By breaching the triple layered seal on Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! you absolve Laughco Inc. of any responsibility for bodily harm, mutilation, immolation, psychic phenomenon, supernatural spirits, time fluctuations, death, disease, famine, war, infection, plague, or other miscellaneous events that may occur with prolonged use.1
Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! is not intended for children under the age of 4, children with heart conditions or incontinence problems. Children with epilepsy should be exposed to Doctor Skull's Voodoo Torture action strobe light play area to see if any ill effects are triggered. If seizure occurs, consult doctor (not Doctor Skull).2
Sacrificial Altar play area contains traces of real cow's blood, please keep E-coli precautions in mind. Children should be wearing their clothing at all times while playing on the sacrificial altar. Children under 8 should not handle the Aztec Heart Dagger.3
The Inflatable Labyrinth of Doom contains many instances of doom, including spiked pits, bear traps and boulders covered with spikes and bear traps. All children should be equipped with map and lantern before entering the Labyrinth of Doom play area.4
The Spinning Blade Pillar contains real spinning blades. Children under the age of 8 should not be allowed to attempt climbing the spinning blade pillar unless having previously passed a series of physical endurance tests and/or pain tolerance activities outlined in the diagrams on the back of this booklet. Any appendages severed may be safely reattached except for those severed by the green tinted blades, which are coated in bubonic plague spores.5
Professor Pyro's Inferno Lab requires up to twenty gallons of premium unleaded gasoline to function for an entire hour of play time. If horizontal blast furnace nozzles become clogged, cleanse with water (when not in use) for optimum performance. Make sure pilot is lit before children enter first corridor.6
The Crypts of Madness play set contains actual occult artifacts which may trigger undesirable affects if handled by individuals of faith. Laughco Inc. is not responsible for any loss of favor with deity(s) due to activities which involve these artifacts. If Grim Skull Talking Demon Head refuses to stop incantations despite batteries being removed, consult an exorcist immediately. Portals to nether worlds opened by Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! Book of Black Majicks (included in this playset!) are the sole responsibility of the user. If children are tricked into relinquishing their immortal soul to Grim Skull Talking Demon Head, please consult a priest within 24 hours or before blood contract dries. Any gifts, bounties, powers, talents, fame, wealth, or notoriety gained from soul trade are void if contract is canceled.7
Laughco Inc. is not responsible for any immoral experiences children may have with succubus' while playing with Backyard Billy's Adventure Set!.8
In the event a time loop occurs due to magical chrono-traps in the Wizard's Lair play module, disable the energy core elements of this play set before allowing continued use. Due to the high chance of time loop phenomenon, assume this has already happened and disable the energy core elements immediately after reading these safety instructions.9
Smaller children may not be physically compatible with all play elements of Mistress Payne's Torture Hovel. Swinging pendulum blade requires additional construction. If child becomes lodged in Iron Maiden casket, the release word must be employed by him or her to escape. The release word is individualized to each Backyard Billy's Adventure Set!. To divine your release word, simply solve the ancient riddle on the back page of this booklet!10
HINT: It's not the Uumaru shaman you're thinking of.11
In the unlikely event of injury, Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! comes with a first aid kit containing enough elements to treat cuts, scrapes, abrasions, sprains, gashes and other blood wounds, head trauma, and minor cases of delirium and shell shock. If a child exhibits bouts of crying or bed wetting after discontinued use of Backyard Billy's Adventure Set!, please consult a psychiatrist.12
Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! is not intended to be used by the handicapped or mentally challenged. Future versions of Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! will include wheel chair ramps and simpler puzzles designed to encourage and challenge special needs children.13
Backyard Billy's Adventure Set! It's fun-tacular!
A contest entry
- The Oscars 2009 - Best Humorous Story by Asfand.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
LOL!!! 
I loved reading this! I got a really great laugh, especially out of this part:
If Grim Skull Talking Demon Head refuses to stop incantations despite batteries being removed, consult an exorcist immediately.
I can't stop laughing. Ow. My sides are hurting. 
I better stop.
Again, great work!!!!
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Lmao! Love this and the dark humor. written well and very entertaining also. Hmmm... I wonder where I can get one of these?
Overall, great read and good work. Look forward to reading more of your work sometime
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Hahaha. Do they sell these at Walmart yet? This is fantastic.
Also, the plural of succubus is succubi I think.
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lol dude! funny yea most games i've read now say that they're are an all family game but then it has all these limitations writen in fine print. I love i! Absoluetly Hilarious!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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i remember this, and oddly, it's still funny too. i like the time loop joke, science humor is always funny
any word on when this'll be hitting the market?
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I would never buy this for any kids I know, but I might buy it for myself - sounds like quite an adventure (granted, it might shorten my life expectancy somewhat, but oh, the hilarity of such a play set!). Wonderful work on this; had me laughing out loud from start to finish.
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This was hilarious, great job!
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Hi!
