A small compact white car pulled into the deserted lot. Clouds of smoke puffed steadily from the blackened tailpipe. I'm not good at cars, but this looked like an Acura.1
The door opened, and Sunsaray’s long, slim legs swung out. Highlights of robin red scattered off the top layer of hair. This was a high-end dye job, no home job for her. Long slim neck supported an oval face. Almond shaped eyes hinted at an Asian background. High cheekbones accented a slim nose and full lips. Thin-strapped black open toed shoes easily stepped past the weeds. 2
Frantically Ahbree shouted over her shoulder, "Where have you been?"3
Sunsaray remained silent as she glided to Ahbree’s side. Ebony hair hung past her waist. Manicured nails blended perfectly with her tailored scarlet pantsuit, as Sunsaray laid her hands on her hips.4
Dugan had been very quiet through out Ahbree and Kale's conversation. I looked down to where I had last seen him. All that was by my feet were loose stones from the broken asphalt. Without moving my head, for fear of letting Ahbree, know that I was worried. I searched for him. Dugan was nowhere in front of us. I sighed with relief. At least one of us would get out of here alive. I wasn't so sure Kale or I would.5
Sunsaray stood muscles tense, watching us, as if waiting for one of us to make a move. Finally satisfied that we were suitably detained she spoke. "You've done well, Ahbree."6
I could just see Sunsaray patting Ahbree's head, like a puppy that had learned a new trick. She turned back to us and crossed her arms, taking a defensively closed stance, feet apart. "Now, what to do about you two?" 7
Here I was confused. Didn't they already have a plan? Beside me, Kale shifted and balled up his fist as he tensed even more. "Don't you already have an idea?" Kale asked through clenched teeth. 8
Sunsaray shifted her eyes from Kale's face to mine before answering. "For her we did. You," she looked back to him, her face softening, "weren't supposed to be here. Too bad really, you were good at what you did. You'll be hard to replace."9
I'd had enough. I still did not understand what was happening. Why this was happening to me? To us? I wanted answers. If I was to die, then I deserved those answers.10
"Then let him go. Obviously it's me you want. So let Kale go." I wasn't sure what I was more afraid of, me dying or watching Kale die and knowing it was because of me. If I could get Kale out of here and get my answers I could die without regrets.11
"There is no way I'm leaving you here alone." He shot back with passion.12
Oh no he wasn't. Here I was trying to keep him alive and he was going to argue with me. "Yes you are. They only want me." I crossed my arms, letting him know I wasn't going to back down.13
"If you think for one minute I would or even could walk away, then you are more dense than I thought!"14
I wanted to hit him. Hit him for being so arrogant and for calling me dense, but most of all for being so damn honorable. I actually pulled my fist back to strike, when Sunsaray yelled, "Enough!"15
We both turned back to her, startled. "You fight like an old married couple." She shook her head, sending strands of hair sliding over her shoulders.16
I was shaking; I could feel boulders rolling around in my stomach, fighting for room. Sweat continued to rundown my hairline and it was traveling between my shoulder blades.17
"Why me? What have I ever done to you Sunsaray? I understand why Ahbree wants me gone, but you?" I shrugged. "I thought we were friends."18
She sneered at me with eyebrows drawn low over her eyes. "Friends? Yeah, we were friends, until you decided Closing wasn't good enough for you anymore."19
"Can I shoot her now?" Ahbree asked unexpectedly.20
"No!" shouted all three of us at the same moment.21
"What do you mean?" I was truly baffled. 22
"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. When did you apply for it?" Sunsaray asked, her voice rising with every word. In every word anger radiated out from her.23
"Apply for what? What are you talking about?"24
Kale edged slowly closer. I could feel his heat. He was so close and I wanted to grab his hand. At the same moment I wanted to push him away from the danger. He was being very stubborn.25
Sunsaray flung her arms out and yelled, “My job! My job, you little bitch! You want my job! And in two weeks you have it. I have my letter of demotion today. I'm to report for Closer retraining in two weeks."26
In a list
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Ditto,what Steve just said. Where is Dugan anyway? Another great part, but so short. As well as your chapters are edited, I don't think it would hurt for you to go with the full chapter. I certainly don't mind reading it.
I'm looking forward to the next one.
Trish
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Hey Brooke,
Well that was unexpected. I get the feeling that the decision to move Raisa into Sunsaray's job was made by someone else and Raisa never applied for it. I have this picture of Dugan to the rescue floating around in my brain. Guess I'll just have to read on to find out. Didn't see anything to add to what Geri said
Steve
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Morning Brooke, getting my fix of Raisa this morning. Sorry I can’t keep up with all your stories on a continuous curve, I might be more help that way
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Your plot is building nicely, and the humorous bits come out perfectly.
Your leading characters maintain their own personality, so even if I don't catch every chapter I still recogize them
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I was missing my pal Duncan. Now, where has that dog taken off too? Any minute I expected him to leap at Ahbree’s throat.
Oh well, maybe he’s waiting for the right time.
