I'd Like to Die

My name is Laura. Life is mean and hurts like no other. Especially when love is involved. But my story is a little different in the way things turned out. 1

I've only had one boyfriend, and as luck would have it, he hurt me. His name was Joseph. And after him, I could never have another one and feel like that. Not after what happened.2

So we met when we were little and were best friends for a long time. We were completely inseparable, always at eachother's house or just hanging out at school. You could hardly believe how close we were. But that friendship disintegrated when I moved on to the fifth grade to a new elementary school nearer to my home. He stayed at the other one. I never paid any attention to him after that. Not for about two and a half years. 3

By the time I was in seventh grade, and he in sixth, I had forgotten all about him. That was the year I saw him in a whole new light. He made my heart kick and spin in circles, dancing with my stomach in my throat. My knees shook tremendously, and I had to sit down everytime I saw him pass by. 4

Apparently, I seemed to catch his eye as well, because soon after that, in October of 2005 he started to smile and wave everyday to me. His smile was saved especially for me. That just made it so much harder for me to breath, so all I did was smile my own special smile and lift my shaking hand. I could hardly believe that he would even notice me! I wasn't popular and I wasn't really all that beautiful. So what made him see me that way?5

That 2006 Valentine's Day, my heart almost stopped when I saw him walking up to me. He gave me a box of Sweethearts. There was a paper heart taped to the front with my name on the front. I still have them hidden away to remember. I will never forget that day. He smiled so wonderfully. That was most definately the day that he stole my heart. It melted right there in my chest.6

When Joseph first said I love you to me, I could hardly believe how far our relationship had come - especially since we usually only smiled and waved at eachother. At church, our eyes never left the others. I could hardly rip my own away from his when I had to leave. It was extremely difficult, or so it seemed. 7

But then came the day when he said, ever so harshly, "It's over." I shook my head as he walked away, trying to keep the tears from spilling over. As he turned around and left me standing there, looking after him, I could see a trail of blood following him. His hand was down by his side, clenched in a fist around something. That something was my heart. I know I was only imagining things by then, because when I looked down, there was a hole where my heart was supposed to be, and my shirt was covered in blood. My heart has always been my, but when he walked away, taking it with him, I just wanted to shout after him, "My biggest mistake was ever knowing you!" But instead, I turned slowly away and sped home so that I could cry in my room. 8

I'm so glad I didn't shout that line. It would have killed me like you wouldn't believe. I was already hurting enough when the news came. It had been a few years since we broke up. I was still hurting and wishing that he would love me again; wishing that we could someday get married and have kids together. But that day, I just wanted to die. 9

"Honey," one of my closest friends whispered one morning in class.10

"What?" I said, I had been acting happy for so long that it came out harsh and mean - I was sick of being happy. And when she used 'honey' it meant something serious. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep, away from life, away from people. 11

"Ummmm...." she hesitated, seeming reluctant to say anything.12

"Well? WHAT!!???!!" I snapped, being really impatient.13

"Well, you know Joseph?" she asked, stalling, wishing she didn't have to tell me this.14

"Well, duh! I kinda went out with him, and you know I still love him. I always will."15

She hesitated again, but this time it was because she got choked up. "Well, umm there was an accident yesterday after school." She didn't want to say more, but she didn't have to. I was already shaking my head. 16

"No... he's completely fine. I saw him yesterday. He's fine," I kept whispering to myself, not wanting to accept what she was going to tell me. I already knew.17

"No, he isn't, Laura. You have to accept that. He's in the hospital, barely hanging on," she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me. 18

I got up in the middle of the teacher's lecture, completely oblivious to anything around me, leaving my stuff next to my friend. I walked out to my car. I had to know if it was true. I grabbed my cell and dialed his home number, hoping to hear his voice. 19

It was his mom.20

"Hello?" she asked. I could tell she'd been crying.21

"Where is Joseph?" I almost screamed at her, but I had enough self control to whisper it. "I have to know. Please tell me! Is he at the hospital?!?!" I asked frantically.22

"Yes." It came out strained and very quiet. "Is this Laura?"23

I could barely keep myself from breaking down. "Yeah," I muttered.24

"Joseph is asking to see you." My heart stopped. 25

"What?" 26

"He wants to see you," she said again. She gave me the name of the hospital and what room he was in.27

