Chubby Thoughts

“It helps if you just breathe,” Kim says, demonstrating breathing herself. I nod but really can’t imagine anything helping me now. It’s my first day to the gym. First day to hell. Everyone says how great you’ll feel and what a rush it is and blah blah blah but all I feel is my heart pounding and the beads of sweat running down my back and in between my boobs. 1

Kim has on a pink halter top with a Nike check and tight black pants. Her ponytail bounces adorably as she pumps away at the machine with her perfect slender thighs. I am wearing my fathers college t-shirt and basketball shorts. The sweat clings to me and I wonder if my panty line is visible, or worse, my cellulite. I hate the gym, I hate the gym, I hate the gym. 2

At least I’m not the fattest person here. At least I have that. But then I think of the disgust I feel watching the obese girl jiggling away and I imagine this is how the perfect people must feel about me. Okay, I want to say, it’s true that I haven’t exercised in a while. It’s true that I’ve eaten more than was necessary to survive. Okay! Maybe even more than that. But I was depressed, you know. I cant help it that chocolate makes me feel better. I cant help it that I never learned how to play sports and find no personal pleasure in exercising. But I don’t say any thing, just think it really hard and hope that they understand I’m not like that fat girl. I’m normal, I swear.3

Can’t breath anymore, this is torture. Kim steps off and walks over to the treadmill for a run. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. She had better not be a mind reader. She turns her head and gives me a quick thumbs up. It’s so humiliating having her “encourage” me like this. I hate myself for hating her so much because I know she’s only trying to be nice, but then again sometimes I start to think that maybe she is only using me so she can remember how hot she is. Ugg. But I doubt that. Kim is genuinely nice and doesn’t seem disgusted by my tree trunk legs or my Jell-O belly. It would help if she would say something rude once in a while.4

The mirrors here are the worst and I spend most of my time trying to avoid myself in these ridiculous clothes. Why must they make this experience so painful? People say that they have mirrors because guys like to look at themselves while they workout. What? Maybe physically fit guys. Probably physically fit girls too. That is so stupid. All I know is that I definitely don’t want to be reminded how stupid I look here, how out of place. Red faced and panting isn’t my best look. And it feels like I’m the only one. Isn’t anyone else out of breath? Kim has a girlish mist on her face. That’s it. I wish she would trip on her shoelace and smack her head on the handles of her treadmill. I really do. But she would never do that because Kim is graceful. Kim’s shoulders are held straight and her legs run in long strides and her body is perfectly hard so that no parts bounce when she comes down, except maybe her boobs. 5

I think about Evan Rachael Woods in Pretty Persuasion and try to imagine being that thin. What wouldn’t I kill to have a tiny figure like that? She inspires me to pick up the pace but less than three minutes later I have exhausted myself. Whoa, I’m light headed and all I want to do is push through this so I can go home and wallow in the comfort of my bed with a snack and a book. Oh man, cheesy chex would be nice or maybe some Oreos. I mean, I know it’s useless to workout and then pig out but I’m lightheaded, okay? I need some food. Besides, I’m on the rag and how can you deny a craving when it’s that time of the month? I’ll wait until next week to starve myself.6

A girl steps onto the machine in front of me and I examine her body, size her up. Should I be jealous or should I feed off of her imperfections to feel better about myself? She is smaller than me but not in peak condition. I take satisfaction in the fat saggets on her back above her adidas pants making a swoosh swoosh noise. They aren’t as big as mine but they are there. See, you aren’t perfect either! But she really is pretty small. Her legs aren’t tiny but I realize how strong they are, possibly a soccer player. I give up on this girl. She works out, eats right and occasionally has a desert. She is not helping at all and I find no satisfaction from the tiny bit of fat on her back anymore.7

My throat is closing up and my nose burns and I promise myself not to look at the time on the machine until this song is over. Pant. Pant. Oh my gosh. I can’t stand this anymore. This is just brutal. Why am I torturing myself like this? If I’m really being logical, Evan Rachael Woods probably just never eats. She doesn’t seem toned. I am just going to stop eating. I don’t need to be fit, just thin and wouldn’t that be better than the pain and mental torture of the gym? I think so. From now on, it’s carrots and celery sticks. Okay but maybe starting tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to need brownies to make up for this. 8