Richard stumbled from the building and blinked in the sudden onslaught of glaring sunlight. 'Ah, I live to see another day,' he muttered to himself.1
'Really... and here's me thinking you were a zombie...' The voice came from just beside him, and he squinted at the figure.2
'A metaphorical live,' he replied dryly.3
'I know…' she said with an impressive eye roll, 'but I had a random urge to be a smart-ass.’4
‘Join the club.’ He pointed at the sign just beside the doorway. ‘I'm a full time member, nominated for president, too.' He grinned cheerily at her. 'By the way, what's your name? 5
‘Hilaria,' she said, then went on, 'I'm good at book-keeping - is the position for secretary still open or do I have to wait for a qualifying period first?’6
He led her inside to the reception desk and checked the member list. ‘Hmmm… Well, Hilaria, it appears we have a free position. Just opened too, previous owner of it missed too many opportunities to be a smart-arse. Demoted to Smart-Alec. So yea - position open, feel free to submit an application.’ 7
‘Any special instructions? Should the application form be folded into a paper aeroplane or an origami animal?’8
His grin grew, she'd go far in this joint. ‘Four-page form, scrunched into a tight ball, and if you leave a bruise on the resident Un-Smart-Alec, you're in. Oh, you don't have to fill the form out, but the ink makes it heavier.’9
She nodded and took the sheaf of heavy bond paper from him, soaked it in a variety of inks that she just happened to have on her, and then slingshot it at the president leaving an interesting ink pattern for a psychologist to analyse, plus a decent sized bruise. She stepped back and grinned. ‘Done.’10
He regarded her with a raised eyebrow. ‘Very lucky for you I'm not the president yet. Because I did say Resident...’11
‘I know - but I like to aim high.’12
‘Ahh… I see…’13
‘Why go for the dunce, when a better target presented itself?’14
‘Because he's the one hiring you.’15
She smirked. ‘Shows initiative…’16
Richard could only nod at that. His phone rang, and he picked it up. After a moment of talking, he hung up and said, ‘President has informed me that, due to your extreme cheekiness, you can join. But, you sure as hell better plan on paying his dry cleaning bill!’17
‘Will monopoly money be an accepted form of payment? Or maybe an apple, some bananas and a slightly bruised orange?’18
‘Hmm, he'll take the cash. Oh, said to give you this.' He retrieved a badge of "extreme smartness" from a pocket and handed it to her.19
She pinned the badge on only to find small upside down writing, which she read under her breath, "sucker". She shrugged and glanced up again. ‘Is there any current committees I should be aware of?’20
‘Hmmm. There's the committee for "who put the sugar in the salt", and the committee for the "I didn't do it". Oh, and one for "we're nice people. Don't kill us". Not many people in that committee. Most die suddenly… No idea why.’21
She flicked through an old report. ‘Strange - they appear to have a high accident to death ratio...’22
‘Yes, like I said, no idea why...’23
‘Unusual accidents as well - I've never thought that getting caught in a photocopier would be exactly easy...’24
He whistled… innocently. ‘I told him that tie was going to be the death of him...’25
‘I mean, I've heard of people being duplicitous, but I've never known someone to die of it.’26
He chuckled.27
She held up another dog-eared report. ‘This one literally kicked the bucket - busted his toe, got gangrene and died of blood poisoning.’28
‘Ah yes... about that... the concrete in the bucket was purely accident. Accident I tell you!’29
‘And the one with the ladder and the black cat wasn't actually a broken metal rail and a hungry panther?’ she asked with a hint of incredulity. 30
‘No, no. He sneezed halfway up the ladder, and the cat hissed at him. He fell off. Very tragic.’31
‘And the 'team building' skydiving exercise - that was really a prank gone wrong wasn't it? The report says he,’ she held up the triplicate form, ‘died holding a tag with 'pull the other one - it has bells on it' written on it.’32
‘Well.. he thought it was a prank too. It wasn't. An honest change in the design. We did put bells on it as part of our ‘reduce-stress-at-work’ initiative a few months back.’ 33
‘One of the committee members actually got fired - but was there any reason why the person doing the firing took it literally?’34
‘Ah... I'd stay away from him if I was you. He takes things very literally.’ He glanced over his shoulder where a man was jumping on the spot and muttering: ‘How high? You never told me how high…’35
She giggled, and a look of pure deviousness crossed her face. She held up a finger. ‘One moment, please.’36
He watched as she approached Mr. Literal. After a short space of time, the man stopped jumping and ran out of the room with a look of pure horror on his face.37
She came back. ‘That’ll fix him,’ she snickered, ‘but I may have to buy him a gift voucher for a chiropractor…’38
‘Why?’39
‘He wanted to argue the point, and I told him to go screw himself.’ 40
'Ohh...'41
Author notes
This story is actually an edited MSN convo between TallBlondie and myself. We thought it was rather amusing so we saved it, and tidied it up a bit.