I immediately started my car and sped towards that one building. I could hardly believe what was happening. When I walked in, many of the nurses looked at me with a concerned look in their eyes. I must've looked like a walking corpse.28

When I walked in his room, I fought the urge to gasp and, instead, covered my mouth with my hand, thinking in my head "Oh my gosh. How could this happen to someone so precious?" The tears wouldn't stay in. They spilled over as the people in the room slowly walked out when they noticed me in the doorway. It was his brothers and sisters. His dad lingered, saying "I'm so sorry." I wasn't sure why he said that.29

I slowly walked over to Joseph's bed and took his hand. "What happened?" I managed to choke out.30

He could barely talk. He was hooked to a million wires, and it seemed that his right side was crushed. "Car.....accident." I had to strain to hear him.31

"I'm so sorry," I whispered softly. He squeezed my hand in response.32

"The doctor's say... I don't have much....longer. I had... to...see you." His face crumpled in pain, both emotional and physical. I was shaking my head again.33

"No, you'll make it. You have to. I can't live without you."34

"I'm sorry...." he said. "There is something I have to tell you." That took him almost two minutes to say.35

I could tell that he didn't want to talk so I said, "Just rest. You need the strength."36

"No!" He said forcefully. "You have to hear this." He paused again to regain the strength to say what he wanted. "You know.... when I told.... you it.... was over?" I only nodded my head, not trusting my voice. "Well, I had to.... I couldn't do that to you."37

"But... why?" I whispered, still not understanding. "Don't you know I could hardly live that way? It almost killed me. I was afraid to let you go, and I don't think I could ever live and love someone else." I couldn't explain just how I felt.38

"I know... I know... I could... hardly deal with it.... myself. I have...no idea how I... ended it," he said back, barely able to say it all. "But you have to... listen to this... I need to tell you... one more time," He stopped to catch his breath. I waited, holding his hand while my heart-rate sped up to five times the normal speed.39

"I can... never be forgiven... for hurting you that... way. But I can.... tell you what... I feel right now," he paused again. "Laura," he whispered ever so softly. When he said my name, it was filled with happiness and love. You could tell just from when he said that, that he cared about me more than anything. "Laura, baby..." I didn't think my heart could go any faster, but it did. "I... love... you. I always... have." His voice was so strained, filled with pain, that I could hardly believe he even said it. But he did, and he said it again, "I love you." 40

My tears over-flowed right then. When the first one hit his hand, I whispered back, "I know. And I love you, too. I will never stop. I can't." He was the only thing I could see now. I was completely oblivious to everything around us as he struggled to lift my hand to his lips. 41

"Please stay here forever," he said, placing our hands on his heart. "Keep my heart with yours." This time, he couldn't lift anything, so I lifted our hands to place them over my heart. He closed his eyes, wishing to never forget this moment.42

"I can never leave you. I won't ever," I replied as the waterfall of tears continued down my face. "I love you, Joseph. I love you, forever." 43

"I know... I know... I love you... more," he said, teasingly as he opened his eyes, now full of love for me. "Come here."44

I leaned down, close to his face, as his free hand, stuck with and IV needle, wrapped around my long, blond and disheveled hair. He pulled me closer, drawing my lips to his. It was our first kiss, and one of our last. I will never forget the feeling of it. I grew so weak, that I had to crawl in the bed next to him, wishing this moment would never end. My fingers ran through his shaggy, dirty blond hair. When the kiss ended, I opened my eyes to see his lively electric blue ones staring at me. I took his arms and made them go around me, then I put my arms around him, and I never let go. I stayed there for hours, and I was whispering, "I love you" the whole time. 45

Two days after, I was still in his room. He said, "Laura," and I ran to hold his hand and hold his face. "I love you. I love you. I love you. Never forget me." Me tears started again. I kissed him as his breathing became ragged. 46

"I love you too. Please don't ever leave me," I whispered with a shaky voice. "I love you." With that knowledge, he slipped into a coma. Three hours later, he drew his last breath. 47

That was the day I fell apart. That was the day I knew I could go on no longer. He was my life, and now I couldn't even breath. I knew he loved me, and he knew I loved him. That should've been all that mattered, but it wasn't. I needed him alive and holding me, every second of everyday. He wasn't here anymore, and so I just wanted to die. I never went back to school. Everyone was worried about me, but I never spoke another word after "I love you" had left my lips that last time. I would just like to die.