Finding Yourself Chapter Seven 1st half

I can hear beeping. Every five seconds or so. I can’t open my eyes; I’m too tired. I am beginning to be able to feel my hand throbbing. My right one. There’s a TV going in the background but I can’t make out what’s on it. I move my head slowly and even that seems to consume most of my energy. My stomach is killing me and simply taking a breath makes my ribs sore. I’m breathing abnormally; I can hear it and feel it. It reminds me of the time Jon whipped me so badly I couldn’t breathe. I remember him holding me and not being able to move. I was wheezing.1

Someone’s touching me and talking to me. Someone’s hand is on the top of my left arm. I attempt to open my eyes and look to see who it is. Painfully I accomplish this task. My eyes are slowly opening and everything around me is fading into my line of vision. Everything’s white besides my hand and the figure standing over me. I can see someone about to touch my head. The person is caressing my head now. I lift my gaze up to meet KJ’s eyes. They’re wet. He’s crying. He’s asking me if I’m okay. I try to open my mouth to reply but it’s far too painful. Tiredly I nod at him. He bends down and kisses my forehead. He is telling me he loves me. I wish I could reply.2

Slowly I lift my head up and look around the room. I’m in a hospital. All the walls are white and the bed sheets are white. I find the source of the noise; apparently I’m hooked up to a heart monitor.3

‘Baby,’ I hear KJ say shakily. ‘Do you remember what happened?’4

I shake my head no. I have no idea why I’m even here. I can’t remember no matter how hard I try.5

‘You got in a car accident, baby. You busted your mouth all up and broke your hand. One of your ribs is broken and—’ I stop listening then. I have a flashback of the time Jon kicked me so hard he broke the very same bone. ‘Baby’s gone too.’6

I look up at KJ. I squint to let him know that I didn’t understand what he just said.7

He nods. ‘We lost the baby.’ 8

Tears well up in my eyes as this concept registers in my head. My baby is gone. My baby is dead. I never even got a chance to see him. Never even got a chance to see the person I loved most in the world. I am crying now. I close my eyes. It’s hard to cry when you can’t open your mouth. I just let silent tears flow steadily down my face.9

KJ hugs me and I do my best to hug him back. I cannot move my right hand, but I don’t want to anyway because it hurts. He kisses my mouth lightly and as he backs away from me I watch a doctor enter the room. He’s bald with large glasses and rather fat. He looks nice, though.10

‘Hello. Nice to see you’re awake. You gave us a good scare.’ He tells me, turning around to pick up a clipboard. He looks down it, chewing on his bottom lip and tapping the board with a pencil. ‘Let’s see… your hand is broken, your jaw is fractured, one of your ribs has been snapped and—’ It seems as if this next piece of information is hard for him to relay, and I already know what he’s about to tell me. ‘You lost your child.’ 11

KJ is crying audibly now. I’m still letting tears roll down my face. I nod to let the doctor know I heard him. The doctor saunters over to KJ and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, looking back and forth to both of us. ‘I’m sorry for your loss. We’ve done all we can do. These things happen, unfortunately. But I’m sure things will work out.’ He gave us an empathetic look before heading out the door.12

‘Can you sit up, baby?’ KJ asks softly. I can hear the cracking in his voice. I try and slowly accomplish it with much pain in my stomach area. He rubs my back after I sit up. ‘The doctor says you’ll bleed for a couple weeks. Kind of like a two-week period, I guess. He said sometimes it will be heavy and sometimes it won’t. He says miscarriages hurt, too, so you’ll be sore.’13

I nod again, because apparently I can’t speak. It’s no wonder it hurt to open my mouth; my jaw is wired shut. Great. How the fuck am I going to eat? How am I going to talk? Why the hell did this have to happen now?14

I look at KJ again, and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful he’s here. However, I remember the last time I was here with an IV in my arm… Jon was sitting beside me. This will be the second time I’ve fucked myself up on his account, and the fourth time I’ve been here because of him. KJ’s right. How can I still want to be connected to a man that gives me so much pain? He still fucks my life up, even when he’s barely in it. Does he do it on purpose? No, he can’t. It’s not his fault I always think about him. It’s just not fair. I’ll never completely be without this man again.15