This story is being considered for inclusion in a Storywrite Anthology. If you would like this story to be included in the book, please apply to this group:
http://storywrite.com/group/info/Storywrite%20Anthology%20Volume%20One?stay=1
Thanks,
Andy
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Hahaha! :D
A shout out to DoozerDan for telling me about this *adds it to my bookmarks*
This is far better than most of the funny safety manuals on engrish.com Thanks for sharing this crazy idea!
P.S. If you get around to actually making this toy, please tell me and I'll mail copies to my hate list
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Good first paragraph.
"Not Doctor Skull." Haha.
Par. 4 "boulders covered in spikes and bear traps." Nice.
Par. 8, succubi is the plural form of the word succubus.
Um, is this all supposed to be a part of the same play set? I'm a tiny bit confused on that point. Other than that, it was pretty funny. I didn't laugh out loud, but it was good.
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EXCELLENT
Need I say more? -
Only Excellent!
A very, very funny piece. DESERVING of the #1 spot this week (at least!)
The only instruction I found to be missing was "INSERT BRACKET A INTO BRACKET B")
GA
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Wow id be the kid who got stuck in the freakin Iron Madien lmao... good work man.
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Hilarious!
Brilliantly well done and sounds like something I'd have a great deal of fun with. I loved it!
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Oh my f#cking god...
This is a work of art mate...that's all I can say. A work of art.
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Hum, and why didn't they have those when I was younger? That is too funny, where did you come up with this? This i really funny, dark, demented, evil, but funny none the less. Now I'm in a good mood again!
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Lmao!
Excellent 'Manual'the words "Dark Humour" caught my eyes..I'm a sucker for dark humour...thanks for putting a smile and giving me a few laughs.
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Love it
Only one thing I can think of, the plural of succubus is succubi.
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this is a great stor
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Awesome
Hahahahaha! Oh my god that is awesome, you must have gotten bored or really wanted one of these...nice job
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lol this is awesome. You have me wanting one now. Some of that stuff sounds so wicked. What a clever idea
~Joann
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Wow. Where is this set available? I'm sure my enemies will enjoy it, though they are a bit lazy, so they won't read the safety manual.
Really, this set could be a part of a horror movie, like Child Story(or whatever awesome movie that was about Chucky the evil doll, been a long while since I've seen it) or R.L. Stine's Night of the Living Dummy.
And really, why not some voodoo dolls instead of those boring old Barbie Dolls? I'm looking forward to the simpler puzzles, I'm severely handicapped.
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It was awwsome and funny at the same time. I think I want Backyard Billy's adventure set, you made me want it. I know it's dangerous, but the things you said about sounded exciting.
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hehehheheh.................
This is really funny and intresting read neat and clever plot.gosh...you really made me fall from my chair Backyard Billy's advanture set...i really wanna have one for me ...too good
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haha it was awesome and really funny to read had me laughing non stop.
also where can i buy one of these? -
NICE
incredibly hilarious. A truly breath-taking array of things that can go wrong, adn so well done. I actually fell off my chair because I was laughing sooooo much!!!! Fun. I want one!!
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hahahahaha! bravo! that was hilarious and brilliantly written. i love this!
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If Grim Skull Talking Demon Head refuses to stop incantations despite batteries being removed, consult an exorcist immediately.
I think that was probably my favorite line. But this was HIGH-LARIOUS! Seriously, I'm laughing so hard right now I have no idea how I'm still typing.
-Sarah
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Oh wow...maye wouldn't buy it for a kid, but I'd certainly love one for me!
Brilliantly written. XD
-HT
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Hehehehe
It made me laugh... and I want one now
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Awesomely funny - I see Dan has commented and approved .. -- you've arrived, mate. You've arrived.
Nice piece of dark humour here -
I WANT that playset!
RJ
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Thanks
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Dude this is hilarious!
The whole thing is just too funny, and the matter-of-fact way it was worded made it even funnier, as if it was normal Grim Skull Talking Demon Heads to take over one's soul....
Dark, but jeez this is funny!
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Not too dark... nothing really happens to the kiddies.... >_>
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LMAO...very good mate. I love this...and I am trying to think of ways to inject humour into My own writings. Very amusing indeed.
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funny, good stuff mate
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LOL! Where can I buy one of these I have a few kids I would love to give it to.
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Hahahahaha!
I saw this in the Shameless, and when I read the bit about off senses of humour, I clicked on it straight away.
*Laughs some more*
Very creative. More games need disclaimers like this one. *snickers* This has got to be one of the funniest stories I've read in a lil while on here.
Anyway, can't see anything that I'd suggest needs fixing... but that could be 'cause I got rather engrossed in the laughing shtick that I forgot to check...
Either way! Gonna have to keep my eye out for more humour stories by you, this was awesome.
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Humourous - and highly creative. I enjoyed both the style and subject matter of this piece, as well as the wry jabs at some of the real 'instructions' that come with toys.
Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite!
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XDD
LOL! Well that was amusing for one with a deranged sense of humor XD At first I was a little confused, but after reading it for a few sentences, it was clear. It made me laugh pretty hard at the Grim Skull Talking Demon part. And it distracted me from writing my english paper. So, thanks, and awesome job XD
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Lol! A novel way of writing about toys for children!
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Thanks
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