Deception (Complete)

Freedom.1

Emerald eyes opened and lazily gazed up at the ceiling. I was no stranger to the plain white ceiling that adorned her room. It was familiar, a setting I could easily work in. Her eyes, half-lidded and still laden with sleep, never moved from the empty spot next to the ceiling fan. Contemplation was not needed.2

A small smirk played across her face. It seemed a sort of foreign expression for such an innocent face. Too bad looks were just so deceiving. Those who did not know that were sure to by the end of the day. I was just in one of those moods. Unfortunately for those poor, unsuspecting fools I was in a mood for games. I was going to take the girl they knew and loved and turn their little minds inside out.3

She carefully maneuvered her slender body out of the bed. Dark hair cascaded down, past her shoulders in a mess of tangled curls. A brush would have to be run through that bed-headed mess.4

That was one of the more troublesome things about her. I was by no means interested in the way she appeared to the world, but simple things like brushing her hair was necessary to maintain that normal appearance she had to have. That was my one problem with waking up as her. Proper grooming habits were just so tiring. It was easier to just drop in on a whim. The game was more fun that way.5

It was easier when she did the work and I had the fun, but I could handle those necessary little habits. The work always did have to be done before the play could begin.6

Despite the work that I was required to do, it was merely a matter of time before the fun could begin. School was only a few short moments away. Everything would remain nice and normal until then. Not a single shard of doubt could be placed in anyone's mind until the people she knew at school came into play. Secrecy was best regarding her family.7

The facade was simple for the short car ride there. Few questions were asked and, consequently, few questions were forced to be answered. They seemed oblivious to Haylie disappearance. The words said to them were convincing enough so that they believed nothing was wrong. They were truly the easiest people to fool. I suppose when you're around someone enough, you don't even notice little changes in them because they didn't notice a thing. Ignorance really must be bliss.8

Long legs moved at a slow, even pace. There was no rush. The day was most likely mine. I would have plenty of time to do what I loved best; planting the seeds of doubt. There was no other joy that could compare to the look.9

It was always a momentary look, but it effective just the same. Confusion never failed to sweep across their naive faces, brows furrowed and that hint of doubt gleaming in their eyes. It was truly entertaining.10

A girl began to approach her, a slight spring in the step. A short, dark bob bounced behind her as the girl drew closer. She was getting closer, a small smile on her pale face. It was Madison.11

Madison was a fun one. She was easy to deceive. She always failed to notice the slight changes; a different smile, a darker glint, a slightly deeper voice, a small change in wording. Madison wasn't very good at picking out the details.12

"Hi Haylie," she smiled, coming to a stop a few feet in front of her.13

"Hello," her voice replied, just a note deeper.14

Let the fun begin.15

"How are you?" she asked.16

She was oblivious to that change in voice. Despite the fact that she knew who I was, she wasn't very good at catching the change. Not that I expected her to figure it out right away. That would have been quite insulting. I liked to think of myself as playing a part. It wasn't too difficult of a part to play.17

"Fine. You?"18

I didn't wait for a response. I let my attention drift elsewhere. She was prattling on about something or another, but I wasn't paying much attention. I was debating. While toying with her would be fun, I wasn't sure I had that time. I figured I would tell her bluntly. I would time it just right so I managed to leave her in a daze. I just needed the perfect opportunity.19

While Madison rambled, Haylie merely nodded her head at the appropriate times. It was very unusual for the attentive girl. Something was off about her. There was something about her that seemed distant and guarded. It was as if there was an invisible shield separating her from the rest of the world. She found that rather peculiar, but figured Haylie was just having an off day.20

"So Haylie," she continued, a smile spreading to a grin. "Do you want to go with us to the movies this weekend?"21

A small, almost twisted smile crept across her pale rose lips. The opportunity was there. There was only a couple minutes left before the bell rang and I was about to shatter her world.22