Hope you enjoy! 
In a list
A contest entry
- Broaden Your Horizons: Agree To Disagree by Tiger-Lily.
725 points, ended January 5, 27 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Co-Authored Stories by Lion-Serpent.
600 points, ended March 25, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - make me laugh...or cry by LynksTryforceGurl.
115 points, ended June 11, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT YOUR BEST...... Funny/Humor stories!!! by hsmlover1.
145 points, ended July 28, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Funny Stories..... by Sheilasbabygal4life.
100 points, ended October 4, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything - CRITIQUE Contest by amanda vampiress.
175 points, ended October 30, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
A honest critique that is helpful is the best critique.
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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Super good
Haha! I loved this, I'm giving it THREE (3) clappies! I love the literal-ness and it is very witty, silly but witty. That is my kind of story. I wish you good luck in your contests!
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LOL!
! This was really good and very enjoyable too read.I liked it. It was really funny! Thanks alot for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!!~
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Confusing at start but it was fantastic piece to read. I enjoyed and your character devolpment was fantastic and feffective. Your writting flowed tand the humor involved in the main idea was good and the person who died in photocopier and the tie that would be the death of him made me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts well done and good luck in my contest
HSM -
This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
interesting... club. i would like to have the address to the club if possible, it will be great to join!
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175 No'real, Udope, The Moon, 455.
Glad you enjoyed.
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I don't want to think about how Mr. Literal will pull that one off. Sweet piece of writing, funny as hell.
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i've read this one before, but it still makes me laugh. completely awesome.
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hehe, very funny, everyone is taking everything to literelly and dying from their own stupidity. Do they have the brains of monkies, lol. "Who put the sugar in the salt" funny, how would you know if it's salt or suger, especially mixed together, unless you taste it. And I like the Mr.Literal character, thought he was hilarious. "We're nice people. Don't kill us" lol, no wonder there's not many people in that committee, hehe
Very funny. (:
Good luck in the contest (: -
this was fantastic!! so, do you have anything published yet...cuz if you don't, you could be rich and famous...i love your sense of humor...great job...
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Geez are all your stories this funny
I swear the smart-a**iness of this was just pouring out of it. Interesting club. The fact that so much was just taken literally was pretty odd. The part about the guy literally kicking a bucket was so retarded(but in a funny way). You gotta feel a little bad for laughing when you read how the people died.
Btw I think you could say based on a true story for this one too, since it was based on a real conversation.
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*thinks*
No, this is probably one of my funnier ones, in a sarcastic sorta way.
But it was really fun making it so literal. Added to the humour.
My theory is, I'm not laughing at how people died, I'm laughed at how non-existent, fictional, characters died. Not real people, so it's all cool.
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I totally LOLed out loud...That oughta teach you...
You've cheered me up. I can sleep happily now.
I do, however, wonder why you guys didn't take a shot at an emo in this...There's plenty of opportunity in there...
...
I wish I had something clever to say...
Good job!
