No Way!

I simply felt that I should tell you that I could not possibly tell you my story in only three sentences, even though you may wish me too, and if you have the time to pull up a chair and kick up your feet I'll get you a drink and possibly a snack to enjoy while I explain the tremendous complexities of why I would never be able to do such a thing while the earth and moon are still in orbit and revolve around the sun, that is to say as long as I am a mortal man of flesh and blood bound to this earth in my human form which is limited in it's capacity to control it's own uncontrollable urges to reach out and share it's beliefs, theories, ideals, emotions, desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies (are desires, hopes, dreams and fantasies the same thing because I really am not sure), aren't these cookies delicious I-excuse me while I get the phone, hello, no, I'm sorry, there is still no Brian Baxter at this number, this is the Balzer residence, as I told you last time and yes my first name is also Brian, remember we discussed how they are so very similar and we agreed the numbers must very similar, also just as it began to rain, but don't worry, it's a beautiful day today, could you hold for just a minute dear I'll be right back- I'm sorry this will only take a minute and I'll be off the phone, if you don't mind waiting, I get back to my story just as soon as I can –yes, dear, I'm still here and my shoulder is better, thank you and you were correct, I did hurt it in a skiing accident, oh I have to agree with that also skiing is an odd word and I have to tell you that I'm never sure how to spell it though I believe you use the letter i twice, no matter how you spell it, I love to go skiing, however I still won't be able to go for another year until my shoulder is completely healed but then I will be back on the slopes and I really should let you go as I have a friend over at the moment listening to a story and enjoying some of the cookies I baked using the recipe you gave me the last time you accidentally dialed my number but I really should let you go as my friend is patiently waiting for me to get off of the phone and don't worry I'm sure we'll visit again sometime but for now perhaps you should put on your glasses so that you will dial the right number so that you can talk to your grandson, OK bye then- I have to tell you she is the sweetest little old lady and she has a grandson my age well anyways let me get us some more of these delicious cookies before I continue with my story and while I'm at it, I'll get you some more milk, speaking of milk, I need to get some more milk but I have plenty for now and for some reason that made me think of that saying why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free which I always thought was so funny as a child, oh I hope you will forgive me but I've forgotten where I was in my story so shall I start over from the top-that's right I was talking about my inexplicable desire or uncontrollable urge to share with other people although as you know I didn't say it quite like that but I guess it doesn't matter as long as you understand that I could not possibly tell you my story in only three sentences.1

If you don't need to hurry off, I'll explain what I mean when I say I would suffer greatly if I entered this contest and tried to limit myself to telling my story with only three sentences, which I still don't think is possible, however if you say it is then I will take your word for it if you take my word for it that if I did enter this contest and try to limit myself to only three sentences it would be worse for me than being buried in the sand and having honey poured over my head, which, incidentally, my older brother did to me one time but to be honest that wasn't as bad as the time that he put me into his army duffel bag and hung me in a tree over an open septic tank which was extremely smelly and it probably didn't help that it was one hundred and ten in the shade that day so it is a wonder I didn't die, however if I had I wouldn't have worry about you torturing me with trying to tell my story with only three sentence which for someone like me is more painful than having alcohol poured on a sunburn or even worse in an open wound which I've had plenty of since I was an accident prone child who of course was always getting hurt, though I don't need to tell you that, because that actually is the meaning of accident prone in the first place although that has nothing to do with being tortured like I was by my older brother and sometimes my three older sisters even though my sisters were usually very nice to me, they were also sometimes mean to me, although they didn't think they were being cruel, I truly felt they were when they would hold me down and tickle me until I couldn't breathe which I knew was nowhere near as bad in comparison to the things my older brother would do to me, which on the other hand could be quite cruel because as you know older brother can be very bad bullies, as a matter of fact some of the things he would do to me were almost as cruel as asking me to try to try to tell you my story with only three sentences.2

Once again, I feel I must tell you that I think that it is a case of extreme cruelty to writers like myself who are used to being able to fully express themselves with an unlimited amount of words without having to worry about limitations for you to ask us to tell a story with only three sentences, in fact, I've been having to pass on some of the contests because they have a limit of five hundred words and my story called {Trick Or Treat?!} is slightly more than five thousand and five hundred words-give or take a hundred words or so-but don't think that I hold any malice towards you, of course, because I know that you have the right to make any rules you like for your own contest, however for a guy like me you couldn't torture me more by doing any of the following: make me wear plaid, make me watch re-runs of I Love Lucy (I apologize to any one who likes it), keep me from watching action/adventure movies, keep me from writing At All, make me eat broccoli or asparagus or cauliflower or many other nasty vegetables that I can't stand, keep me from eating sweets, or junk food in general for that matter, make me ride the bus instead of driving my nineteen seventy seven Ford Thunderbird (I have a nineteen seventy nine Ford Thunderbird that I turned into a tow behind camper, it's so cool), hit my knees with a hammer, smash my toes with a hammer or my fingers for that matter, shove bamboo shoots underneath my finger nails or toenails as far as that goes, keep me from flirting with beautiful women because I love to flirt, keep me from flirting with ugly women because I love to flirt that [as a matter of fact I once flirted with a gay man just to get a discount on some things I was buying even though I'm completely straight, yes, I am a shameless flirt], stake me out naked in the middle of a nudist beach full of extremely ugly sex starved women, worse yet stake me out naked in the middle of a nudist beach filled extremely ugly sex starved gay men (since, like I already said, I'm strictly straight, that would be very unpleasant), make no mistake I could go on but I don't feel that it is necessary, as that is one of the most unpleasant things I can think of that you could do to me that would be almost as bad as asking me to enter a contest where I had to tell a story with only three sentences because quite frankly for someone like me that would positively, most certainly, absolutely, doubtlessly, unquestionably, undeniably, unequivocally, indisputably, without a doubt, altogether, entirely, completely, thoroughly, perfectly impossible, as a matter of fact, you might as well ask me to say hello using only one word.3