the count of three I want you to cough. One, two…three,” I coughed and felt the tube slide out of my mouth which also caused intense pain throughout. Although, I haven’t seen my sister yet I smiled at her. She busted into tears, shaking the whole bed.8
I spoke in a soft deep voice, “Shhh, everything will be alright Alex;” this only caused her to cry more. I had no idea if everything was alright; I have no clue why I couldn’t see, why everything burned or why I couldn’t move my toes. The only thing that I knew was that my entire life was just turned upside down within a blink of an eye. “Where is Aj, Alex?” Alex just cried gripping my hand tighter. I knew that was no good; not that anything in my life was good. Aj my best friend am not sure if I could ever forgive myself if something horrible happened to him.9
Author notes
Kinda wrote this in the randomly let me know what you think.
"when the going gets tough, eat bagels!"
A contest entry
- Touch Me! (Not a erotic type of contest) lol by x3mydarkesthourx3.
100 points, ended November 2, 2008, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Nice!
This was really great. I like how it was short and sweet, and you managed to savor the little details. I liked it a lot!
Good Luck in my Contest!
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You caught my intrest now what?
You changed tense in para 2 make it a little hard understand. Have you ever been in this type of sitting on one side or the other?
Anther point is smell plays a big part. The spining in your head after a wreak continues for a long time after you wake up.
Koragan -
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Thank you, sorry for changing tense I try not to do it, but happens a lot. I never been in an accident this bad before but I can just imagine. I am working on a second part, but am a little busy to finish it just yet.
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i like the emotion in it, as well as the suspense. it caught my eye and kept me reading throughout the wole thing. good job
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Thanks am glad you liked it.
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I loved the descriptions throughout the entire story. The part where the main character are in the car crash was so realistic and vivid that I could hear the sound of the crunching metal, and the glass! I was like..
wow!
Throughout the middle however, I did get a little confused in one or two places where the point of view switched between first person and third. I think to fix that, you just need to change a few tenses in those areas. paragraph 6 is where that correction needs to take place. I did not see any spelling errors which I was GREATLY PLEASE at! hahas!
I did enjoy your story, and wanted to see if she would come out of the ...I'm assuming shes in acoma, or something like that. This was filled with emotion, and I'm sure many can relate to a story like this, which makes it all the more powerful. Keep up the good work!
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Sounds very appealing! I enjoyed the descriptions and felt placed in the driver seat… outstanding notion. This is the beginning of something larger, true? If so, I look forward to more!
Gavril was a great name selection!
You do very well with descriptions…I thought I would mention that twice cause I love it when a clear picture is painted. You did this skillfully.
Grammar stuff…
collar bone/ collarbone P1
mountain side/ mountainside P1
Paragraph one is too long. Needs broken up in a few places. Change with each shift in idea. Five was long as well.
slam/slammed in P1
Some tense confusion here and there that can be fixed by proofing. Some missing words too…such as ‘and’. Filler words.
Again, great story! I truly enjoyed it and wish you luck with its future! Great writing!
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