....That's the best I could do...
Here, have some creepy smiling clapping things...
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LOLed out loud, wow, that's a feat and a half.
Oh good, I do like to make people cheerful before bed.
Well, to be honest, we didn't think of it at the time. All up it took us mebbe 5-10 minutes to write this. A bit longer to edit nicely, but it was all done on the fly in an MSN convo.
Yus, I know the feeling, many a time I comment, the story is amazing, I want to say something useful and intelligent, and all I can think of is 'good job!'
Yay! I love the creepy smiley thingies, 'cause I'm a status whore. xD The more of them I get on a story, the higher it goes in the charts, always good.
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.
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You know, I love your style. That style is tremendous humor, apparently. I loved seeing it in this dialogue form. I cannot think of anything you could do to improve it. Keep up the great writing, I'm laughing my arse off again.
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Once again, you made me laugh out loud. Maybe it isn't that hard to do when I've been awake for 42 hours, but don't let that cheapen it. I like your style.
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This was absolutely hilarious!
Sarcasm... Ah, the love of my life. Brilliant work here. Had me grinning throughout.
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LOL. What a charming bit of total madness. Funnily enough I wasn't sure if it was serious or humorous in intention for an embarrassingly long period. I actually found myself wanting to know more about this organization and what they do, trying to integrate them into some sort of context. Very entertaining and convincing in a Bedlam kind of way.
EDIT: Oops. Teach me not to check who's logged in. This was intoothandclaw, not Lion-Serpent. He'll come and have his own say soon enough. Sorry. x.x
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very funny. i luved it!
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LOL!
This was really funny, I love reading double stories, and to think it was a MSN convo! Hahaha!
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Wow.
Man, this was great! Laugh out loud funny, you know, even at 5 in the morning. Either that or it's the coffee. Maybe both.
This is, in its entirety, quite clever. There are so many parts that just make me smile, but my favorite part is:
'Hmmm. There's the committee for "who put the sugar in the salt", and the committee for the "I didn't do it". Oh, and one for "we're nice people. Don't kill us". Not many people in that committee. Most die suddenly… No idea why.'
Great. Really great. Classic! I can't stop laughing!
As for crit, I noticed only one thing: President has informed me that, due [to] your extreme cheekiness, you can join.
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ROFL!!! That's my kind of funny. The "duplicitous" death had me in stitches (on account of I whacked my forehead on my desk while LOLing).
Honestly this has a sort of dream-like quality to it. Things seem to happen in logical order, until you think back over them. Great convo, guys!
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Very funny!
This is the first time I've read any of your work and I can understand why you are so popular, this was absolutely rib-tickling, chuckle-muscle funny.
Guess I'm gonna have to read more of your work
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This was freaking hilarious! I love the sarcastic humour. The dialogue was amazingly natural-sounding. WOW....really brilliant writing.
Noticed a couple little things:
P 17..... After a moment of talking, he hung up and said, ‘President has informed me that, due your extreme cheekiness, you can join.....
-- should there be a 'to' between due and your?
P 29.......‘Ah yes... about that... the concrete in the bucket was purely accident.....
--Should that be 'accidental'? or maybe 'an accident'?
Anyhow...this was a brilliant piece of writing....I loved it!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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That's how you can tell you're good friends..
..if your conversations can entertain other people!
Actually, I don't know if that's really the case for everyone ^_^ But my bestfriend and I have sort-of-similar conversations, only, none-documented
This made me smile lots I particularly love the accidental deaths, haha! And Mr. Literal... gawd, there are people who actually do take things very literally x.x now, learning from Blondie's and your story, I think I might just know what to tell them next time 
Thanks for sharing this conversation with us
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hehehe You guys are crazy, in that sort of interesting, I-just-want'a-hug-you-guys-sort-of-way. I snorted, I cried, I LOLed, truly a masterpiece.
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Whoa...uncle Danno, you and Tallblondie outdid yourself.