"I don't know. You'll have to ask her tomorrow."23

The voice was calm and even. There was no strain of excitement or worry lacing the voice. It was surprisingly even- almost detached. While Madison stood there, mouth slightly ajar, Haylie merely smiled back.24

The bell echoed through the halls. With one last satisfied smirk, she disappeared into the sea of people. The day was just beginning and I'd already dropped a bomb. Tragically, I'd have to wait until lunch to watch it explode. The explosion was always the best part.25

*26

For four period I idly amused myself with whatever tedious assignments her teachers gave me, but her classes were somewhat amusing. I never tired of of tricking her friends. Those naive little souls never suspected a thing. 27

"Oh hello Rachel, dear," she smiled, taking her usual seat next to the girl called Rachel.28

Rachel happened to be an exception to my little rule. Not only did she suspect, she always knew when it was me. As displayed by the raising of an eyebrow, it was obvious she knew. Well, not obvious to them, but obvious to me. I wasn't surprised.29

Haylie's friend happened to be an exception that never ceased to annoy me. She was the one person I couldn't figure out which usually meant she was exempt from analysis.30

"Hello," she smiled, mood unchanging. "How are you?"31

Chin casually placed in her hand, she turned her gaze on me. There was no fear, alarm, or worry. Not even a small trace of unease crossed her face. My presence never rattled her.32

"Just fine."33

The one problem with Rachel was that she took away my fun. Around her, analyzing people was nearly impossible. Not because I was incapable, but because she wouldn't let me. Doing so would result in unnecessary pain. If you'd ever been punched by her, you'd understand.34

Turning her attention towards the class, Haylie's small, pale hands began copying down the notes placed on the board. Obviously there wasn't going to be much time for talk in that class. Of course, there was always lunch.35

Fourth period passed at a normal speed. Taking notes wasn't exactly my idea of fun, but it was bearable. As soon as the bell rang, she gathered up her things and waited a moment for Rachel.36

"I've got to make up a test," she told me, eyes sending me a silent warning. "Be good."37

"But of course," Haylie smiled-no, smirked.38

She turned away before Rachel could say another word. The fun was about to begin and there was no Rachel to stop it. I knew I would face the consequences later but, as always, it was worth it.39

*40

Before she even reached the rock that her friend hung out at, she was yanked aside by a frantic Madison. Pulling her, she towed the girl towards an empty area on the other side of the gym.41

"Is it really... him?" she asked quietly, gaze intense.42

Haylie rolled her eyes.43

"I'm not exactly the boogeyman," she replied, sweet voice laced with idle sarcasm.44

"You might as well be," Madison muttered, hazel eyes flashing.45

"Oh no, dear, I'm much scarier than the boogy man."46

In that moment an almost sinister smirk twisted across her delicate features.47

Madison crossed her arms, unconvinced. "As if."48

"You're just afraid of what I might say. You live your whole life in fear, don't you?"49

She paused to gauge the girl's reaction. Fearful unease crept across Madison's face. Panicked insecurity gleamed in her eyes. Apparent discontent merely provided fuel. The explosion was going to be magnificent.50

"That's not true," Madison snapped, glowering.51

Haylie merely smiled.52

"Ah, but it is. You know I don't lie. You however lie quite often."53

"No I-"54

"Oh goody! You're trying to defend yourself. You should know by now that doing so does nothing but encourage me."55

Tsking lightly, Haylie shook her head.56

"You just hate hearing what you already know. You deceive your friends into thinking you're such a bright, friendly girl. Little do they know the quiet venom that lies beneath. Really they know virtually nothing about you."57

"What're you talking about?" Madison murmured, guilt splashed across her face.58

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, dear. You wear the mask of a cheerful, outgoing girl. But that's not the case, is it? Your friends know nothing about you. You tell them nothing so then they know nothing. You don't want them to see what's lurking behind."59

