I almost fell over with surprise. I still had no idea what was happening.1
"What would give you the idea that I wanted your job?"2
Her hands went back to her hips, and her foot tapped like she was getting impatient with me. "Talk at the Call Center. Those girls can't keep a secret."3
"Sunsaray," whispered Ahbree. I noticed her hands were shaking.4
"What?" snapped Sunsaray, 5
"Umm…I'm getting tired. Can we finish this?" she asked.6
Sunsaray smiled at that. She looked evil with her teeth bared like a rabid dog.7
I was no longer surprised, now I was starting to panic. If I didn't find a way to stop them, Kale and I would die. I couldn't let that happen. I had realized finally, that this past year I'd just been going through the motions. I hadn't been living and I certainly wasn't happy.8
I'd been happy with Kale. I guess that happiness had scared me. No, I didn't guess I knew it had scared me and that’s why I had left. Being happy sure didn't scare me now. Dying without telling Kale how I really felt scared me now.9
We had to get out of this, so I could tell him.10
Time was running out. As the sun raised higher in the sky the odds that someone would come to the back lot was rising. They either had to deal with us now or take us somewhere else to deal with later. I was hoping for the latter. That way maybe we could find a way to get out of this.11
"I'm done talking about this. We end it here." Sunsaray exclaimed, thrusting her finger down towards the earth to make her point. "Turn around." I looked at Kale my eyes wide with fear. This was not the way I wanted my life to go or to end. Kale nodded and I gave him a weak smile as we turned around.12
"Good, now drop to your knees!" She demanded.13
Kale started to turn towards them," Uh-huh, no you don't." Ahbree shook the gun at him.14
"You really don't want to do this Sunsaray." When she said nothing, he turned to Ahbree. "Honey, why are you doing this? This isn't you. Just drop the gun and all will be forgotten and forgiven."15
Ahbree had started shaking her head as Kale talked. Faster and faster her head shook, as she denied his words. Her chestnut hair whipped against her cheeks. "Ahbree, listen to me," he pleaded. "Let Raisa go, we can be together then."16
"Shut-up, Kale!" yelled Sunsaray. 17
"Listen to me. Stop Sunsaray. Help me, please Ahbree."18
"Don't listen to him, Ahbree. He betrayed you. He ran to Raisa’s side. Leaving you like an old rag."19
Ahbree had closed her eyes, gun still trained on us. "Shut up, all of you."20
She opened her eyes. Tears had gathered and threatened to fall. "I'm sorry, Kale," she whispered.21
Kale hung his head and turned again, defeated. I watched, as his determined look faded into hopelessly. I smiled sadly, knowing he tried his best. I hadn't given up. Not only had my feeling for Kale come to the forefront, but also my strength that all will turn out right had expanded. And with that, Dugan was with me.22
That sneaky, devious canine hadn't left us to die. He had simply hidden himself. I noticed him belly crawling under Sunsaray's car. Golden highlights reflected the sun, when the rays hit him.23
That gave me hope. This stray dog, that had attached himself to me, had not left me. Dugan had not betrayed me in my hour of need. Now, I just hoped he knew what to do.24
I looked at Kale as we lowered ourselves to the ground. The asphalt bit into my knees, but I wasn't going to let it distract me. Kale glanced my way and I winked, then mouthed Dugan.25
He nodded once in understanding. "Hands behind your head, if you please." Requested Sunsaray. "Slowly."26
Out of nowhere a growl broke the silence that had descended. It grew into a snarl as Ahbree yelped in pain.27
At this moment, both Kale and I burst into action. He went after Ahbree, helping Dugan disarm her.28
Sunsaray stood shocked. Her olive complexion was drained of color. It looked as if she was trying to find a way to jump in the action. I grabbed her shoulder to spin her around. She stumbled as I caught her off guard, but she recovered quickly. Sunsaray swung at my head. I narrowly missed getting a mouthful of knuckles.29
I kicked out my foot and connected with her knee, causing her leg to buckle and throwing her to the ground. I grabbed her hair at the base of her neck and threw a right-handed punch to her face. Twice more I punched her down, until a shot from Ahbree’s gun resonded in the air.30
I stopped mid punch and stared at him. My left-hand still intwined in Sunsaray's hair.31
"You are done? Let her go Raisa." Kale had the gun pointed at Sunsaray and Ahbree was on her knees with her arms behind her head. To the outsider observer it looked like Kale's left hand was resting casually on her hands, but I knew better. "Step away, Raisa, please."32
"Kale," I hesitated, the worry was clear in my tone." Kale, what are you planning?"33
Kale's eyes darted to mine. "I want this ended now. Think about it, Raisa. Think about all they've done. The killing at the safe house, you running, and me running. If I ended it here, maybe it won't happen again."34
"You're wrong, Kale." I hadn't let go of Sunsaray's hair yet. I could smell the cherry blossoms of her shampoo. "You'll be like them, Kale. You'll be stooping to their level. Pain is all you'll be giving out. No lessons learned, no consequences."35
"But they hurt you." His face looked broken, like he felt responsible for what they did.36
"Yes, but I'll get over it." I looked at Sunsaray kneeling below me. ''You get over by Ahbree."37
I walked to Kale and slid the gun from his grasp. The handle felt hot and sweaty. I held it with both hands, so it wouldn't slip down. "Call Agent 6123."38
Kale's eyebrows rose. "How do you know the highest agent in the Company?"39
"Don't ask. That's a whole other story." I laughed.40
Author notes
Too predictable? Everyone saw that Dugan would be the hero right?