A few things to consider:
The door opened, and Sunsaray’s long, slim legs swung out. Highlights of robin red scattered off the top layer of hair. This was a high-end dye job, no home job for her. Long slim (slim echoes how about slender) neck supported an oval face. Almond shaped eyes hinted at an Asian background. High cheekbones accented a slim (thin)nose and full lips. Thin (Finely) -strapped black open toed shoes easily stepped past the weeds. 2 (Maybe you had a reason for all those slims
—if so, sorry 
Geri—ignore .
"Can I shoot her now?" Ahbree asked unexpectedly. (Perhaps excitedly?)20
You want my job! And in two weeks you (will) have it. I have (got or received) my letter of demotion today. I'm to report for Closer retraining in two weeks."26
Geri
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Sorry, I havn't got back to reading your stories. I've been do homework assigments for the STORYWRITE ACADEMY. This part of the story was a very good read as usual. The action part of the story moved quickly, knowing that Kale and Raisa could get shot at any given momment.
Your other readers have insighted you on the typo mistakes, but you keep writing more parts of this story.
PS What did happen to Dugan in this scene?
Cheers, Julie
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Don't worry about reading my stuff when it comes out. I totally understand, life just gets busy. I am so guilty of not reading my friend's stories
Thanks for reading though and I think I got all the errors this time
Brooke
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Good scene, easy to follow, with suspense and a touch of humor.
Well, I certainly can see why Sunsaray would like to pump a few bullets into Raisa
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Good scene, easy to follow, with suspense and a touch of humor. Do wonder where Duncan slinked off to, bet that means he’s going to play the hero shortly.
Somebody better come to her rescue or Raisa part in the story will be finished.
Saw a few things you might look at:
The door swung open, and Sunsaray’s long, slim legs stepped out. (stepped usually refers to feet
maybe swung out.)
Highlights of robin red scattered of (off) the top layer of hair.
(paragraph break.) Frantically Ahbree shouted over her shoulder, "Where have you been?"2
"Applied (Apply) for what? What are you talking about?"23
Easy and fun reading your work.
Geri
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for pointing those errors out. Have fixed them
I'm done, I'm done My epilogue is still in rough draft form, but I'm glad I've finished.
Thanks again
Brooke
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Cool chapter here Brooke.
We finally meet Sunsaray. I was wondering when she would make an appearance. Kale seems to have put a kink in her plan, though I suppose she could write it off as them being ambushed while leaving their hideout if on one else shows up.
I found it amusing that Raisa and Kale end up arguing as they're about to both be shot. Nice description throughout and it's interesting to find out Sunsaray's reason for betrayal, though I wonder if that's really it.
So we have all the players on the field now, ..except one.
I wonder where our buddy Dugan has slipped off to and what he's getting ready to do about now. Hmm.
Another interesting and tense chapter.
I can't wait to see what happens next!
Greg
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I think the next part is anticlimax but I'm hoping with suggestions it will just need some fine tuning.
Thanks for continuing to read and for being very patient
Dugan is my ace in the hole. I just hope it isn't too obivious
Brooke
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9 I still did (not)
11 He shot back at with passion. (don't need 'at')
para 21 needs split into two paragraphs because you have two different people speaking.
23 He was so close and I want to grab his hand. (tense switch)
23 At the same moment (I) wanted to push him away from the danger.
You have a good storyline going here. I enjoy reading it. I like your characters.
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Well that was embarassing. I never forget to make paragraphs. My wonderful husband bought me a FlyPen for Christmas last year and sometimes it does wierd things. And that was one of them. Thanks for pointing it out, along with my other mistakes. Fixed them
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Holy moley, I didn't see that coming! Oh, oh, *jumps up and down* I'm all excited to read the next part now! Hurry hurry! This seemed a bit shorter than the usual...I wonder, are you going to add more to it, or just make the next chapter? Sunsaray really rocks. I hope she's turned back to the light side of the force!
What caught my eye:
P1 compacted = compact
P2 hee hee, it really sounds like Sunsaray's legs got out without her, especially when the shoes are stepping past weeds! Maybe something else besides "stepped out" for what the legs do.
Also, franticly = frantically
where s/b capitalized
P9 softening," weren't - your quote needs to be by the w, not that comma there
P11 dieing = dying
I could go without some regrets. - sounds like she's saying it'd be difficult to get by without regrets, but she'd manage. I think "go" = "die", right? Maybe clear that up with a more specific word than "go"
I could feel boulders rolling around in my stomach - whoa, awesome line!
P18 do to you = done to you,
P25 my s/b capitalized at the first part of the quote
Verymost excellent chapter piece, Syren, WOW. I'm still atingle and atwitter. You really know how to hook!
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Thank you, thank you!
Ok, so will you check out the first part of this chapter again and see with I've blended the two describing paragraphs together ok. I could see what you where saying about Sunsaray and hope this will clear it up.
Fixed the other errors also. Thanks for pointing them out.
I'm hoping to have more soon and finish this up finally
Again thank you
Brooke -
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Oh, that's a nice blending there. The illusion of the legs walking alone is totally dispelled by the red highlights in the hair in the next sentence. Definitely portrays Sunsaray in all her wondrous parts. I think it's much better.
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Good to hear. I'm busy writing the next part and hopefully the last part.
Will return the favor this weekend.
Brooke
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