Cinderelly, Cinderelly!

Let's begin by saying this: life as a princess ain't all it's cracked up to be.1

First of all, now that I'm a princess and all living with my Prince Charming, those goddamn mice followed me. For Christ's sake, I thought I could get some peace and quiet here and have a little R n' R now that I'm married, but nooo, all the crazy little talking animals have to follow me. God.2

So, anyway, six months and ten extra pounds of royal pastries in my gut later, I'm wandering around the castle, looking for some way to entertain myself. Some way that doesn't include Prince Charming-in-Public or loquacious rodents. The library came to mind. Books weren't my thing. The cute librarian who happened to think extra pounds were attractive on a girl was my thing.3

See, Phil and I kind of had a thing. To be honest, Phil was the only reason why I hadn't walked out of UnCharming's stupid castle and started over as a maid or something. He needed the money he got from the library, because being a librarian was the only thing he was really good at. Well, that and a few other things that kept me visiting him, but I won't get into details.4

Anyway, just my luck, the talking rat in the red shirt happened to be occupying Phil's desk, not Phil. Wonderful. He bounced up and down, squealing, "Cinderelly, Cinderelly! Hi, hi, hi!"5

"Ugh, get me out of here," I groaned, turned on my heel, and left.6

"Cinderelly don't wanna book?"7

I made a mental note to get an exterminator as soon as possible. Or maybe an exorcist; seriously, what kind of animals talk?8

"Phil says to tell Cinderelly Phil went to the kitchen!"9

Well, I might as well listen to the little pipsqueak. The kitchen was my next stop anyway. Man, was I hungry. And I could really go for some chocolate cake right now. Must have been that time of the month. I got into the kitchens and looked around surreptitiously for Phil, but he wasn't there. There was a note, however, sticking to a plate with a big steaming slice of cherry pie on it. It said:10

Hey Baby Cinders,11

Come to the boiler room as quick as you can, hon. We haven't done it in there yet, right?12

Much love,13

Phillie14

The boiler room? Well, that was a strange enough place. But sure enough we hadn't done anything in there yet. Might as well taint Prince I-love-my-reflection-more-than-my-wife Charming's hovel while I still can!15

Giggling, I opened the door to the boiler room. I could hear the hum of the furnace burning, and I heard noises, too. Curious, I followed the noises.16

Phil and my annorexic-girl-loving husband were lip-locked, arms tight around one another, seeming not to notice my jaw drop as I watched, not-so-secretly engrossed in the scene. Hey, it was hot!17

They broke apart and Phil looked over with a small smirk. "Hey, Cinder-babe. What's happening?"18

I stared, my mouth forming incoherent words. Not-so-Charming smiled his not-so-charming smile. "Cinderella. Well well, I see you have good taste. You've been with Phil lately too, eh? Unfortunately, he's my property."19

On the "property," UnCharming landed a slap on Phil's backside. Phil's smirk broadened. "Sorry, hon, but I prefer Charming to Chubby."20

I stared for a long moment. The two started laughing like that was the most hysterical thing they'd ever heard. But I was horror-stricken.21

"Oh, NO you DIDN'T!"22

Their guffaws stopped abruptly as I picked up a mallet of some kind laying conveniently on the floor and swung it at them. They started yelling, but I only swung again, this time bashing in one of Falsely-Charming's knee caps.23

He fell to the floor, clutching his mutilated leg, crying out pathetically. I smirked. Revenge is sweet.24

But Phil, I had forgotten about momentarily. That was when he showed yet again that he was strong for his size; the last thing I knew was that he'd picked me up like a sack of potatoes, and then I went flying head-first into the furnace.25