Dear Gramma

Dear Gramma,1

How are you? I'm taking good care of Allie for you, he's getting along fine with the other cats. I know you'd be happy if you could watch him playing with Lucy and Peanut, it's so cute.2

Anyway, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. It's been over a year now, hasn't it? I think about you every day, especially this time of year. It's cold and chilly out, just the way we like it. Remember when we'd sit on your porch together in late fall, and you'd make that really good hot chocolate? The stuff you put all the chocolate syrup and Cool Whip in? And then after, we'd go to the stables and you'd help me get up on Ginger's back, and you'd let me ride her around.3

I miss going to your house every weekend. It was my favorite part of the week. You didn't make me do homework when I didn't want to, and you'd always comfort me when I was sad. And if I was still sad, you'd let me help you make peanut butter cookies. You know they're my favorite. I'm glad you told me the recipe, but I can never make them quite as good as you did.4

Anyway, Gramma, I've gotta say I've been pretty scared lately. I mean, breast cancer runs in the family, right? It already took you from me. I'm scared of it taking someone else. What if it's Mom, or Aunt Denise next? I don't want to lose them.5

And I'm scared for me, too. What if I get breast cancer? I'm so scared just thinking about it. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I keep wondering when I'll hear my doctor give me the news. For some reason I don't think "if I get it"; I think "when I get it".6

It's terrifying, Gramma. It's so scary to think about. I'm afraid to lose people I love, and I'm afraid to die. I'm such a coward. But I keep thinking about it; I'm still young, what if I get diagnosed with it? What if someone I care about gets diagnosed with it? It's such a horrifying thing to hear when someone has cancer. I remember when Daddy told me you had it. I ran to you and cried for hours. I wouldn't hold up any better now if Mom told me she got it, too.7

Gramma, you're my role model, did you know that? I'm this pathetic little coward, I can't even face the future without cringing away in fright. But you? You knew that there was a chance you might die because of breast cancer, but you fought anyway. And you passed away without any fear. You accepted the fact that the doctors had done all they could to save you, and that you lived a satisfying life and you were content.8

I think everyone should go like that, whether they die of cancer or not. Everyone should lead a full, satisfying life like you, and be happy with what they've done. That way they can go without regrets.9

I must sound really idealistic right now, but that's what I really think. Grief would be so much easier to deal with if everyone knew that the person they loved was happy when they died. At least it would be for me.10

See, Gramma? You're my role model. I'm still scared about the future, don't get me wrong. I'm still just a big chicken. And I'm even crying now, as I'm writing this to you. But you know what? I want to fight. I want to help fight cancer so that people don't have to suffer like you did. That way, when my time comes, no matter when it is or how I meet it, I'll know that I did something with my life. I'll know I've accomplished something worthwhile, like you did. 11

Gramma? I don't wanna die just yet. I want a chance to help people first. I want to do something with my life before it ends. So, please wait for me. And pray for me. Please, Gramma, help me and send me the strength to be as strong as you always were.12

I love you, Gramma. And I miss you more than words could ever express.