If Only

I didn’t get into Harvard or Yale or Notre Dame, I’m going to Baruch in New York. 1

Damien and I didn’t stay together, we aren’t going to the same school to be together, I actually 2

can’t stand the sight of him. For some reason he thinks I’m too young. I’m one of the lucky ones 3

who graduate at seventeen. School starts in August, for freshmen anyway, and I’m majoring in 4

International Business. I have no intention of changing my major for the next four years. This5

is something that I actually want to do.6

Graduation is tomorrow, June 17, 2008, Why Tuesday I don’t know. Tuesday is such an 7

odd day. The day after Monday. Who has graduation the day after Monday, lunes*, it’s so 8

stupid. I wish graduation was on Saturday, or something. Carlie is at my house right now, she9

looks pissed off so I haven’t said anything to her. I can tell she wants me to ask her what’s wrong, but I don’t want to. I’m not in the mood. 10

Carlie sighs, and I try to ignore her. We’re going out tonight, she’s eighteen. We aren’t going to sneak into clubs and drink ourselves to death, but there is a party she wants to go out. I don’t want her to go by myself. Carlie sighs again, she’s such a baby. I can’t understand why she’s acting like this, she’s going to USC.11

“Mia are you going to talk to me”?, she asks. Talk to her? Why. I had thought girls like her liked sitting in silence or something so they could contemplate... whatever.12

“Yes Carlie”. I inform her, I will talk to her, just not right now. She thinks I’m asking a question.13

“Well, I’m not sure how to put this”. She puts her fingers on her chin, and contemplates... Hadn’t we just been sitting in silence for her to do that, besides the fact that she wanted me to ask her a question.14

“What”? I ask, to humor me or her, I’m not sure.15

“I’m sort of going out with Damien”. She says quickly, almost too quickly if I hadn’t figured out she was going to say it. Lacking common sense, doesn’t make me blind.16

“I know”. I tell her, and that’s just to humor me.17

I hadn’t really known, but it was becoming quite obvious. They are both going to USC, and Carlie’s began to talk about a boy she liked who’s graduating with us, and he’s going to... you guessed it, USC. She can be so dumb. Her eyes widen in complete shock, she hadn’t expected me to say that. I can see that she wanted me to get mad. She wanted me to be jealous of her. I didn’t really care. I wonder if she will apologize.18

“Mia, are you mad at me”? She asks awkwardly. I wonder if I look mad to her. I don’t want to, I was going for a look of impersonation.19

“No Carlie”. I tell her in a way all simple-minded people need to be told. Something of a smile appears on her face, but I can tell she’s still confused.20

“Are you still going to the party with me tonight”? I wonder if she’s asking me out, ha ha, just a little joke in my head.21

“Yes Carlie”. I say, deliberately slowing down so she can catch the sarcasm in my voice. She doesn’t.22

“That’s great Mia, I was hoping you wouldn’t hate me after this”. Now she has a full-fledged smile. She’s so dumb, I just want to rip that stupid little smile off her face.23

I don’t answer her. I turn to stare out the window. It’s actually a nice day. The sun is shining, it rained yesterday, but you wouldn’t be able to tell. The party is about three hours away, but Carlie is already dressed for it. This would be the 614th highschool party, it’ll be my first, and Carlie’s 614th. There will most definitely be alcohol and illegal substances. Carlie is hooked on both. I’m still trying to figure out she passed the SATs. 24

We sit around for the next three hours, me in a sort of a daze. Carlie is texting, and she has been for the last three hours. She looks like she did in school, trying to be secretive, but super obvious. As though I can’t figure out who she’s texting. 25

Damien, if I see him I might spit in his face, or accidentally spill something on him. I can’t stand him. If he’s going out with Carlie, that means he ultimately got what he wanted from someone else, by graduation. Someone to lose his virginity to. He is such a metro-sexual.26