That was effing brilliant. I bow to your sheer sarcasm. No kidding. It was amazing and very witty. I never thought there would be a club like that. Where do I sign up??
Good luck in the contest (like you need it).
- HT
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Yeah, I was a bit confused at the start, but it was better going on. Thanks for writing this, it's great. I enjoyed it.
KEEP WRITING!!!
-Melli<33
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Very good write!! It made me laugh Keep up the amazing work!!!
-Jade-
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You made me laugh so hard with that last part that it actually hurt, genious. This is very funny and well writen. It must have been a very interesting IM conversation. Thank you for entering my contst, you are a finalist.
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I was a bit confused at the begining; i had to figure out who the characters were. Some of the dialouge didnt run smoothly by me, for some reason.
But other than that, i loved it! They both seem really fun and i felt the connection between the two. I felt like I was watching them talk. I didnt get some of the jokes, but it takes me a long time to catch on... so i think thats partly my fault Good job!
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Excellent
You did a nice job here! I enjoyed reading this piece by you.
The way you have with dialog is amazing.
Nice job!
Lynn
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The beginning wasn't very clear on what was happening. I kind of got that they were being literal about "joining the club" but still thought maybe they weren't and just being sarcastic. And the whole zombie thing confused me. Were they being literal about that? And it went no where so it doesn't really seem to have much to do with the plot.
Anyway after that it started getting good and I got into it. Quite the imagination and "smart" abilities you two have.
I wanna be on the committee "I didn't do it." Actually can I start my own; "They did it!"?
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The dialogue, not only advanced the plot and fit the action, but the humor came across nicely.
'morning Dan,
Guess I’ll have to pick another to hoodwink since Blondie is in on this one. Oh well I only brought two
and at 5am--I ain't giving up mine. So share or fight .
A fun plot and the characters and their activity are easy to ‘See’ and ‘Watch’
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The dialogue, not only advanced the plot and fit the action, but the humor came across and kept this reader giggling—good work.
It is probably me, but I felt I should mention it since I’m reviewing as well as commenting
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(The part where your potential secretary throws her inky ball at the President, ) she just happened to have on her, and then slingshot it at the president leaving an interesting ink pattern for a psychologist to analyse, plus a decent sized bruise. She stepped back and grinned. ‘Done.’10
He regarded her with a raised eyebrow. ‘Very lucky for you ( it read to me like she hit this guy with application. When I read further I realized she hit the ‘for real’ president. You might clear that up for dummies like me
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Congrats
. You make a good team.
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Man, I set out to be helpful and use all this new knowledge I've learned from Sol and you up and did a great job. Kudoos for your and blondie.
Brooke
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Hehe, sorry Brooke. I have plenty of other stories around that need some good dynamic critiquing. xD
Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it.
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I'm sorry to say got lost. But it was funny so that makes up for it.
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haha
that was pretty good
i like it a lot
really good...
and i didnt catch any error
so congrats -
*laughs her head off* wait...i dont think thats healthy......I wuv this! =3 Your funny storys are always the best X3 smart-arse position...gold!
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That is AWESOME! I love it =) You and Blondie are geniuses. Pure genius.
This had me laughing the entire time. Good luck in HT's contest! ^^
Love,
~Aura ♥
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Heehee!!!
Well done you and Blondie! Great stuff here, nice convo you got going here ... and the smart-arse club was a nice bonus.
You know, you should keep these coming - if only to brighten my day.
RJ
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Smart-arse club... now there is a thought. Perhaps we should start a mostly clean but sometimes not smart-arse group.
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Who'd enter?
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*Turns the torch on above RJ* Brightening your day enough?
Not sure how many convos we've had like this. Not a huge deal. But will remember to sort out any other good ones.
Glad you enjoyed.
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*whips out his sun-hat*
Bright, mate, very bright.
Ah - you misspelled rofl ..
I always enjoy your stuff! Good on ya!
*claps you on the back, makin' you drop the torch, bonking RJ on the head*
RJ
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