KJ is sitting now. He’s playing with his phone. I stretch my hand out and he looks at me and hands me the phone. I go to the text screen and type, ‘how long will I be in here’.16

I hand the phone to KJ and I can see him begin to cry again as he reads the message. Why? Does that mean the answer’s bad? 17

He looks up at me with teary eyes. ‘I don’t know, baby. I really don’t. I need to ask somebody.’18

I nod and continue to look at him. I can only imagine how bad my face looks. I hope I’m not permanently fucked up or something.19

KJ suddenly hugs me forcefully. ‘I love you baby. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.’ He kisses my lips softly and I realize how stupid I am. Why am I treating KJ so badly? It’s like I don’t care about him. It’s like all I can fucking think about is Jon, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t keep taking it out on KJ. It’s not his fault. I know I’m hurting him and I don’t even mean to. I love this boy with everything I have, and I fail to show that to him.20

I hug him back and wish I could kiss him now. I just wish I could at least speak to him and tell him I love him as well. I cry silently and make small moaning noises through my mouth. I love him so much and I’ll never let him go.21

As if on cue, the doctor walks back in now. He sees that I’m crying and gives me a sympathetic look. 22

I look around the room as KJ and the doctor are having a conversation that I don’t feel as though I should be listening to. I don’t know why, but it would feel to me, if I were listening, that I was trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. I pray KJ will remember to ask him how long I’ll be in here. I focus on the television and try to listen to the show that’s on. It’s something political. Or maybe it’s the news. It’s some morning show. The sun is shining brightly and it looks cold outside there. I get a sudden flashback of being young at my grandmother’s house. I would wake up at about nine-thirty in the morning and go in the living room and watch the early news. The scenery was always the same, the same way it is on the TV now.23

I hear a door shut. The doctor has exited the room. KJ walks back over to his chair and sits down next to me. ‘They want to keep you in here another week, baby.’ 24

I nod and sigh in my head. I don’t want to stay here any longer. I try to motion for KJ to give me his phone and he gets the point. He hands me his phone and with much difficulty I text ‘is the mustang okay’ with one hand. I hand the phone to him and as he reads it I’m watching his heart sink.25

He looks up at me sadly and shakes his head. ‘No, baby. It’s totaled.’ 26

I close my eyes and let more silent tears flow down my face. My God. My car and my baby lost. What’s next? KJ?27

I shove this uncomfortable thought out of my head and stretch my hand out for the phone again. He deletes my previous message and hands me the phone. I text ‘how long have I been in here’ and hand the phone to him once again.28

‘Since yesterday. Since you left. I got the call at about two-thirty.’ He tells me. ‘I was so worried about you. And to come in here and see you unconscious scared me so bad, baby.’29

I nod again. I want so bad to text him to tell him to fucking knock me out for another week. I don’t want him to have to stay here but I don’t want him to leave me. I need to tell him to call my automotive instructor and my work and tell them why I won’t be there. I want to call Jon, too. But he’s the reason this fucking happened. If he were out of my life like he should’ve been two years ago none of this would’ve happened. And my second child wouldn’t be dead.30

My stomach is turning. It feels like someone is twisting my insides around. I feel my face contort into an expression of pain and hear moans escaping my closed mouth. My hand floats up toward my stomach and I can feel my legs coming up and kicking the bed. The pain is suddenly unbearable and agonizing screams tear my throat. My entire stomach and pelvic area throb in pain.31

I can hear KJ freaking out and asking me what’s wrong, but I can’t reply. Even if I could it would hurt too bad to speak. This has to stop. I open my eyes as tears flow down my face, the look in my eyes begging KJ to help me.32

He tears from the room and yells for a doctor as I do my best to scream and writhe in pain. It hurts so bad and I can’t deal with it.33

Moments later two nurses and a doctor enter the room. The doctor holds my right arm down and injects a needle into it. I look at KJ, who is crying and looking terrified. He is slowly blurring out of my vision and the pain begins to recede. Everything is spinning and I am losing consciousness.34