Finding Yourself Chapter Seven 2nd half

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. What the fuck is that? What am I hearing? I tiredly open my eyes and look around the hospital room I’m in. I look down at my arm and it’s got an IV in it. I remember why I’m here and what happened the last time I awoke. Where’s KJ? I look around. There’s no chair where he was sitting. Where is he? My eyes fill immediately with tears at the thought of him not being here. I need him. Where’s he at?1

I look up at the ceiling with a sinking feeling. Does he not care about me anymore? Why isn’t he here? How long have I been asleep? My mouth is dry and I’m extremely hungry. I can’t yell for anyone to let them know I’m awake. This fucking sucks. I’m miserable right now. How could he not be here?2

I’m realizing right about now how much I could never live without KJ. I miss him so bad when it seems like it’s only been minutes since I’ve seen him. I can’t get him out of my mind. This is frustrating but it’s good for me to know, too. To have the assurance that I could never be without the man I’m with now. I love KJ, and I’m slowly realizing that more and more as time goes on.3

A painful thought of Jon Davidson tries to distress me but I do my best to push it out of my head. I don’t want to think about him. He’s the fucking whole reason I’m here. Part of me wants to be with him and love him, but the part of me with a brain knows it would be best if I put him out of my life altogether. It’s my heart versus my head, I guess. And in most situations, the heart always wins. Emotions are stronger than sense, and they always have been. Listen to me. I’m letting myself give in to this thought; not even trying to fight it. I don’t even know if I want to. I barely even know what I’m thinking right now. I don’t want to think. I want to go back to sleep. 4

I wonder if I could get up. I know I can but I won’t be able to go very far because of this fucking IV in my arm. They’ve got a heart monitor strapped to me somewhere too. I don’t know where and I don’t really give a shit but I know it’s there because I can hear that annoying fucking beep every two seconds. I want to hear some music or something. The Haunted would be nice, or some In Flames. Fuck, I’d even settle for Korinth right now.5

There it goes again. From the thought of getting up to the thought of heart monitors beeping to the thought of music to the thought of Korinth, circling back to Jon. Fucking amazing. Every thought and emotion I have revolves around that motherfucker. I still think about him all the time, even when I’m at home. I’ll be cooking or cleaning and get a flashback of him. I’ll even be watching TV or hearing a song or something and he’ll pop into my head. It’s a safe place for me in my head when I think about him, but at the same time it’s ripping me apart. The solution of the problem is the same as the source of it. That’s fucking nice. I’m so fucking demented. I’m gonna die if I don’t get the fuck out of here. I’m gonna think myself to death. Ha, that was almost funny. Whatever… somebody wake me the fuck up. Please.6

I stare at the door, as though that will summon someone into the room. I hear someone walking in the hallway and my heart jumps, but then sinks lower than ever when I hear the footsteps fading away. I begin to play songs in my head. Random songs, songs I can’t even tell you the name of right now. All I know is that I have to kill the dead silence in my mind. 7

I wish someone would sedate me again. If I could go to sleep for seemingly another week, everything would be okay. But I know that’s not going to happen unless I fake to be in immense amounts of pain again. But I wasn’t faking the last time they put me under. It really was excruciating. I can still feel blood on myself. How fucking long have I been in here? It’s probably going to be a stupid amount of time, like three hours or something. Wouldn’t that be the shit.8

I want to see somebody. I don’t care if it’s KJ to console me, a doctor to sedate me, or even Jon to yell at me. I want somebody to talk to me or care about me. I know KJ does, but if he does, then where the hell is he? It can’t be too long until a doctor comes to check up on me; it’s their job. My luck, the whole place was evacuated and I was the only one left in the building. Doors are probably locked and I’m probably the only one in here. There will soon be a ‘for lease or sale’ sign on the front of this building that will waste away over the years as I grow older and older hooked up to an oxygen tank and a food machine.9

God I’m being stupid. I think I’m loopy from the medicine. I wonder if KJ ever called me out of school or out of my job. I hope he did, but then again he might not have had to yet because it might not be Monday. Or it could be Friday. I have no idea what day it is, what time it is, or even what year it is. I couldn’t begin to guess.10

Is it… yes! Someone’s opening the door! A doctor. He comes in and fucks with some equipment next to me. He stands over me and looks at me now. He asks me something, but I can’t answer. He tells me I’ve been asleep for about eight hours, and I do catch the words ‘sedated’ and ‘for a while longer’ in the form of a question. All I do is nod, assuming that he’s asking if I want him to put me under again. He asks me to hold on, and he exits the room.11

Fucking perfect. I’m alone again. Couldn’t you have sedated me when you were in here you stupid fuck? 12

Moments later he reenters the room. He’s got a syringe that he presses into my arm. Slowly I feel the calm washing over me, and the bliss sensation of being higher than I’ve ever been consuming my body. I float into the distance, somewhere happy, and safe, and not here. No more funny smells, no more strange doctors, no more white, just me and my dreams… 13