Carlie’s asked me multiple times if I’m going to change my clothes. She even asked me as we were driving, and I actually thought about doing the two things at once. I told her no all 7000 times. She’s so simple, that she has a hard time understanding one syllable words like NO.27

The house where the party is going on, is in this stupid out of town suburb, where only the really rich government workers live. I’ve never ever planned on coming out here, and I never ever will again.28

I’m trying to figure out why I should stay, I told myself for Carlie’s safety, but it seems as though she might be going home with Damien. Eww.. To all the gross stuff they’re going to do together. Carlie gets out the car looking absolutely pink. It’s almost dark, the sky is starting to turn an ocean blue. I take a second to wonder if the ocean is really blue because it reflects the sky, and then I head inside.29

The place is crowded already, and I can tell that the party is going to be pouring out of all exits. I’m quite sure the party hasn’t even officially started. I quickly find a seat, i had worked on breaking away from all of my acquaintances over the past year. So everyone there is pretty pissed off at me, they don’t know, or they just don’t like me.The first one to actually approach me at my spot on a chair against the barrier between the kitchen and living room is Damien. I nearly spit as a reflex, but I swallow it.30

“Hey Mia”. I give him a sideways look that hopefully tells him to leave me the hell alone. He’s as simple as Carlie, so he doesn’t get the picture.31

“What the hell do you want”. He leans in close, and I can feel the brutal murder of my personal space. His face is completely level to mine, and his breath is rank. By the end of the party, I bet he won’t be able to stand up. I hope he and Carlie have fun.32

“I was wondering what you are doing”?33

“Sitting”. I answer without thinking. That was how all of my answers came out, I didn’t really think about what I was going to say, especially if the person was really simple-minded.34

“Cool”. Damien answered and starts bouncing away, I pretend to throw something at his head. I hadn’t thought he’d be high by now. 35

The party doesn’t move as quickly as I want it to. From 7 to 10 I’ve seen over half the school and I’m ready to go. The real shit doesn’t start happening until around twelve, and being that it’s such a nice area, the party won’t get broken up until around four, or until someone’s parents call the cops looking for a Freshmen who isn’t supposed to be there. I’m betting on the second one.36

Tonight I’ve seen both Carlie and Damien separately than I care for, more than I see them at school. It’s annoying. I haven’t seen them together at all, and I think they are both going to end up together in bed, with some other people along with them. They are so disgusting. Tonight I’ve been approached by people who were supposed to graduate or have graduated, over three years ago. They are annoying to, and usually high.37

I try to be nice to the potheads, they don’t really know what they’re saying or doing, and they can be really nice and simple-minded. It’s the other ones who annoy me. By 10:30 I’m fed up, and I get up to go. 38

I get to the door when I see this kid. Obvious Freshmen, but what is he doing at the Senior Party. He isn’t even a girl. He looks a mess and he’s been crying, and he’s just staring at the house. He’s wearing something like PJs so I guess it is his house.39

“Hey kid, what’s wrong”? He looks at me, but I can tell he doesn’t really see me.40

“Leave me”. He sputters out. This is why I hate Freshmen, they never accept your help when you actually want to give it.41

“Seriously, why are you crying”? I ask again, making sure not to step any closer or something. This kid could try and attack me.42

“I said to leave me alone”! He shouts at me, and I resist the urge to shout back at him. No reason making the poor kid cry even more. I shrug my shoulders, and get in my absolutely old Toyota, but before I can close the door, here comes that kid, and he’s standing in the way of the door.43

“What”? I ask stupidly, as though he’s actually going to tell me.44

“Sorry, I’m sorry”. He apologizes, for what I’m not too sure until I see the gun, by then he already blew a hole in my chest.45

Several thoughts run through my head: graduation is tomorrow... I should’ve left earlier... I just got shot... I hate Freshmen...why didn’t I bring that gun like I had planned on and killed Carlie and Damien.... I think I lived my life.46