All was quiet, apart from the clock ticking, the food cooking in the kitchen, the two boys playing Counter Strike on the computers, and the giggling from the behind a closed door... Oh all right, all was not quiet, but who cares. The silence... was broken by the scream of the little girl who came running out of the room from whence the giggle came.1
'EEAAAHHHHH!'2
The Mother sprinted out of the kitchen - images of injured little girls flashing through her mind. 'What is it!?' she cried, sliding to a halt in front of her daughter.3
'Grandma's scaring me Mummy!' wailed the girl, clinging to her mother. 4
'Scaring you?' Mother held the girl at arms length, staring at her quizzically. 5
'Mhmm,' said the girl, nodding. 6
'Why? What's she doing?' Mother asked, her eyes narrowing.7
'She's dressed up as a fairy.' 8
'A fairy? Why does that scare you?'9
'Because she looks scary, she's wearing stripy purple and black socks on her arms and she's got big laced up black boots and she's got a funny watch on as well, it's got a chain on it!'10
A bondage fairy? thinks Mother, then it dawns on her, 'Oh, you mean she's dressed up as a punk fairy?'11
'Yeah,' said the little girl, her eyes wide.12
Another 'Oh' from Mother then, 'Have you been letting her get at your lollies again?'13
The little girl looked guilty. 'Mmm hmm,' she mmm hmms meekly. 14
Mother sighed. 'I told you not to let her have any sugar, you know she goes all funny when you do.'15
'Yes Mummy.'16
'Then why do you do it?'17
'She sneaks.'18
'Sneaks...'19
'Yeah, when I'm not looking.' 20
Another sigh. 'Well don't keep chocolates near your Grandma, will you?'21
'Yes Mummy.'22
'Now why don't you go and play with your toys in another room?' said Mother, giving her a final hug.23
'Ok Mummy.' The little girl disentangled herself from Mother's arms, and dashed of to play with her toys. 24
Mother shook her head slowly. Why would mum not grow up? She stood up and wandered back to the kitchen to finish cooking dinner. 25
The giggle in the room, from which the girl had departed so hastily, slowly turned in to a cackle, 'Hehehahahmuwahahaha,' and than it stopped. After a slight pause the voice went on, 'Ooooo, lighter... Now where did I put my fire staff...?'26
The 'silence' continued...
Author notes
This is actually the first short story I ever wrote. It has been edited a bit since then, grammar fixed up a bit, style improved, smoothed out, etc. And here it is. Enjoy. 
A contest entry
- Something Just For Me ... by RxxSpiritWolfxxJ.
405 points, ended November 11, 2008, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
a honest critique that is helpful is the best critique.
Comments
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This was good for what it was - a short story. You kind of left me hanging at the end. I was waiting on some climactic event.
When I read that the grandmother was going a little "loopy" with the sugar dressing up as the punk bondage fairy, a couple of things crossed my mind: 1) did grandmother have some sort of diabetes which made her act that way? 2) if so, then why did Mother not go and check on grandmother to make sure she was ok? -
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Heh. Well, the grandma is based of a friend of mine, who gets a tad hyper with sugar, this story was speculating what she'd be like when she hit 60-70.
So no, not diabetic, just crazy, and because of that, and the fact that the mother would grown up with that, no need to check it out.
In the end, this stories purpose is a bit of a giggle.
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Good
Needs bit more work.
Overall, I enjoyed the story and the charcters. I like the Grandmama turns into a punk fairy after to much sugar. I Thought it was funny when Mother was getting hert fire staff.
What was missing:
Were the details.
What did the little girl looked like?
What was the setting?
Were they living in a castle or a house?
You need to name the girl and the mother.
Mabe you have Grandmam flying around calling for her daughter as the little girl running for dear life.
For the Grammar Errors:
little girls change to (little girl)
'What is it(!?)'
You can't have both. Grammar rules don't allow this using !? at the sametime. This sentence is niether a question or statement.
(')Grandma's scaring me Mummy!(')
Singular '' means in writing these are the character personal thoughts in their minds.
"" are used in dialogue when charcters are talking.
"Grandma's scaring me Mummy!"
You need to back through your dialog change '' to "".
Nice story,
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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You raise some good points, thank you for that. One would think they were in a house, in this day an age, given that there were boys playing on the computer.
For the things you mentioned, I'll have a think about what the girl looks like, that sort of thing slips by.
On names, I don't want names. I wrote it the way it is, specifically avoiding names. Which is why I used 'Mother' as a name.
And Grandma didn't turn into a fairy, this isn't fantasy, she dressed up as one.
All of those are very valid points, and thanks for pointing them out. I was rather saddened to see the last one though. Because it once again shows how much American's take note of things outside their country. I do not have to use double quotation marks for dialogue, that is an American thing. As I'm Australian, I use the more English way, which is single quotes. Things like quotation marks change a lot between countries, you know some places in the Middle East use things like >< to enclose dialogue.
I suppose at least you didn't correct my spelling.
Thanks very much for the insightful critique.
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When I read your story, I didn't know that you are from Australian.
The grammar errors which, I stated is the way that we are taught here in the states. That is way, I reviewed.
Every countries has their own grammar rules.
Your characters should have names, because I was little detach and got tried of reading mother and little girl repeatedly.
I didn't see, any misspells words. LOL
I hope I was help to you,
Lynn
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silence continued? I imagine there'd be a lot more screaming.
It's quite cute and innocent. well... except for the bondage fairy part. That just creates all sorts of weird images in my head.
oh and love the evil cackle!
A bit short, and I would have liked it if the characters actually had names instead of mother and girl, but that's ok for this short of story I guess.
Another funny story from you. I always look for yours when I need a good giggle.
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bondage fairy godmother...
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...........
you know, you might have a scarier mind than me after all bondage is great and all, but... no. just no.
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Heh. I didn't actually come up with that, that's what Rachel N. (who I based that char off, but 50 years older) labelled a photo of her in her outfit.
Wait... bondage is great?
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Awesome =) Its sometimes amazing to see how far we get in our writing in such a short period of time. This story made me giggle Very cute. Its fun imagining a grandmother dressed up as a punk fairy xD Awesome Halloween costume...
Good luck in RJ's contest =)
Love,
~Aura ♥
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Oh hahahahabah!
Funny stuff, as always ... I loved the image of the granny dressed up as a punk fairy - only you would dream something like that up.
Nice little tidbit to freshen up my lunch break. Good stuff.
RJ
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Glad you enjoyed.
I was getting this up to enter in your comp, then it closed, now it's open again, so I entered. xD
I actually wrote this, thinking about what a rather crazy friend of ours would be in 50 years. This is what I thought of. She already has the punk fairy outfit.
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Who's 'our' friend? Are you talking about on SW?
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*Sigh* Knew that happen if I said that... Usually when I say 'our' friend I'm referring to a family friend. Instead of saying 'my' friend, 'cause she's more my sister's friend. But anyway, she's the singer in my band.
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Whoopsies. Apologies.
Aha! I definitely know who you're talking about ... *listens to Deus Sceptrum and sways from side to side ..*
RJ
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