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Found in the police case file of Richard and Abraham Bailey.23
06/07/0545
To Whom It May Concern,67
As head of the Bailey case of Rayburn, North Carolina, I have been asked to write a letter, to include in this file, on the current status of the female captive found in the Bailey home upon the arrest of Richard Bailey and his son, Abraham. The arrest occured three days ago.89
The young girl in question was initially thought to be a companion of one of the Baileys' murder victims, held hostage for some unknown reason. Certain facts that have come to light since then have challenged this assumption. The girl was found in a large, single-room basement, with her foot chained to the wall so that she was able to move freely from a small bed to the door, but no farther. Medics examining abrasions on her leg concluded that she had been chained for months, at least. This, combined with the fact that no other bodies showed signs of being held captive, suggests that she was not intended to be a victim.1011
Several arresting officers noted the facial similarity between the girl and Abraham Bailey. A genetic test being undertaken now will determine whether she is related to Abraham, Richard, or both. 1213
As of this writing, the girl has not spoken a word. She seems physically healthy, but is slow to respond to stimuli of any kind. I interacted with her briefly yesterday, but the interrogation rooms are hardly a comfortable place for an interview, and she refuses to enter any smaller room. She is currently undergoing tests to resolve her age and physical condition, and will then be sent to a hospital specializing in the treatment and rehabilitation of traumatized children.1415
I was initially concerned about her overall mental state. I still am, but this morning I noticed her smiling in response to laughter coming from the briefing room. She seemed, for a moment, like any other child. I mention this only because it may be relevant to determining if any mental conditions are later revealed.1617
I feel I must add one final detail, simply because it is not mentioned elsewhere. I don't think it is particularly relevant, but I include it in the interest of thoroughness. The horrors of the Bailey shack are well documented: the torture devices, the corpses left lying in the living area, etc. What isn't mentioned is that the cadavers that were cut into pieces, that is, individual limbs, were found largely in the basement with the girl. And many limbs seem to be missing--there are several incomplete cadavers, as well as parts that do not match any of the victims we know about.1819
Again, I do not think this is of any great consequence. I, like every other officer that has commented on this file, am certain that the girl in question had nothing to do with the murders commited by Abraham and Richard Bailey.2021
Written by Joel DiRoso2223
Senior Detective, Rayburn County Police24
Comments?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Good idea, good start
You have a good plot started here, with enough suspense to drive someone to read further. While your writing is generally good, it would help if you would give some more consideration to the "voice" of your letter writer. he calls himself the "head" of the investigation, but it would be more likely for him to identify himself as senior detective. Also, who has asked him to write a letter and why? It sounds a bit amateur. I'd suggest you just say "from the official report in the matter of Richard... (etc.} dated... {etc.}, submitted by lead investigator, Senior Detective Joe DiRoso" at the top and skip the letter. Then you can just start in with the first person narrative, "Regarding the female captive..." Your first paragraph is very important as it will often determine whether someone reads your story or not. You need to make it as compelling as possible and avoid any errors. I think you can do this.
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Thank you so much for reading, and for the thoughtful commentary! Admittedly, I don't know much about police procedure, and I figured that would show ><. I also wanted to create the sense that this is a very disorganized, backwards police force, which should come out a little more later. I'll keep the voice in mind.
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Yes, I've not had to contribute to many police reports myself, but stand by my suggestion for the beginning. I can see your problem of creating the sense of disorganization. The trouble is that any mistakes you make at the beginning will be blamed on you, the writer, and not on your characters. Maybe you could have two reports dated a few days apart, and the second one will contradict something said in the first. I'm guessing that the actual narrator will not be the detective who was writing the report. That will give you the chance to comment on the state of affairs at the dept.
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Eeeeeeeeeeee!
I am well interested now. *Excited to read the next few!*
Really cool and I will comment in further detail when I've read the next few!
x. Rewarded 4
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Mysterious...
Wow, I was just flicking through random stories, and the title sunshine girl caught my attention. Im glad it did!! This was a really worthwhile read and I enjoyed the feeling of mystery and thriller behind it. The description of the murders were really good and I'm already wondering about the girl - like who is she, how did she get there etc! All little questions left buzzing around my brain!
Well written and a good start to what should be an interesting read no doubt!!
. Rewarded 8
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M-murder? Sorry, only time to say-that's great!
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Thank you!
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Wow! What a gruesome crime scene. You've painted a good mystery around this young girl.
This is a good introduction, without spilling too much information.
You would probably like the story I wrote through my character Robyn, "Caring For the Suffering Soul."
Write On!
Beth
. Rewarded 6
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Thank you! It's an idea I had for some time. I'll go check yours out.
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Ooh. o.o
I like this.
To be honest, the first thing I noticed and liked was your grammar. Impeccable, as it should be.
Secondly, I really like the formality and the detail given to explain the background. It's not giving us the entire story, obviously, but it's perfectly suited as your intro. Impressive. I'm really into this, which, believe it or not, doesn't happen often. Even my short attention span was grabbed here! [= I'll definitely be reading up on the next parts!
-Sarah.
Clappies for you!
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you very much for the read and the comment!
I'm a total grammar geek, so even if nothing else makes sense in my stories, you can usually understand the sentences themselves. >< -
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Same with me. xD
It's a good thing.
Bad grammar makes me twitch.
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