Her voice was calm, even, and detached. It was as if nothing more than a simple, commonly known fact was begin stated. Not a trace of doubt crossed her delicate face. I absolutely adored the desperation that was taking over. Such a wonderful explosion it was turning out to be.60

"I'm not hiding anything."61

Madison's voice trembled. Tears threatened to spill. Not too much longer until the best part came. The sensitive ones were always the most fun.62

"Oh but you are," her calm voice continued. "You just don't want anyone to see those pesky little truths. Behind your facade is a spiteful, impulsive, and quite cowardly person. You're like a timid little sheep. You blindly follow and then run at the first sign of discomfort. So why don't you run now, little sheep? You know you want to."63

Tears spilled down red stained cheeks. Biting her lip, Madison turned away.64

A satisfied smile dominated Haylie's face. Frantic tears perfected any explosion. I so did love to see them fall. Now it was time to finnish it off.65

Before anymore words could be exchanged, footsteps sounded behind us.66

"What have you done?" Rachel sighed, coming up beside Haylie.67

Placing a hand on the girl's shoulder, Rachel's nails dug into pale skin. Glancing over at Madison, a disapproving frown crossed her face. She knew she had a person to put back together.68

"Don't you have a test to make up?"69

I wasn't usually one to change the subject, but I was curious as to how she'd suddenly appeared.70

"I finished," Rachel said, rolling her eyes.71

After finishing the test, she'd most likely gone over to find 'Haylie'. Probably hoping I hadn't had time to cause any damage. Knowing her, she probably saw both me and Madison gone and put two and two together. Rachel knew me all too well.72

Socking me in the shoulder, Rachel shoved me in the other direction.73

"Go," she commanded, pointing to a bench a few yards away.74

Still, I lingered for a moment. Watching the healing process was always such an entertaining event.75

"Now," Rachel said, raising a threatening fist.76

Deciding I'd rather not encounter her fist again, I made my way over to the bench. Venturing over to where Rachel was trying to comfort a hysterical Madison was quite dangerous. As stated before, her punches were not pleasant.77

Tearing my gaze from the two, I smiled. The day still wasn't over. I was sure there was still fun to be had and chaos to cause. I just had to wait until the school day ended.

Author notes

This story is told through the other personality of someone with MPD. Inspired by an amazing story a friend of mine wrote.

moonwriter

AN: Mango's dance on the moon.

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 193. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16
  • NightVixen
    1 day ago
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    The characters are realistic and believeable. You took a very difficult subject, a complex illness, and wrote an amazing piece.


  • Princess Dawn
    1 day ago
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    i like how you started it with 'freedom'
    And it was very descriptive and had a good flow
    great job overall

    . Rewarded 3

  • tree4yew
    1 day ago
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    Sweet!

    very fun read. character is exciting, intersting, and makes you want to read on.
    There should be some distinction between the narrator and the narrators thoughts. Italics or quotations would work well for this. The first sentence in stanza 2 for example, are a narrator talking, and shouldn't be italicized. This sentence in stanza 3 should be italicized, because it is the characters' thought, "Unfortunately for those poor, unsuspecting fools I was in a mood for games.".
    Some of the thoughts of the main character could use a little reworking as well to sound more real/automatic. Some of the wording as it is now is kind of rationalizing behavior, instead of a realistic type thought. A good example of this is the start of stanza 7, "Despite the work that I was required to do, it was merely a matter of time before the fun could begin.". This sentence really doesn't sound like a thought, it sounds like a part of an essay or some kind of descriptive/explanative writing. I get what you're attempting to do, and it does come across amazingly well! I just think if you tweaked it a tiny bit, you would see a world of difference in your story!!
    I really enjoyed this! I look forward to reading more!