I'm terrible at fight scenes and I know this one is lacking. Any and all suggestions are welcome and wanted!!!
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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#22 faded into [hopelessness]
#23 Dugan to the rescue
. You can always depend on the dog.
The fight scene sounds good to me. I don't think I could write one at all.
Another great chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Tris
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Hey Brooke,
Good installment. Dugan was a little predictable, but aren't most heroes?
The only thing I can suggest as far as the fight scene goes, is to maybe give it a little more description. Something like-I grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. Even though I'd caught her off guard, she threw a right at my chin. I barely blocked the punch with my left and kicked out with my right foot catching her in the knee. As she collapsed to the ground I tangled my hand in her hair and punched her several times in the face. Just a thought I'm sure you can improve on.
I did notice a few things that weren't mentioned by the other reviewers.
Para22-line2 I think instead of 'hopelessly' you meant 'hopelessness'
Para30-line6 'resounded'
Para31 I think there would be a bit more of a reaction from Raisa at hearing the gunshot. You've led us to believe that Raisa loves this guy and if she's busy fighting Sun it seems unlikely she would know who fired that shot. Could have been the woman and Kale could be laying mortally wounded.
Para32-line1 "You are done? Sounds like more of a statement than a question. Maybe "Are you done?"
Para34-line4 'If I end it here'
That's it
Steve
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At last, Dugan saved the day and came to their rescue. I just knew he would be around somewhere to come to Raisa's rescue. After all his always been there to help her out of bad situations. I'm glad Sunsaray and Ahbree got their just deserts. Keep up the good work.
Julie
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks Julie for reading. I thought making Dugan the hero was fitting but too predictable.
Dugan didn't turn out to be what/who I wanted him to be. But if I had made him into what I wanted the story would have been ten times longer. That would have made some happy but not me.
Again thanks for reading
Brooke
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That Dugan was slinking along watching maybe wasn’t a surprise, but his sudden attack rang true.
Hi Brooke, I believe that basically this is a good continuation of the chapter.
That Dugan was slinking along watching maybe wasn’t a surprise, but his sudden attack rang true. I might have allowed him a bit more coverage
as he dragged the ‘B’ down and worried her arm like a chew toy until she dropped the gun so Kale could snatch it up.
After all he was the Hero
.
I have trouble myself portraying females performing fisticuffs. Not prejudice or anything but guys fit better in the picture.
This is an active scene, and it was easy to ‘See’ the action.
A few things you might want to change:
.
"What? " snapped Sunsaray, "Umm…I'm getting tired. Can we finish this?'' she asked.5
(A bit of a goof. Sunsaray says that “what?” but you have it in with Ahbree’s reply. We know because of the next sentence when----
Sunsaray smiled at that. She looked evil with her teeth bared like a rabid dog.6)
Out of nowhere a grown (groan or growl) broke the silence that had descended. It grew into a snarl as Ahbree yelped in pain.26
Twice more I punch (punched) her down, until Kale shot (tossed or threw) Ahbree’s gun in the air.29
Query didn’t Sun have a gun too?
Geri
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Geri, I've fixed the errors and will rethink the 'coverage' of Dugan.
I have been a couple of fights, so I do know what to do, but to describe it, I have a problem
Thanks again for reading.
Brooke
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Small things:
7. no longer surprise - surprised
10. ..take us somewhere else and to deal.. lose the and
11. want - wanted my life...
19. ..closed her eyes ',' gun still..
21. outright - out right
27. Kate - Kale and I..
also 'exploded' into action. Explode isn't the right word to use as it sounds out of place. Maybe burst into action or something similar. It sounds more natural and still gives the feeling of suddenness.
30. in twined - intwined
34. ..you'll be) giving.. nuff said
37. slide - slid the gun..
I thought this was a good smooth continuance of the last part.
It's obvious that Ahbree was uncomfortable with the situation and Sunsaray had gone wacko and just wanted someone else to do the deed. Kale's attempt to talk Ahbree out of it made sense since there was something between them and bought time if nothing else.
As for Dugan, that is the kind of thing I watch for but others might not have caught it. If they did then it gave the reader a hope that something would happen to up their chances.
As for suggestions maybe instead of slinking under the car he may have been waiting in the woods and sprang up on them from behind. Just a thought.
Otherwise I thought it read well and the description put you there in the scene.
The last dialogue between Raisa and Kale made for an amusing ending.
Nicely done Brooke!
"...whole other story." Don't tell me this ends it!!!
Greg
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All errors were corrected and a big thanks goes to out to you.
I still feel like there should be more. I'm no good at fight scenes, as I've stated before. But I'm glad you found it consist with the storyline.
I will hold up on the edits until I get more feedback from others. But, as usual, yours is one of the most valued.
Brooke
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