    . Rewarded 6

  • Ebony Cullen
    December 18, 2008
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    awsome is the only word i can think of

  • Shadowed Phoenix
    December 13, 2008

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    This is the first story of MPD that I have read in the first person and the first well done. At first I was wonderig why you were using a strange first/second person voice but than it hit me that this personality was seperate from Haylie but still shared her body so it was her movements its voice (if that makes sense). The story progressed nicely, easy to read and fairly easy to understand. I like the psychological type stories a lot, there hard to write but fun to read. Thank you for entering and good luck.

    . Rewarded 6

  • Lawrie
    November 29, 2008

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    MPD is an illness I have never seen mentioned in a story until now.
    This story is written very well and you have tackled the problem of writing from the POV of someone with MPD extremely well.
    I would have liked a bit more detail about Rachel. She suddenly appears and is the only one Haylie's alter persona is afraid of, but no one knows why. Is she a doctor or nurse or is she someone who knows of Haylies' condition?
    I must admit, it wasn't until I reached p17 that I realized Haylie was suffering from MPD. I at first thought she was being stalked, but that's not to detract from the story, that's just me not being sharp enough to realize the fact earlier
    All in all, this is a good story, well written with the use of believable characters and situations.
    I have some observations which you may wish to edit:

    p8. They seemed oblivious to Haylie disappearance - should read - They seemed oblivious to Haylie's disappearance

    p10. but it effective - don't need the 'it'

    p27. I never tired of of - one too many 'of'

    p28. her usual seat next to the girl called Rachel - don't need the words 'called Rachel' - the reader already knows who she is as she's mentioned at the beginning of the sentence

    p65. finnish - should be 'finish'

    To conclude. This is a well written story with believable characters and a good plot. The dialogue helps the story along. The ending leaves the reader wondering if there is to be a sequel; always a good thing

    . Rewarded 8

  • kaylaface
    November 18, 2008
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    I love your main character! She has this sinister, yet smooth feel to her. It's interesting how she takes so much pleasure out of exposing others little lies. I would like to read more of the life of the character, and learn about Haylie's side of the personality.

    . Rewarded 6

  • Shadows Falling
    November 15, 2008

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    ...WOW...Love the descriptions!!! Great story!! Its amazing!


  • FoxyMoxy
    November 8, 2008
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    shivers...good

  • We-Are-All-Mad-Here
    October 27, 2008
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    wait...

    so this personality is the other one. not the one whose body it is? cool. But if the other her has done this before, why do they keep leting her do it?

    I loved it!! It's wierd and cool at the same time. you make it sound like this person who takes over peoples bodies and its wierd, but cool!
    10 points~!

    . Rewarded 6

    • moonwriter
      October 27, 2008
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      People with mpd can't exactly control what their other personality is doing. It's like blacking out. When they 'wake up' they have control again.

  • xXBlack.RainbowXx
    October 26, 2008
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    Whoah, that was incredible! I've never read a story about MPD, so it was nice to read one today, especially one so exceptional. This was a very creative style, and I like the clever descriptions and expressions you used. This is a very vivid insight into the mind of someone with MPD and I enjoyed it greatly! Great job, keep it up and best of luck in the contest!

    ~*Princess*~

    . Rewarded 6

  • Orimis
    October 25, 2008

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    Beautiful

    Two things you do best here:
    -You paint a sinister persona quite well.
    -You used a style that is almost entirely different from your norm.

    The latter is just...amazing. That's so hard to do.

    You're wonderful, you know that? My only note is that you decided to spell Hayley's name two different ways. Is that a device used to separate the host from her alternate? Maybe I missed it.


    I think you should continue this. It'd be nice to see Hayley's side of things.

    . Rewarded 8

  • K.Tangent
    October 18, 2008

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    I've told you that I think this story is amazing. You do it all justice. ^_^ You plan to keep adding to it? Like a book perhaps. Haha, I want to read more. Well anyways, wonderful story!

    <3

  • Kay Tagohna
    October 16, 2008

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    Very very good darling. You did the analysis part quite nicely. I love how cynical 'halyie' acts. And its Rachel to the rescue! Great job, great ending.

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